New Year's Blues

Home alone and sick on New Year's Eve.
2013 had better be the year I finally get laid.

Jumblies

I just started crying watching the wedding scene in 'Muppets Take Manhattan'.  The lyrics are 'She only knows he'll make her happy.'  <Sniff, sniff.  bursts into tears>  I guess part of me DOES want to get married.  To Kermit the Frog, my dream guy!

I hope everyone had happy holidays.  My Christmas was overall pretty quiet.  I have some kind of a flu that doesn't look like much- I'm not coughing or sneezing.  I'm just head-achy and need to sleep a lot.  I'm getting bored from being home so much, but if I try to do things I feel weak.

Small Christmas incident.  My mom still does stocking stuffers for her kids and now their spouses.  I got two chocolate Santas in my stocking and wondered if I'd accidentally gotten someone else's.  No, apparently they came in packs of six.  "And you won't get stuff from your partner and your siblings do, so I gave you the extra."  Thanks, mom.   Thanks for reminding me.

I've seen Walrus twice.  We went out for sushi and I went to his parents' open house.  It's still the same story.  There's still touching, just at the edge of what's considered platonic.  At times I look at him and feel a rush of affection, and sometimes it's almost an aversion.  He got me a nice Christmas present, although I suspect his mother had a lot to do with it.

I told my friend in the north about the situation; I was afraid to because she got so angry at him when we broke up.  She was pretty calm, but she said, "He's convenient and he's the devil you know.  How much is that part of the appeal?"  She also said the problem with "friends with benefits" is that sex releases chemicals to make you like your partner more- so that you'll be a mating pair if there are offspring.

Alright, alright.  I never said it was a good idea.  Besides, it's not going to happen.  Much better to put effort into finding the real thing.

Since I'm pretty much couch-bound with this flu, I've been thinking about my New Year's resolutions/life goals.

I read this book called 'Making a Living While Making a Difference'  and there were two things I took from it.  It said that small changes in your routine can make a big difference to everything in your life.  A new job changes the people you're surrounded with, your daily rhythm, where you go and what you see....
I thought about choir and what a difference it made in just a year, and only 90 minutes a week.  And some of my volunteering things that I've stuck with have brought me new friends and new skills and new opportunities.
So that really cheered me up.  I could probably fit in another club or activity into my schedule and reap the benefits.  Way better than time spent on Pinterest!

The other thing it suggested was to gather together people who know you and who do work you admire.  Have them look at your resume, where you've applied, the skills you have, etc.  They as a group can offer suggestions about how to get you doing the work you want to be doing.  I'm not sure if I know people who would want to come to a meeting like that for me, (and my house is so messy!) but I can start asking people for their opinions and advice individually.  (And for dating advice, I have this blog!)

I hesitate so much.  I really like to think through my ideas and then tell someone.  I kinda need someone to tell me, "Yeah, go do that.  Go be awesome."

My dreams are getting so small.  Get a job that's not horrible.  Move out.  Date.  Those aren't dreams!  Those are the basic stuff of life.  But they seem so unreachable at times that anything bigger seems impossible.

Here's the thing.  I'm sorta interested in cob building and started looking around for some workshops in my area.  I found a really hippie place about two hours away that offers a 2 or 4 month internship in the summer.  It's not really an internship, since you have to pay, but you live on site and construct a small building, learn about composting toilets and building code and a whole bunch of technical stuff.  If you do the longer internship you actually become a certified builder, although I'd have to look into it more to know what that really means in the real world.

It's really caught hold of my imagination.  I want to live sustainably- why not go all out?  Why not do something adventurous, something to really get me out of my rut, out of my comfort zone.  I'm an artist and I might be really good at it, since the shapes are organic and often decorated with bas-relief sculpture.
The cost:  $3500-$4200.  Yikes.  I could travel for that, I could volunteer in Africa.  I do have that much money in savings, but is that a responsible thing to do at this point in my life?  I can only gamble on the potential benefits...I don't know if I'd get a chance to use these skills in the urban area I live in, even though there is a growing interest even here.

If I stay here I'd probably end up teaching art at a kids' summer camp.  I've done my share of those!  But it's income earned, instead of savings spent.  But maybe there wouldn't be a better time for me to do this, I have no apartment to sublet, no strings of any kind except for my dog.

Partly it's the practical considerations and partly it's the hippyness of it.  I have never been able to go very far outside the mainstream, and I'm an artist!  People expect artists to be larger than life; it's part of what they give them money for.

I don't have to decide yet.  It's close enough that I can visit the place for a weekend and see if I can picture myself there all summer.

There were so many more resolutions and goals for this year I won't go into...but since this is sorta a dating blog, my general philosophy about dating is that I should work on creating my life the way I want, and being the real cool person I want to be.  If a concern for the environment is pretty high on my list of 'Musts' for my potential life partner, then I'm going to volunteer with environmental groups so I meet these types of people.  They don't seem to be on OKCupid!  Internet dating is fine, I'm not going to delete my profile, but I'd rather put it on hold for a while.  Maybe in a few months (when there's new fish in the pond) I'll make an effort to contact 5 people, or ask my friends to set me up, or whatever I need to do to start dating.  I'm obviously thinking about it day and night so maybe I won't last that long, but meanwhile time is passing and I'm moping around not working.

Wrong Again

Last night there was a long (texting, always bloody texting) conversation with Walrus about theology, our families, and life as a medieval peasant, among other things.  It was almost midnight and I decided to broach the question.
"You and me.  What's happening? We're pretty close these days."
"Yes, we are.  I see it as platonic."
"Not platonic enough that I can date again!"

(long pause.)

 I continue. "Things are just feeling a bit weird.  We held hands, you fed me a cookie....Do you know what I mean?"

"I do."

(long, long pause)

Me again.  "It's just got to go one way or another.  We don't have to talk about this now, but I had to get it off my chest."

Him:  "Fair enough."

Me:  "Well, good night.  This was awkward, huh?"

Him.  "So awkward."  He then goes on to try and lighten the mood by talking about farting in church, and I just say good night.   And cry myself to sleep.

Seeing as I am essentially a 31-year old virgin, being his platonic best friend messes with my mind.  The relationship was always lacking passion.  What am I doing wrong?  Yes, I want to hang out with you and talk to you every day and tell you everything but hold the sex, thanks.

I've got my horrible  re-occurring cough  again and am feeling pretty miserable.  I'm all in a huff because Christmas is about consumption and waste and not gratitude and all the beautiful things it should be about, and even my pretty-environmentally aware family is guilty of it.  But mostly I'm feeling like a failure.  Why am I sucking at life so badly?

Walrus Redux

I have been so busy lately with a bunch of art gigs.  I would have actually made some money this week if I hadn't gotten a parking ticket.  Sigh.
(Note to self:  start charging more)

I'm very tired but there's a big question on my mind.  Walrus and I are in some kind of weird grey area between 'just friends' and 'a couple'.
It's like platonic dating.  Our old relationship, minus the kissing.  Perhaps even a deeper emotional connection at this point.
I talk to him every day (OK, we send text messages, not talk) and say good night to him every night.  When I'm sad/frustrated/sick/worried/etc I tell him about it, and he turns to me when he needs comfort as well.
I mentioned we held hands when our friend died.
After that, he gave me more hugs, longer hugs.  He's called me 'dear' a few times.  He brought me a cookie and instead of putting it in my hand he tried to feed it to me.  Small gestures, just a little too intimate for just friends.
And the weird thing is, I'm fine with all of this until I stop to think about it.
I'm initiating some of this stuff as well- I was the one who reached for his hand....

But I don't want to drift back together because we're lonely or because it's a habit...I want us, both of us, to deliberately choose what our relationship is going to be.
And I want him to declare himself, not try out these little gestures to see how I react.  We did this before.  I balked and he withdrew.
I'm longing to hear three little words:  "I appreciate you."   Even if we're just friends.

I'm going to ask him what's going on.   I can't move on if we're this close.  And if we are this close, we might as well put back the kissing element into the relationship.

Maybe you've seen this article about harsh truths of life.  There's supposed to be six truths, but they're basically the same point over and over again.  It's written for a male audience and says so.  However, the main premise is that the world does not care about you; it cares about how you can help it meet its needs.  That goes for employers and potential love partners.  What can you offer other people?  What do you bring to the job/relationship?

I'm still thinking it over.  I still need a job- I think I have skills but don't know how to show people what I can do.
And what about me is dateable?  Lovable?  How much am I willing to change to make myself more attractive to a broader audience?
What could Walrus bring to a relationship?  What needs of mine does he meet?

Because I know all the things he does that drive me crazy, and I know how he screwed up in the past, and I have a feeling I have to try a relationship with someone else at some point in my life, and yet I still am pretty much okay with getting back together.

Littler Nothings

Jasper did send a message the morning we had set for the date, after a week of no correspondence.  He named a cafe and a time.  I was a bit annoyed.  I don't like it when there's conversation and an agreement to meet and then the guy thinks his work is done and stops writing.  I also have a cough developing, and I get really really terrible coughs that last for weeks.  In the morning I feel like death but during the day I can function.
It took me an hour to decide what to do, but I wrote back that I was sick and vaguely suggested moving it to next week.  He wrote back that he hoped I felt better and his schedule was busy next week but he'd be in touch.
I think I just don't want to meet this guy, but should I do it because I said I would, and because my excuses are lame, or should I follow my instinct?

