Foul Mood

I think you might even be able to see a dark cloud swirling above my head right now.  With occasional flashes of lightning.

I had a sort of a talk with Walrus yesterday -provoked by anger and nothing accomplished.  I didn't say what I wanted to say, and I didn't say it in the way I wanted to say it, either.

I was to accompany him to the local pool.  A therapist was going to meet us there and show him some exercises he could do in the water.
He was texting me all morning.  I suggested he eat early so he could swim safely.  I was asking him if he had flip flops, a towel, what time we wanted to leave, and updated him as I traveled the 45 minutes by bus to his place.  I asked 'Are you ready-ish?' and he said yes.  When I got there he was playing on the computer, wasn't even dressed, and we were supposed to leave in 10 minutes.
I was pissed.  It was almost 1:30 in the afternoon.  I said 'you're wasting my time' and lay on his bed with my head back, staring at the ceiling.
He got dressed and started packing.  He pulled his toiletries case out of his backpack.  He'd stayed at my house on the weekend, so that means his toothbrush wasn't used at all on Monday.  Gross!
I said 'Brush your teeth'.  He said 'there's no time.'
He left the room and I followed.  I walked with him to the bus stop in silence.  I kept thinking I should turn around.  He tried to kiss me and I turned away.
We got off the bus and he asked something oblivious like 'Are you okay?' and I said I was angry that I arrived and he wasn't dressed when he said he was ready.

 'Readyish, I said.  I was awake and out of bed.  That's readyish.'

I said, "look, remember when I said (last Friday) that I was getting tired?  This is what I mean.  I need you to be on top of this stuff.  I was trying to prod you from afar to get going.'


 We walked in silence for a bit.  He made comments about nice houses and gardens we passed.  Then I said, 'Can I have a response, please?'

"A response to what?"

"To what!  The thing I'm upset about."

"I understand."

"What?"

"I understand now what you're upset about.  Before you weren't very clear."

This is a very unsatisfying response when you're angry, believe me.
However, we had arrived at the pool and so we went in.  The session went really well, and I was glad I'd come.  Seeing him struggle with some simple movements just breaks my heart.  He tried really hard.

After swimming he was very tired and we went back to the group home.  He apologized for not being ready.
"Guess I'm not as fast as I think I am"  (No kidding!)  I said it was the not brushing his teeth that really made me freak out.


Today I texted him and he still wasn't dressed at 12:30 and he had to leave at 1:30.  I just dropped the subject.  I think I'm going to ask him to commit to getting dressed by noon every day.  I want a boyfriend who gets dressed by noon.  And brushes his fucking teeth.
I don't know what's going on.  He was doing so much better.
Things have to change.  If he can't do these things, he's not ready for a girlfriend.  It's not like we'd been together for years.  Somebody else should have been here for him, and she chose to flake out.

I didn't see Walrus today.  I 'need space'.  I'm not feeling well, and I babysat the nephew all day.  It was sort of mutually agreed but unsaid that no plans would be made tonight.

My mother got the news that the court ruled my dad has to pay her for three more years!  Hooray!

I got the news, by letter, that I did not get the job I applied for.  I am pretty sad about it.   Got pretty short-tempered with the baby nephew after I read it, and have been near tears every since.  Maybe I just need a good cry tonight.

Trying to think of what I can do for a job.  I need to get more aggressive in my search, but am also thinking about creating my own opportunities as an artist, volunteering, or *sigh* more school.  (online courses in non-profit management).