1. Got another job interview next week. Wish me luck.
2. Walrus' ex is now dating again. (Why did I decide to facebook-stalk? Why doesn't she have privacy settings on her page? I'm not going to be the one to tell him.)
3. Walrus is feeling really frustrated with his lack of independence, and tried to talk to me about it last night but I said the wrong things and he was rude to me. He expressed a wish for a 'night of fun' and not having the group-home staff phoning to check on him. I got a bit weird because 'a night of fun' sounded like something I wouldn't like--something involving drinking.
Also, I felt like he was saying I wasn't fun. My best friend always says everyone has their 'buttons'- things that they're sensitive about, and often irrational. For me, not being a drinker has felt like a social handicap since I was a teenager.... Anyways, his night of fun meant just a backyard BBQ with a bottle of beer. The more important part was that he doesn't feel free to come and go as he likes. We talked it out and it's fine now.
4. I bought a toy. You know, a toy. Dragged Walrus down to the shop with me. It's a Lelo LIV. It was not cheap! I had already looked online because I knew I'd be flustered or overwhelmed in the store if I didn't prep myself. I just needed to see how big they looked in real life.
4a. On the way home, I asked Walrus when we were going to try it out and he didn't answer.
4b. Later that night it was bothering me and so I started a texting conversation. I opened with, 'So, how's your sex drive these days?' We actually had a good conversation, even if it was typed. I got to say that I was frustrated and feeling lost and worried he was losing interest. He said he'd do whatever was necessary. He said I should have fun with the toy and figure out what my body wants and then I can teach him. He said all the right things really. I still feel like he's too tired to think about sex much these days though, and I really need him to initiate things sometimes. I didn't say that outright.
4c. Later later that night I tried the thing. It feels interesting, pleasant to very good, but I wasn't in ecstasy or anything. The experimentation will have to continue.
4d. I am weirded out that I own this object.
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Sunday, 27 May 2012
What people want in a partner
Found this today, my dear readers, and thought you might be amused. Are we getting shallower?
Source: http://generationwtf.com/quizzes/mate-preference/
Sorry about the green stripes. I don't know how to get rid of them.
Source: http://generationwtf.com/quizzes/mate-preference/
Sorry about the green stripes. I don't know how to get rid of them.
2008 Ranking by Men
- Mutual attraction and love
- Dependable character
- Emotional stability and maturity
- Education and intelligence
- Pleasing disposition
- Sociability
- Good health
- Good looks
- Desire for home and children
- Ambition and industriousness
- Refinement, neatness
- Good financial prospect
- Good cook and housekeeper
- Similar educational background
- Favorable social status or rating
- Similar religious background
- Similar political background
- Chastity
2008 Ranking by Women
- Mutual attraction and love
- Dependable character
- Emotional stability and maturity
- Desire for home and children
- Education and intelligence
- Sociability
- Pleasing disposition
- Ambition and industriousness
- Good health
- Good financial prospect
- Similar educational background
- Good looks
- Refinement, neatness
- Similar religious background
- Good cook and housekeeper
- Favorable social status or rating
- Similar political background
- Chastity
1939 Ranking by Men
- Dependable character
- Emotional stability and maturity
- Pleasing disposition
- Mutual attraction and love
- Good health
- Desire for home and children
- Refinement, neatness
- Good cook and housekeeper
- Ambition and industriousness
- Chastity
- Education and intelligence
- Sociability
- Similar religious background
- Good looks
- Similar educational background
- Favorable social status or rating
- Good financial prospect
- Similar political background
1939 Ranking by Women
- Emotional stability and maturity
- Dependable character
- Ambition and industriousness
- Pleasing disposition
- Mutual attraction and love
- Good health
- Desire for home and children
- Refinement, neatness
- Education and intelligence
- Chastity
- Sociability
- Similar educational background
- Good financial prospect
- Similar religious background
- Favorable social status or rating
- Good cook and housekeeper
- Good looks
- Similar political background
Pleasure vs. Enjoyment
This post is not about sex. (Over 4500 hits on this blog, and the posts about sex get about ten times as many views!)
I'm posting a lot lately. Maybe I'm at a crossroads or something. I'm not working, for one thing, and I'm wondering if I should stay with Walrus. Between him and the situation with my father, I'm thinking a lot these days about my values and what I want to do with my life. Sorry if these posts are boring.
