Can you be depressed if you're sarcastic about your own moping?

This is a weird mood.

I cry myself to sleep.  I'm about ready for bed, wondering if I need to go through it again tonight.

I cry silently in public.  On the train, tears rolling down my face.

And yet I function during the day.  I sing while doing the dishes.  I think this pining for him is a bit ridiculous.  I should be glad to have my first heartache be for someone clearly not right for me.  (Although- the stroke obscured everything.  I'm not sure I know who Walrus is.  AND NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW)

I almost wonder if I don't enjoy being sad.  Crying feels...well it's not good exactly, but pure.  Do you know what I mean?  The emotion is everything and you're in it.  

It's somehow tragically romantic- the whole story.  I become the wronged heroine...or alternately, he's the tragic figure, depending on if I focus on his bad points or his good.   I cry either way.

I also think I genuinely miss the bastard.

Walrus is still waiting to hear about where he's going to be living and he's going crazy.  I'm going crazy not talking to him.  I broke my own rules and looked at his facebook page.  A few times.  

Actually I sent him a text today about a computer tech thing and he didn't answer it.  I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out why he didn't.

Oh I am weak.  

I just want to hug him.  He's wanted a home of his own for a year now.  It's his big goal and it sorta became mine.  Hard to stop caring about him getting that.

In other news.

Cough's almost gone.  I have broken out in little pimply bumps all over my chest and shoulders.  This has happened to me before.  Why, body, are you so unhappy with me?  I don't know what I'm doing that displeases you.

Internship is a joke.  I'm in charge of 'decorating'.  

Some job interviews on the horizon, and had one last week.  All for part-time jobs sorta in the field I'm trying to get into.   I'm worried I'm going to end up juggling 2 or 3 part time jobs (and possibly more volunteer work as well.)  I don't mind working hard, and I need any source of income I can get, but less than ideal for my finances and social life. 

I am still writing to E once or twice a week.  He has hobbies that all sound interesting to me.  I think I asked him to see a festival event with me (since I get in free and can bring a guest) and I think he's agreed although nothing's organized.  I haven't talked about E much because I don't want to invest too much.  I am starting to get a little excited.  But meeting someone in person is entirely different.  Our messages are fairly small-to-medium talk.  Hobbies and rants about the environment have been the two main topics so far.

If this meeting actually gets organized I'll tell you more about him.

I am going away this weekend to another city to see a music concert and an old friend.  Hopefully that will end this dreadful summer on a bright note.

Illogical

Spock thinks this continued weeping is most illogical.

Crying a lot.  Two weeks of illness and the resulting isolation that went with it are probably a factor.

Figuring out how to be friends with Walrus brought up pain that I thought was healing.  

Logically I know that I didn't see Walrus as forever.  The break-up was inevitable, so now is as good a time as any.  Except I didn't think we were done learning from each other.

People fight twice as hard on a losing battle, maybe?  The situation made the relationship extra difficult and I tried very hard to make it work.  I'm so sad for him, and it makes it hard to walk away.  Hard to walk away, say 'not my problem' and still feel like a good person.

Thanks to Matt79 for this insightful comment on the last post:

I mean, I think overall your motivation for staying in touch with him involves a mixture of things all combining together - some guilt (which I don't think is warranted at all, but I know that doesn't just make it disappear), some answer-wanting, some being-needed-wanting and some appreciation-wanting. And also I was wrong about you just wanting to talk about your feelings - you want him to talk about his feelings too. Sounds like that's a difficult thing to make happen. Which might just make you try even harder.

Yes.  Yes to all those things.  Brilliant.

Here's what's been done.  

• I can't figure out facebook but I think I'll see 'Only Important' posts from him.  
• Made it so I can't see when he's online on google.
• Wrote a very gentle email saying I got overwhelmed being in touch with him throughout the day and suggested a weekly check-in with each other instead.  I said I'm here if he needs a friend since I am one of the few people who really knows the situation, and he knows me well enough by now to know if I'll be helpful or not.