And then, on top of that, even though I cancelled the meeting because I was sick, it somehow turned out that I went Christmas shopping with Walrus.  He told me he would be in my area and I said he could stop by where I volunteer to see the work we do.  I meant it to be a 15 minute visit.  He didn't come until closing, and I had to run to a shop to get some supplies for an art project, and he came along.

On the way we met his best friend.  I had written before how shocked I was that the best friend was planning to separate from his wife.  Walrus made the wife seem really shrewish.

Well, well, well.....the best friend was with a woman, whom he introduced as his 'GOOD friend' with a heavy emphasis on the 'good'.

She was visiting from (far-away country.)  Turns out she visited our city last year and randomly met Best Friend and they talked for hours and stayed in touch....to the point of phone calls every morning.
I was even more shocked!  I sorta feel for the wife.  I guess the marriage wasn't good to begin with, but to have your husband openly courting someone on the other side of the world!  No wonder he sleeps on the floor.

Boys!  Walrus saw nothing wrong; he just saw his friend was happy.  Maybe there's something to "all's fair in love and war" if everybody ends up happier in the end, but personally I wouldn't correspond with a married man.

Anyways.  I got an offer for another art commission, it will be not enough money for a tight tight deadline.  Trying decide if I should do it.  It would be fun, if it weren't so stressful this time of year and with my health worries....

What am I doing anyways?

Little Nothings

I'm supposed to be working on a project but I did a gig with kids this morning and I'm having a rest.  Procrastination!
Since the last post, there has been one day of bad back pain that kept me from doing much, but since then I've been pretty careful and survived a busy 3-gig weekend.

Choir this week was pretty emotional as we remembered our friend who'd passed.  Singing with a group is an amazing way to heal and grieve and rejoice. I cried a bit and found myself reaching for Walrus' hand.  So we held hands for a good part of the evening.  I guess that's a little weird but it seemed okay.  Our choir director noticed and commented as we left. "So you guys are holding hands again?" Walrus said something like "It's all this hand is good for" (since I held his paralyzed hand.)  We haven't talked about it.  I did say 'Thanks for comforting me' and he said 'Of course' and that was it.

I don't think it means we'll get back together; it was a special circumstance.  We are talking to each other every day, we've even had some conversations about deeper stuff, which doesn't happen often with Walrus.
A few people have asked me what's going on with us.  One friend asked if I'd be able to move on while the friendship is this close. I'm wondering that myself.

Yesterday I went to a costume Christmas thing, dressed as an elf. This drunken reindeer kept hip-checking me and trying to chat with me.  When I was dancing he stood in front of me and tried to pull my pelvis into his backside.  I got all red and flustered and didn't know what to do.  I just shook my head at him.  I thought he had the weirdest taste- there were lots of women dressed as sexy Santas so why would he pick the wholesomely-ridiculous-looking elf/gnome?  He tried a few more times but finally got the hint.
Before this incident, I'd actually had one (1) whole vodka-cran and was having fun dancing and actually feeling like I understood why people thought this sort of thing was fun.  After an hour I wanted to go home and read Jane Austen by myself.

I'm thinking this meeting with Jasper (a guy from OKCupid) isn't going to happen.  He hasn't been in contact for a week.  I'm not that upset.

Health woes

So I wrote a few weeks ago that my period started early, even though I'm on birth control.  Then it didn't stop...it was more than two weeks and getting heavier.  I went back to the clinic last week, saw a new young female doctor who didn't seem worried but sent me for a blood test anyways.  I got the results today from my regular doctor- I'm really anemic and have to start taking iron pills.

Yesterday and today I've had bad back pains.  Over the last year, I've been having some back pain just before my period, and if I stood for a long period of time.  I didn't know why it was happening.  Was it because I was out of shape and had gained weight?  Was it hormonal?  Was it just because I have a freakishly long torso?  I just vowed to do my 'yoga for the spine' video more often.
Today I'm absolutely crippled by back pain.  I've tried to stretch it out and nothing's worked.  I told the doctor and he didn't seem that concerned.  I'm going to get an X-ray tomorrow.  The thing is, I'm also having pains in my pelvis, some aches under the hip bone and some sharp pinching lower in the groin.  Endometriosis has been mentioned as a possibility.

I've been going to this doctor my whole life.  My mom says he doesn't pay attention to women's complaints. Years ago, she and my dad both went to see this doctor on the same day for chest pains.  Dad was given a whole litany of tests and Mom was sent away.

I've just had a two week long period and I'm having pelvic pains.  Doctor does nothing.

I'm lying on the floor right now with the laptop on my knees.  I'm in quite a lot of pain.
I'm worried about why this is happening and how behind I'm getting on my projects.

In other news, Walrus was quite supportive today and was getting updates frequently.  I told him I really appreciated it.

I was surprised to find a message from the Jasper fellow on OKC.  He said he's game to meet me still.  What?  I've been about as negative as possible about our compatibility, but I said yes.  (a sort of 'Oh sure, what the hell' kinda yes in my head)  A date is tentatively set for next week.

With the health worries and the death of my choir friend, not to mention the lack of employment, I am getting a bit down.   Just thinking about Operation FML and how I'm going to put it in place.  I need to figure out my goals and a plan.

 There's a big environmental organization that had a call in their newsletter for delegates to go to training in (faraway exotic country) to learn how to organize a movement in their home towns.  I started to fill out the application form and realized I wouldn't get chosen.  I have no experience as a community organizer.  It was a brief fantasy of this amazing adventure I was going to have, and the kind of person I was going to be.
I still have the dream of working to change the world, or my community, maybe as a job, maybe as a volunteer.

I don't know.  I can't move, so all I can do is lie here and stew.

Heavy Heart

When I was younger I thought I knew everything.  Maybe when I'm older I'll be too set in my ways.
All I know is that right now I'm keenly interested in other people's stories and trying to glean everything I can from them.

Our friend from choir, after living with a brain tumour for ten years, has passed away.

I am sad of course, but I am also reflecting on mortality in general  Perhaps it is a selfish, or at least self-centered reaction to the death of an acquaintance, but it is a very human one.  As I think about my friend and how he lived with the knowledge of a shortened lifespan, I can't help but think about what I'm going to do with my life.

I have a lot to be grateful for.  I also want to create a full life for myself, and I feel like I'm a bit behind on that.  I have been feeling down but I just need to keep working on my goals.

There has been some interesting conversations this week.  I hope I'm learning what I need to learn.

Minutiae

Not much to report.  I write to clear my head.
We finished the group project for the contest...nearly killed each other but we finished.  We didn't win, but the finished product looks pretty good considering....At least it's raising money for charity.
Nothing like a group project to show you yourself in the worst light.  When working on artistic projects with non-artists, I get frustrated and let's face it, pretty bossy.
I have another big project due in two weeks and lots of little 'gigs' so I'm busy.  I can pretend I'm a professional artist (almost) making a living, at least for the next month.

Walrus:
We talk daily and see each other once or twice a week.  It was his birthday recently and I took him to a movie, as well as went to dinner at his parents'.  I sometimes feel uneasy with the friendship.  His evil ex-fiancee keeps coming up in conversation.  More examples of her selfishness were revealed.  Walrus seemed to want to talk about her, and I let him.  I get a little upset when she is mentioned.  Why did she get seven years with Walrus when I only got 10 months?  I was so much better to him than she was.  We broke up and I'm still good to him.
I asked what her good points were and he said, "Well, she was a lot of fun."  My eyes watered.  I am many good things, but I am not fun.
Then he said "But she's fat and miserable and alone, and I'm sitting....in front of an open bar."  (Between Walrus and the open bar was sitting me.  I wanted to say 'You're alone too, moron.  You had a nice girlfriend and you lost her'.  Also I suspect Evil Ex is dating again, but I wasn't going to tell him that)
More and more I look at Walrus and feel that I am not in love with him.  At the same time my hand longs to slip into his.  It's my ego, not my heart.  A little bit my heart...
The evil ex came up because Walrus' best friend is going to leave his wife.  I've met the best friend several times, the wife once.  He's a good guy, always cheerful.  Turns out the wife has been making him sleep on the floor for months.  Then we talked about other dysfunctional relationships among our friends.  This is a weird topic for exes to discuss.

Operation FML:
Well, the last week was spent working 12 hour days on this stupid contest.  Now that's it's over, I'm taking a look at what needs to be done.  I can't get caught up in these crazy deadlines and allow myself to break all the rules about healthy living.  I need to send out another bunch of resumes and clean up the mess from the project and start doing yoga in the mornings and stop eating wheat and meat!  I need to FOCUS.  I'm not getting anywhere on any of my goals and it's discouraging.  I think I have too many goals.
Also health problems continue and I'm worried.

