It's all out, and I can't put it back.
Walrus sent me a text asking what time our meditation class was. He can check this on facebook, but he's either too lazy or was just trying to engage me in conversation. I told him.
A little while later, I thought about it and added 'But I don't think I'll go.'
Him: No?
Me: I'm not sure.
Him: Why not?
Me: I'm not feeling too Zen.
Then all of a sudden he got really combative. "Normally I'd bullbait you but I don't feel the need to fight anymore"
I stared at that, trying to figure out what he meant. I was thinking about Captain Awkward, and trying not to send FEELINGSTEXT. Finally, I said, 'My feelings are my problem- I need some time.' Notice how I never said I was upset about him. I was, but he assumed it was so.
He said, 'yeah yeah. You get on with your Euripides drama.'
Me: You don't have to be mean.
(By this time, I've slipped away to my room, sobbing, leaving Mom to watch the nephew. My sister arrives to pick up her child and I can hear Mom telling her I worked seven out of the last eight days and am napping. Later, she tells my sister I skipped my community leadership class claiming I was sick (it was scheduled for the one day I didn't work this week) and how I take too many sick days with my volunteering and if I don't like volunteering it would be better to just quit than to do it uncommittedly. All of this just added to the misery.)
I cry for a bit. After a while he writes, "I have no patience for unnecessary drama." I said, " 'Not feeling too zen' isn't that dramatic a statement. Do you want to talk this out now or are we too keyed up?"
He said, let's talk. I said, where do we start?
'I don't know, it's your drama.'
I said, "Yeah I guess, but why not ignore me? I asked for space and you contacted me. You were my first breakup, you know. If I needed to have a little sulk, I should have kept it to myself, but I guess it got out. Hearing the news from you would have made it easier, but I don't have to make this 'all about me' either'"
"Excuse me for not sending you daily letters on my minutiae."
(Ha! You readers know Walrus sends extremely boring texts about all the mundane details of his life, and has never breathed a word about new girlfriend. I started to respond to that, but thought better of it)
Instead I said, "You're still mad."
"No, I just think the whole thing is absurd, but keep going."
"I'd rather not."
"Fine then."
But I did keep going. "Walrus- I didn't think it was absurd that you were upset by Evil Ex's text message two years after she left you."
"She sent it to antagonize me"
I ignore that and continue. "We're friends now and we agreed we'd both move on."
"Yes, I recall you made a comment about dating other people"
"So now that time has come and I find I have some emotions to work through. I can't help it."
"I've moved on. I don't see why this should matter to you or why you need to be weird about it."
(Again, reminded of a Captain Awkward column where she pointed out that women are considered 'emotional' when they are sad or crying, but men tend to get angry and aggressive, and yet that's not considered 'emotional'. Am I the only one who thinks he was also getting weird? Fine, I realize I don't want to be crazy-ex who can't let go. Fine, we've been broken up almost as long as we dated. I am trying to keep things under control but this is a new experience for me and it really would have been nice to have been told in person. I didn't say any of this.)
I said, 'Because my journey is different from yours.'
'Fair enough, just don't let it get messy.'
Me: 'Too late, I think.'
Him: 'It's okay.' (He was almost being nice again!)
Me: 'Now what?'
Him: 'I take a shower and you try and deal with your emotions in a way that doesn't disturb others.'
Me: 'I didn't want to tell you any of this. I just wanted to deal with it myself.'
Him: 'And yet here we are.'
Me: 'Have fun at class tonight'
So, I think that's the end of the friendship. It probably was never healthy for me anyways. Please tell me- should I be embarrassed by this conversation? I wish we'd never had it, but I was trying to stay rational.
Wow - Walrus really is a self-centred jerk sometimes. I laughed out loud at reading "try and deal with your emotions in a way that doesn't disturb others" - this guy's sense of irony is either sorely lacking or so highly developed that it's going over my head.
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing here to be embarrassed about. It's totally normal and understandable to struggle with the news that your ex has started seeing someone new. It's supposed to be an emotional experience. It's supposed to be "messy".
I think it's weird that he's reacting so aggressively. It sounds like most of his messages were antagonistic, or just completely insensitive, like a one-year-old who doesn't realise that other people have feelings. I don't know why he was being like that.
But you know what? It Doesn't Matter Why. Trying to find out what's going on in his head is just not worth the cost, and there'd be no guarantee of successfully getting answers no matter how many heartwrenching hours you put into it.
