Purgatory

Walrus responded to my request for time apart with one sentence: 'well, if that's what you want.'
Then he changed his facebook status from 'in a relationship' to 'single'
I wrote to say I didn't consider us over until we talked face to face.  He didn't answer.
I can't tell if he was just being sulky, or mentally preparing himself for a breakup, or asking for attention, or if he provoked a fight to get me to break up with him.

The male brain works very differently than the female's, it seems.  Several women have told me their men will take off to do something fun without thinking.
I couldn't believe Walrus didn't understand how upset I was when I left crying, but my sister laughed wryly.  "They don't understand stuff like that.  You have to say it clearly."
When I'm upset, I am withdrawn. I might cry but try to hide it from him to see if he notices.  I think I wanted him to dig for the problem, which is exactly what I do if someone is acting strange.  Men seem to blame hormones or general female complicatedness and ignore our craziness until confronted with a concrete problem.  (I don't like generalizations like this, but they seem to be applicable.)

Anyways.  His mother has written twice.  I stopped answering.  Went to visit the sister-in-law yesterday and we took the baby to the park- the one where Walrus and I first made out.  I didn't do well- felt physically exhausted and couldn't concentrate.

Walrus sees his neuro-psychiatrist today and I have high hopes that he can sort things out by talking to her.  The number one thing is that he deals with his depression, if that is indeed what it is.  The booklet she sent me on depression was very helpful and I could see how some of my actions had probably hurt instead of helped.  It was starting to feel like laziness on his part, even though I was still calling it 'fatigue' and was patient with it for a long time.  I became a nag, a nurse, and guilty of 'overcaring.' Maybe I'll do a post on her tips on supporting someone with depression, since most of us will experience depression or know someone who has it.  My mom has some form of it, I believe.  If we had the skills to support them, it might do someone somewhere some good.

My sister, once again, said some wise things yesterday.  Who knew?
She said it's all emotional responses.  That's how we react first.  When Walrus was missing, I wanted to break up with him.  That was an emotional response to protect myself from getting hurt again.
When Walrus told me his side of things, I felt guilty, and wanted to get back together to make it up to him, and to feel better about myself.  Now that he's essentially broken up with me, I want another chance.
She also pointed out that my nagging him about not drinking and eating right was a way to protect myself from the possibility of him having another stroke, and she thinks he needs to hear that.
The best thing, she thought, is time for both of us to think.  We will know if we feel better or worse being apart.
So, I did the right thing in asking for time.  Hopefully he is doing some thinking too and we can decide mutually what to do.  I am thinking about him a lot and really want him to succeed in his recovery.