At this moment the light at the end of the tunnel is flickering and growing dim. At the beginning of the summer I was excited about all the job offers I was getting. I was telling myself I wasn't going back to school in the fall, but signed up for two summer school courses anyways...I was going to eat healthy and get back on track with exercise and with my own creative work. And most importantly, I've been carrying around in my head for months the idea/half baked plan that I would move out at the end of the summer, just before I turn thirty.
Today it feels like nothing's going to change.
I live in the suburbs, away from all the arts organizations I work for, away from the nightlife (whatever that is), away from the young (single) people...It takes me an hour on transit each way. I've probably spent years of my life on transit. My little dream is to rent an apartment in this funky neighbourhood. I'd settle for a basement suite. (The catch is I want to keep my dog or at least be able to take him when my mother goes away, and the city is so expensive.)
I'm bummed because instead of listening in class tonight, I started making a budget on a piece of scrap paper...Of course I'm making up numbers out of my head; I don't really know how much I'd spend a week on food for example...If I was generous in some areas I skimped in others. The number I came up with was still $4000 more than my savings and summer wages combined, when I include next year's tuition costs. Is it really worth blowing my savings to do this? If I live at home one year longer....finish school, get a good job, all without student loans? Financially smarter, but can my pride stand it?
Of course I could work and go to school at the same time. I didn't work last year and I could barely keep up with the homework. There was a lot of group projects and I ended up doing the work of slackers...slackers who had nice cushy city jobs and will have nice cushy city jobs after they graduate regardless of their marks. If I'm working and going to school and learning how to live on my own, I won't have much time for art or fun. Would I be happier than I am now?
Oh I hate school so so SO much and dread going back....Is that piece of paper really going to guarantee me the job, or am I just wasting two years?
The thing is, there are two things I avoid telling people- that I live at home and that I've never had a boyfriend. I worry I won't be able to feel good about myself until I move out. That is, I won't actively try the dating scene until I'm independent. I know moving out is going to be a real shock for me and I'm going to learn so much about the real world. It's going to be extremely unpleasant and yet I want to make myself do it because I think it will make a new life start for me. It's the only way to break old habits.
I don't know how people fit so much into their lives- work school social time and just taking care of the daily chores. I'm exhausted all the time doing just a fraction of that. It doesn't help that I've had this cough for a month now, and all the work and volunteering I'm doing should be fun, but are a bit stressful because I'm feeling behind and overwhelmed.
So much work to do in all areas... I have this chart on Joe's Goals where I keep track of all the daily habits I'm trying to build up: Draw every day, exercise, clean, talk to a new person, walk my dog...The only problem is if I really did them all it would take me 6 hours a day! If I want to be an artist, I need time to make art and experiment and develop....economically impossible...oh, and I've had years to do that and it's been fits and spurts....
The other complication in all this is that my mother, whom I live with, hasn't decided what she's doing about school next year and my father has recently sold his business, stopped paying her alimony and is trying to negotiate a final settlement with her. She expects she could get more money if she started going for her Master's....another two years at the university. We don't live near to the U, would she be better off in an apartment on campus, will she have to sell the house anyways?
On another topic:
I mentioned that I had read a profile that intrigued me on OKC. I haven't done anything about it; I haven't even logged into OKC to read it again, but I've spent the day making up silly daydreams about seeing him on the bus, recognizing him, and boldly starting a conversation. I would know all these things about him and he wouldn't know anything about me. I would be witty, mysterious, intriguing and he would just have to see me again...
I should explain that the guy seems quite brilliant and quirky and he's got this sad story of having a major medical emergency some time ago and his fiancee not being able to handle it and dumping him. He is still recovering physically, and I imagine emotionally. I wonder if he's bitter about it. Maybe I should be seeing red flags but instead I think it's tragic and romantic. I wonder if it says something about my own opinion of myself that I pick the invalid- do I think he's the least likely to reject me? I will say again that I was very impressed by his writing and his passion for making a difference in the world...I even worry I'm not smart enough for him.