OKC:
The out of town guy who wanted to meet and then never organized anything wrote a week later and said, 'Sorry, didn't end up coming into town after all, but will visiting in December." I wrote back something neutral, I mean I didn't try to organize a meet-up at a later date, but was open to more communication until then, and he didn't write back.
Since then, I have been talking to another guy. He has an old-fashioned name.  I didn't think any baby had been christened this name in the last 50 years.  It's like Kermit or Jasper- a name you can't take quite seriously.  (I actually like both those names but wouldn't actually name a boy either one)  OKC tells me that we are 67% compatible, 20% enemies.  I couldn't find anything in his profile that would explain why the numbers were so low  (except that he is a foodie and I won't eat anything; he likes Ayn Rand and I think she's evil),  so I wrote back.  There was some small talk and it was going nowhere.
 I must have been in a mood because I fired off 'Why did you write to me?  I don't see much that we have in common.  I hate Ayn Rand and I don't drink beer (a major part of his profile was describing his home-brewing hobby.)'  I wrote some more so it didn't sound quite so rude, but it was basically pretty rude.  He (let's call him Jasper) wrote back that he liked that I was artsy and had a sense of humour.  His basic philosophy was that OKC's numbers don't matter that much and he was willing to meet with anyone whose profile didn't scare him and see what happened.  Jasper thought different points of view made things interesting.  I said if he still wanted to meet, I was up for it, but I think I've made it awkward since I wasn't exactly welcoming his interest.

I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't want to feel like I'm inventing reasons to reject people and I don't want to feel like I have to meet everyone who asks me when I'm clearly not excited about it.  I've been told I expect those closest to me to think exactly like me on political and moral issues...and even taste in music.
I've heard that it's compatible personalities that matter, not similar interests.  I read a Psychology Today article that said couples who are similar have better relationships short term, but long term, having different ways of navigating the world and learning how each others' strengths and weaknesses compliment each other  is much more successful.
My instinct is that someone who loves food and beer is going to be frustrated with me on a daily basis.  We just won't have similar ideas of fun.  I want to go vegetarian- we'd have to cook separate meals.
Maybe I won't want this forever, but at the moment I really want someone who cares about the environment, someone who is willing to carry around a metal straw and bamboo cutlery and reusable shopping bags so they don't add disposable plastic to a landfill.  A weird thing to look for as a number one quality in a man...
I just think having similar lifestyles and similar goals are necessary for a happy relationship.
But what do I know?
I'm so naive.

updates 2

Didn't get job.

Haven't heard back from out-of-town guy who's supposed to be in town today.  Guess that's off.

I was doing a group project with two other interns from that internship I did in September.  We are entered in a contest, but the girl who started the project (Helen) is fighting with her husband.  They haven't been married that long, and are talking of separation.  So understandably she's in a bad place.  She wants to keep going on the project but somehow I'm doing all the work.  The team came over to my house yesterday to work on it and they bickered until I thought Helen was going to have a meltdown.  I felt like a mother hen, breaking up fights and making sure they had enough to eat and being incredibly patient.  The deadline for the contest is next week.  I'm so stressed about this totally optional use of my time.

Helen talked a little bit about her troubles with the husband.  Her advice was to find a partner whose parents are still together because a broken family puts too much strain on your future relationships.  My parents are divorced, so I guess I'm screwed.  Then she complained that she was 26 and it would take three or four years for her to be in a stable relationship again and she wouldn't be having kids until she was 30!  
I didn't say anything.  Didn't.  Say.  Anything.

Err, sorry for too much information, but I take birth control pills for my PCOS and I'm bleeding two weeks early and I haven't missed any pills.  Do I need to see a doctor?  I think I need to see a doctor.

I woke up at 5am this morning.  Nothing is going right.

updates

Job interview went well on my part, but I have a feeling they've already picked someone else.  I was the last one to interview.  I'll find out next week...

There will be babies here tomorrow but I'm planning on going out with a friend.

Even without a job I have lots of art 'gigs' and projects at the moment and am quite busy.

The guy from out of town wants to meet me next week- he says he's coming here for four days.  I said yes.
I didn't write back to Mr. Gentrification.

Babies, babies everywhere

I complained earlier that there was too much babysitting in my life...I'm trying to draw boundaries but it's not working.   Four days out of seven, there are babies here.
Today my mom had my sister's kid in the morning, and around 3 in the afternoon he went home and my brother's two babies came.  That's 12 hours of babysitting.  My dog cannot handle 12 hours of babies in his house.  I was out most of the day, but when I came home it was madness.  The new baby cried non-stop, which set off the dog and the one-year old.  I didn't eat dinner.  I understood why people shake babies.
Last Monday was a holiday in Canada.  My sister still had to work but her husband had the day off.  He 'had stuff to do' so they asked if Mom would still take their son as usual on a Monday.  Apparently my mom and I don't have stuff to do.  I actually had an illustration to finish that was two days late and I was very stressed about it.  When the kid was napping I went to work on it.  And I had facebook open, shame on me, but I saw that brother-in-law had posted that he was making muffins on his day off!  I was so mad.  Why can't he man up and be a father to his kid?

I have to move out.  I have to move out.  I have to move out.

Other bits and bobs:
Job interview tomorrow.  Fingers crossed.

Walrus and I go on being friends.  It is what it is.

We went to a protest last weekend.  Yes, getting political!  Unfortunately, only about 30 people showed up and it fizzled out within an hour.  I mention it because a couple came near the end, and he (the male component of the couple) looked familiar.  I think he had a prolife on OKC, and even on Plenty of Fish when I tried that two years ago.  I sorta was thinking about messaging him.  However, he looked happy with his girl and I was glad he'd finally found someone.   He's not the first person I've recognized in real life from their profile.  What is the etiquette for that anyways?  Pretty sure it's best just to pretend you don't know anything about them.  I'm not really sure what the point of this story was.  Just the weirdness of internet dating is made even more apparent when you see someone that you think you recognize from three blurry photos....

There was a brief flurry of activity in the OKC world for me.  Two men wrote to me this week.  They both were the type to answer IMMEDIATELY after I wrote back.  Damn smart phones!  (I usually wait a day to respond, just as a general rule, a rule I've made up based on who-knows-what.)

One man was local, three years younger than me, fairly cute, 92% match.  Conversation wasn't amazing but it was going alright.  I was weirdly not into him being younger than me.  I mentioned that I went to some local community place for an event and he said he wouldn't go there because it was gentrifying a low-income neighbourhood.  I'm somewhat insulted and disagree on this issue (local politics....)  I haven't written back.  I'm not that interested, just not feeling it, even if he is cute.  Do I have to say 'thanks but no thanks' after three messages exchanged or do I just not answer?

Man #2 is from another nearby city...let's say 2 hours away.  He's 35 I think and an 88% match.  I put too much stock in these numbers.  Walrus was 89%, if I recall.  Anyways....the conversation is interesting and slightly weird.  He asks those conversation-starting questions that seem fake and sorta annoy me but I admit they work.  Also he said 'Just putting this out there, I was impressed that you listed [classic 50s film] first on your list of favourites.'   Why did he have to say 'just putting this out there'?  Does he know how obnoxious that phrase is?  Why is necessary to say that?  Can't he just say 'I like that film too.'  It's not a sign that we're meant to be together if we both like this old movie, FFS.  Also he described himself as a free spirit.  I read somewhere, probably on Captain Awkward, that one would do well to avoid people who describe themselves as 'quirky' or 'feisty' on dating sites.  I think 'free spirit' is high up on the list of adjectives to avoid.  I'm not sure 'free spirit' is strictly speaking an adjective.  Oh well.  I'm very tired.

I didn't really intend to blog every message I ever got from online dating, but it's been slow in that department.  It's all just so weird and makes me freak out and not want to do it.

Oh please let me get a job soon so I can start Operation FML and get away from my family and be independent and feel awesome enough to date again...

Operation FML

Introducing Operation Fix My Life.

What if I really made it my job to make something of myself?  I've been working on things, but I've sorta been farting around and doing a lot of sitting around waiting for things to happen.  I make lists, I set goals, but I never set deadlines.
But what if I worked as if my life depended on it?  Because, at this point, it does.

My sister works nights stocking shelves so she can contribute to the family income without needing to pay for daycare for her son.  My friend in the north has worked two jobs for years, sometimes doing 20 hours straight, or going for weeks without a day off.  As for me, I haven't done an all-nighter since college.  I don't let anything interfere with my 8 hours of sleep!

But, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  I'm not even working 40 hours a week on my goals, and I should be doing 60 or 70.

I can't just trickle off again.  This has got to be real.

I wrote that last week.  I haven't put it in place yet.  I got involved in an art project that I wasn't getting paid for but put in about 30 hours for anyways....And I babysat my siblings' kids four days (!) this week.  And now I have to draw the line and say no to these sorts of things.

So, little updates.
First, what do I do about babysitting?  My mom takes my sister's baby two days a week.  If I'm home, I'm expected to be involved in watching him and I can't get much done.  And my brother's wife is struggling with the two babies and they're moving this month.... I want to be a good aunt, but I have my own life to deal with.

Two, I'm addicted to a stupid computer game.  Mushroom Farm Revolution.  I must....stop....playing....

