Walrus was texting me random observations yesterday. I started sending shorter and shorter replies and he stopped mid-afternoon. Actually I think he was napping. Around 9pm last night he sent a text about [local sporting event]. I was unimpressed. I said 'why are you texting me about sports?'
"Because I like [said sport]"
I was trying to figure out how to say 'I'm your ex, remember?'
I did say 'I'm half of this conversation'
But he was already going on about something on the TV. I admit I indulged him in small talk for a bit and then I said, "Hey Walrus?"
"Yes?"
"Talking to you makes me confused. I want to be friends, but I don't think I'm over the break-up"
"I see." (I hate when he says 'I see'. It reveals nothing.)
Long pause. Like, 20 minutes.
Me: "Are you still there?"
Pause.
"Please say something."
"I'm here. I'm thinking. You're not wrong to feel like this."
"I didn't think my feelings were wrong. I'm new at break-ups though."
Long pause.
Me: "Are you still thinking or do you want me to keep rambling?"
"Say what you need to say."
So I say some stuff about yes, wanting to be friends, but needing a cleaner break than what we did, more time to process things, etc etc. I mentioned the 'anniversary' for some reason. He just said stuff like 'I understand' and 'Yes'
By this point I was crying and just kept typing. 'We'll see each other at choir and I wanted to take you to the festival and I wanted to come to your housewarming."
"I don't think the housewarming is going to happen"
"What? Oh no!"
Hour-long conversation about his frustrations with social housing. He's supposedly been moved to the top of the wait-list and was promised a spot by the end of the month- which is almost here and he hasn't heard anything. He could be placed anywhere in the greater metropolitan area, although they do know about his medical condition and are supposedly trying to place him in the main part of town. He's ready to go at any moment. If he hears nothing he stays where he is (a group home) and waits.
Almost midnight. "Time for bed! Goodnight!"
What, no thank you?
There is some evidence online this morning that he had a sleepless night. (3am facebook post about puppeteer Jerry Nelson passing away) Oh technology! How did people date before the internet?
I woke up feeling a little angry. He just doesn't get it, once again.
Is it brain injury or is it just because he's male? Great idea for a game show! I talked to my Friend in the North yesterday, in the time Walrus was napping, and she said 'All men are clueless. This one is a little more clueless than most.' My apologies to male readers. I never thought I'd say anything so simplistic, but all the jokes about how men and women think differently seem to be coming true!
I'm not sure what to do now. I said I need a break, and then ended up being a friend to him anyways.
He cannot text me all day long.
1. My confused brain says, 'if you want to talk to me that much, why aren't we together?'
2. And really, that door needs to shut. We are not getting back together.
3. It feels like he's talking at me. There's a reason I'm not on Twitter. I don't want people's quips coming at me all day long.
I imagine he is very bored and possible deeply lonely. I'm sad for him, but I can't help him. It's part of a break-up, and compounded by his stroke (no work life, friends that have flaked out...) He made his choice.
Here's the thing:
I feel like I'm not exactly the life of the party, and throughout my life, certain friends have called me when there's nobody better available. That's my hangup, and Walrus doesn't know that, but it's time I said no more of that. I'm tired of being at the bottom of the list. I want people to contact me because they want to talk to me, specifically me, not just anybody and I happened to be around.
I AM BETTER THAN THAT. LAST CHOICE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE.
IF YOU CONTACT ME, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN AS WELL AS TALK. (unless it's an emotional emergency but then you'd better be there for me when it's my turn.)
Beyond the no texting all day rule, not sure where to draw the line.
Sigh.
It's especially things like this where I'm hoping that being a male commenter on your blog will be a useful thing! None of the following is supposed to be a criticism at all - I'm just trying to supply some insider information based on being a guy, which you're understandably not privy to through not being one.
ReplyDeleteAs a guy, when I look at the line "Talking to you makes me confused. I want to be friends, but I don't think I'm over the break-up" I see a statement. The transmission of information. There's no question, no request, no instruction as to how it's hoped I might proceed. I might easily have replied with "I see" as well, except that I've (gradually) learned that most women say things like this for a reason. It's not just to give me information about where you're at. It's not a precursor to your telling me what you'd like me to do. It's because you want to talk more about where you're at. You want to mull over your feelings about the situation and try to figure out what you want. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that at all. I think most women do this and most men don't do this, because some of the stereotypical differences between our genders really do have some truth to them. So, as a guy, he's unlikely to be a great partner in this mulling-over exercise.
But there's a bigger reason why he's not a great partner for this conversation. You're trying to mull over your feelings about your ex, but you're trying to do it with your ex. You're asking him to help you figure out what you want from him. That seems like some kind of paradox, or at least a very complicated scenario, and I'm not surprised that it threw him for a while.
