So, it was Friday we hung out and it was awkard and nothing was said. Saturday and Sunday we had online chats for hours about nothing at all, tv shows and sci-fi books. Monday I got my car and wrote to tell him. He was a little bit mean about it 'god help us all!' sort of jokes, and one other exchange about him winning the lotto also got a bit of a snippy comment which he then retracted.
But I was going crazy from the uncertainty and pushed on. Thursday night he had said such vulnerable things, seemed so sad and affectionate, it seems liked we were just a breath away from getting back together.
I started out with 'We're doing the friends thing' and he said 'there's a but in that sentence'
I should have asked more questions about why it happened, instead of leading with an ultimatum.
Because it turned into me going 'don't throw this away' and him saying 'it's broken'
It was not very dignified.
I shouldn't even be thinking so much about strategy. If he wanted to be here, he'd be here.
I fought for him as much as I could.
Not sure what to do now. I'm looking for places to live, with roommates, and a bunch of nice sounding ones turn out to be mere blocks from his place (where we used to live together). That would be crazy-making, to know he was so close, to see his car...
I want to start writing to people on dating sites, just to force myself to move on, but I know I'm not healed and I wish I had the housing/job stuff more figured out.
So much work to do. So sad right now.
Tuesday, 29 March 2016
Friday, 25 March 2016
he doesn't know what he wants
I felt like I was being jerked around by his vagueness of reasons, his suggestions that things could change in a few months. I wrote an angry email saying no more, I'm done.
He apologized. He said he was confused, that my letter to him was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for him. And then we started talking. I forgave everything instantly.
He said the reason was that I wasn't going after what I want, that he got tired of watching me drop the ball, tired of me being unhappy.
There have been several long chats (using online messaging) this week about the problems in our relationship. Last night's was four hours and made us both cry.
He said he didn't know what he wanted from a relationship. I asked if he knew what I wanted.
His answer: Comfort. Companionship. sex. intimacy. apple crumble.
Not bad, actually. He knows me better than I give him credit for.
At one point I joked we should go for late night donuts.
I asked if he would see me, and he hesitated.
Later he asked what I meant. "Not your house. Somewhere neutral. We talk in person, like we're doing now."
This morning, he asked if we could go get those donuts.
So plans were made for late afternoon. And when I tried to hug him he drew back.
And we spent several hours together, in public places, shopping, eating. He shared his food with me. I told him little tidbits about work and family and BUYING THE CAR THIS WEEKEND!
It was awkward and so familiar.
And then when it was time to go home, we hadn't talked, he had a tummy ache and we just looked at each other sadly. So much torment.
When i got home I wrote 'all this talking has to lead to a mutual decision to separate or we fumble our way back to each other'.
He said, 'I blame today's failure on my upset tummy'
So....what was that?
He apologized. He said he was confused, that my letter to him was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for him. And then we started talking. I forgave everything instantly.
He said the reason was that I wasn't going after what I want, that he got tired of watching me drop the ball, tired of me being unhappy.
There have been several long chats (using online messaging) this week about the problems in our relationship. Last night's was four hours and made us both cry.
He said he didn't know what he wanted from a relationship. I asked if he knew what I wanted.
His answer: Comfort. Companionship. sex. intimacy. apple crumble.
Not bad, actually. He knows me better than I give him credit for.
At one point I joked we should go for late night donuts.
I asked if he would see me, and he hesitated.
Later he asked what I meant. "Not your house. Somewhere neutral. We talk in person, like we're doing now."
This morning, he asked if we could go get those donuts.
So plans were made for late afternoon. And when I tried to hug him he drew back.
And we spent several hours together, in public places, shopping, eating. He shared his food with me. I told him little tidbits about work and family and BUYING THE CAR THIS WEEKEND!
It was awkward and so familiar.
And then when it was time to go home, we hadn't talked, he had a tummy ache and we just looked at each other sadly. So much torment.
When i got home I wrote 'all this talking has to lead to a mutual decision to separate or we fumble our way back to each other'.