Listen to me talking like I know him...I saw a picture and 500 words and made up this ideal person all without even messaging the fellow. It is fascinating to me to analyze what it is I think I want. I think I don't really know what men are like at all. I don't think I'm planning to do anything about it at all; I think I've told myself I have to move out first. In the meantime it's fun to make up these little scenarios but oh! eventually I think I will drive myself mad....
Showing posts with label living at home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living at home. Show all posts
Monday, 25 July 2011
Monday, 4 July 2011
Living With Mom
I've got bronchitis or something and am miserable. I haven't left the house in three days which usually makes me broody (Is that the right word? I just looked it up- it means oppressive, contemplative, and wanting to hatch eggs or have a baby. I'm leaving it.)
I'm also doing a lot of sewing and I have a deadline, so that's not helping, as it is repetitive, labour intensive and frustrating.
My brother came over tonight and the conversation touched on a lot of 'issues' in my life. I think throughout the visit I was at times negative or withdrawn. I could probably write two or three posts about the topic of 'negativity'.... It's one of those vicious cycle thingies: feel down, say negative things, damage relationships, feel worse....I just want a hug and a good cry and I've got nobody to talk to except whoever is reading this anonymous online blog.
Alright, that's enough of a lead-up.
Since my brother and his girlfriend are expecting, there was naturally discussion about babies. He said they were planning to have another one at some point. (It is totally weird to see my brother all domestic, and wearing nice office clothes too. Gah, everyone gets so boring.) My mother said he could have more, since I wasn't going to have any. Then she told the story she always tells about David Suzuki (Canadian environmentalist) being criticized for having 5 children when the earth is overpopulated, and his reply being that smart people better have children because stupid people sure as hell are going to.
Later, my mother said if she won the lottery, she and I could move to a certain neighbourhood we like. I rather hope I won't be living with her beyond next year, lottery or no lottery. Maybe some of my siblings and their progeny would take up the offer.
I should also explain that, at the moment at least, I am very worried about the environment and consumerism and want to give up all my worldly possessions except for my computer, books and art supplies (so in essence, nothing.) I think winning the lottery is gross.
Anyways, 'stuff' seemed to be the theme of the evening. I think we started talking about my sister's cats, which is a whole 'nother rant, and about all the stuff in the basement. Mom and I share a 2000 square foot house and use about half of it, now that my sister's moved out. We never really moved in, still have boxes and boxes. My mom is perhaps a borderline hoarder...she's said things like 'organization is just an excuse to sell you rubbermaid totes and baskets' and 'if I want to keep stuff in a box and look at it every five years, well that's up to me.' She's also taken the complete opposite viewpoint and calculated how much of the value of the house is being used to store junk.
I don't know if she was always this way, but for the past ten years, it's been an issue we tiptoe around. I'm always accused of throwing out her stuff when she's not around. I actually rarely rarely do that- it's always been a house rule that you don't touch other people's stuff. But just from the way she talks about my role to her friends, it's almost like she wants me to get rid of stuff for her because she knows she can't.
I once tried to give away an old Fisher Price airport playset and she would't let me. I got angry and said she could find a place to keep it and left it in the hallway. (I should explain it was a large object and we had decided to keep the matching house, farm and garage playsets. At that time there were no young children in the family) That airport toy stayed in the hallway for a year and a half.
It's very stressful to me to try and organize things so that I can live my life, and so we won't get drowned, and guessing how much change she can handle. We've lived in this house four years and she hasn't painted anything, changed the curtains, bought new furniture, even hung a single painting to make it her own. She's done this for years. It took her five years to buy a new couch.
My dad and my mom divorced a few years ago. My dad just up and left one Saturday. I was at work and my sister was away camping. (My brother was studying abroad.) I came home and had to deal with my mom by myself. On Sunday I left her alone for a while and she told me she had blacked out. My sister and I had to take shifts for two weeks keeping an eye on her. My dad had been planning it for a while. I think he had a girlfriend, actually. I didn't speak to him for a year. My mom went to counselling. I remember she came home just furious one day because the therapist had told her she was making herself a victim. Mom did have enough energy to get a lawyer and fight for Dad's money, which I supported. Eventually she quit her horrible horrible job that we'd all been telling her to quit for years and for several years she just did nothing. She joined some clubs, dated a bunch of men that all seemed to be named David, and bought a new house. That seemed to take up all of her energy. All the junk from the old house got moved with us.