I understand the temptation to try to get answers or validation or understanding from exes. I've certainly been there. It's such an easy trap to think "I'm not asking for much - if they ever cared for me they could just do me the favour of helping me out with a bit of information or a kind word or two." But it's a dangerous game. They're an ex for a reason - chaces are they weren't giving you what you wanted in the relationship, for one reason or another, so it's not a good bet that they'll do so now. It's more likely that it'll lead to more hurt, and then you'll be trying to talk with them about that hurt, and they won't be giving you what you want in response to that either, and so on.
My advice to you: let yourself feel upset about Walrus's new girlfriend for a few days or weeks; tell yourself that it's OK to feel the way you feel; but give up on trying to understand him, and give up on trying to get him to understand you. It's not worth it. Maybe stop all contact for a while, and then maybe be casual friends, but not emotions-talking friends - he's not cut out for that. We become free of our exes not when we stop loving them or stop wanting to be with them, but when we stop wanting anything from them.
I do not normally like to get judgemental. However, on this one occasion, I have to say it - this Walrus is being a complete and utter jerk to you, unfeeling and quite selfish. Never mind what "emotional issues" he may claim to have.
ReplyDeleteHe made you cry. He made you extremely upset on more than one occasion. And it seems that the only way out of this situation for you would be to get out of this toxic relationship. The sooner the better. It may not be the solution that you would like: you might harbour hopes that at the end, he will change; he will realise the error of his ways; he will come back and everything will be wonderful. It will not. And not because there is a problem with you - reading your account of what has happened, I have a strong feeling that it is Walrus who is acting oddly, and unpleasantly towards you. Certainly not how a real loving friend would ever act.
It is only up to you to decide what to do. However, I would advise you to kill off this relationship. Close the door on it completely. It may not feel pleasant, and you may think it will make you feel like a thoroughly jerky person. I suspect that Walrus is aware of how it makes you feel, and he (as insensitive and emotionally blind as you deem him) uses those feelings quite deftly to manipulate you into acting how he wants you to act. To hang on in there. To give him another chance after yet another chance. To be a comfortable "safe harbour" for him when he is up the creek without a paddle, and then as soon as things are alright, he goes on to have fun, forgetting about you.
This is hardly the layout you would want. And also consider this: a genuine happy relationship may just be around the corner for you. Maybe with OK Cupid guy. Maybe with a handsome environmentalist you will meet a week from now at a festival. Either way, it is waiting to happen - but you are yourself not letting it happen and sabotaging your chances, by hanging on to this Walrus, fearing to hurt his feelings (while he hurt yours a million times already), and closing yourself off for anything new or great happening.
It does sound harsh, but I would advise you to cut yourself off from Walrus completely. Don't call or text him yourself. If you feel compelled to, distract yourself: read a book, paint or draw something, go rearrange the things in the cupboard - anything. If he calls first, make it as laconic as possible. "Yes." "No." "I don't know." "Sorry I cannot talk to you right now, I need to dash to the shops in a minute." Remove him from your Facebook friends list - otherwise you will spend your entire life snooping at what he is up to instead of building a happy future for yourself. If you attend some events where he'll be, don't be afraid to go to them, but don't feel pressurised to talk or communicate with him. If his life is so great and has this wonderful new girlfriend, why does he keep falling back on to you all the time and not letting you move on, but clinging to you like a thistle?
Above all: don't blame yourself that you hurt his feelings or he is upset. Diddums. He himself made you cry lots of times. And don't feel pressurised into helping him, rescuing him, sorting his mess out (as it happened on NYE). You are clearly a very kind and caring person, and he uses it. He is a grown person, and let him, for once, sort out the mess he makes himself!
The only way for you out of this rut is to close the door on the Walrus era and start a new epoch where you are going to get the best for yourself - a happy life and a satisfying respectful relationship. And I think that Walrus, from the way he is acting, is blocking your way towards it.
Wishing you much courage, wisdom and bravery on your quest to happiness!
Elf
ReplyDeleteOK, here are my detailed comments:
1) Notice that he calls first. You did not write to him – he did. So it is a rather fair bet that what has happened between you and him was his game.
2) Him getting combative – definitely not a good sign. Instead of worrying what happened to you, he gets defensive and cocky. The further comment about Euripides drama is even worse. He dismisses your feelings. He plays them down and almost mocks them. Now, can you imagine a possible relationship with someone like this? “I am sick and unwell.” “Oh well, I’ll drop by later when you stop your whining.” You were right. What he said was mean. Pure and simple. “No patience for unnecessary drama” – this reveals him to be selfish and self-centred as well as manipulative. You are clearly unhappy and unwell – and the rotten loon acts like an angry child whose toy does not do what he wants.