He said, 'I blame today's failure on my upset tummy'
So....what was that?
Sunday, 20 March 2016
his answer
He wrote back today. I read it in a mall, on my phone.
Well, it's no use.
He said he decided early in January to end it but waited until a certain project of mine had launched. Just to remind you, he proposed in mid December. So I had about two weeks of a real engagement, and one month of walking around wearing a meaningless ring. January was so shit. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I cried all the time.
The email goes on to say that I should just work on me, for my own sake and not so we get back together. He won't tell me what the problem was. Is it better to know or not?
He does talk about hoping we could still be friends and then he talks in a complicated way about second chances...he's not saying no, but he needs to move on, he doesn't want to promise me that, and yet he ends with let's come back to this in two or three months when we're healed.
Not cool, not cool. I have to go away and fix myself and maybe we'll get back together but he doesn't have to tell me what to work on or talk about how he might have contributed to our problems.
Why do i even want him back?
Well, it's no use.
He said he decided early in January to end it but waited until a certain project of mine had launched. Just to remind you, he proposed in mid December. So I had about two weeks of a real engagement, and one month of walking around wearing a meaningless ring. January was so shit. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I cried all the time.
The email goes on to say that I should just work on me, for my own sake and not so we get back together. He won't tell me what the problem was. Is it better to know or not?
He does talk about hoping we could still be friends and then he talks in a complicated way about second chances...he's not saying no, but he needs to move on, he doesn't want to promise me that, and yet he ends with let's come back to this in two or three months when we're healed.
Not cool, not cool. I have to go away and fix myself and maybe we'll get back together but he doesn't have to tell me what to work on or talk about how he might have contributed to our problems.
Why do i even want him back?
Thursday, 17 March 2016
uncertainty and waiting
it's been six weeks.
I am still at my mother's. I am trying to buy a car, but the process is slow.
I am working too much.
I have seen Nerdboy a few times. He's sent texts that suggest he's in conflict about this too.
When we see each other, it's been for practical reasons, and he's made excuses to stretch it longer. Oh wait, I do too. One Saturday we saw each other four times (for 'forgotten' items')
Last week I got a 'do you hate me?' text in the middle of the night and I decided it was time to stop 'poking' at each other's feelings and just talk.
I wrote a big letter....in internet memes.
Hey, I was trying to speak his language.
And the day after I sent it, we had to meet to separate a shared account. and I asked him if he'd read it, and he sort of avoided the question...he'd read parts of it, he seemed to approve of the meme-gimmick, he went on about a hidden meaning I'd missed from a meme I used....
Two days later he wrote that he had read it and needed time but he intended to respond.
I should be mad. I should be telling him I deserve better.
I think he's going through some sort of crisis. I can't be mad. Doesn't make him a good partner.
Just now I remembered a fight we had about me using 'his' craft table. You have to understand how small our apartment was- other than the coffee table and our two computer desks, that was the only flat surface.
And even though I've been missing him and yearning for him and being absolutely willing to work through this together, tonight I'm thinking a man who won't let his fiancee sit at the only table in the apartment isn't good enough for me.
I am still at my mother's. I am trying to buy a car, but the process is slow.
I am working too much.
I have seen Nerdboy a few times. He's sent texts that suggest he's in conflict about this too.
When we see each other, it's been for practical reasons, and he's made excuses to stretch it longer. Oh wait, I do too. One Saturday we saw each other four times (for 'forgotten' items')
Last week I got a 'do you hate me?' text in the middle of the night and I decided it was time to stop 'poking' at each other's feelings and just talk.
I wrote a big letter....in internet memes.
Hey, I was trying to speak his language.
And the day after I sent it, we had to meet to separate a shared account. and I asked him if he'd read it, and he sort of avoided the question...he'd read parts of it, he seemed to approve of the meme-gimmick, he went on about a hidden meaning I'd missed from a meme I used....
Two days later he wrote that he had read it and needed time but he intended to respond.
I should be mad. I should be telling him I deserve better.
I think he's going through some sort of crisis. I can't be mad. Doesn't make him a good partner.