I would suggest talking with other people about this mulling-over process, and not talking with him about it. Maybe you would even benefit from some time (e.g. one week) with no interaction with him. That means not checking his 3am Facebook posts either. Figure out what you want without involving him in the deliberations, and then let him know. It doesn't have to be a final answer - you're entitled to change your mind as time goes by. But I think it'll be helpful for both of you if you tell him what you want at any given point in time rather than hoping he'll know or inviting him to speculate.
As I said, this isn't meant to sound harsh at all - I apologise if any of it does. It's all a learning experience, right? I still have plenty to learn too but I hope that some of my previous learnings can make for useful blog comment fodder.
It's not harsh.
ReplyDeleteSo, why was he texting me? Friday night texts about sports to an (extremely ill) ex-girlfriend- how does he think that's going to go over? He didn't even ask if my cold was better. My guess is that he is bored and lonely. But he must have had some sort of post-breakup thing of his own to get through, no? Does he really feel uncomplicated no-baggage friendship for me this quickly?
His behavior was new and so was my confusion. I'd always contacted him first and we'd been quite formal. The statement was as much as I understood about the situation at the time. I left out some things in the blogged version. I think I said 'I don't know what you're supposed to say to that' and later I said 'I'm sorry I changed the rules on you'
Yeah I get that it's weird to talk about getting over the break-up with the ex. We have to each do our healing separately. Pretty sure about that one. I thought maybe the stroke might let us fast-track to friendship stage. Maybe for him, not for me.
No contact might be the only answer. I was trying to be a friend because he doesn't have a lot of support right now but maybe I can't do it.
Do I write to him and explain the no contact situation or just hope that he got the message from our conversation last night?
I'll have to figure out how to work facebook. Last time I ended up unfriending and refriending him!
I think you can never know for sure why he's texting you. It's frustrating not to know for sure, and it would be lovely if we could always know why other people do things, but ultimately I think we have to come to our own conclusions. I think that your guesses sound good. Bored and lonely - that's more than enough reason. I don't think he's trying to get back into a relationship with you (I could be wrong) - I don't think he would want to risk putting himself out there like that. But by sending trivial comments and not putting much thought into what you might prefer to discuss, he figures he might get some more chat to pass the time, and if not then no big deal.
ReplyDeleteI must admit I feel less confident with this comment than some of my others. I don't know anyone who has gone through what he's gone through. It makes it doubly difficult to know his motivations with that extra factor thrown into the mix. But I do know that with my first ex I healed a lot better once I stopped trying to figure out what was going on in her head, or trying to get explanations or apologies from her, and concentrated more on listening to my own head and figuring out what I wanted and needed.
I think if you take a contact break it's best to let him know. I would say that "just hope he got the message from our conversation" is not a reliable thing to do with any man! You'd be surprised at how inept some of us are at taking hints and reading between lines. You saw this in your relationship too, right? You would be upset but you wouldn't spell it out and you would hope that he would figure it out, and then he didn't, or at least didn't say anything. So I'd say spell it out - you could reference last night's conversation and just say that you've realised you need some space to get your head straight or something. Spell out the boundaries clearly. I think he'll be OK for a week without you - he might even pick other people to send small talk to. Didn't he have a load of party friends or something? It might be more their style of chat.
Maybe you can be a friend to him at some point, but it would work much better once you're more healed and your motivations are no longer partly due to wanting answers (not that there's anything wrong with that - it's just that often it doesn't work.)
Wanting answers. I've practically written that myself in how many posts, and I still need to read it here in your comments to get it. Yeah, I'm still pissed and I still want answers but he had a stroke so I feel like I can't get mad at him. And maybe that's the situation and I just have to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteMy first response was: Yeah, no contact, good idea. Oh but not this week! He's waiting for his new place and he's going crazy.
And why do I feel I have to be involved in that? Is that my answer? I don't know!
I feel like I'm noticing something extra which I hadn't noted in previous comments: it's not just that you feel you "have" to be involved in his daily life; it's that part of you "wants" to be involved. Again, none of this is meant to be judgmental or critical. You want him to want your help and to appreciate it. It's nice to feel needed, right? Nothing wrong with that - I think most of us have it to some extent.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I think overall your motivation for staying in touch with him involves a mixture of things all combining together - some guilt (which I don't think is warranted at all, but I know that doesn't just make it disappear), some answer-wanting, some being-needed-wanting and some appreciation-wanting. And also I was wrong about you just wanting to talk about your feelings - you want him to talk about his feelings too. Sounds like that's a difficult thing to make happen. Which might just make you try even harder.
So giving up on contact with him would actually mean missing out on quite a few different needs and wants of yours. Maybe it is too soon to be letting all of that go. But maybe you can somehow split out these different motivations and try to address them one by one. If you're not yet ready to go cold-turkey (do they have that phrase over there?) then I'd consider pushing again for that letter which he was supposed to write to you, because maybe that would help with the "answers" bit and the "appreciation" bit. And maybe, with each of your interactions with him, consider which need(s) of yours is/are involved, and then think about whether they're getting met.