For the last few days I have been waking up around four in the morning and crying. I just lie there and go over Walrus' many faults and compare our relationship to the imaginary relationship I think I should be having. (Blame Hollywood movies?) One day I couldn't get back to sleep and got up and googled 'time to end a relationship.' I read a bunch of advice columns on this subject. When you're not happy, when you're not getting something out of it, when one partner avoids the other, when you're critical of the other person.
At the moment, some of those apply.
We're housesitting at his parents' right now. It might make or break us.
Yesterday left me disappointed. It was pouring rain and we had no car so we stayed in from 3pm onward. And we watched 6 hours of TV. No conversation, no breathlessly ripping off each other's clothes...not that I expected that to happen but we're alone without my dog barking at us-- I kinda want to be kissed.
At 4:45pm Walrus poured himself a juice and I caught him adding gin to it. I had considered hiding the booze as I got here before he did, but thought that would be overkill. But is it not obvious that you don't drink people's liquor when housesitting for them? I voiced my displeasure loudly.
Walrus did cook dinner, so points for that. We had some conversation at dinner. His family are champion small-talkers and state the obvious six different ways. So I guess I shouldn't blame him for replying to "We'll have leftovers for lunch" with "Oh yes, we can microwave it and it should turn out nicely"
Is it an introvert thing or is it just me? I hate small talk. If we're not talking about our deepest fears and dreams, or the meaning of life, or about how to change the world, we're wasting our breath if you ask me.
I had to ask him to sit on the same couch with me and cuddle while we watched TV, and he did let me pick the next show, and for a while that was quite cozy. At 9pm, I'd had enough of TV. He said, 'What do you want to do instead?' 'Can't you just talk to me?' He put on another TV show. Ten minutes later I said I was going to read in bed. To his credit, he turned off the TV and came upstairs. Except he went straight to sleep, and since it wasn't even 10pm and there wasn't a nightlight, I couldn't read and just lay there. And cried silently. We weren't even spooning, I bemoaned. I turned onto my side, away from him and felt him put his arm around me. So I felt silly. But I still cried a bit, in his arms. He asked if I was okay, I don't think he knew I was crying but he felt the stiffness in my body. I said I was fine and we went to sleep.
It has occurred to me that I am not happy with being jobless, with the situation with my family, with how I'm spending my time (not doing things that are important to me.) I don't want to blame him for that.
There's some quote about that- something like "faults you find in other people only tell you about yourself."
Maybe the problem is just that he seems disinterested in sex. That's actually a big problem. It feels terrible. But he is struggling with fatigue and we are sleeping in his parents' bed, which is weird.
When it comes to food and drink, he doesn't seem to be able to control himself, and that grosses me out. That's probably not a good sign. It makes me lose respect for him, and I don't see it as a desirable trait in a life partner. I was a sugar junkie myself and gave up sweets and white bread a few years ago. It actually made me feel a lot more energetic, but I've started to slip again so that explains why I have such a problem with the way he eats.
He's sleeping now as I write this. Oh dear. What will this weekend bring?
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