Three- some things are going well.  I have lots of projects, some I'm even getting paid for, and I'm busy.  I have a job interview next week for a part time administration position, organizing children's classes.  It would be  a pretty good match for me, it's close by, fits my schedule, and is the type of work I want to do, but I don't really have the supervisory experience they're looking for.  Fingers crossed.  And I'm finding my social life is pretty good.  I'm not dating, but I have friends that I see regularly.  After my best friend and I had that fight, I drifted away from the circle of friends we had in common.  It feels good to know that I have friends that are just mine!

Four- still not talking to my father and he's writing me sad emails.  Don't know what to do.  They aren't very convincing.

Five- Dating is not really in my plan for Operation FML's first year.  Oh wait, I haven't actually said what the goals are.  I don't want to list them in great detail, partly because that I don't want to mention the particulars of my life,  and partly because I saw a TEDtalk that said if you tell people your goals, they praise you and you're less likely to achieve your goals.

The major thing is to get a job and move out within a year.  That has to happen.

I have some goals for what I'd like to achieve with my art, and living green and other little personal goals.  I'd like to lose 5 pounds so that my Body Mass Index moves from 'Overweight' to 'Normal', for example.
But dating, I haven't thought about.  I'm tired of OKCupid, although I occasionally get messages so I will leave up my profile.  I'm not exactly telling the truth- I have thought about writing to the American guy who keeps looking at my profile.  We're supposedly a 98% match and he seems interesting.  But what would be the point of it?  He's somewhat unattainable, simply by geography, so it would be another 'all or nothing' situation if we did like each other.  (I say 'another' because I felt I couldn't casually date Walrus)

I'm trying to decide where dating fits in the priorities.  I've heard advice that says 'a boyfriend/girlfriend won't fix your life.  No one person can meet all your needs, for one thing, and some problems are just out of their realm.  You've got to work on your own sh*t so that you're ready to give to the other person as well.

However, in my case, not having a boyfriend is the problem, so I think that would solve quite a few things!  I am pondering if having a partner would help me be the best Eleanor I can be, and give me confidence to do the things I want to, or if I'd just spend all my time with him and neglect my art....

I am embarrassed that I live at home, that the house is messy, that I'm not exercising, so I think I need to be working on those things so I can hold my head up high.  So I need to proceed as if I'm going to be on my own.  If something happens in the romance department, I'm not going to say no.

I'm fine during the day.  At night I want to be held and I cry.  Somehow I don't think these feelings are going to be motivating.

Sigh.  Big sigh.

Back to the drawing board, literally!

Trying to see the light..

Sarah Vaughan sings 'Lover Man'
A song for all those who are still waiting....Sometimes it feels like it was written for me.
(tried to embed the video...not sure how to do it.)

For the last two nights I've cried myself to sleep.  Not sure why, or how to get out of this mood.  I think I'm just frustrated with everything.  Still just treading water...

I think I had the idea that the universe would even things out for me; since I waited so long, my first romance would be a good one.  It didn't happen that way.

Observations from others:
#1  I went to visit my friend the art teacher.  I used to volunteer in her classroom.  For some reason she's the sort of person you just tell everything too.  She deals with teenagers all day long, and she's been teaching for 20 years.  She's heard everything.  She said 'of course he's still talking to you.  You're you.  You're so loyal.'
I'm not sure how she identified me as loyal from the Walrus situation sketched out to her in a few sentences.  As I was leaving, she told me, 'Date again.  Get out there!'

#2  My friend in the north called me and I told her the backrub story and that I was crying a lot.  She said I'd done a lot of work on myself this year, torn down some walls and it's no wonder I'm raw.  She said I just have to be raw for a while.  Great.
Then we talked about if I were to date again, what would happen to the friendship with Walrus?  Would I expect the next guy to be understanding about it, or would the friendship have to end?  She said you have to choose the new relationship over the old.  Then she questioned my motivations for staying friends with Walrus.  'Guilt', she said.  'It's always guilt if I keep them in my life.'

Anyways, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  There's a lot of obstacles between here and there already.

I did get an OKC message that was quite nice and replied to it and then never heard anything.  It's been a week.

But the crying.....Here's the thing in a nutshell.  I waited so long to be held, to hear that I was beautiful, and when it finally happened, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.  So yes, some protective walls came down.  But it didn't last, and I don't trust that something better is coming for me.  If broken old Walrus didn't even want me...

I know what I have to do.  Exercise, clean, get a part-time job, draw and go out and see people and try things.  Stay busy and get things done and the depression won't have anything to feed on.

How do you get yourself out of a funk?

Happy Halloween, by the way.

A Grey Area, Part II

And then I had a two hour cry.

Why can't I get over this?

A Grey Area, now defined

I'm sure you're tired of hearing about me being wishy-washy about Walrus.  (Alliteration!  How fun.)  Hopefully this is the end of all that.  That door is shut.

Last night I went with my friend from choir (previously mentioned as the hostess of a ladies only party and the other half of a spill-yer-guts conversation.  We'll call her Meg)  to hear a band she was obsessed with.    She and her husband bought tickets, but then won two more.  They offered to split the cost four ways if I wanted to bring a friend.  Since I was supposed to help Walrus with his Halloween costume that afternoon, I invited him.  He slept all afternoon, so we didn't do the costume thing....

The concert was at a little hipster restaurant/bar in the bad part of town.  Meg and Cam (her hubby) ordered drinks so I had a Brown Cow.  Walrus came late and had a beer.  Cam paid for the round of drinks, even though they'd already split the price of the tickets with us, when they could have taken the free ones.  
We sat ladies on one side of the table, men on the other.  Walrus reached across the table and rubbed my elbow.  "You look nice in that sweater."
Walrus and Cam got along well and chatted together.  I just tried to take it all in.  I was a little on edge.
I don't do well with bars, the loudness, the hipsterness, the drinking, the amount of money being spent that I wasn't contributing to... but I really like Meg and she was so happy we'd came.  Walrus was happy to be out on a Friday night; it's the kind of lifestyle he's used to.
It happened that M and C left the table and Walrus and I were left alone together.  I moved to sit next to him.  He said "tell me a story" and I told him about my day.  While I was talking he started rubbing my back, leaning into me.  
I said 'What are you doing?' 
 'Rubbing your back' 
 I said very quietly, 'What do you want from me?'
 He said 'Nothing' and I took his hand off of me.  Then he just stared ahead and I felt bad for him and gave him a one armed hug and we continued the conversation.  But for the rest of the night I wasn't sure what to do and kept my distance.
Cam invited Walrus out to smoke a joint with him, and he accepted the offer.  I saw Cam whisper to him and figured out what was up when Walrus put on his jacket.  I asked him where he was going and he said 'to make another life decision.'  I was annoyed, but didn't really think it was my business.  I thought he was just trying to look cool to Cam.  He'd already told me pot had no effect on him.  
While they were gone I told Meg what had happened.  "Trying to rekindle the romance, eh?  He needs to talk to you."
M and C loved the band and got right up close to the stage.  Walrus needed to sit and played with his phone at our table in the corner.  I drifted back and forth.  It was much too loud for me up front. I would have rather sat and observed from the back, but I wanted to show our hosts I liked it, and Walrus wasn't really good company anyways.
I did try to start some conversation but it was really loud.  At the end of the night I asked if he'd had fun and he said 'It was okay.  It's Friday night, you gotta get out.'  

Anyways, today I decided we were going to talk about it and I texted him.  After some small talk, I finally spit it out.  I said the backrub made me uncomfortable, that it was too intimate a gesture from a friend, and if the 'friends' situation were to change, we would have to talk about it first.
I was surprisingly open to considering a reconciliation, or maybe just open to hearing him say he missed me.  Yes, I know how dumb that is.  I'm just reporting, as accurately as I can, my mindset.  There was still that hope, that I was loved, that my loyalty was recognized....
Anyways, he didn't ask for me back.  He apologized and said his actions were inappropriate and thoughtless.
I said," Is the friendship working?  Do we have to see less of each other?"
He said he was comfortable with how things were.  I said fine, but we'll want to date other people.  He said 'Granted'
So that's the agreement.  I feel better that it's defined.
My eyes were watering the whole time like crazy.
Part of me hoped to hear something else from him, but mostly I'm relieved, because I don't know how we could have made it work.  And I feel like I can date without guilt, although when it actually happens there might be some mixed emotions, all perfectly normal I'm sure.

So.  There you go.  If I'm making mistakes, maybe I just have to make them.  

Odds n' Ends

Last night I couldn't sleep.  I started crying because it was cold and I missed having Walrus in bed with me.   He used to spoon me and kiss me between the shoulder blades.  At least he was good for something.
And then I started crying because I've never been in love.  I think I have been loved, but I have never loved anybody.  Never believed in anybody enough.  I would really like to find somebody worthy and to try to be worthy of them.

I think I've stopped trying to imagine my dream guy but I do imagine what a good relationship would be like.   Easy and comfortable, first of all.  He wouldn't have to be interested in my art, necessarily, but he'd have to give me room to do it.  I long for some sort of deep connection.  I want us to talk late into the night, to undress each other's brains, as it were.  And after a while, we would just 'get' each other.  I waffle a bit when I have to make a decision, and sometimes I want to talk it out, even when deep inside, I've already decided.  He would listen, and then kiss me and say 'Go be awesome'

Ok maybe he won't be as perfect as all that.  But he'd be mine and I'd be his.

