He wrote back today. I read it in a mall, on my phone.
Well, it's no use.
He said he decided early in January to end it but waited until a certain project of mine had launched. Just to remind you, he proposed in mid December. So I had about two weeks of a real engagement, and one month of walking around wearing a meaningless ring. January was so shit. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I cried all the time.
The email goes on to say that I should just work on me, for my own sake and not so we get back together. He won't tell me what the problem was. Is it better to know or not?
He does talk about hoping we could still be friends and then he talks in a complicated way about second chances...he's not saying no, but he needs to move on, he doesn't want to promise me that, and yet he ends with let's come back to this in two or three months when we're healed.
Not cool, not cool. I have to go away and fix myself and maybe we'll get back together but he doesn't have to tell me what to work on or talk about how he might have contributed to our problems.
Why do i even want him back?
Sorry to hear that the news was bad news again. You ask why you even want him back: I think it's because you're worried that you won't find somebody better. It's not like he was your perfect guy, but people have a instinct to try to grab onto something that's slipping away. I can't predict the future, so I don't know whether you would find somebody better or not, but I think that it would be difficult for your relationship with him to resume again because it feels like the power would be so unbalanced. It sounds like you would have to meet his demands, whatever they are, and then maybe he would agree to take you back but you would always be wondering: "What if I slip up? What if he decides on some new demands? Has he already decided to dump me again at some new future date?" I think that it would only work if it became clear that he definitely strongly wanted to be with you, so that the relationship felt equal rather than unbalanced.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you and he are both struggling with the same things - you liked being together, but there are things about each other that you find hard to live with. That doesn't make you a bad person or him a bad person, but you shouldn't marry someone who expects big changes from you that are hard for you to make. You say he didn't say what he wanted from you, but in the past you've mentioned that he wanted you to find a more stable job and be more organized, while you were frustrated with his lack of affection and communication. I think it will be easier in the long run for both of you accept that you can't change each other, even if that does mean a permanent break-up.
ReplyDelete