The weekly check-in part was a bit lame but I wanted some sort of concrete guideline for him.  A little formality makes it distinctly different from the old way of communicating.

He did not write back.  I'm fairly sure he has read it and fairly sure if he didn't answer immediately then it was too emotional for him and he won't.

Did think about pushing for my thank you letter but dropped it for the moment.  If we are going to be friends, then I have to hear 'thank you' at some point.  But that's a point far away in time, I suspect.  

So, whose court is the ball in now?  

Confusion Update

Walrus was texting me random observations yesterday.  I started sending shorter and shorter replies and he stopped mid-afternoon.  Actually I think he was napping.  Around 9pm last night he sent a text about [local sporting event].  I was unimpressed.  I said 'why are you texting me about sports?'
"Because I like [said sport]"
I was trying to figure out how to say 'I'm your ex, remember?'
I did say 'I'm half of this conversation'
But he was already going on about something on the TV.  I admit I indulged him in small talk for a bit and then I said, "Hey Walrus?"
"Yes?"
"Talking to you makes me confused.  I want to be friends, but I don't think I'm over the break-up"
"I see."  (I hate when he says 'I see'.  It reveals nothing.)
Long pause.  Like, 20 minutes.
Me: "Are you still there?"
Pause.
"Please say something."
"I'm here.  I'm thinking.  You're not wrong to feel like this."
 "I didn't think my feelings were wrong.  I'm new at break-ups though."
Long pause.
Me: "Are you still thinking or do you want me to keep rambling?"
"Say what you need to say."
So I say some stuff about yes, wanting to be friends, but needing a cleaner break than what we did, more time to process things, etc etc.  I mentioned the 'anniversary' for some reason.  He just said stuff like 'I understand' and 'Yes'
By this point I was crying and just kept typing. 'We'll see each other at choir and I wanted to take you to the festival and I wanted to come to your housewarming."
"I don't think the housewarming is going to happen"
"What?  Oh no!"
Hour-long conversation about his frustrations with social housing.  He's supposedly been moved to the top of the wait-list and was promised a spot by the end of the month- which is almost here and he hasn't heard anything.  He could be placed anywhere in the greater metropolitan area, although they do know about his medical condition and are supposedly trying to place him in the main part of town.  He's ready to go at any moment.  If he hears nothing he stays where he is (a group home) and waits.
Almost midnight.  "Time for bed!  Goodnight!"
What, no thank you?

There is some evidence online this morning that he had a sleepless night.  (3am facebook post about puppeteer Jerry Nelson passing away)  Oh technology!  How did people date before the internet?

I woke up feeling a little angry.  He just doesn't get it, once again.
Is it brain injury or is it just because he's male?   Great idea for a game show!  I talked to my Friend in the North yesterday, in the time Walrus was napping, and she said 'All men are clueless.  This one is a little more clueless than most.'  My apologies to male readers.  I never thought I'd say anything so simplistic, but all the jokes about how men and women think differently seem to be coming true!

I'm not sure what to do now.  I said I need a break, and then ended up being a friend to him anyways.
He cannot text me all day long.
1.  My confused brain says, 'if you want to talk to me that much, why aren't we together?'
2.  And really, that door needs to shut.  We are not getting back together.
3.  It feels like he's talking at me.  There's a reason I'm not on Twitter.  I don't want people's quips coming at me all day long.

I imagine he is very bored and possible deeply lonely.   I'm sad for him, but I can't help him.  It's part of a break-up, and compounded by his stroke (no work life, friends that have flaked out...)  He made his choice.

Here's the thing:
I feel like I'm not exactly the life of the party, and throughout my life, certain friends have called me when there's nobody better available.  That's my hangup, and Walrus doesn't know that, but it's time I said no more of that.  I'm tired of being at the bottom of the list.  I want people to contact me because they want to talk to me, specifically me, not just anybody and I happened to be around.
I AM BETTER THAN THAT.  LAST CHOICE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE.
IF YOU CONTACT ME, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN AS WELL AS TALK.  (unless it's an emotional emergency but then you'd better be there for me when it's my turn.)