Gawd this makes me weepy.

My friend Amy -I work with her sometimes so she's sorta my boss- wrote to me today about some business stuff, and gave me an update.  In the summer she was juggling three boys and wondering what to do.   She picked one (the one I thought sounded best) and she's really happy.  She said it was like a 'dream relationship'- really easy and fun and great communication.

I'm not really doing internet dating right now.  I look at it every so often but no one's caught my attention and I rarely get messages. There is someone who's a 98% match for me but he lives an hour's drive away.  That's not that far...except that it happens to be on the other side of the American border!  Anyways, I noticed that he's looked at my profile a few times.  I might just daydream about him for something to do....
I'd really really rather not meet someone on the internet, especially not from another country!  I would be so thrilled to meet someone 'in real life'.  What a weird phrase.

In other news, I'm just starting to draw a little.  This is progress.  I thought about high-school me, always carrying a sketchbook, doodles all over every piece of schoolwork...I spent my spare block in the library copying old master drawings.  I don't want all that time I put in to go to waste.  And it needs to be second nature to me again, to be creating all the time, if I ever want to make stuff I'm proud of.

I'm still reading that Quiet book.  It's about introverts.  It says that studies have shown babies who react strongly to loud noises grow up to be introverts.  They are classified as 'highly reactive'.  They are more sensitive to their environment, and perhaps more fearful.  Then there's 'Highly Sensitive' people...I'm not quite sure where introversion and high sensitivity overlap...Anyways, you'll have to read the book to really get clear definitions.

But research seems to say that introverts and HSPs not only react to loud noises more than other people, they may be more sensitive in taste, smell and visual perception.  They can notice subtle differences between two similar images when most people assume they're identical and stop looking.  They are more empathetic. They feel a deeper sense of guilt, and have a strong sense of conscience.  They even seem to think differently, more deeply than the average person even in simple tasks (like comparing the two pictures, as described above.)  The book said 'No wonder they're bored by small talk!"

My therapist told me once I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was 'just sensitive'.

So self-proclaiming myself a HSP feels great!  I feel more than other people!  I see more, taste more, care more, and try harder to do the right thing.  But I actually thought to myself as I read this chapter, 'Other people are morons!'    Shhhhhh, don't tell anybody I said that.  It's not nice, and I'm not sure it's helpful.  But I was trying to imagine what life was like for a lot of other people.  Maybe like having ear muffs and blinders on....All sensations slightly dulled.  Maybe like being wrapped in protective padding.  People go around not getting hurt, and expect others to be similarly thick-skinned.   But I don't have it, and I get crushed....and they have no idea.

Do you know dogs?  My family are dog people, so this was how I described it to myself.  Labrador retrievers are 'touch-insensitive'.  They were bred to crash through the bush or swim in cold water to retrieve ducks that hunters have shot down.  They are lovely, obedient, good-natured dogs, but they are a bit dumb.  They don't solve problems, they just crash through them.
Border collies were bred to herd sheep.  They are slightly built, nimble and quick.  They are always alert.  They watch their owner almost as closely as they watch sheep.  They are ready to react to the slightest movement of the sheep, or the soft whistle of the farmer.  My sister has a border collie, and it trembles when it hears dishes clatter in the kitchen.  It understands quite complex things and 'tattles' when other dogs break the rules (like when my dog left the yard, for example.)

I don't know if this "Highly Sensitive Person' classification will stand up to further research, but for the moment I'll secretly feel smug.  I don't think I'd choose to experience the world differently than I do, even if it meant I felt less pain.

Typing Out Loud

If you read this blog for just the dating stuff, I'm still as celibate as ever.  This post is about the rest of my life, 'cause I need to think.

I'm actually in a fairly good mood, and wanting to Take Action and Start Lots of Projects!  Who knows when I'll crash again so I might as well use this energy and get something done.  Getting stuff done has the nice effect of keeping the mood up, because I feel capable and efficient!

My sister advised me to just get a job, any job.  It's almost Christmas and there will be seasonal work in retail.  Ugh! I hate consumerism, commercialism and plastic bags, but perhaps I can find something I can stand for 3 months.  I've also put in a few applications for jobs in my field, so just gotta keep looking while I wait to hear back.

Meanwhile, I need to find out what skills/experience I'm missing and try and get that through volunteering or training.  There's some online courses I want to take, and I really need to start researching what's it's going to take to get a Master's degree in something like Art Education or Culture and Heritage.

Mean-meanwhile, there's so much to do I don't have time for a job!  I have previously shared my Joe's Goals page, where I keep track of what I've done every day and score myself.  On an ideal day, I'd walk my dog, and do yoga, eat healthy mostly-vegetarian meals prepared at home, clean the house, make art, drink water, floss, read, and leave the house at least once and walking the dog doesn't really count.  That all takes at least 6 hours!  The problem is that making art is supposed to be my job, that I should be putting in several hours of drawing and creating a day if I want to be any good.

I'm not drawing at all.  I haven't drawn in months.  I keep putting it off.  I should be doing it right now!  Once I start doing it I'll be fine.  There's this fear every time you look at a blank piece of paper. I know I always have to face it and just start doing stuff, making marks, being ok with failing, and next thing you know, you're drawing.  Sorry for changing tenses mid-sentence.  It's Friday and the grammar police are off-duty.

I have several projects on the horizon, so I think I've cleared enough practical stuff out of the way to just sit down and create.  I feel like I've been making process in other areas; I've been out there meeting new people and taking in the arts scene, and now I need to be alone and quiet to process everything I've learned and seen for a while.  Hence all the books.  But I can't just take ideas in- I need to start getting stuff out of me too.  Just draw!   Feel free to nag me next week in the comments!

In the 'Quiet' book reviewed in the last post, the author mentioned that the book was mostly written in cafes. She tried to work at home but it was too quiet or too easy to get distracted.  In a cafe, there's a low level of background noise and stimulation that seemed to be about right for her, plus she could see other people working on their laptops.  So I might try that.  Drawing outings.  Can't bring all my paints and inks unfortunately, but could still get some ideas down on paper.  Plus you never know what you'll see or hear or who you meet just being out in the world.  Still enjoying reading 'Quiet', by the way.

Sometimes I do a 'No Computer for a Week' challenge and I try not to watch TV or use the computer for said week.  (I usually have to check email a few times though)  I even like to play vinyl records instead of my iPod to really get in the spirit!

I'm in one of those moods where I want to make 5 year plans for my life and set goals!  I do this periodically, and am really bad at following through...

Hmm.  I was going to write this whole big thing about activism and me figuring out if I want to be a radical or not!  I found this leadership program that trains people in how to make a difference.  It's a six month program and I've just missed the start date so I'll have to wait until next year.  I think I want to do it, but more about that later.  Like I said, it's Friday night.  So lazy.

Other tidbits.

Our old cat died this week.  He was actually my brother-in-law's cat, but we adopted the cat when Bro-in-law and my sis moved into their condo.  So Cat wasn't with us that long, but he was a nice old cat.  Death is very weird.  One day fine, the next day gone.  I didn't cry, just had some reflection time.

Walrus' mom got hit by a car.  She's fine!  No broken bones, no concussion, but she's very sore and taking the week off work.  I have been meaning to visit her, but can't bring myself to do it. (Been using a mild cold as an excuse.)  They truly are the unluckiest family.

I see Walrus at choir and maybe once a week outside of that, due to some extra choir events or us actually making plans together.  I think it's ok.  Wondering if we need to 'talk' about us being just friends... He called me 'dear' once more.  I'm just ignoring it.

Book Review Times Two: "The Social Animal" and "Quiet"

I think book titles should probably be underlined, not in quotation marks, but on the internet that means hyperlink so I don't know what to do.

I realized I am desperate to talk about books with someone.  Sad face.

I am reading all these books, I have stacks of books everywhere, in some kind of desperate attempt to learn how the world works and to find my place in it.  I want answers.  I read books that are vaguely self-helpy or about human psychology, and I read a lot of books about politics, the environment and saving the world.  I have lots of new ideas that I want to discuss with someone to see if they're any good.  Some ideas are political- I used to talk to my brother about this stuff but now he has two babies, so he's unavailable.  Some ideas are personal and I talk about them here, to myself and to the great anonymous Internet.


Review #1  The Social Animal, by David Brooks

I have been meaning to write about this book for a while, but now I've returned the book to the library and won't be able to go into as much detail as I wanted to.  Brooks is a writer for the New York Times (and a few other highbrow publications.) He undertook this massive project of looking at all the latest research in neuroscience and psychology and applying it to every part of human life- our experiences at school, work, and relationships to the bigger picture stuff of politics and culture.  It's an attempt to understand the unconscious mind and how the way the human mind works shapes human life.

He does this by making up a fictional couple, Harold and Erica, following them through their lives, so the book reads like a bad novel mashed up with a psychology text book.  At first I thought their story was a great frame for all the research but after a while I grew tired of it.  It makes the reading choppy.