Just now I remembered a fight we had about me using 'his' craft table. You have to understand how small our apartment was- other than the coffee table and our two computer desks, that was the only flat surface.
And even though I've been missing him and yearning for him and being absolutely willing to work through this together, tonight I'm thinking a man who won't let his fiancee sit at the only table in the apartment isn't good enough for me.
Friday, 26 February 2016
a crack
small updates
i was lurking on okcupid but then decided to put up the briefest of profiles and a mysterious photo.
Why? Don't know. Not ready to meet these men.
Got a bunch of likes and generic 'hey nice profile' messages. A few directed at me but they mostly made me roll my eyes. Starting off with 'I'm socially liberal and fiscally conservative' does nothing for me...
Hey single guys, if your profile picture features you in a Halloween costume, you with a bunch of guys, you with a bunch of women, holding a beer or holding a fish you just caught, I move on.
(EDIT: just read an article on what makes an effective dating profile. Apparently photos of men with a woman in them make the man more desirable. And basically everything I don't like (generic language, short messages, names that sound cutesy/sexy for women) are what the majority of people like. This proves my theory that most people operate on a much shallower plane than I do.)
I work through March, solid. weekends too. Now I get money? Universe, you are messing with my head.
No car yet. It's overwhelming but I going to need it to get through March.
Nerdboy cracked a little. My mail is still going to his house, he suggested he could meet me at a bus stop as I bussed home from work. (There were ways he could get it to me without seeing me but this is what he picked). So there was texting to time it up, and he handed it to me through the door of the bus. Then he texted 'sorry if that was awkward. I thought you'd want to keep moving.'
Then he said 'part of me wanted to invite you back but it's way too soon.'
Instant tears, on the bus.
'Don't.....' was all I wrote.
i was lurking on okcupid but then decided to put up the briefest of profiles and a mysterious photo.
Why? Don't know. Not ready to meet these men.
Got a bunch of likes and generic 'hey nice profile' messages. A few directed at me but they mostly made me roll my eyes. Starting off with 'I'm socially liberal and fiscally conservative' does nothing for me...
Hey single guys, if your profile picture features you in a Halloween costume, you with a bunch of guys, you with a bunch of women, holding a beer or holding a fish you just caught, I move on.
(EDIT: just read an article on what makes an effective dating profile. Apparently photos of men with a woman in them make the man more desirable. And basically everything I don't like (generic language, short messages, names that sound cutesy/sexy for women) are what the majority of people like. This proves my theory that most people operate on a much shallower plane than I do.)
I work through March, solid. weekends too. Now I get money? Universe, you are messing with my head.
No car yet. It's overwhelming but I going to need it to get through March.
Nerdboy cracked a little. My mail is still going to his house, he suggested he could meet me at a bus stop as I bussed home from work. (There were ways he could get it to me without seeing me but this is what he picked). So there was texting to time it up, and he handed it to me through the door of the bus. Then he texted 'sorry if that was awkward. I thought you'd want to keep moving.'
Then he said 'part of me wanted to invite you back but it's way too soon.'
Instant tears, on the bus.
'Don't.....' was all I wrote.
Thursday, 18 February 2016
struggling
Well it's sinking in that things are over. I still hope, still daydream he'll text me and I'll run to him.
It wasn't working, I love him. both things are true and I'm confused.
People tell me the next one will be better and ...there was room for improvement...
but I still have to grieve the end of this.
And because I was told to 'get my shit together' and my shit is definitely not together, I'm freaking out about my lack of success. Back at Mom's, found a bunch of my old notebooks and all the lists of goals, exactly the same as what I write today, still not any closer to achieving any of them.
34 years old and my assets include a bunch of art books and my childhood collection of 80s My Little Ponies.
I work a few hours a day teaching six days a week, I'm always on the bus. I'm stressed.
I wanted to do my own art but this schedule which is supposed to support that is the thing getting in the way of it.
Professionally, I've gotten a lot of 'noes' and 'you're not ready' and I'm so crushed. I need experience, need to feel like I have some marketable skills, and yet every day I deal with other people who are really not good at their job and I wonder how they got the position.