Beyond the no texting all day rule, not sure where to draw the line.
Sigh.

Various Confusions

Still sick!  Here are the confusions confusing me at the moment:

1. I've been reading about the environment all week and I'm convinced the end of the world is nigh.  Like, THERE'S NO HOPE WE'VE GONE AND FUCKED EVERYTHING UP AND WE DON'T SEEM TO CARE.  I've got on a weird kick where I'm worried about world population (7 BILLION IS LOTS, THANKS) and think people should voluntarily stop at one or two kids.  I mean, every prediction I've read has us reaching a major crisis in about 2050.  That's in my expected lifetime, never mind the next generation's.  So my questions are- how do I stop from being preachy and no fun while doing what I think is right?  And if there was a realistic possibility of me having my own kids, would I be strong enough to not to?   Maybe I wouldn't be begrudging people their offspring if I had some of my own....  My poor imaginary kids.  It'd be all cloth diapers and second hand toys and no glow sticks, glitter glue, fast food with toys, etc....

2.  Fashion Magazines. $21,000 for a handbag?  Am I the only one who thinks that's morally wrong?

3. This article had me crying last night for some reason.  I got some magazines from the library (see above) to read while I'm sick, including a Psychology Today (I think it's February 2011).  The article is about making a long term relationship work, instead of looking for a more ideal mate.  It says there are only a few things that really make a bad mate- addictions, and cheaters, and some anger/emotional issues.
RAMBLE:  So then I felt like I should have made things work with Walrus.  But maybe he does have a borderline addiction?  It takes two partners to make it work.  HE HAS A BRAIN INJURY.  This was my first time out; I don't know how to do it!  And then the article said that you have to know what you value and it told this story of a woman who valued good character and married a chef, and then didn't respect him because he couldn't keep up intellectually.  She dumped him for bad grammar!  And I think I value good character, but I could see myself DOING THE SAME THING.  And the article JUST SAID there was no such thing as incompatibility and then contradicted itself.  And then it said there IS incompatibility in dating and you should get rid of people that don't fit with you so HOW DO I PICK SOMEONE?  I'm going to screw it up!

4.  And then my list of what I wanted seemed ridiculous because I HAVE NO IDEA.  I know I don't want someone like my dad, or like my brother-in-law, and only about half (three quarters?) like Walrus.

5.  THE BIG ONE
I wanted to be friends with Walrus.  But, do I?
We had another text conversation this morning and now I'm getting updates throughout the day.  People and their phones!  He should get a Twitter account.  Any little observation or witticism he came up with, he used to text somebody, usually me.  I used to love/hate getting them.  And I admit I'd send them too.  Connected all day long.
Soooo.  Huh.  I cried a lot yesterday (see above) and I'm not really sure what's behind it.  A second grieving for the break-up or just tired of being sick?
I wanted to be friends, I said, and I reached out and contacted him several times, and now that we've crossed some sort of line where he thinks he can text me all day long like before---I can't handle it.  Walrus loves small talk and I don't.  If we're talking about silly stuff, I'm longing to really talk about anything deep.  How he's really doing with the stroke, and how he feels about me and where's my thank-you letter and why did things go wrong and everything!
 What is his motivation to talk to me?  I guess he's bored and I'm still willing to listen to him and he's not really mad at me.  What's my motivation?  Some mix of guilt and missing the good parts of him and ?

Happy 100th Birthday to the All-Time Babe of All Time- Gene Kelly!

It is also the one year anniversary of the first meeting with Walrus. Trying not to think about that.

I'm still very sick.  I've coughed so much I've torn a muscle under my ribs and am in tremendous pain.  **Cough Cough [curse word]**

Had a two hour text chat with Walrus about politics the other day.  I think we were just both bored.  No harm done, right?