The human brain is so cool though!  Every few pages I found something to think about.
The two things that stood out for me:

One of the early chapters has Harold's parents meeting and falling in love, and the stuff that goes on in our brains when that happens.  If you find the book in the bookstore, maybe find that chapter and read it (until the store owner starts to frown at you!)
Brains change when they interact with other brains.  That means who I am is not a finished product that I broadcast to you when we talk- who I am is CREATED by my responses to your brain, and vice versa.  It's not just brains in love, it's every interaction with other people, but imagine two brains spending a lifetime together becoming more and more alike.

The second thing was the overlying theme of the whole book.  The rational, conscious brain is only a tiny part of how we operative.  The conscious brain is level 2, and it rests on a foundation of the unconscious brain and our emotions.  The world is so complicated, we are getting so much sensory input, that the unconscious has all these processes to sort information for us, to make split second decisions.  It's necessary so we don't go crazy, but occasionally the unconscious brain does weird things.  If people are shown five pairs of nylon panty-hose in a row on a counter and are told to pick the highest quality pair, they always pick the one on the far right, even though they're all identical.  If people are given a mug they are told is worth $5, and then the researcher offers to buy it back for $7, they usually choose to keep the mug.  And the book has example after example like that (mostly from research on how people buy things- don't believe for a second you've made a rational decision when shopping!)

At the end the author notes that people aren't all that rational, and they are TERRIBLE at predicting what decisions will make them happy.  Will you be happy with this purchase, this job, this partner a year from now?  You simply have no idea, so just trust your gut and dive in.

Review #2  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

I've only started reading this one.  I am a classic introvert who prefers small groups and deep conversations. The book tells me what I want to hear.  Extroverts rush into things!  Everyone thinks Extroverts are smart for doing all the talking at meetings, but that doesn't mean they are! Extroverts live in the moment and can't reflect!

It feels good to bash extroverts, because they're usually the ones getting all the glory, but the premise of the book is that both (all) types of people have something to contribute.

Cain explains her theory about why introverts get the short end of the stick.  When everybody lived on farms, it didn't really matter whether you were an introvert or extrovert.  It mattered if you could get your crops to grow and it mattered whether you had good character.  That changed when people moved to the cities to work in business.  Suddenly you had to be a good salesman, good at selling yourself.  'How to Win Friends and Influence People" was a best seller.  Self-help books talked about being charming, being magnetic, being a personality rather than being honest and ethical and hard-working.

So that got me all fired up.  Society doesn't value me!  It doesn't value good character!  It doesn't value deep thinking!

When I was in school I had to take a 'leadership' class.  We went on an outdoor survival trip- a three day hike in small groups.  In that situation, physical fitness became a sign of leadership.  I was the slowest person, so I wasn't respected.  But, I was a Girl Guide for 10 years!  I know how to camp.  I can tie knots and pick the best spot for the tent.  I couldn't get anyone to listen to me.  One young man was a 'natural leader' and he did take charge, but he didn't always have good ideas and he didn't look for the talents of other people in the group, but all the others were happy to follow him.  Happy to sleep in a soggy tent too, I suppose.  It was such a miserable experience.  I should have quit school right then, instead of doing two more years with those people.  It was like high school all over again.

I can see why oratory skills are admired, and confidence, and being fun at parties but I am a damn smart cookie and can be a leader too,quietly.  I hope the book helps me find out how to do things my way.

Quote of the Day

I found this weird little book in the library.  "The Chairs are Where the People Go" by Misha Glouberman and Sheila Heti. It was in the career section with all the 'What Colour is your Parachute' type books.  It doesn't belong there.  Basically the writer (Sheila) knew an interesting guy (Misha) who knew about a lot of weird stuff so she got him talking and she typed.   The book covers 72 topics, everything from theatre improv to spam to making friends.
Would make a good blog!  Maybe I'll branch out and offer Eleanorisms on every topic that interests me!

Anyways, here's the quote, and it is about love.

"I had certain ideas about what kind of person my girlfriend might be....I think the way I'd always thought this sort of thing worked was that you had some sort of imaginary person in your head and then you'd meet someone who was pretty close to that imaginary person, but it turns out that what worked for me was meeting a person who didn't correspond to anything in my head at all but was something new that came from the world."
-Misha Glouberman

Mini-updates, very minor

I got my pixie cut finally.  I had a hard time explaining to the stylist that I won't use a blow-dryer, flat-iron or any product that comes in plastic bottles in my hair.  I'm sure he thought I was crazy.  It's a good cut though.

I think I am getting sick again.  Sigh.

Hopes raised and then disappointed in the job search.  I applied to do another volunteer thing for yet another festival and right away they called me an offered me a paid position as Volunteer Coordinator.  Turns out my 'boss' from the internship I did in September took the job and then left after two days.  So of course I called her and it turned out they were so disorganized she quit.  I think I will have to turn this one down....

I see Walrus quite a bit and we text frequently.  It mostly feels fine.  I noticed we still are fairly comfortable with touching each other (in not sexual ways) and sharing food.  I still fuss about him.  There is a tiny bit of emotion that can surface at odd moments.  When he gave me my birthday present (a hat) I hugged him and I think both of us out of habit moved for a quick kiss and then stopped ourselves.  I sometimes wonder what we get out of the friendship.   Maybe it will fade away as he builds his new life.  Am I still trying to rescue him?  I think yes, to some degree.

My internet has been cutting in and out for a week.  Makes me realize how much of my life I spend on it.  And instead of finding something better to do, I spend twice as long trying to load pages...

I think I have to do a part two to 'Self Image' but not tonight.

Self image

I'm keeping busy and I have a feeling that if I stop moving I'll have to face the possibility that I don't like myself.

I can only think of terrible metaphors to describe the feeling- like being followed by something shadowy.
I don't know if it's going to catch up with me or if I've actually learned the skills (from therapy after being depressed) to keep these negative thoughts at bay.

It starts with negative feelings about my body.  It seems like I've always got a health complaint- the constant coughing, tiredness, back aches, upset stomachs, etc.  I have PCOS and that comes with its own set of things that have to be managed.  For a while I kept to a very strict diet and the weight just melted off.  Now it's back, and oh joy!, it sticks right around my middle.  I hate that women are expected to be a certain body shape in our society, and I think it's so boring to worry about my weight, but lately it's always on my mind.

There's this digital side to life now- the only way you readers experience 'Eleanor' is words on a screen, but I certainly learned watching Walrus struggle with his paralyzed body how much we take our physical selves for granted.

Walrus has terrible psoriasis that started when he was 13.  He doesn't like to show his arms or legs because of it, and his ears are often scabbed over.  I wonder how much Walrus' psoriasis affected who he is as a person, and how much PCOS has affected me.  Maybe I was slow to grow up because my body wasn't acting like a woman's body should.  I didn't get help for years because I was embarrassed to talk about it.

In short, I don't feel attractive right now and that's a major roadblock if I want to try dating again.

I'm also not getting anywhere with the job search, or moving out.
And I'm sorta telling myself to concentrate on my health and getting a job, even cleaning the house and then think about dating.  Like, if I get a part-time job I can allow myself to put up some new pictures on OKC and write to some guys....that's the way I'm negotiating with myself right now.  It sorta makes sense and it sorta doesn't.

Nobody said life was fair....

A series of small events, which nevertheless, had emotional impact bigger than you would expect.

I apologize for blogging the minutiae of my life, but I'm in a mood where these little interactions with people seem fraught with deeper meanings.  (I'm not sure if 'fraught' and 'meaning' go together, but what the heck.)

I saw E twice at festival events this week, while I was volunteering taking tickets at the door.  Both times he didn't go in my door, but hesitated nearby.  I just pretended not to see him.  That's immature, but what can I say to him?

The good news is that volunteering is fun.  I talk to other volunteers when I'm working, and I go to events (for free!) with friends when I'm not.  I'm keeping busy!

I took a woman from choir to an event, and afterwards we went to get some food.  Ended up talking for three hours!  She shared some personal stuff, and I did too, to a lesser degree.  Have you ever just found yourself just spilling your guts to someone and regretted it later?  I did find myself worrying a little afterwards if I'd said too much.  I think it's okay.  We were just sorta 'insta-friends' and that might have been more her idea than mine, but I think she's cool.  So, I made a new friend.  Another small achievement!

I'm going to volunteer with an arts education organization next, just one afternoon a week, starting next week.  I really think they're a good fit for me, so I hope it leads to other opportunities.  I'm a bit worried about committing to this when I don't have a job.  It means I can't do a regular 9-5 gig.  Not that I like those anyways....

And I realized this week that all these volunteering things I do have given me a pretty good idea of the arts scene in my city.  I know lots of people now.  That's gotta pay off sooner or later.

So that's the good.  Slow, slow progress.  No results yet, but every day, a better understanding of myself and what I can do and the resources I have available to me.

I should be feeling pretty good, but sometimes I still get attacks of the sads.  Obviously, not having an income is a huge worry.  I get envious when I see my siblings with their families .... I want to know which way I'm headed in life, and soon.  The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming sometimes.

And then there's Walrus.

Dear readers, I know getting back together with him is not a good idea.  I know that.  But I want to be friends with him and that's what I've chosen to do.  I ask that you respect that.  Even though what I say next is going to sound contradictory...