I had a little bit of savings locked up and they just came due this week. This was the money Nerdboy wanted me to go back to school with. But I want to buy a car.
I run around the city, carried bags of art supplies, it's poured rain this week and I have to wear gumboots and a slicker. I arrive looking a mess, sweaty, with soggy papers.
A car, a car, a car. Just a little $2000 beater. It would give me freedom, it would give me something to build on for my teaching. I could put a graphic on it advertising my classes.
I told my mom last night and she dumped on the idea. Insurance is so much! You can't afford it! The car won't be reliable!
And I started to cry and cry. 'I can't have a house, I can't have babies, I can't even have a stupid car."
Mom said, "You can have those things, you just need to regroup for a few months"
My mom is bad at comforting. she doesn't hug. She says awkward things.
My mom is maybe depressed or mentally ill, she doesn't clean the house and she shuts down a lot when she doesn't like what her children are up to.
I just cried on the couch and she went to bed without saying anything. Today she texted she was worried. My sister said, 'Huh. That's more than I ever got'
What does she expect me to do for these three months, stuck here in the suburbs and commuting 16 hours a week. yes I know the car is a financial strain but whatever job I get I'll need it.
and I don't ever see a house and babies in my future.
Sometimes my dreams seem so small and so far away. I picked art over those other things....but what is it getting me.
It wasn't working, I love him. both things are true and I'm confused.
People tell me the next one will be better and ...there was room for improvement...
but I still have to grieve the end of this.
And because I was told to 'get my shit together' and my shit is definitely not together, I'm freaking out about my lack of success. Back at Mom's, found a bunch of my old notebooks and all the lists of goals, exactly the same as what I write today, still not any closer to achieving any of them.
34 years old and my assets include a bunch of art books and my childhood collection of 80s My Little Ponies.
I work a few hours a day teaching six days a week, I'm always on the bus. I'm stressed.
I wanted to do my own art but this schedule which is supposed to support that is the thing getting in the way of it.
Professionally, I've gotten a lot of 'noes' and 'you're not ready' and I'm so crushed. I need experience, need to feel like I have some marketable skills, and yet every day I deal with other people who are really not good at their job and I wonder how they got the position.
I had a little bit of savings locked up and they just came due this week. This was the money Nerdboy wanted me to go back to school with. But I want to buy a car.
I run around the city, carried bags of art supplies, it's poured rain this week and I have to wear gumboots and a slicker. I arrive looking a mess, sweaty, with soggy papers.
A car, a car, a car. Just a little $2000 beater. It would give me freedom, it would give me something to build on for my teaching. I could put a graphic on it advertising my classes.
I told my mom last night and she dumped on the idea. Insurance is so much! You can't afford it! The car won't be reliable!
And I started to cry and cry. 'I can't have a house, I can't have babies, I can't even have a stupid car."
Mom said, "You can have those things, you just need to regroup for a few months"
My mom is bad at comforting. she doesn't hug. She says awkward things.
My mom is maybe depressed or mentally ill, she doesn't clean the house and she shuts down a lot when she doesn't like what her children are up to.
I just cried on the couch and she went to bed without saying anything. Today she texted she was worried. My sister said, 'Huh. That's more than I ever got'
What does she expect me to do for these three months, stuck here in the suburbs and commuting 16 hours a week. yes I know the car is a financial strain but whatever job I get I'll need it.
and I don't ever see a house and babies in my future.
Sometimes my dreams seem so small and so far away. I picked art over those other things....but what is it getting me.
Thursday, 11 February 2016
maybe i don't want him back
just some thoughts to myself. when i'm sad I hate to be alone. My friends all checked up on me last week, but tonight no one is answering and today has been rough.
I work 6 days a week, and since the break up I've had things to do on my day off as well. So not time to process, my work needs me to be 'on' and smiling.