3) He says “let’s talk,” and then he concedes that you start. That is a) confusing, b) rather cruel. Remember that he called you first!
4) Your rather reasonable question, “why not ignore me” – note his response: he is definitely being manipulative. Sticking a toe in, checking how you’d react. He wants to ensure that you are still thoroughly wrapped up in him.
5) He “moved on” – has he, really? Then if he has, why is he so intent on not just contacting you, but bothering and intimidating you with acting as he does? Note also his comment on “heard something about you dating other people” sounds as if he does not wish to let you go (despite being jerky and unfeeling in general). He is dismissive of your right to lead a full and happy life. Hardly the modern, feminism-friendly, cultured way to behave, eh?
6) You don’t want to play the crazy-ex role. It seems as if it is Walrus who is being one, doesn’t it?
7) “deal with your emotions in a way that does not disturb the others” – this is quite unpleasant of him indeed.
I honestly think that if somebody had to be embarrassed by this conversation, it is Walrus. He was picking on your words; he was dismissive and rather aggressive; and yet he called you first!
It was a most nasty experience for you, I agree. Not the kind to remember with a smile. However, it is over now. It is in the past. And you can yourself ensure that what happens from this exact moment on is going to be better.
Matt is right that for a few days it will feel terrible. But it will pass, and you will emerge as a stronger, tougher, wiser individual!
Elf
I noticed that you wrote this:
ReplyDelete"Again, reminded of a Captain Awkward column where she pointed out that women are considered 'emotional' when they are sad or crying, but men tend to get angry and aggressive, and yet that's not considered 'emotional'. Am I the only one who thinks he was also getting weird?"
Nope, he was getting weird. And I agree that his anger is emotional, just in a different way. I don't know why he was so combative with you, but I'm guessing that dealing with a stroke and losing his old life is persistently frustrating to him. I also suspect that his relationship with his new girlfriend is not going to turn out well, if he acts the same way around her as he acts with you. And maybe he already knows this. He is contacting you first for some reason, so he gets something out of the friendship too; but it definitely isn't a healthy relationship. You should take a step back from him unless he starts treating you with more respect.
I agree with those who commented above. I originally said to distance yourself from this guy for a while, but now I think it should be forever. I haven't read all your posts, but I don't recall reading anything positive about this Walrus guy from what I have read. It sounds like all he does is hurt you, hurt you, hurt you. He is emotionally manipulating you. He doesn't want you to move on and live your life, and he sadistically seeks pleasure in your pain. One of the commenters said this before---the only way for others to value you is if you value yourself. It seems hard now, but getting rid of this guy will become second nature the more you use your will power to not respond to him. While I hate discouraging people from pursuing their dreams, this is not a dream and more of a nightmare. Walk away from this guy. His ways will come back to haunt him, eventually.
ReplyDeleteIt is jarring to hear Walrus called 'manipulative'. Really, I think he just can't understand my emotions. The brain injury has destroyed his ability to plan. He can't look ahead and see consequences- he just does what he wants to do in the moment. That means he spends all his money too early, or forgets to pass on important information. In this case, however, I suspect that he actively decided not to tell me, just decided I would be fine and let himself off the hook. Still don't see him as manipulative. Just mega-clueless, and probably the brain injury is a big part of it. And when he's wrong, he gets defensive and angry. Saying it's the brain injury doesn't make it any more fun for me, but it does keep me from losing my cool.
ReplyDeleteAll I really want from him is a thank you, and he can't do that, because he can't accept that he needs help, that he's not the same man.
Also my friend suggested that his new place and new girlfriend has given him a confidence boost and he's being arrogant. I was part of the bad times, and he doesn't want to remember how unbalanced that was. He's moving on, full steam ahead, not looking back.
I don't hate him, because he has to rebuild his life and everything he does has been a huge struggle. But I'm done being always there in the background.
Hope the new girlfriend is an absolute SAINT!
"It is jarring to hear Walrus called 'manipulative'."
ReplyDeleteUntil you see the value in yourself, Walrus and others like him will continue to pick up on that and take advantage.
"All I really want from him is a thank you..."
That may never come. Unless Walrus wants to change his ways, you can't force him to change them. And come to think of it, the same goes for you. We can post all we want about how we feel you should let this guy go, but unless you are willing to put yourself first and are ready to take that leap to move on from him, then nothing will happen. The ball's in your court.
Focus on the good things in your life. For starters, you've got that date coming up with the guy from OKCupid that sounds like it'll be fun!