(At some point I crossed a line blogging about Walrus that I wasn't going to. I might have to revisit this issue and decide what the boundaries are.)
Ok. The point. I'm getting to it.
In school, an instructor asked us was was enjoyable.
"Candy!"
"Napping!"
"Listening to music!"
Then he asked us about stress. Our suggestions were all relaxing activities.
Could stressful or painful activities be enjoyable?
"Of course not!"
"I'm a hiker," he said. "Favourite thing in the world. Nothing brings me greater joy. But I get tired, hungry, sunburnt, chased by bears...."
(Sorry for the cheesy writing. At the time it was like a little lightbulb going on in my head.)
He talked about the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a psychologist who wrote a book called Flow.
Humans are programmed for two things. One is to take care of our needs, eating and sleeping, and to conserve our valuable energy when we've met them. So we like to be comfortable, to relax, to eat, to watch TV. We're also programmed to try new things, to experiment and to take risks. If we kept to the same routine, we'd never learn, and our species would never have evolved. He calls the first instinct pleasure, and the second enjoyment.
Enjoyment comes from challenging ourselves to learn new skills or take a risk. It could be drawing, or running or even doing surgery! There's this moment when the challenges of the situation are just a tiny bit more demanding than your skills- and that's when you experience flow. If it was easier, you'd be bored, and if it was harder, you'd be overwhelmed. But when it takes everything you've got, you lose track of time, of everything around you and just focus on the challenge. That's why some people love their jobs, or devote their lives to their amateur pursuits.
Ever been caught up in a good book? It's that.
So, we're happier when we chose to do challenging activities than when we watch TV. Most of us know it, but we still chose the easy stuff when we're tired.
I've been trying to draw more. I know it makes me happy. But it's also painful to get back into it, and I put it off. In general, I try and challenge myself in different areas of life.
Walrus is a pleasure seeker. He likes to eat and drink. He's watching a lot of TV right now. I don't think he's happy and I've been trying to tell him he needs to challenge himself. He's not even reading right now. I don't know what he was like before the stroke. I think he used to do more, but drifted into taking the easy route. I don't know. He's really tired right now, so I don't blame him for turning off the TV, but he's bored.
(Aside: flow also seems to happen from putting your body on the line. Like driving dangerously. So don't do that.)
Anyways. I'm writing about this because I came across an article by Czik....Csiksi....oh whatever his name is, in a book I was reading about consumerism, and I felt like I needed to be reminded that pleasure only gets you so far. I want to challenge myself and see what I can do. Nobody on their death bed wishes they watched more TV.
I have the TV on right now. I hate being home alone.
On another tangent- I wonder if one could achieve dating flow. It's easier to recognize flow in a solitary task, but Csikwhatshisname says it can also happen when interacting with other people. But imagine being out with a new person and giving them all your attention and being not sure what they're going to do or say, but it seems to be going well. It's challenging and you're stressed but also excited....and alive.
Oh. Home alone nights are fun....
Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. What am I going to do?
I'm posting a lot lately. Maybe I'm at a crossroads or something. I'm not working, for one thing, and I'm wondering if I should stay with Walrus. Between him and the situation with my father, I'm thinking a lot these days about my values and what I want to do with my life. Sorry if these posts are boring.
(At some point I crossed a line blogging about Walrus that I wasn't going to. I might have to revisit this issue and decide what the boundaries are.)
Ok. The point. I'm getting to it.
In school, an instructor asked us was was enjoyable.
"Candy!"
"Napping!"
"Listening to music!"
Then he asked us about stress. Our suggestions were all relaxing activities.
Could stressful or painful activities be enjoyable?
"Of course not!"
"I'm a hiker," he said. "Favourite thing in the world. Nothing brings me greater joy. But I get tired, hungry, sunburnt, chased by bears...."
(Sorry for the cheesy writing. At the time it was like a little lightbulb going on in my head.)
He talked about the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a psychologist who wrote a book called Flow.
