Predictions

If I could know the future, I wouldn't ask who the love of my life was; I'd ask when I'm going to meet them. How many more nights alone?  If only I could count down the days...

I'm six weeks away from having been single for a year.  A summer away from turning 32.
I'm not getting anywhere on my goals!
Well, at least I'm employed for the summer.

I was looking at photos on facebook of someone's travel adventures, and realized I never even think about travelling.  There are lots of interesting spots within my province, just a few hours away.  So I turned to the internet, and I found a workshop on building natural homes that's really unbelievably affordable, just waiting to see if I can fit it into the summer work schedule.

Wow, over and over again I have to realize that I'm in charge of my life and I have to stop waiting for people to make things happen for me.  I want to be responsible and work hard but I have to have some thing to look forward to as well.  I can do the things I love, and do them now, not as a reward in the distant future.  And the reality is I have to do them alone, but that's okay.  Better than playing computer games alone.

Never heard back about rescheduling that job interview, fingers crossed that that still happens.

Last night I went to an information night about a new alternative education program...I don't really know how to describe it but it's two guys (who have done some amazing stuff in their lives) who want to teach young people how to set up a non-profit or co-op or collective or social enterprise.  Something that will make the world better but still pay a living wage.  The course is several months long, a few days a week and costs a few thousand dollars.  It's very reasonable, but still a big commitment.   And if you train for the better part of a year, you have to use that training!  I didn't take an application form, but I'm still thinking about it.

It's funny because my dad had a series of businesses when I was growing up, and the money flow was a roller coaster ride.  When I was old enough to see how stressed my mom was, I said I would only marry a man with a steady job.  No entrepreneurs!  (I thought I would have a steady job as a commercial artist in film and television.  How little I knew!)

But now I'm dreaming of starting my own thing.  Everybody always said I was like my dad, and I never understood why.  (Aside: I'm still not speaking to him.  And last week the courts decided he owes my mom a lot of money and he might not be able to pay it now.  Who knows what will happen?  My mom is feeling the victory is a hollow one, very ugly outcome from a marriage that lasted 25 years.)

I feel like I have this need to be a leader, a changemaker, to be in charge of something, to be special.  Ok, that's always part of being an artist, but now I want to be working with people.  I seem to think I'm qualified.  Underneath this there is a huge gaping hole of fear that I am not likable, lovable, that I have nothing to offer.

I'm changing how I see myself, and how I live.  Who knows what's going to come of it, but at least I'm taking charge.