Well it's confirmed.
Walrus sent some of his usual mundane texts about setting up the new apartment and I wasn't answering. Finally I wrote, 'Can I ask you something?'
"Sure, go for it?"
"Are you dating again?"
"Yes"
"oh."
"Does that upset you?"
"Seems to, yes. Why didn't you say something?"
He sputtered something about not thinking I'd be upset. I explain that finding out on fb on Valentine's was not how I wanted to hear the news. He apologizes.
Long pause from me, as I am crying.
"You should have said something. I wish you every happiness. I'll contact you when I'm ready."
"Thank you. You're right, I should have said something."
I cry on the couch. My dog starts barking and trying to lick me. I have a shower, and cry loudly. Dog stands in the bathroom and barks.
I don't really know why I'm so hurt. What exactly is my role to him?
Is this how men do relationships? Throughout the friendship stage, he's seemed completely over the breakup, ignored any of my sideways references to us as a couple and was surprised to find I still had sore spots around it. It was as if it had never happened for him. So, is this him being emotionally clueless or do men really function completely differently than women?
He never could get that it was hard for me to listen to him talk about Evil Ex. Sure wouldn't want to bring that up with New Girl, so let's text Eleanor!
Fucking fuckhead.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. But I know what I did wrong- I wanted him to quit smoking and drinking and eating unhealthy food. I wanted him to recycle and show up on time. I was critical.
At the same time, I just wanted him to...touch me and communicate with me, and it wasn't happening, and neither of us were having fun.
I keep going down my list of complaints. Damn you, Walrus! I picked you up drunk in the middle of the night on New Year's! I paid your phone bill! I tried to be good to you.
Then I get to feel like the wronged party, the blameless.
But I still feel like a loser. Strokey didn't want me, so who will? Because, deep inside, I worry it's because we never had sex.
I'm glad I wrote to that OKC guy, because without that spark of hope, this week would have been a lot harder to take. I can feel like I'm moving on too, almost at the same time. (Just wish I'd got there first. Well I did go on one lousy date in the fall, does that count?)
I'm scared though. If someone's interested, will they still like me after they find out I live at home, I don't have a steady income, I haven't dated much, and the big one- I'm having trouble with sex. Oh, and I don't think I can have children. What a catch!
I'm so insecure about this stuff. Sometimes I'd rather not risk being rejected so I just don't try. I'm trying to overcome that but....
Realization: I don't picture myself in a long-term relationship. I simply can't imagine it. Obviously it must be true that I don't have whatever it takes to maintain one or it would have happened by now, like it happened to everyone else. Who would want to spend a lifetime with me? I've never been that special to anyone. Don't even have a best friend.
I really want this OKC guy to like me. (He needs a nickname.) He seems to have his shit together- a Master's degree, a job, a busy life. We seem to have the same idea of fun, and similar values. I don't see any reason why we wouldn't get along. He would be good for me, he seems more positive than I am, and he likes to see concerts and shows and I don't do enough of that.. and yet I worry that I'm not good enough. Oh please like me, oh please let me have something resembling a healthy relationship that lets me grow...
sorry for this sadfest. I really have to get used to rejection I suppose. real rejection, on top of a lifetime of waiting for signs of interest...
"I don't really know why I'm so hurt. What exactly is my role to him?"
ReplyDeleteI get the impression that your head's saying one thing ("I don't like him---I've moved on!") while your emotions are saying another thing ("I still want him in my life!"). I haven't been in steady relationships, but have had crushes like that where I'm saying "I'm over him!" but my emotions are saying otherwise. It's hard and I hear where you're coming from.
I still think that what I said in my other post, weaning yourself from him, would help you cope. Give yourself some distance from him for a bit, until you feel that his actions and things he says have little effect on you. That time will come, though it may take a while.
And give the new OKCupid guy some time and see what happens with him. Don't doubt yourself and think "I'm not good enough!" Put your best foot forward as much as you can.
