At This Moment...

At this moment the light at the end of the tunnel is flickering and growing dim.  At the beginning of the summer I was excited about all the job offers I was getting.  I was telling myself I wasn't going back to school in the fall, but signed up for two summer school courses anyways...I was going to eat healthy and get back on track with exercise and with my own creative work.  And most importantly, I've been carrying around in my head for months the idea/half baked plan that I would move out at the end of the summer, just before I turn thirty.

Today it feels like nothing's going to change.

I live in the suburbs, away from all the arts organizations I work for, away from the nightlife (whatever that is), away from the young (single) people...It takes me an hour on transit each way.  I've probably spent years of my life on transit.  My little dream is to rent an apartment in this funky neighbourhood.  I'd settle for a basement suite.  (The catch is I want to keep my dog or at least be able to take him when my mother goes away, and the city is so expensive.)

I'm bummed because instead of listening in class tonight, I started making a budget on a piece of scrap paper...Of course I'm making up numbers out of my head; I don't really know how much I'd spend a week on food for example...If I was generous in some areas I skimped in others.  The number I came up with was still $4000 more than my savings and summer wages combined, when I include next year's tuition costs.  Is it really worth blowing my savings to do this?  If I live at home one year longer....finish school, get a good job, all without student loans?  Financially smarter, but can my pride stand it?

Of course I could work and go to school at the same time.  I didn't work last year and I could barely keep up with the homework.  There was a lot of group projects and I ended up doing the work of slackers...slackers who had nice cushy city jobs and will have nice cushy city jobs after they graduate regardless of their marks.  If I'm working and going to school and learning how to live on my own, I won't have much time for art or fun.  Would I be happier than I am now?

Oh I hate school so so SO much and dread going back....Is that piece of paper really going to guarantee me the job, or am I just wasting two years? 

The thing is, there are two things I avoid telling people- that I live at home and that I've never had a boyfriend.  I worry I won't be able to feel good about myself until I move out.  That is, I won't actively try the dating scene until I'm independent.  I know moving out is going to be a real shock for me and I'm going to learn so much about the real world.  It's going to be extremely unpleasant and yet I want to make myself do it because I think it will make a new life start for me.  It's the only way to break old habits.

I don't know how people fit so much into their lives- work school social time and just taking care of the daily chores.  I'm exhausted all the time doing just a fraction of that.  It doesn't help that I've had this cough for a month now, and all the work and volunteering I'm doing should be fun, but are a bit stressful because I'm feeling behind and overwhelmed. 
So much work to do in all areas... I have this chart on Joe's Goals where I keep track of all the daily habits I'm trying to build up:  Draw every day, exercise, clean, talk to a new person, walk my dog...The only problem is if I really did them all it would take me 6 hours a day!  If I want to be an artist, I need time to make art and experiment and develop....economically impossible...oh, and I've had years to do that and it's been fits and spurts....

The other complication in all this is that my mother, whom I live with, hasn't decided what she's doing about school next year and my father has recently sold his business, stopped paying her alimony and is trying to negotiate a final settlement with her.  She expects she could get more money if she started going for her Master's....another two years at the university.  We don't live near to the U, would she be better off in an apartment on campus, will she have to sell the house anyways?

On another topic:
I mentioned that I had read a profile that intrigued me on OKC.  I haven't done anything about it; I haven't even logged into OKC to read it again, but I've spent the day making up silly daydreams about seeing him on the bus, recognizing him, and boldly starting a conversation.  I would know all these things about him and he wouldn't know anything about me.  I would be witty, mysterious, intriguing and he would just have to see me again...
I should explain that the guy seems quite brilliant and quirky and he's got this sad story of having a major medical emergency some time ago and his fiancee not being able to handle it and dumping him.  He is still recovering physically, and I imagine emotionally.  I wonder if he's bitter about it.  Maybe I should be seeing red flags but instead I think it's tragic and romantic.  I wonder if it says something about my own opinion of myself that I pick the invalid- do I think he's the least likely to reject me?  I will say again that I was very impressed by his writing and his passion for making a difference in the world...I even worry I'm not smart enough for him.
Listen to me talking like I know him...I saw a picture and 500 words and made up this ideal person all without even messaging the fellow.  It is fascinating to me to analyze what it is I think I want.  I think I don't really know what men are like at all.  I don't think I'm planning to do anything about it at all; I think I've told myself I have to move out first.  In the meantime it's fun to make up these little scenarios but oh!  eventually I think I will drive myself mad....

Un-touched

Since I have been sick for a week, I have been feeling a bit shunned by all.  Sick people are germy and should be avoided. 
(I am much better, but still coughing dramatically.)

I'm so tired.  I've been go-go-go all summer, doing a bunch of smaller gigs.  Today I am feeling that I am perhaps getting ripped off or giving more than I should.  I'm an artist, and if I get more than $20 bucks an hour I get excited, but that's really peanuts, considering I've been a working artist for 8 years (theoretically.)
I'm trying to work with this arts organization that has a noble mandate, but is really hard to work for.  Several people I know have been burned.  Had a long chat with someone who was telling me to protect myself and maybe even to back out of some teaching gigs I said I'd do for them....
Anyways, that's not the topic of this blog, but trying to make a living as an artist is tough.  Probably plays a big part in why other things aren't happening in my life as well.  So there, completely relevant.

But back to the point.  Touch.
I heard a few weeks ago, someone dropped an interesting little factoid into conversation: ideally you should be touched 30 times a day.  Of course I have no source to back this up.  Also I'm assuming she meant touched in a welcome, positive manner, not being groped or punched or anything. (Yes, quality of writing in this blog is held to high standards at eleven o'clock at night.)  And not necessarily touched in a sexual way- but  a handshake, a high fives, a pat on the back, a hug.  There are lots of people out there not making any kind of physical contact with other people for long stretches of time.  It's pretty sad.
Needless to say, this has been a particularly barren week for me.  *Cough Cough Sneeze*

When I'm walking by myself, sometimes my hand folds around an imaginary boyfriend's hand.
When I'm watching a movie, I wish I had my head on someone's shoulder.
I want more than anything to try 'spooning.'

It's a weird frustrating feeling.  Who knew a hand could crave another hand so desperately? There's not really a substitute for the touch of another person. 
(Although having a pet around is supposed to help I believe.)

No wonder they had to invent these:
http://www.popsci.com/technology/article/2011-06/video-japanese-sense-roid-robot-torso-hugs-you-back

PS:  After watching the video, those are weirder than I thought they were going to be!