Grumblings

Didn't see my dad this Father's Day.  Still not speaking to him.

Walrus was charming last week.  This week he's pissing me off.

I bought Walrus' dad some nice chocolates for Father's Day and they were offered around after dinner.  Walrus helped himself to three!  Since they were my present to his father,I told him to stop eating them, and later he had two more.  That's so rude!  And he totally ignored my wishes.
His parents just laughed.  His dad even slipped him the one he (the dad) had identified as his favourite!
That's how you spoil your kids, folks.  Neither Walrus nor his sister have any impulse control.

His family does not share my concern for the environment.  They drive around in an SUV.  Every weekend they go to Starbucks for coffee and treats, and even the dog gets a disposable plastic cup of water and coffee! They love big box stores and shopping is their only hobby.

They say relationships work better if you like his family.  It certainly highlights his faults, seeing how he acts with those he's most familiar with.

(And, to be fair, observing this has made me reflect on how I can better treat my mom, who is really good to me. Why are we on our worst behaviour with the people we love the most?)

So anyways.  It's back to me doubting my relationship with Walrus.  I'm getting tired.  I have his schedule and my schedule in my head, and I'm always checking (via text message) if he's eaten, taken his pills, leaving for his appointments.   He hasn't a good sense of time and he's kept me waiting for an hour several times when we were supposed to meet somewhere in the city.

If I can have good conversations with him, or cuddles, I feel like I'm getting something out of it.  But lately the rewards haven't matched the effort.

On Friday night, frustrated that he didn't eat the dinner I cooked him, I tried to talk to him, but it was hard to tell him what the real problem was without feeling like I was 'attacking' him.  He had a stroke.  If he could remember to do everything at the right time, he would.  But I can't bail him out all the time, and it's more than just the stroke.  He's getting complacent, getting used to people doing things for him, not pushing himself as hard, and figures he deserves some fun, some treats.  I've noticed that people who tell themselves they deserve a treat will often ignore the negative consequences to themselves and others.  He 'deserves' to eat six of his dad's chocolates, does he?

I don't know how to talk to him.  I need him to step up; I need to feel he's doing his best.  I could put up with a lot, if I felt he was trying his best.

My mom was going out on Saturday afternoon and I schemed to get Walrus away from a family commitment so we could be alone.  Finally, a rare few hours alone so we could try out the toy together!  This is something that only happens maybe once a month.  We went to bed, he started kissing me, then he rolled over and went to sleep.  I lay there, disappointed, and cried.  Then I got up and got dressed and left the room so my dog (on the other side of the bedroom door) would stop howling and Walrus could sleep.

There's no use trying to be 'intimate' if he's falling asleep mid-kiss, but I was crushed.  I felt rejected.  I need help with this sex thing.  He knew the afternoon was bookmarked for 'us time'.  I can't get mad at him because it's not really his fault, but I have to get something out of this relationship too.

Next week I'm housesitting for his parents.  First night alone ever, and it will be in his parent's bed.

We went to a wedding for his cousin.  I think it made him more sure of 'us' and our future together, and me less.

Always, this longing in the back of my mind for something better.  What would it be like?  To really look up to my partner, to really feel head-over-heels, and excited about a future together.
Walrus has described himself as 'damaged goods' and I don't want to think of him that way.  What does 'something better' mean?  I don't believe in dumping people in hard times; don't believe that my happiness comes from avoiding others' unhappiness.  But you can't let people drag you down either, and I don't know where that balance point is.  This is a running theme in my philosophical musings...My best friend got rid of me when I was depressed, and usually I think she was flaky to do so, but maybe I really was being more helpless than I really was.  I don't know.  I really don't.

Sometimes, sometimes, I think about Walrus and I together, and there's a certain amount of comfort in feeling like you've found someone to make those plans with...it's all warm and squishy.  But I have such doubts.
The ups and downs!  I had no idea.