Now she's gone back to school, and is almost done a second bachelors degree. (She's in sciences, and needed to update.) She's thinking about doing a masters. She's still dawdling, although I know she works hard in school and as hard as it is to believe, is organized and efficient. Apparently that's how she was at work too. It's just household stuff she has no interest in. She has an active social life, but when she's not doing those things, she just gets so passive. She spends a lot of time reading murder mysteries (always set in medieval times, who knew there were so many), doing crosswords, and playing computer solitaire on the easiest settings. She spoils my dog, and doesn't see how fat he's getting. She's on delayed reaction to emergencies...
There's so much work to be done in the house that I'm overwhelmed. She found a leak under the kitchen sink and didn't even tell me for days. It turned out to be the dishwasher, and it still hasn't been fixed.
I worry about her. She's lost so much weight. Sometimes she eats nothing but crackers and cheese. To the outside world, I think she seems a lot more put together....
I feel like my brother and sister are both starting new families and have their own problems, and I'll be left looking after mom. All the stuff in the house seems to be symbolic- my dad, brother and sister all started new lives and dumped a pile of crap (and two cats) in mom's basement. My mother has never lived alone her whole life....How will she do on her own? And who's going to keep the dog? I just want to get the house in order so I can leave with a clear conscience.
I've probaby made myself out to be this dutiful daughter, but I'm always leaning on Mom for help. I clean, but I don't usually grocery shop, and seldom cook. I don't pay rent and lately I've been using her car more than she does. I've been so sick lately, and able to do less and less....
Argh.
I'm also doing a lot of sewing and I have a deadline, so that's not helping, as it is repetitive, labour intensive and frustrating.
My brother came over tonight and the conversation touched on a lot of 'issues' in my life. I think throughout the visit I was at times negative or withdrawn. I could probably write two or three posts about the topic of 'negativity'.... It's one of those vicious cycle thingies: feel down, say negative things, damage relationships, feel worse....I just want a hug and a good cry and I've got nobody to talk to except whoever is reading this anonymous online blog.
Alright, that's enough of a lead-up.
Since my brother and his girlfriend are expecting, there was naturally discussion about babies. He said they were planning to have another one at some point. (It is totally weird to see my brother all domestic, and wearing nice office clothes too. Gah, everyone gets so boring.) My mother said he could have more, since I wasn't going to have any. Then she told the story she always tells about David Suzuki (Canadian environmentalist) being criticized for having 5 children when the earth is overpopulated, and his reply being that smart people better have children because stupid people sure as hell are going to.
Later, my mother said if she won the lottery, she and I could move to a certain neighbourhood we like. I rather hope I won't be living with her beyond next year, lottery or no lottery. Maybe some of my siblings and their progeny would take up the offer.
I should also explain that, at the moment at least, I am very worried about the environment and consumerism and want to give up all my worldly possessions except for my computer, books and art supplies (so in essence, nothing.) I think winning the lottery is gross.
Anyways, 'stuff' seemed to be the theme of the evening. I think we started talking about my sister's cats, which is a whole 'nother rant, and about all the stuff in the basement. Mom and I share a 2000 square foot house and use about half of it, now that my sister's moved out. We never really moved in, still have boxes and boxes. My mom is perhaps a borderline hoarder...she's said things like 'organization is just an excuse to sell you rubbermaid totes and baskets' and 'if I want to keep stuff in a box and look at it every five years, well that's up to me.' She's also taken the complete opposite viewpoint and calculated how much of the value of the house is being used to store junk.
I don't know if she was always this way, but for the past ten years, it's been an issue we tiptoe around. I'm always accused of throwing out her stuff when she's not around. I actually rarely rarely do that- it's always been a house rule that you don't touch other people's stuff. But just from the way she talks about my role to her friends, it's almost like she wants me to get rid of stuff for her because she knows she can't.
I once tried to give away an old Fisher Price airport playset and she would't let me. I got angry and said she could find a place to keep it and left it in the hallway. (I should explain it was a large object and we had decided to keep the matching house, farm and garage playsets. At that time there were no young children in the family) That airport toy stayed in the hallway for a year and a half.