Humans are programmed for two things. One is to take care of our needs, eating and sleeping, and to conserve our valuable energy when we've met them. So we like to be comfortable, to relax, to eat, to watch TV. We're also programmed to try new things, to experiment and to take risks. If we kept to the same routine, we'd never learn, and our species would never have evolved. He calls the first instinct pleasure, and the second enjoyment.
Enjoyment comes from challenging ourselves to learn new skills or take a risk. It could be drawing, or running or even doing surgery! There's this moment when the challenges of the situation are just a tiny bit more demanding than your skills- and that's when you experience flow. If it was easier, you'd be bored, and if it was harder, you'd be overwhelmed. But when it takes everything you've got, you lose track of time, of everything around you and just focus on the challenge. That's why some people love their jobs, or devote their lives to their amateur pursuits.
Ever been caught up in a good book? It's that.
So, we're happier when we chose to do challenging activities than when we watch TV. Most of us know it, but we still chose the easy stuff when we're tired.
I've been trying to draw more. I know it makes me happy. But it's also painful to get back into it, and I put it off. In general, I try and challenge myself in different areas of life.
Walrus is a pleasure seeker. He likes to eat and drink. He's watching a lot of TV right now. I don't think he's happy and I've been trying to tell him he needs to challenge himself. He's not even reading right now. I don't know what he was like before the stroke. I think he used to do more, but drifted into taking the easy route. I don't know. He's really tired right now, so I don't blame him for turning off the TV, but he's bored.
(Aside: flow also seems to happen from putting your body on the line. Like driving dangerously. So don't do that.)
Anyways. I'm writing about this because I came across an article by Czik....Csiksi....oh whatever his name is, in a book I was reading about consumerism, and I felt like I needed to be reminded that pleasure only gets you so far. I want to challenge myself and see what I can do. Nobody on their death bed wishes they watched more TV.
I have the TV on right now. I hate being home alone.
On another tangent- I wonder if one could achieve dating flow. It's easier to recognize flow in a solitary task, but Csikwhatshisname says it can also happen when interacting with other people. But imagine being out with a new person and giving them all your attention and being not sure what they're going to do or say, but it seems to be going well. It's challenging and you're stressed but also excited....and alive.
Oh. Home alone nights are fun....
Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. What am I going to do?
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Afterthought
I just posted but---what if dating Walrus is some sort of moral project I've come up with for myself? I think that's almost how it started. I didn't want to reject him because of the stroke and now I'm in pretty deep.
What am I getting out of it?
At the moment, it feels like not as much as I'm putting in...but that's not the issue.
I've seen it discussed on the incel forums- should you date someone who's just okay so that you can get some experience? The consensus on the forum is a strong NO! I don't want to use Walrus like that, and if I was, can I justify it by all that I do for him?
It's hard to tell if we want to be together to be together or to be together because it's better than being alone.
Ugh. Can't process this....
Moral quandaries.
What am I getting out of it?
At the moment, it feels like not as much as I'm putting in...but that's not the issue.
I've seen it discussed on the incel forums- should you date someone who's just okay so that you can get some experience? The consensus on the forum is a strong NO! I don't want to use Walrus like that, and if I was, can I justify it by all that I do for him?
It's hard to tell if we want to be together to be together or to be together because it's better than being alone.
Ugh. Can't process this....
Moral quandaries.
Nice girls finish last
My mom and I were talking today about my father. She said he can't help the way he is. He doesn't know he's being unethical because he has no sense of right and wrong. She said he models himself on people he admires, and people who get ahead look out for themselves, any way they can. So he's sneaky, but he doesn't see it as such.
I don't know how you can claim to be broke and then go to Mexico and not see anything wrong with that, but apparently my father's mind works that way.
Then Mom and I started talking about people who get ahead in the workplace by being popular , looking busy, smoozing, or making other people look bad.
And I felt so frustrated and downhearted. It seems like good people get nothing but heartache for doing the right thing.
Think about it. Doing the wrong thing is usually instantly rewarding. Make it someone else's problem! Litter. Run red lights. Buy cheap goods made by child labour.
We're selfish and we're getting more selfish each generation.
If we were civilized we'd go out of our way to help each other.
I try to do the right thing. In fact, I might be overly moral. I can't just dislike something; I have to disapprove of it as well. It's can't be that I just personally don't like watching hockey (I live in Canada- hockey is everywhere), I have to be disgusted by all the money, hoopla, and energy that goes into a little piece of rubber sliding around on some ice.
