Anyways, since I'm on my own tonight, I'm going to get philosophical.
I had to research a 'leader' for school and I chose Viktor Frankl. If you've read '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' you'll know who he is. He was a brain surgeon in Vienna before he was sent to a concentration camp in 1942. He spent the next four years in concentration camps. He worked as a doctor in the camps, and organized a suicide watch to keep an eye on fellow prisoners. He developed a new theory on human behavior and wrote a manuscript about it on scraps of paper. He gave lectures on his new theory to imaginary audiences. Basically, he decided that even in the most terrible circumstances, no one could control his thoughts, or take away his ability to choose his response. There's some line in 7HHEP about the prisoners being more free than the guards...
I should explain that I was getting fed up with everybody telling me to be positive all the time (My former best friend told me I was too negative and ended our friendship. At the time I had bronchitis and was preparing a slideshow for the memorial service for a friend. This is a subject I take very personally) I think our culture believes in positive thinking to the point where sad people get blamed for being sad, for being weak...
We're not allowed to be sad, ever. Maybe for grieving, for a little while.
Here's the video about it, says it better than I can.
http://vimeo.com/13676989
Sometimes you're sad because life sucks. That simple.
I think for me, positive thinking didn't work, because I couldn't wish my problems away, but putting myself in charge did. I could recognize that I was in a bad situation, and decide how I was going to react.
I repeat, I put my self in charge of my own life. Took me so long to figure that one out, and I sometimes need to remind myself.
Funny thing, my mom's said it to me my whole life: "You can't control others' behavior. You can only control yourself."
So, Viktor Frankl. I read his book Man's Search for Meaning and it had quite an impact on me. I recommend it, but here's the short version:
He was also a psychiatrist, and his theory is that people aren't unhappy because of repressed childhood traumas or whatever Freud's thing is, but because they don't have meaning in their life RIGHT NOW.
Viktor Frankl’s Guide to Finding Meaning in Life
2. Experiencing something [nature, culture]
or
encountering someone [love]
3. By the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering
So simple. People want to work, to love somebody and to appreciate beauty. Some people focus on just one, some people need all of those.
And then there's number three, and this is where a lot of self-help books don't go. If you have to suffer, do it with as much courage and dignity as you can. If you can find a reason to go on living, you probably understand more about life than any of us. Look at my friend George with his brain tumour.
We're all going to die, or lose somebody close to us. We're all going to suffer.
And I needed to hear that sometimes things are going to suck, and if happiness seems far away, that doesn't mean life is pointless.
I am not saying that if you've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend), then you should suffer in quiet dignity. I don't think that at all. (Nor am I comparing it to being in a concentration camp....)
I was depressed a few years ago. I went to counselling. It cost a lot of money and I'm not sure she told me anything new, but I really just needed someone to talk to. Maybe I'll write another post on what we talked about.
I cried so many tears about my lack of romance- the worst kind of wretched hopeless crying. I was convinced there was something wrong with me but I couldn't see what it was. So that only made it worse- I seemed nice enough to myself, but obviously everybody else saw something different, something flawed and I would never be able to work on changing myself because I didn't know what the problem was.... It broke my heart. More than just being alone. I started to doubt myself, dislike myself.
Maybe I shouldn't give advice. But I think it's okay to be sad about it. I'm still sad for the things I've missed out on, the fun I could have had, and the mistakes I should have made already....
I think all you can do is make sure you have meaning in your life, work on making your life the way you want, find a cause you believe in and advocate for it....
Meanwhile, you are still going to be sad, but I think you can put limits on it. Did you ever feel jealous of happy couples? I have, and I don't want to begrudge other people their happiness.
I don't think you should keep your sadness to yourself all the time so as not to burden people; I think you should take care of yourself and talk about it to a sympathetic ear if you have someone you trust. Or blog it to the world!
Anyways, I'll get off my high horse now. Date stroke patients! Barrel of laughs!
If you're depressed you should seek help. I don't regret going to counselling- it helped me a lot. But I had to fight depression myself; she just coached me through it. Once you decide to be in control of your emotions, set goals, take chances...you're on your way out of it.
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