He was withdrawn when I saw him at choir this week, and it felt awkward.  Also he was smoking when I first saw him, and that always annoys me.  He felt like a stranger and excuse the crassness of this, but I tried to imagine that um...his penis had once been inside me, however briefly, and that was surreal.   That's a long way from being in love with someone.  I toy with the idea of reconciliation when we text each other, but every time I see him I know it's not right.

But I still care about him and later that night it came out, in another one of our famous texting conversations.  He said he was very tired that day, couldn't sleep.  He told me old friends of his had just had their first child, and they were going to make Walrus the boy's godfather.  But the baby was born not breathing, without a heartbeat.  They were able to resuscitate him, and everyone's doing well now.   However, it's too early to tell if there was brain damage.

Walrus has been not sleeping all week over this.  He hasn't seen the baby; his friends live in another province.  But he just got so angry that a baby had to start life fighting to breathe...fighting for his chance.
And our friend with the brain tumour is not doing well.... and Walrus has had his share of bad luck as well, as you know.

His godson.  Brain damage.  Just like him.  You can see how that would sting.

Life is not fair.  It is a long way from fair and you can rage all you like and there's nothing you can do.

I said to Walrus: you'd better not be thinking you're cursed.

Because he once told me he thought he was....he didn't remember telling me that and I told him how much it scared me at the time.  Then I said, "Walrus, you've had more than your share to deal with, but you keep trying to see the positive and to be a good person and that's all you can do.  You're doing fine."

And that seemed to please him and we said goodnight.

Another Week

My sister-in-law had the baby.  A boy.  No name yet.  

Two kids at age 21.  I can't even imagine....

My friend from choir, the one with the brain tumour, he's in the hospital.  I don't know how sick he is.  I should visit him...

And those are fairly big things. 

Perspective.

In my small little world, I did the little festival on the weekend.  Walrus was going to come, but then he didn't plan his time well and didn't make it.  How different from last year....that was when I met his parents and he met my mom and sis, and it was the day when I thought we were 'official'.  

But he called me 'dear' again, when he told me he wasn't coming

I need to think.

O Magic Eight Ball...

...or tarot cards or palm reader or newspaper horoscope columnist, tell me my future.
I know I'm in a mood when I start looking for answers in the horoscopes...

But I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME and I WANNA KNOW NOW!  It's so UNFAIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I've had lots of temper tantrums and lots of sob-fests this summer but nothing happens.  Today has been particularly moody.  Thank you hormones.

Quick updates.  Wrapped up internship.  They said I was 'a gem'.  'Capable'  They praised my sense of humour.  Huh?   Anyways, it was a not-bad experience in the end, and I've got four new facebook friends out of it.  That's almost like an achievement.

I'm volunteering for another major festival for the next two weeks (one of a few hundred other volunteers), and am also helping with another little festival this weekend, the one I worked for last summer.  Yeah, I know it's confusing that I work/volunteer for all these nameless festivals but I want to keep my anonymity.  (Did I really spell that right?)

If  nothing else, I am busy.

Still jobless, and getting a bit worried.  Mom was talking about her new job at a family dinner, and said the car and major appliances are all breaking at once and she can't afford to fix them.  (Did I mention Mom's working two days a week?  She's been off work for years so this is a good first step) I want to contribute to the household at least, if I can't afford to move out yet, and I wouldn't mind having a working dishwasher again....

I know logically a job should be my number one goal, but I have a continuous pity-party going because I'm single.  It took everything I had today not to text 'I miss you, you stupid bastard' to Walrus.  A romantic message if ever there was one.  I skipped choir this week, and so haven't seen him, and so didn't receive my birthday hat (see previous post)

Eleanor, have you forgotten what it was like?  On the one hand, spooning and kisses and love poems, sure, but on the other, he was always late, spent your money, poor hygiene, and didn't recycle!  And that's a partial list!

Oh but I want to be special to someone again!  Whine whine whine!

Two months in, I am no longer 'fresh meat' on OKCupid and hardly get any messages.  I know I should put new photos up but uh, updating the resume is probably a higher priority.  And online dating is a legitimate way to meet people, but it's not the only way.  I'd rather it was Plan B.  There is no Plan A.  I guess Plan A is get a job and a life and move out.  Oh.

I mention OKC because it's almost like reading the horoscopes.  It's a way of daydreaming about what comes next, of possible futures for me.  Who is a 30-something single male online-dater and what does he want?  Do I have what they want?

At the moment I don't see anyone I can imagine being with...I had an immediate reaction when I read Walrus' profile and I thought about him a lot.  (Let's not question my taste, that's not the point.) He contacted me before I was brave enough to contact him.  I've never initiated contact, actually.  That's not the point either.

The point is, I use this pictures of single men to imagine my love life, my Something-Better-than-Poor-Old-Walrus, my Someone-Worth-Waiting for... It's not working.  I can sorta imagine Something Better, but it's basically a blurry montage of old Hollywood movies and soft rock ballads.  I can't imagine it when I read descriptions of real men.  Me and ....that guy?  Kissing?  I don't see it happening.

Some possibilities:  1.  The good ones  really are all taken.  These are the leftovers.  2.  I have unrealistic expectations.  I am looking for a male version of me.   3.  I have some self-esteem issues and am pre-rejecting myself for these men.

Sub-possibilities for number 3:   a.  I should stop self-sabotaging and just write to men than interest me in any  way.   b.  I should concentrate on getting a job and being independent and that will fix self-esteem issues and I will be in a better place to begin looking for a romantic partner.

or c.  I should stop analyzing things to death and go to bed.

The significance of a hat

I was out with a friend yesterday for a wild night of watching the new Dr Who episode (Yeah, I'm nerdy) and Walrus was texting me a bit.  He said he's bought me a hat for my a birthday, one of those 'cloche' style hats that were popular in the 1920's.  I haven't seen the hat yet, but I hope he didn't spend a lot of money on it.  And why did he get me a gift?  Does he think we're getting back together?  It seems unlikely that he's just thanking me for being a good friend...

I probably should be beyond this stage at this point, but in my mind I am analyzing what would need to change to make a relationship with Walrus work.  It's a fairly long list.  I hope this process helps me learn what I need in a relationship and helps me move on.

I admit there's a small part of me that would consider getting back together with him.  Considering it isn't the same as doing it though.  Buying me a hat doesn't fix things!

Alright.  Now what happens?

Online Dating Horror Story Links

http://www.phronk.com/search?q=horrors+of+internet&max-results=20&by-date=true

http://stfucupid.tumblr.com/

Another Wacky Week

In which I go to a party, have a lonely birthday, see Walrus again, and find out when my mother lost her virginity....

End of the festival party:  I'm not good at parties.  There was a part halfway through where I got overwhelmed and sat by myself, right in the middle of the crowd, and just watched.  I won the costume contest.  ( I was Princess Leia.  The crowd actually started chanting 'Leia!  Leia' as soon as the contest was announced.  It was very embarrassing)

Then some people started dancing and not knowing what else to do with myself, I danced a little.  I'd leave if the music got too 'house' but if they played some oldie I'd go back.  Now, I generally don't dance in public.  I bend my knees in time, and think I'm dancing, but it's like my body is frozen.  But, in a Princess Leia costume, the day before my birthday, I just started having fun.  I don't think I'd want to watch footage of me that night, but I was jumping around and just not caring.  And the other dancers knew all the songs and sang along.  For once I wasn't a snob about people being sincere about pop songs.  I could sorta see why people like drinking and dancing... It makes you feel alive.  And while I'm not rushing out to a club this weekend to experience it again, I at least saw another point of view....

Cleaning up after the party took well into the night, so then it officially was my birthday. I missed the last bus out to the suburbs so I stayed overnight at one of the other intern's...she was really drunk and threw up three times.  In the morning she was so embarrassed.  She was really nice and I felt bad for all the mean things I said about the Other Interns before the festival.

My birthday sucked.  I slept all day.  I tried to get a small gathering together and all I got were a bunch of 'maybes'.  The only confirmed guests were a girl from choir and Walrus.  Um.  Awkward.  So I canceled that.  Spend the evening doing laundry and applying for jobs.  My mom didn't even cook me a birthday dinner.  She made herself eggs.  Sigh.

At least my choir had cake for me at this week's session and sang me birthday songs.  It was the first time I'd seen Walrus in two months.  Wasn't sure how to behave. We greeted each other with a hug but I didn't stand next to him during the singing, then ended up next to him anyways later in the evening.  I still fuss over him, getting him a chair, picking up his cane when he drops it.  He went and helped himself to cake about halfway through the session, which I thought was rude.  If nobody else had touched the cake, I certainly wasn't going to.  But he always ignores those social cues if there's food or drink around...

So after choir Walrus and I went to this show.  It was right next door to where we meet for choir and featured a comedian we'd previously seen together.  I'd been trying to get somebody to go with me for weeks, and then Walrus seemed so disappointed when I canceled my birthday plans, so I asked him to come.  He was going to be at choir anyways... And I paid for his ticket, supposedly as a 'loan'.
Yes, I know this is a weird way to see your ex-boyfriend.  Really, I know.
He enjoyed the show.  The audience was invited onto the stage at the end, and no one moved, except Walrus, who clomped his way onto the middle of stage quite unabashedly and starting looking at the unusual instruments.  I followed, but stayed to the side of the stage.   Then the rest of the audience joined us...