Every product you want to buy, I've got a reason to boycott it.
Wanna go out for a drive? It pollutes. Want to see a movie? Hollywood movies are crass and lowbrow and the movie industry is ridiculously wasteful. It goes on and on like that. I'm really no fun. I'm extremely righteous and judgmental too.
I don't want to be like that. But I have high standards for myself and I meet so few people who demand the same of themselves.
Walrus, I suspect, is not quite meeting my standards. I am giving a great deal of leeway since he's had a stroke and is changing his life. He's very good about bus etiquette and being thoughtful- but on his bad days I've seen him take out his frustrations on others and I suspect he enjoys telling people off rudely just for the fun of it. (He calls this being honest. Thinks it shows integrity. I think diplomacy sometimes gets you further and doesn't compromise integrity.)
I'm someone who gets overlooked a lot and I've never understood what I'm doing wrong. I don't promote myself, and I won't hurt others to get ahead. I don't want others to clean up after me. I don't want cheap goods if someone else is paying the real cost.
Anyways, I'm not sure of the point of this rant, other than that I know this: I want to look up to my boyfriend/partner and feel sure that he is a good man.
I don't know how you can claim to be broke and then go to Mexico and not see anything wrong with that, but apparently my father's mind works that way.
Then Mom and I started talking about people who get ahead in the workplace by being popular , looking busy, smoozing, or making other people look bad.
And I felt so frustrated and downhearted. It seems like good people get nothing but heartache for doing the right thing.
Think about it. Doing the wrong thing is usually instantly rewarding. Make it someone else's problem! Litter. Run red lights. Buy cheap goods made by child labour.
We're selfish and we're getting more selfish each generation.
If we were civilized we'd go out of our way to help each other.
I try to do the right thing. In fact, I might be overly moral. I can't just dislike something; I have to disapprove of it as well. It's can't be that I just personally don't like watching hockey (I live in Canada- hockey is everywhere), I have to be disgusted by all the money, hoopla, and energy that goes into a little piece of rubber sliding around on some ice.
Every product you want to buy, I've got a reason to boycott it.
Wanna go out for a drive? It pollutes. Want to see a movie? Hollywood movies are crass and lowbrow and the movie industry is ridiculously wasteful. It goes on and on like that. I'm really no fun. I'm extremely righteous and judgmental too.
I don't want to be like that. But I have high standards for myself and I meet so few people who demand the same of themselves.
Walrus, I suspect, is not quite meeting my standards. I am giving a great deal of leeway since he's had a stroke and is changing his life. He's very good about bus etiquette and being thoughtful- but on his bad days I've seen him take out his frustrations on others and I suspect he enjoys telling people off rudely just for the fun of it. (He calls this being honest. Thinks it shows integrity. I think diplomacy sometimes gets you further and doesn't compromise integrity.)
I'm someone who gets overlooked a lot and I've never understood what I'm doing wrong. I don't promote myself, and I won't hurt others to get ahead. I don't want others to clean up after me. I don't want cheap goods if someone else is paying the real cost.
Anyways, I'm not sure of the point of this rant, other than that I know this: I want to look up to my boyfriend/partner and feel sure that he is a good man.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Meaningful 2
Walrus' parents took him shopping today. They must have gone to every big box store you can name. Now he's exhausted and I'm grumpy since I don't get to see him. Why do they think he needs to come on these errands?
Anyways, since I'm on my own tonight, I'm going to get philosophical.
I had to research a 'leader' for school and I chose Viktor Frankl. If you've read '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' you'll know who he is. He was a brain surgeon in Vienna before he was sent to a concentration camp in 1942. He spent the next four years in concentration camps. He worked as a doctor in the camps, and organized a suicide watch to keep an eye on fellow prisoners. He developed a new theory on human behavior and wrote a manuscript about it on scraps of paper. He gave lectures on his new theory to imaginary audiences. Basically, he decided that even in the most terrible circumstances, no one could control his thoughts, or take away his ability to choose his response. There's some line in 7HHEP about the prisoners being more free than the guards...
