uncertainty and waiting

it's been six weeks.
I am still at my mother's.  I am trying to buy a car, but the process is slow.
I am working too much.

I have seen Nerdboy a few times.  He's sent texts that suggest he's in conflict about this too.
When we see each other, it's been for practical reasons, and he's made excuses to stretch it longer. Oh wait, I do too.  One Saturday we saw each other four times (for 'forgotten' items')

Last week I got a 'do you hate me?' text in the middle of the night and I decided it was time to stop 'poking' at each other's feelings and just talk.

I wrote a big letter....in internet memes.
Hey, I was trying to speak his language.

And the day after I sent it, we had to meet to separate a shared account.  and I asked him if he'd read it, and he sort of avoided the question...he'd read parts of it, he seemed to approve of the meme-gimmick, he went on about a hidden meaning I'd missed from a meme I used....
Two days later he wrote that he had read it and needed time but he intended to respond.

I should be mad.  I should be telling him I deserve better.
I think he's going through some sort of crisis.  I can't be mad.  Doesn't make him a good partner.

Just now I remembered a fight we had about me using 'his' craft table.  You have to understand how small our apartment was- other than the coffee table and our two computer desks, that was the only flat surface.

And even though I've been missing him and yearning for him and being absolutely willing to work through this together, tonight I'm thinking a man who won't let his fiancee sit at the only table in the apartment isn't good enough for me.