Found a new (Canadian!) dating blog.  It's okay- a different viewpoint than mine.  I liked this post though:

http://sexytypewriter.com/2012/07/25/willful-environmental-ignorance-of-world-leaders-the-reason-i-may-never-have-children/

She posts horrible (and hilarious) messages men have sent her on online dating sites.  I might do that for this blog!  She writes back to these clueless men for some reason. She also has some horror stories.  Honestly, I didn't realize dating was this complicated and now I'm terrified.  I still think of dating in a very old fashioned way- sex comes later.  

E wrote me back.  He writes long messages but I can't get a good sense of him.  I sorta suggested he could come to one of the festival events with me when it starts up in September.

I should probably be excited to meet people.  I'm a nice, smart good looking girl, right?  Instead I feel like I have all these confessions to make that will disappoint him.   Live with mom.  Looking for work.  Trying to lose 10 pounds.  Had one weird relationship.  Trouble with sex....

So much baggage I have to deal with!  Terrified doesn't begin to describe it.

I had a long cry late last night, since I couldn't sleep.  Relived the break-up and the feelings of rejection that went with it, but it soon turned into a general 'what happens next for me?' cry.  I am physically in pain, so it's easy to feel sorry for myself.  

In a weird way, Walrus gives me inspiration.  He had a stroke, lived in a hospital, and he went out and found me.  I'm not sure how confident he was about what he had to offer, but he did it anyways.  And he has to rebuild his life, learn strategies to cope with his disability, find a way to go back to work...Way harder than anything I'm likely to face.  

*the whole I-can't-feel-sorry-for-myself-because-somebody-out-there-has-it-harder thing is a mixed blessing.  It's a bit 'suck it up princess' and a bit 'I have to belittle my own pain, even though it is very real'

What I (think) I want

Well I'm officially sick and on antibiotics.  I'm miserable and bored and frustrated that I can't work on any of my goals. Sigh!  I've analyzed things to death already- it's time to get moving!
Chatted with Walrus yesterday.  He said his neurological assessment came back- his verbal and reading skills were off the chart, top 99.99%, but planning and initiating things would likely always be a problem for him.  A permanent disability.  I just feel bad for him.  He's super smart but now he has to work around this dead spot in his brain.  Anyways, just helps me understand the situation a bit more.
In other news, my mom got a part-time job and I have an interview next week for a kids' afterschool activity program.  Not my ideal choice but gotta find something to do!

In the meantime, I have been working on my list of what I want for the Next Boyfriend.

This list is a good start.  I agree with most of it.  Not the parts about wine and plaid, though.
http://www.thefrisky.com/2008-11-08/your-next-boyfriend-the-100-qualities-he-should-possess/

I think ideally I'm looking for a mix of Gene Kelly and Noam Chomsky. ha!

My List of Deal Makers and Deal Breakers:

Physical
-just a few years older than me.  (I already feel immature!)
-as tall as me is the only thing physical I'm really keen on
-although I do like broad shoulders and a wide Gene Kelly forehead...
-not blue-eyed, preferably.  There's no good reason for this.
-at the moment I have a thing for Dan Mangan look-a-likes.  A boyish look, under a beard.

Career:
-I would like to feel your work made the world better.  Non profit, environment, education, health, for example
-I am highly suspicious of people in business, sales, insurance, finance.
-I would totally fall for a musician or writer, maybe not another visual artist.

Values:
-As much like mine as possible, I'm guessing.
-Someone who cares about the environment, enough to make changes in your daily habits.
-Feminist
-Tolerant of others' differences
-Idealistic, like me

Fun/Interests
-TV and video games don't qualify as interests.  Have a passion that challenges you.
-I don't want to feel like a social director again, don't want to make all the plans.
-I expect you to be a bit geeky but could you not play Dungeons and Dragons or paint those stupid plastic figurines?
-I want you to read my favourite books and I'll read yours (not sci-fi and comic books!).
-You need to understand my idea of fun is quiet/wholesome/learning oriented/ deep connections with fewer people
-Must like camping.  I want to get outside more.