I should explain that I was getting fed up with everybody telling me to be positive all the time (My former best friend told me I was too negative and ended our friendship. At the time I had bronchitis and was preparing a slideshow for the memorial service for a friend. This is a subject I take very personally) I think our culture believes in positive thinking to the point where sad people get blamed for being sad, for being weak...
We're not allowed to be sad, ever. Maybe for grieving, for a little while.
Here's the video about it, says it better than I can.
http://vimeo.com/13676989
Sometimes you're sad because life sucks. That simple.
I think for me, positive thinking didn't work, because I couldn't wish my problems away, but putting myself in charge did. I could recognize that I was in a bad situation, and decide how I was going to react.
I repeat, I put my self in charge of my own life. Took me so long to figure that one out, and I sometimes need to remind myself.
Funny thing, my mom's said it to me my whole life: "You can't control others' behavior. You can only control yourself."
So, Viktor Frankl. I read his book Man's Search for Meaning and it had quite an impact on me. I recommend it, but here's the short version:
He was also a psychiatrist, and his theory is that people aren't unhappy because of repressed childhood traumas or whatever Freud's thing is, but because they don't have meaning in their life RIGHT NOW.
1. Creating a work or
doing a deed.
2. Experiencing something [nature, culture]
So simple. People want to work, to love somebody and to appreciate beauty. Some people focus on just one, some people need all of those.
And then there's number three, and this is where a lot of self-help books don't go. If you have to suffer, do it with as much courage and dignity as you can. If you can find a reason to go on living, you probably understand more about life than any of us. Look at my friend George with his brain tumour.
We're all going to die, or lose somebody close to us. We're all going to suffer.
And I needed to hear that sometimes things are going to suck, and if happiness seems far away, that doesn't mean life is pointless.
I am not saying that if you've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend), then you should suffer in quiet dignity. I don't think that at all. (Nor am I comparing it to being in a concentration camp....)
I was depressed a few years ago. I went to counselling. It cost a lot of money and I'm not sure she told me anything new, but I really just needed someone to talk to. Maybe I'll write another post on what we talked about.
I cried so many tears about my lack of romance- the worst kind of wretched hopeless crying. I was convinced there was something wrong with me but I couldn't see what it was. So that only made it worse- I seemed nice enough to myself, but obviously everybody else saw something different, something flawed and I would never be able to work on changing myself because I didn't know what the problem was.... It broke my heart. More than just being alone. I started to doubt myself, dislike myself.
Maybe I shouldn't give advice. But I think it's okay to be sad about it. I'm still sad for the things I've missed out on, the fun I could have had, and the mistakes I should have made already....
I think all you can do is make sure you have meaning in your life, work on making your life the way you want, find a cause you believe in and advocate for it....
Meanwhile, you are still going to be sad, but I think you can put limits on it. Did you ever feel jealous of happy couples? I have, and I don't want to begrudge other people their happiness.
I don't think you should keep your sadness to yourself all the time so as not to burden people; I think you should take care of yourself and talk about it to a sympathetic ear if you have someone you trust. Or blog it to the world!
Anyways, I'll get off my high horse now. Date stroke patients! Barrel of laughs!
If you're depressed you should seek help. I don't regret going to counselling- it helped me a lot. But I had to fight depression myself; she just coached me through it. Once you decide to be in control of your emotions, set goals, take chances...you're on your way out of it.
Anyways, since I'm on my own tonight, I'm going to get philosophical.
I had to research a 'leader' for school and I chose Viktor Frankl. If you've read '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' you'll know who he is. He was a brain surgeon in Vienna before he was sent to a concentration camp in 1942. He spent the next four years in concentration camps. He worked as a doctor in the camps, and organized a suicide watch to keep an eye on fellow prisoners. He developed a new theory on human behavior and wrote a manuscript about it on scraps of paper. He gave lectures on his new theory to imaginary audiences. Basically, he decided that even in the most terrible circumstances, no one could control his thoughts, or take away his ability to choose his response. There's some line in 7HHEP about the prisoners being more free than the guards...
I should explain that I was getting fed up with everybody telling me to be positive all the time (My former best friend told me I was too negative and ended our friendship. At the time I had bronchitis and was preparing a slideshow for the memorial service for a friend. This is a subject I take very personally) I think our culture believes in positive thinking to the point where sad people get blamed for being sad, for being weak...
