Blargleflitzbuster!!!!

I just got home from a conference on the environment and was going to write all about it but my mom just told me my brother and his wife are expecting again.  Three children, in 2.5 years.  His wife is only 22.

Yeah, I'm not greeting the news with joy.  They are already struggling with two.

And I've just come from a conference and heard two days of lectures about how screwed the Earth is.  What kind of future is ahead of this generation?

Plus my brother and his wife pick weird names for their kids.

Sorry.  I am cynical.  The two-day conference was depressing, and then this news.

For those of you who aren't up to date on the blog, I am a bit of a doom-and-gloomer about the future of this planet.  At the very least, I think 7 billion is an excessive amount of humans, and we should try to stabilize the population.  I don't really talk about it, other than here on the anonymous blog, but I'm beginning to think one child is lots.  Maybe two.
And to get to the personal level, I am heart-broken that I feel like that about my own species, and that I do not greet newcomers to the Earth as the small miracles they are.  (Not quite true- I am totally won over by babies when I see them, but the news of their arrival I take rather badly.)  I try not to think about having kids, there's a good chance that's not a possibility for my body, never mind my lack of a sex life, but I admit I do sometimes feel the 'clock' ticking.  It's an emotional subject for me personally, and when I mix in everything I've heard and read about the challenges (possibly crises) ahead of us, as we are faced with dwindling resources on a polluted planet...it gets pretty muddled.

I suppose I could be using the environmental concerns to somehow not deal with the personal threat of my own possible infertility but I am trying to be honest with myself about all the things that get mixed up in my response to any pregnancy announcement.

Here are the weekly news items:
Allergic reaction of red spots have spread onto my face and arms.  This is the worst attack of these spots I have ever had.  The doctor said there was nothing to do for the rash or the cough.

I have an important job interview next week.  Please let the spots subside.

I was going to talk about my attempts at being stylish,so here's the summary.  Good week to start wearing a scarf: hides spots.  I remembered I hate things touching my neck.  Bought some Hush Puppies black flats.  Looked at costume jewelry but decided I didn't want to decorate myself in plastic, but can't afford better stuff.  Had major freak out that I didn't, in fact, want to participate in consumer culture and subdue my identity in order to fit in the trend of the moment.  Hypocritically, am coveting some really nice leather boots.

I tried to talk to some people at the environmental conference.  I sketched the other attendees instead of taking notes and sometimes people noticed and talked to me about the drawings.  Got a few email addresses for networking.  (Why didn't I bring business cards?)

For the sake of something to do, I developed a crush on a young economist with big hands who looked somewhat like Jerry Seinfield.  I never talked to him.  I was going to at the reception, but got cornered by this woman who I'd met before and was trying to avoid.  She talks in a sad monotone and doesn't blink and doesn't shut up- told me all about her cats' death (plural) coming after her mother's death, and went on and on about near-death experiences and psychics and consciousness not being in the brain....
After I got free of her, I had no will to live.  Ha!  I was, however, struck by a great horror of turning out like that.  She's a 'joiner', goes to anything and everything, and is probably intensely lonely.  NOTE TO SELF:  Do not talk to complete strangers about cats, death, mysticism, childhood traumas, etc.

The man with big hands was so dorky with his white t-shirt tucked into his high-waisted jeans.  But he knew everybody and was clearly very popular and involved in several organizations.  Maybe that's what appealed... I tried to imagine... um...intimate moments....sweetly awkward... (blush)

In June I will have been single for a year.  Will I find somebody before then? I don't need to make it a race but a whole year with not even a kiss.  And it has been a year and a half since I lost my virginity, and I still haven't had successful sex, don't even remember the last time it was attempted.
My worst fear is that my love life started and ended with my brief time with Walrus.  Meeting someone, getting past the first few dates, him liking me and I liking him, and trusting him enough to tell him about the sex issues, and him actually being willing to work through that with me..it all seems so impossible.
Okay now I'm just working myself up into a state.  I am driving myself crazy.