Personality/Characteristics
-I think I like guys who are a bit sarcastic but truly softies on the inside.
-Not big sucks, but I do like affection.
-I want to be proud of your morals and your manners.
-I don't know if you'll be an introvert or an extrovert. I sorta wish you were more outgoing than me, to balance things out, but you won't always have to be with people all the freakin time.
-I hope you can get me to loosen up and not be so serious. An ability to be goofy.
-Yet somewhat organized and punctual
-I'm a dog person.  I always like guys who like cats.  Who knows?

How we are together:
I want to be pushed a little bit, and hopefully you want to be pushed too.  Not that either of us are hugely ambitious but we both have goals, maybe artistic or health or making change, and I want us to bring out the best in each other and support each other.  I hesitate and overthink things and I need someone to say, 'go be awesome'

You should be interested in who I am, in my opinions, in my life before you showed up, and I'll be fascinated by you.
In theory I like it when couples can tease each other and be sarcastic, but sometimes 'just kidding' hides real malice.

Emotions
I'm not going to rescue someone this time.  I need you to have your shit together, or seriously working on it.  You need to be emotionally available, and we should 'get' each other, how to deal with each other when we're upset.

Sex:
I need you to be understanding with the sex thing, and make it fun.  Not too kinky.  *blush*

Big Things:
Monogamous- I didn't realize there were so many 'open relationships' out there.
No smokers, no heavy drinkers.  That really hasn't worked out for me.
I want a house and garden, and think I would be happy in a smaller city/ bigger town but with access to the arts.  I love the city, in small doses.  Oh gawd I'm so suburban!
Not a total neat freak, but not a slob
Not materialistic or addicted to brand-names and new gadgets
Financially prudent
Art-loving in some way
A reader of books
A little quirky.
Smart as all get out.

**EDIT*** And excellent grammar.  And a healthy diet.  Not that I'm picky or anything.

Sick and Angry and Nerdy

Are any of you the literary nerd type?  I'm trying to find a quote from a Charlotte Bronte novel- either Shirley or Villette.  More likely Shirley.  There is an old maid who is absolutely pure goodness and the heroine goes to visit her and says to herself (not a direct quote, by any means) 'I will be as good and uncomplaining as her; I will devote my life to serving others.'  Later the heroine (Caroline, if the book this is from is indeed Shirley) declares that kind of a life is not enough for her, that she needs something of her own.  (This is all very much misquoted.  I read it years ago and it stung a little at the time.)

I try to be good, but oh I want so much more!  I'm tired of being the friend who's called when no one better is available and the babysitter of my siblings' children.  And even those roles are better than not being needed at all.

I am still sick.  I have a horrible phlegm-y hacking hurting cough and it's worse if I lie down.  I usually get this cough once or twice a year, every year since I was eighteen.  I don't know why the doctor does nothing.  It will probably linger for weeks.

I can't sleep.  I was sitting up in bed, trying to hold in the coughing, angry at the world.  Why am I so sickly?  I can't work on my goals or have any fun.  I just have to cough and cough and cough for the next few weeks.  Why don't I have more close friends?  Why am I not special to anybody?  Why didn't I say something about this terrible haircut?  Why did I pay $50 dollars for it?  Why did I tip the hairdresser on top of that?  Why did none of my family notice the new haircut?  What am I going to write to my father?  Why is this waiting and loneliness the story of my life?

I was sitting up in bed looking down at my feet in the middle of my double bed, surrounded by wide expanses of blue flowered sheets.  It seems long ago that there was a Walrus next to me.  I just kept looking at the empty space wondering who would fill it next, trying to picture this unknowable person and how we would be together...

And then I got mad at Walrus because I waited my whole life to have sex and he decided to get piss-drunk instead.

And tears ran down my face and I got out of bed.  And here I am.
I just want something that's mine.  Mine mine mine!  Walrus doesn't have anything left in his life either- I thought we'd have that in common.  But sharing our nothing didn't really work.