We're not allowed to be sad, ever. Maybe for grieving, for a little while.
Here's the video about it, says it better than I can.
http://vimeo.com/13676989
Sometimes you're sad because life sucks. That simple.
I think for me, positive thinking didn't work, because I couldn't wish my problems away, but putting myself in charge did. I could recognize that I was in a bad situation, and decide how I was going to react.
I repeat, I put my self in charge of my own life. Took me so long to figure that one out, and I sometimes need to remind myself.
Funny thing, my mom's said it to me my whole life: "You can't control others' behavior. You can only control yourself."
So, Viktor Frankl. I read his book Man's Search for Meaning and it had quite an impact on me. I recommend it, but here's the short version:
He was also a psychiatrist, and his theory is that people aren't unhappy because of repressed childhood traumas or whatever Freud's thing is, but because they don't have meaning in their life RIGHT NOW.
Viktor Frankl’s Guide to Finding Meaning in Life
2. Experiencing something [nature, culture]
or
encountering someone [love]
3. By the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering
So simple. People want to work, to love somebody and to appreciate beauty. Some people focus on just one, some people need all of those.
And then there's number three, and this is where a lot of self-help books don't go. If you have to suffer, do it with as much courage and dignity as you can. If you can find a reason to go on living, you probably understand more about life than any of us. Look at my friend George with his brain tumour.
We're all going to die, or lose somebody close to us. We're all going to suffer.
And I needed to hear that sometimes things are going to suck, and if happiness seems far away, that doesn't mean life is pointless.
I am not saying that if you've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend), then you should suffer in quiet dignity. I don't think that at all. (Nor am I comparing it to being in a concentration camp....)
I was depressed a few years ago. I went to counselling. It cost a lot of money and I'm not sure she told me anything new, but I really just needed someone to talk to. Maybe I'll write another post on what we talked about.
I cried so many tears about my lack of romance- the worst kind of wretched hopeless crying. I was convinced there was something wrong with me but I couldn't see what it was. So that only made it worse- I seemed nice enough to myself, but obviously everybody else saw something different, something flawed and I would never be able to work on changing myself because I didn't know what the problem was.... It broke my heart. More than just being alone. I started to doubt myself, dislike myself.
Maybe I shouldn't give advice. But I think it's okay to be sad about it. I'm still sad for the things I've missed out on, the fun I could have had, and the mistakes I should have made already....
I think all you can do is make sure you have meaning in your life, work on making your life the way you want, find a cause you believe in and advocate for it....
Meanwhile, you are still going to be sad, but I think you can put limits on it. Did you ever feel jealous of happy couples? I have, and I don't want to begrudge other people their happiness.
I don't think you should keep your sadness to yourself all the time so as not to burden people; I think you should take care of yourself and talk about it to a sympathetic ear if you have someone you trust. Or blog it to the world!
Anyways, I'll get off my high horse now. Date stroke patients! Barrel of laughs!
If you're depressed you should seek help. I don't regret going to counselling- it helped me a lot. But I had to fight depression myself; she just coached me through it. Once you decide to be in control of your emotions, set goals, take chances...you're on your way out of it.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Meaningful
Walrus and I are in a community choir- it's amazing, we love it, and the people are quirky and kind...
At the last practice, we were invited to go grab a bite by another choir member, George. George has been living with an inoperable brain tumour for the last ten years. We hesitated to accept the invite, simply because we're so tight on money, but I felt like it was important to say yes. George talked about how the brain tumour has affected his movement, his balance. He has occasional seizures. His hand is starting to be paralyzed. The tumour can't be removed without damaging his ability to control his movement. He spoke of how hard it was to live on the disability pension the government provide. He previously had a very successful career and owned his own place, and was still struggling, dwindling away his savings.
Walrus told his story, the day of the stroke, how his life has changed...He said he was used to a comfortable income and that the (spending) habits of that lifestyle are hard to change, but he's trying. ( It softened me up, hearing him say that.)
Walrus looked at the drinks menu just for fun, and commented on what looked good, and George was shocked he was still drinking. Then George told us that around five years ago he was drinking very heavily while undergoing chemotherapy. He's now given it up completely and is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He's really changed his whole life- gave up smoking too, and does yoga and tai chi and volunteers and is in choir. He seeks out positive experiences, and tries to connect with people.