Last weekend Nerdboy drove boxes of stuff to mom's. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time and we unloaded the boxes. That went ok, so I went back with him for the second load. We sort of know how to be around each other, sitting in the passenger seat felt normal, and yet everything was changed I did ask him how he was doing, who he'd told, if he drank (just once, he said)....There was a third trip to the recycling depot and he stopped by his, formerly our, place. I sat in the car. He came back with a sandwich for me and I lost it. Waaaaah, he's being nice to me.
Then laughed. "It's really hard to cry and eat"
I also saw him briefly Sunday when I went by for forgotten items. I had a horrible experience, I'm running these recycling workshops and rented a large venue. Then the venue got all mad because I had used some plates from the kitchen. They wouldn't let me wash them. There's more to the story, but anyways- I ranted to him about it.
How easily we could slip into being friends...I thought.
is that good or bad?
Monday there was texting about a craigslist item. He said he'd be happy if he sold three items. I snarked about him being happy. Silence for a few days. One practical texting about mail today.
Right, because everybody needs the play by play of every interaction.
The point is, I hate being at Mom's. I don't think I can forgive him for dumping me here. If you're not here for the bad times, why would I come back to you when I'm more successful?
And was I getting what I want? Not kisses, not sex, not emotional closeness, not even a friggin' 'How was your day?' There was friendship, there was affection, there were small kindnesses but I waited so long to be loved. I wanted to be adored.
I hate the thought of starting over, but maybe it's good if I sleep with more than one man in my life. Maybe I could find someone who is so interested in me we stay up all night talking...And hey, maybe I'd find someone who actually likes kissing with tongue.
I opened an OK Cupid account just now. No picture, no profile, just a lurker. Gosh, everyone is so good looking. Only a few people I recognized from last time I had an account. A lot of polyamory, don't think that's my thing.
I look like shit right now. Size 14, almost 200 pounds. Scruffy thrift store clothes.
And yet, one bright side, work continues to pour in. I don't have the energy these opportunities deserve, but I can't let them go by.
I work 6 days a week, and since the break up I've had things to do on my day off as well. So not time to process, my work needs me to be 'on' and smiling.
Last weekend Nerdboy drove boxes of stuff to mom's. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time and we unloaded the boxes. That went ok, so I went back with him for the second load. We sort of know how to be around each other, sitting in the passenger seat felt normal, and yet everything was changed I did ask him how he was doing, who he'd told, if he drank (just once, he said)....There was a third trip to the recycling depot and he stopped by his, formerly our, place. I sat in the car. He came back with a sandwich for me and I lost it. Waaaaah, he's being nice to me.
Then laughed. "It's really hard to cry and eat"
I also saw him briefly Sunday when I went by for forgotten items. I had a horrible experience, I'm running these recycling workshops and rented a large venue. Then the venue got all mad because I had used some plates from the kitchen. They wouldn't let me wash them. There's more to the story, but anyways- I ranted to him about it.
How easily we could slip into being friends...I thought.
is that good or bad?
Monday there was texting about a craigslist item. He said he'd be happy if he sold three items. I snarked about him being happy. Silence for a few days. One practical texting about mail today.
Right, because everybody needs the play by play of every interaction.
The point is, I hate being at Mom's. I don't think I can forgive him for dumping me here. If you're not here for the bad times, why would I come back to you when I'm more successful?
And was I getting what I want? Not kisses, not sex, not emotional closeness, not even a friggin' 'How was your day?' There was friendship, there was affection, there were small kindnesses but I waited so long to be loved. I wanted to be adored.
I hate the thought of starting over, but maybe it's good if I sleep with more than one man in my life. Maybe I could find someone who is so interested in me we stay up all night talking...And hey, maybe I'd find someone who actually likes kissing with tongue.
I opened an OK Cupid account just now. No picture, no profile, just a lurker. Gosh, everyone is so good looking. Only a few people I recognized from last time I had an account. A lot of polyamory, don't think that's my thing.
I look like shit right now. Size 14, almost 200 pounds. Scruffy thrift store clothes.
And yet, one bright side, work continues to pour in. I don't have the energy these opportunities deserve, but I can't let them go by.
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