Afterwards I waited with him at the bus stop and he talked about what's going on with him.  He's signing up to volunteer for a stroke organization, and applying for financial aid to go back to school.  At one point I was telling him about winning the costume contest and he one-arm hugged me and said 'Good for you, dear!'  and that's bothering me a bit, obviously.

Well, there might have to be a conversation about that.  No, I don't want to get back together.

He told me some anecdote about him getting so drunk he passed out in the bathroom and his ex trying to get in to pee, but he was blocking the door.  She'd hit him with the door and he'd groan, so she left him alone and peed in the kitchen sink.  He thought this was a funny story.
I would have reacted so so so differently than the ex.  He was going to spend his life with this woman?

On another topic, I got a free couch this week and it's sitting outside on the front lawn.  Trying to clear a spot for it in mom's basement, I knocked over a box of her mementos from her high school/college years.  Found notes from her old boyfriend.  One of them said, 'Would you like to engage in sex this evening?  Check one box' followed by three boxes all labeled 'Yes'.  One note might have been about a pregnancy scare in her college years.  Others were about fights and emotional messiness that didn't make sense to me, but must have been intense for the parties involved.

Reading these gave me a weird feeling, and I put them away.  Mom was sexually active in high school.
(So was my sister - She gave me a box of old greeting cards she thought I could use for crafts. In it, I found a note from her friend congratulating her on her first time.)
I also found a necklace with a Women's Lib medallion in Mom's things.  Just weird to think of who she was then and who she is now.
And weird to think of teenage love and to not have that experience.  Or a shoebox full of notes to remember my youth by.  I have two love poems from Walrus though.

Anyways, I'm very tired and I don't know what to do with all these thoughts.  I'm sad that I have no one to talk to, no one to celebrate my birthday with.

Crankypants

Festival is over, (I survived!) but we're doing clean-up stuff this week.  Everyone is very tired and cranky.  I am frustrated by the lack of organization.  I believe many workplaces suffer from a similar problem though.  Nevertheless, I think I was openly rude today and I don't like it when I give in to those feelings.

The festival manager came by and spoke to me (not about being rude! new paragraph, new topic).  I was praised for sounding confident and in control when I had walkie-talkie duty during the festival.  Thanks, but were you expecting less from me?

Walrus and I had a late night conversation yesterday.  He asked me out of the blue what my deepest fear was.  (Rejection and failure and sharks!)  Today we talked (alright, texted) for a long time about him accepting his stroke.  So, don't know what the rules are for the friendship at this point.  There is some contact, most days.  Who knows.  It might hurt a little, but not being friends with him might feel worse.

I went to write back to E, just now, and found he's deleted his OKC account.  Well!  I feel a bit bad but I can't help you if you can't wait three days for an answer.  Ok, it wasn't going to be a good answer.  But still.

Canceled on the job interview this week when I read the email more carefully and realized they wanted me to jump through all these hoops.  All these hoops on my side, and I've only dealt with a computer on theirs.  I was supposed to email my answers to standard interview questions and then attend a group interview and play games!  What is this nonsense? I didn't really want the job.  Maybe I should have gone for it.  It's working with kids.  I don't want to do that anymore.

Trying to throw myself a little birthday gathering so I don't sulk about being alone.  PRO-ACTIVE!

Yeah, I really was cranky today but I seem to be okay now.  Tomorrow's going to suck though.

Horoscope

Alright, I admit I have a weakness for horoscopes.  And this one is a doozy.

Your wishes and social life have run into a quiet, subtle brick wall for the last 2 to 3 years. This has taught you a lot (or puzzled you no end) and you still have long-term adjustments in attitude to make, but October 5 will dissolve this wall to a large degree – you’re going to make more friends, soon. Meanwhile, use the gentle wisdom of this week (and Sunday-Tuesday’s events) to study why the “dry spell” happened. (Hint: romance, and a major change in type of friend, are involved.) Lie low, deal with government, charities midweek. Your energy, magnetism soar Friday/Saturday.

Breeders 2

Warning- this is an eco-rant that will bore most people but is of real concern to me.  It also deals with me wrestling with how my environmental concerns separate me from social activities, maybe that's more interesting.  Oh and at the bottom there's a little update about E.

Yesterday was the baby shower for my sister-in-law.  She started a meet-up group for moms in their twenties a few months ago.  She was very strict about the 'in their 20s' part and wouldn't let anyone over 30 join.  Cheeky 21-year old brat!  So young and doesn't even know it.
Her mommy group threw the shower and they were kind enough to invite my sister and me, and our mom.  However, even my sister, who had her first child in her mid-twenties, was shocked at how young they were.

They had gone to a lot of trouble and had decorated and baked and devised stupid games for us to play.  There were 8 children there under the age of 3.  I was the only childless woman there (my mom had grown children, obviously, but still had pregnancy and baby stories)  I like kids, but I got overwhelmed and started on my "7 billion people is quite enough thank you" rant.  In my head, of course.
I saw a cartoon once that had parents holding out a new baby to some onlookers.  The caption was 'We heard there was a shortage of these'.  Self-congratulatory breeders, ugh.

I am so bitter.  In my heart of hearts I must admit I would like children of my own.  I like babies and I do want to hold them.  Oh, I'm sure there are unresolved issues there.

But I am in the grip of this frenzy about the future of the planet and human civilization.  I won't go into it, only that I am pessimistic and believe that the next generation is going to get stuck with a lot of problems and not enough resources to solve them.

All the moms there except my sister and one other used disposable diapers.  One of the games involved mashed up chocolate bars in diapers and smelling them to see what kind they were.  I was so upset at the waste (of plastic and of chocolate!).  I was upset at the gift wrap, greeting cards with little bits of foam and glitter on them, the gifts she received all made of plastic.... I even hate balloons.  Who hates balloons?

I feel like an extremist.  I see everything as wasteful.  The baby's not even born and it's already filling up landfills for the next thousand years.  It should be a happy event, and I will be a good aunt when the child arrives, but inside I am critical.  The moms acted out of kindness in throwing the party for my sister-in-law; they aren't bad people, they just don't see any problem.

So I'm already an introvert, with mild social anxiety, who can't do small talk.  I don't need to believe that Western Civilization is evil.  But I do.  I think it's shallow, wasteful, exploitative, and leading us to our doom.
So you know, I'm lots of fun at parties.
And hypocritical.  I like flush toilets as much as the next person!
I know there are other people out there who share these concerns.  Maybe I just am an outsider and need to find others like me.  We'll go live on a homestead or a commune or something else suitably hippy-dippy.

Update:
E wrote to me and apologized for being quiet.  He said he does that when he meets new people.  Sure, I can sympathize, but we've been writing for a month.  I guess it wasn't fair that we met on my turf and ran into my friends.  Still.  There was zero connection.  I gave Walrus a second and third chance but I don't want to do that anymore.  It makes me feel desperate.  I don't know.  Introverts work on a different system and everything takes longer but I still have the idea that there should be a connection.  Anyways, E invited me to see a movie and I don't want to go.  I guess I'll have to answer him sometime.  Maybe tomorrow.
Online dating's not really working for me.  Nobody's even looking at my profile.  I didn't think I was that bad-looking...

Nope

Just a quick update.
Do you remember the character Steve Urkel?
Probably a sign the date is not going well, if you're suddenly reminded of Steve Urkel.

E was short.  5 foot seven, my ass!  Guys, don't add inches to your height. I am 5'9".  If you round up, you're going to look ridiculous when we meet.

He had a funny little voice.  Oh I'm sure he was perfectly nice but I wasn't attracted to him and he was a bit dry and I did all the talking.  In fact, I started rambling.  It was The Eleanor Show, starring Eleanor!
I felt big and loud and messy and sweaty.

And since we were at the festival, we ran into my friends, and lots of festival people.  I didn't realize when I made the invite that by the end of the festival I would have been seeing the same people every day for a week and gotten to know them.  Doh!

Anyways, I'm not sure what happens now.  After the show we walked to his bike and we just stood there until I figured out he wasn't going to walk me to the bus stop and I said good night.  Maybe he was just as glad it was over as I was.

I'm dreaming of meeting someone that just makes my heart go 'YES'

I did some mental comparisons to Walrus.  I was so excited to meet Walrus, so disappointed when I did.  But somehow Walrus was more like what I think I want than this guy...and I don't know how to define what it is.  It isn't just that Walrus is tall, haha, it's something about...depth.
It's hard to explain.  I guess I have to find out what I don't want to find out what I do want.  Tonight made me see the good things in Walrus, which is weird.  Maybe I'm just looking to the devil I know, rather than the devil of 'OHMYGAWD DATING IS SO HARD'.

And I admit I started a texting conversation with Walrus on the way home, supposedly about choir, which I missed today.   He started a conversation with me yesterday....It doesn't make me sad anymore but I don't know what the point is.  It's sorta comfortable and he's so bored.

Go ahead and scold me for breaking my rules about contacting Walrus.  I am so unbelievably tired at the moment.  The rash?  Turns out I'm allergic to the antibiotics.  I've just worked 7 days in a row.  Just found out I have another job interview booked, on my birthday!

Something's bound to go right sooner or later, no?