Still sick! Here are the confusions confusing me at the moment:
1. I've been reading about the environment all week and I'm convinced the end of the world is nigh. Like, THERE'S NO HOPE WE'VE GONE AND FUCKED EVERYTHING UP AND WE DON'T SEEM TO CARE. I've got on a weird kick where I'm worried about world population (7 BILLION IS LOTS, THANKS) and think people should voluntarily stop at one or two kids. I mean, every prediction I've read has us reaching a major crisis in about 2050. That's in my expected lifetime, never mind the next generation's. So my questions are- how do I stop from being preachy and no fun while doing what I think is right? And if there was a realistic possibility of me having my own kids, would I be strong enough to not to? Maybe I wouldn't be begrudging people their offspring if I had some of my own.... My poor imaginary kids. It'd be all cloth diapers and second hand toys and no glow sticks, glitter glue, fast food with toys, etc....
2. Fashion Magazines. $21,000 for a handbag? Am I the only one who thinks that's morally wrong?
3. This article had me crying last night for some reason. I got some magazines from the library (see above) to read while I'm sick, including a Psychology Today (I think it's February 2011). The article is about making a long term relationship work, instead of looking for a more ideal mate. It says there are only a few things that really make a bad mate- addictions, and cheaters, and some anger/emotional issues.
RAMBLE: So then I felt like I should have made things work with Walrus. But maybe he does have a borderline addiction? It takes two partners to make it work. HE HAS A BRAIN INJURY. This was my first time out; I don't know how to do it! And then the article said that you have to know what you value and it told this story of a woman who valued good character and married a chef, and then didn't respect him because he couldn't keep up intellectually. She dumped him for bad grammar! And I think I value good character, but I could see myself DOING THE SAME THING. And the article JUST SAID there was no such thing as incompatibility and then contradicted itself. And then it said there IS incompatibility in dating and you should get rid of people that don't fit with you so HOW DO I PICK SOMEONE? I'm going to screw it up!
4. And then my list of what I wanted seemed ridiculous because I HAVE NO IDEA. I know I don't want someone like my dad, or like my brother-in-law, and only about half (three quarters?) like Walrus.
5. THE BIG ONE
I wanted to be friends with Walrus. But, do I?
We had another text conversation this morning and now I'm getting updates throughout the day. People and their phones! He should get a Twitter account. Any little observation or witticism he came up with, he used to text somebody, usually me. I used to love/hate getting them. And I admit I'd send them too. Connected all day long.
Soooo. Huh. I cried a lot yesterday (see above) and I'm not really sure what's behind it. A second grieving for the break-up or just tired of being sick?
I wanted to be friends, I said, and I reached out and contacted him several times, and now that we've crossed some sort of line where he thinks he can text me all day long like before---I can't handle it. Walrus loves small talk and I don't. If we're talking about silly stuff, I'm longing to really talk about anything deep. How he's really doing with the stroke, and how he feels about me and where's my thank-you letter and why did things go wrong and everything!
What is his motivation to talk to me? I guess he's bored and I'm still willing to listen to him and he's not really mad at me. What's my motivation? Some mix of guilt and missing the good parts of him and ?
Walrus sounds perfect for Twitter.
ReplyDeleteThe question of whether to stay in touch with exes is one which I've never fully resolved myself. I remember after my first big break-up at first it was hard to imagine ceasing contact because we'd been big parts of each other's lives. How could I stop having any contact with someone with whom I'd had such a connection? But as time went by I realised that the "connection" would never feel the same again whether we stayed in touch or not. Eventually it just felt strange to have occasional small talk, especially after I started dating someone new, so our contact ceased and that felt fine by then.
ReplyDeleteSeparately, but related to that: I think there is some benefit to not always having been with the same person. Imagine if you had stayed with Walrus "forever" (or for decades or whatver) - I think you would have become increasingly aware that you didn't know what a relationship with anyone other than him might feel like. Now if you meet someone else (and if I were a betting man I'd bet that you will) you'll at least have some frame of reference; some alternative experience. Personally I think that's a helpful thing.