Well, I've been reading your blog regularly (though not commenting) and other people are reading and commenting, too, so you have something special about you that draws people to you!
ReplyDeleteI've dealt with similar feelings...of not being chosen for romantic relationships, of never having a best friend, and here's what I think:
Yes, there are probably "reasons" for the way your life is right now; just as I've looked at my own life and have been forced to admit that there are reasons for never having had long-term romantic relationships or a real best friendship. Some people are more physically attractive, more outgoing, or just click better with a wider variety of people. Not getting a lot of interest from men usually does have to do with looks; men tend to pursue the girls they find good-looking. This doesn't mean that you're unattractive; it just means that girls who are average-looking don't stand out in a crowd. Also, some girls just have fantastic social skills. Even if they don't stand out in a crowd because of their looks, they know how to flirt and build fast friendships with men. If you're not one of those girls, you also will probably be less likely to end up in a romantic relationship. As for friendships, if you're slower or more thoughtful than other people, it's also easy to get left behind.
These are things I had to acknowledge myself when I looked for reasons why I haven't had as much success with romantic relationships or friendships as other girls my age; but it doesn't mean that you should feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with you, because there isn't. Everyone has a different function in life; if everyone were attractive, outgoing social butterflies, there'd be no one to listen to their stories or pick up the pieces after they crashed :P and there would be no one who could spend hours alone to do research or writing or art.
I think what I'm trying to say is: don't make everyone else's life the standard for your own. Do the best you can with what you have...getting healthy, looking good, meet new people, etc...but don't feel that just because your life doesn't look like everyone else's lives, there's something "wrong" with you. As far as I can see, you didn't do anything "wrong" in your relationship with Walrus; he didn't pull his own weight in that relationship (and maybe that's because he had his own stroke-related struggles). Also, it's okay to be excited about this new OK Cupid guy, but I'm also writing to encourage you to keep some perspective. It sounds like you're anxious to have a successful relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that goal, but don't place so much importance on reaching the goal that you blame yourself if things with this OK Cupid guy don't work out. Start out by seeing him as a nice person who you can have a good conversation with; if he likes you as more than a friend, great; but if not, don't see it as a failure. Just see it as a useful experience in life that you wouldn't have had if you hadn't taken a shot at meeting someone new.
I think that Anonymous20142016 has made some great points. I'm not sure I have much to add, except to say that I think it was pretty crappy of Walrus not to let you know in some other way. He must be aware that you read his Facebook stuff. I think he's just not very good at taking other people's feelings into account, or he just chooses not to think much about how his actions affect others. Are all men like this? No. Are men on average less in touch with the feelings of others than women are? Probably.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it may feel completely and utterly awful at this very moment - spiritual pain is pretty much in the same vein as physical (your hand does feel painful when you burn or cut it). And that is absolutely normal. You've just had a close brush with a person who turned out to be quite unpleasant (if he was civilised and mature, he would have at least had the courtesy to speak to you openly - this hiding and "mysteriousness" and never saying things as they are is just a bit teenagerish!). And we all inevitably encounter such people at some point in our lives.
ReplyDeleteI'd say in this case - you may feel upset and lonely right now, but actually, it's good riddance to bad rubbish! If he causes you so much pain when you are just boyfriend and girlfriend, can you imagine how much worse it would be when you move in together? Get married? Have kids? Thank goodness it finished the way it finished and did not progress further, causing you even more hurt.
You have mentioned once or twice that you feel as though you are not worthy of a relationship, "if strokey did not want me, etc." However, the gauge of "worthiness" or "unworthiness" of a relationship exists only in your head. It's true that what just happened with this Walrus fellow has undermined your self-belief. But you are not alone. Many absolutely beautiful and talented and environmentally-minded women have been at some point let down by lousy fellows. Audrey Hepburn. Liv Tyler. Princess Diana. And many more.
