Everybody weighs in

The drama continues...and everybody is giving me their advice.  I did ask for it, but now I'm confused and stalling.
His mother wrote to me this morning asking me to give him another chance.  She said Walrus' dad used to drink and they fought about it but now he doesn't and they've been married for 40 years.
I cried.

Then Walrus texted me with the usual 'good morning, dear' and I had to explain that we were in a crisis situation.  He said, "for a crisis, you've said precious little about it."
He didn't understand why I was upset, which should be infuriating to me but is strangely not.
So I went through the whole series of events with him and told him what I felt at each moment.
He came back with "I just needed to get away and have fun and be myself. You're always telling me what to do.  Don't do this!  Don't do that!  Do you realize how demoralizing it is?"

(On the night of The Incident, my sister asked me what I did to him.  She said it takes two to tango, and I bring something to this conflict.  She said it doesn't make the other person right, necessarily, but they will have a complaint of their own that's making them react badly.  I said, "I'm critical"  She said, "Well, there you go.")

So there you go.  I knew what was making him act that way, deep inside. He said you can't change somebody with "don'ts" and it made him feel like he was an oaf, a burden, and that he could not be what I wanted.

At that point I did say 'then this isn't working'  (and by 'say', I mean text)  but it somehow got lost in the conversation.  I asked why he hadn't said anything earlier.  We had talked about this once before, and I said please tell me if I'm being critical.  (And why that lets me off the hook, I don't know.)

I know I'm self-righteous and judgmental.  If you read the blog you know I'm not shy about telling other people how they should live.  And as painful as it is to recall, my former best friend told me I made her feel bad about her music choices and other unimportant things like that.

So, I am learning about myself.   It's not fun.

I said, "I wanted to talk to you about things this weekend.  As it turns out, I guess neither of us were happy.  Have you noticed we're not kissing as much, not saying good night to each other?"   Then he asked why I was unhappy and I explained about how he hasn't been trying as hard to stay positive and push himself, and then we had a long conversation about that.  He revealed how hopeless he's been feeling about not having a place to live.  It really hit me how much he's been slipping into this dark frame of mind.
I think he needed to hear it too, and I think, I hope, it gave him a bit of a jolt.  At that moment, he phoned a co-op housing place he's been interested in.  Awkward timing, but a positive step nonetheless.

We decided to end the conversation at that point.  I said maybe we should stay apart for a few days.  He said maybe.
Yes I know, that's not breaking up with him.  Maybe I'm just stalling.  We've already said we both were hurting so maybe that's all we need to know.
His mother asked me not to give up on him.
People are complicated and fragile.  He did a stupid thing, but getting drunk is not that big a deal in the big scheme of things.  It is upsetting to me, but that's because I'm a goody-goody.  Women forgive husbands who cheat, and find a way to love them again.
I'm not decided either way.  It's hard to change, and it's hard to feel like you've failed at something.  But if it isn't going to work, no point dragging it out.  Everyone feels like they leave a relationship much later than they should have.

Here's some advice I've been given:
"Talking it out can do a lot"
"Different lifestyles are never going to mesh"
"You've got to concentrate on the positive in a relationship and ride out the bumps"
"Both partners have to be working towards a common goal"
"You can save some people, not all.  It takes a lot out of you"
"He's just trying to be normal"

I've been advised to end it, and to work it out.  My sister actually said wise things while staying neutral- who knew?

At the moment, I've proposed to Walrus a few days' break from each other, and then a face-to-face hash out to decide what to do.  I am waiting to hear back.
I wrote to his mother to say that we had talked it out and were deciding what to do.  I wrote to his neuro-psychiatrist to say we had had a fight and that I was concerned about his mood.  She wrote back to thank me for letting her know, that she would assess his mood this week and that she could send me some info on depression and meet with me if I wanted.
And then, being a busybody with a guilty conscience, I wrote to two of his friends and asked if they'd make an effort to contact Walrus this week.  One I told about the fight, one I didn't.

Meanwhile, I'm tired and cry easily.