I was really affected by this talk. It was always at the back of my mind- brain tumours don't get better. Walrus' stroke was sudden, and changed his life, but he can recover and rebuild. George has been in a slow, slow decline, and he didn't explicitly say it, but I think it will only get worse for him.
I don't think all of this sunk in for the Walrus. I hope he saw how George was able to stay positive. The stroke is always present in his life and our relationship, but I think Walrus needs to move beyond feeling sorry for himself.
He's been feeling really frustrated with the group home lately, wants to be on his own, living his life his way. I understand that, but it's only a few more months, and he could be practicing the habits and skills he'll need to live alone while he waits. He has a considerable amount of freedom now. Really he's just frustrated with the stroke.
I tried to talk to him about meaningful activities. In school we had a very philosophical teacher who had us think about the purpose of life, and challenges and pleasure vs true happiness...I'll probably go into it a little bit in another post, because I found it helpful.
I know very strongly where I find meaning: making my art, being with people I care about, and trying to help others/save the world.
I was trying to tell Walrus he should start his own projects, work on his writing, research a cause and advocate for it, volunteer.... He didn't really go for it. We had looked at some volunteer opportunities for him but he said he'd wait for clearance from his medical team but never asked them.
Last week he was advised by ...well I forget her exact title but she's a specialized psychiatrist for brain injuries, anyways, he was advised to volunteer for a cause he believes in, as it would help give direction to his life.
And he was all for it. It's exactly what I advised!!! Harrumph. But I'm really pleased. I think it will help.
At the last practice, we were invited to go grab a bite by another choir member, George. George has been living with an inoperable brain tumour for the last ten years. We hesitated to accept the invite, simply because we're so tight on money, but I felt like it was important to say yes. George talked about how the brain tumour has affected his movement, his balance. He has occasional seizures. His hand is starting to be paralyzed. The tumour can't be removed without damaging his ability to control his movement. He spoke of how hard it was to live on the disability pension the government provide. He previously had a very successful career and owned his own place, and was still struggling, dwindling away his savings.
Walrus told his story, the day of the stroke, how his life has changed...He said he was used to a comfortable income and that the (spending) habits of that lifestyle are hard to change, but he's trying. ( It softened me up, hearing him say that.)
Walrus looked at the drinks menu just for fun, and commented on what looked good, and George was shocked he was still drinking. Then George told us that around five years ago he was drinking very heavily while undergoing chemotherapy. He's now given it up completely and is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He's really changed his whole life- gave up smoking too, and does yoga and tai chi and volunteers and is in choir. He seeks out positive experiences, and tries to connect with people.
I was really affected by this talk. It was always at the back of my mind- brain tumours don't get better. Walrus' stroke was sudden, and changed his life, but he can recover and rebuild. George has been in a slow, slow decline, and he didn't explicitly say it, but I think it will only get worse for him.
I don't think all of this sunk in for the Walrus. I hope he saw how George was able to stay positive. The stroke is always present in his life and our relationship, but I think Walrus needs to move beyond feeling sorry for himself.
He's been feeling really frustrated with the group home lately, wants to be on his own, living his life his way. I understand that, but it's only a few more months, and he could be practicing the habits and skills he'll need to live alone while he waits. He has a considerable amount of freedom now. Really he's just frustrated with the stroke.
I tried to talk to him about meaningful activities. In school we had a very philosophical teacher who had us think about the purpose of life, and challenges and pleasure vs true happiness...I'll probably go into it a little bit in another post, because I found it helpful.
I know very strongly where I find meaning: making my art, being with people I care about, and trying to help others/save the world.
I was trying to tell Walrus he should start his own projects, work on his writing, research a cause and advocate for it, volunteer.... He didn't really go for it. We had looked at some volunteer opportunities for him but he said he'd wait for clearance from his medical team but never asked them.
Last week he was advised by ...well I forget her exact title but she's a specialized psychiatrist for brain injuries, anyways, he was advised to volunteer for a cause he believes in, as it would help give direction to his life.
And he was all for it. It's exactly what I advised!!! Harrumph. But I'm really pleased. I think it will help.
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