It's very stressful to me to try and organize things so that I can live my life, and so we won't get drowned, and guessing how much change she can handle. We've lived in this house four years and she hasn't painted anything, changed the curtains, bought new furniture, even hung a single painting to make it her own. She's done this for years. It took her five years to buy a new couch.
My dad and my mom divorced a few years ago. My dad just up and left one Saturday. I was at work and my sister was away camping. (My brother was studying abroad.) I came home and had to deal with my mom by myself. On Sunday I left her alone for a while and she told me she had blacked out. My sister and I had to take shifts for two weeks keeping an eye on her. My dad had been planning it for a while. I think he had a girlfriend, actually. I didn't speak to him for a year. My mom went to counselling. I remember she came home just furious one day because the therapist had told her she was making herself a victim. Mom did have enough energy to get a lawyer and fight for Dad's money, which I supported. Eventually she quit her horrible horrible job that we'd all been telling her to quit for years and for several years she just did nothing. She joined some clubs, dated a bunch of men that all seemed to be named David, and bought a new house. That seemed to take up all of her energy. All the junk from the old house got moved with us.
Now she's gone back to school, and is almost done a second bachelors degree. (She's in sciences, and needed to update.) She's thinking about doing a masters. She's still dawdling, although I know she works hard in school and as hard as it is to believe, is organized and efficient. Apparently that's how she was at work too. It's just household stuff she has no interest in. She has an active social life, but when she's not doing those things, she just gets so passive. She spends a lot of time reading murder mysteries (always set in medieval times, who knew there were so many), doing crosswords, and playing computer solitaire on the easiest settings. She spoils my dog, and doesn't see how fat he's getting. She's on delayed reaction to emergencies...
There's so much work to be done in the house that I'm overwhelmed. She found a leak under the kitchen sink and didn't even tell me for days. It turned out to be the dishwasher, and it still hasn't been fixed.
I worry about her. She's lost so much weight. Sometimes she eats nothing but crackers and cheese. To the outside world, I think she seems a lot more put together....
I feel like my brother and sister are both starting new families and have their own problems, and I'll be left looking after mom. All the stuff in the house seems to be symbolic- my dad, brother and sister all started new lives and dumped a pile of crap (and two cats) in mom's basement. My mother has never lived alone her whole life....How will she do on her own? And who's going to keep the dog? I just want to get the house in order so I can leave with a clear conscience.
I've probaby made myself out to be this dutiful daughter, but I'm always leaning on Mom for help. I clean, but I don't usually grocery shop, and seldom cook. I don't pay rent and lately I've been using her car more than she does. I've been so sick lately, and able to do less and less....
Argh.
Sunday, 26 June 2011
Things to Work On. Part One: Career
I went to art school. It was the best four years of my life, but when I graduated I didn't really know how to make a living as an artist. I didn't think of myself as a small business. I didn't realize how important networking was. My mantra was 'If I draw it, they will come..."
For five years I taught art classes, did the occasional arty gig, and worked on my own stuff. Then there was a sort of a meltdown....I was still living at home, not paying rent, but I had no assets and very little savings. I have never had a full time job that lasted longer than a summer, and my twenties were coming to an end.
Last year, I went back to school, which I hate, but I think I've found a new career path that will use my art background and is meaningful to me. I'm working hard this summer to make connections and I'm actually turning down work I'm so busy. I'm feeling pretty good about my future; I only wish I hadn't wasted so much time. Just gotta buckle down and get through this last year of school. Hopefully soon I'll have enough of an income to MOVE OUT!
For five years I taught art classes, did the occasional arty gig, and worked on my own stuff. Then there was a sort of a meltdown....I was still living at home, not paying rent, but I had no assets and very little savings. I have never had a full time job that lasted longer than a summer, and my twenties were coming to an end.
Last year, I went back to school, which I hate, but I think I've found a new career path that will use my art background and is meaningful to me. I'm working hard this summer to make connections and I'm actually turning down work I'm so busy. I'm feeling pretty good about my future; I only wish I hadn't wasted so much time. Just gotta buckle down and get through this last year of school. Hopefully soon I'll have enough of an income to MOVE OUT!
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