How about you view this encounter with Walrus as a chance to close the book, tear out the smudged page and start anew? Not to go back to him. Not to expect that he will return, ask forgiveness, etc. You are worth of so much more than somebody who is evidently rather flawed (in the sense of character first and foremost)and you are definitely not terribly excited about. As I like to say, every apocalypse is the dawn of something wonderful to happen in its stead. Maybe a better thing is just about to happen, but you are not letting it happen by blindly hanging on to a dead relationship that never was that wonderful in the first place.
Of course, there is always the fear that now he is out of the picture, nobody else will come. But cheer up! We are not in some forsaken village in the fifteenth century where finding a husband as soon as possible was the only way to avoid starving to death. You have plenty of time to explore at your leisure and find a relationship that would be right for you, not just right according to some set criteria from heaven knows whom. And also - do indulge in the luxury of being a little selfish and making this year a year of You, dedicated to your life and well-being.
As for Walrus - if somebody wants him with all his issues and to play a patient Mother Teresa for eternity whilst waiting till he sorts himself out - they are more than welcome to it!
So cheer up! Happiness may be just around the corner!
Elf
Just a few further thoughts after reading your post – hope you may find something useful amid my witterings!
ReplyDelete1) There is no set generic way for “men” or “women” to behave in a particular situation. We are not computer-programmed robots, nor are we animals with behaviour patterns that are the same for every member of the species. At least, that’s true about the sort of people with whom you’d probably like to commune. There are just different people. Some may be nice and act in a kindly and humane way. Others may be not. You have evidently encountered an example of the latter in the face of the Walrus.
2) Is he emotionally clueless? Probably, judging from the way you describe him, that is the way he happens to be. Does not mean that all men are like him, though.
3) No need to blame yourself for having tried to change him. It is only quite normal and natural, especially if some of those things are really important for you. And it is normal to want somebody who is punctual, environmentally-minded and interested in a healthy lifestyle. These are your values. And it is never wise to stifle your values just because you want a tick in the “relationship” box.
4) You evidently wanted simple love and affection. Walrus could not give it. This was not your fault at all – more like, he himself has A LOT of issues that needed fixing and attending to, before he can embark on a normal relationship where there is some give as well as take. The only thing you may have made a mistake about here is to hope to get something (affection or love) from someone who did not have it in them.
5) Being good to him – you may feel like he slighted you and didn’t respond, but there is a certain little truth out there that whenever you do someone a favour and they do not show any gratitude whatsoever, this goes on to a “ledger” for you in the future as good karma. I wouldn’t have written this, if I had not experienced this personally. Call this God, or Karma, or divine justice, or Eru Iluvatar, but it works.
6) Your fears about being unloveable – quite groundless, probably some work on self-confidence is needed here to sort it out forever.
7) He left because you did not give in to him sexually – thank goodness you did not! You are worth so much more than having to accommodate every request from some deeply flawed individual, no matter how uncomfortable.
8) You being afraid of if somebody is still going to like you if they find out all the things you list – believe me, a right person will. And will love you all the more for it. As for a box-ticker who needs a Barbie doll with an own castle for him to move to and a CEO job just so that he himself does not need to go out to work – well, he is probably already latching firmly onto this Barbie already – and all I can say is that it will work out badly for both of them in the end.
9) As for never having been special to anyone – let me tell you one secret: a good place to start is to make YOURSELF special to you. If you are your own best friend and confidante, everything else will eventually follow.
Good luck with OK Cupid Guy!
Savo 'lass a lalaith! Wishing you happiness!
Elf
"...let me tell you one secret: a good place to start is to make YOURSELF special to you."
DeleteTruer words have never been spoken. :-)
Lots of comments on this, thanks everyone.
ReplyDeleteYes I am mixed up on this. I know he wasn't the guy for me, but I'm still beating myself up that I wasn't the girl for him. I've actually called the man 'undate-able' and yet I've cried my heart out over him.
@CelticMuse --"did not give in to him sexually?" I wanted to have sex! I was having trouble with it and he was really understanding and sweet, but not good at communicating what he needed or asking what I needed. Eventually he seemed to lose interest in initiating anything.