Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Ok, everyone.  Primal scream time!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooga!

Feel better?

No, me neither.

I'm not depressed (I don't think) but a week ago I was thinking about my Five Year Plan and The Future and Big Things and now I feel bogged down in other people's problems! And mine too.

Where to start?

I wrote to Dad saying I was upset he claimed I cost my mom $700 a month, living with her.  I said don't blame Mom for telling me.  He wrote back "I'm sorry Mom brought you into this."  Ummmmm....that would be blaming her, would it not?
He said the lawyers came up with the number and I should not take it personally or be involved.
I actually had some doubt- wasn't sure if I had the right to be mad, I only hear Mom's side of the story, and not too much of it...maybe my father was being reasonable.
Naaaaaaah......

Saw my Walrus last night and was happy to see him in his old thrift store jacket looking so cute.  Gah!  Emotions!  Makes no sense.  We had a nice walk, talked a bit about moving to a smaller town...
He's got a big bill to pay so no candy money for him until the next disability cheque...The next month is going to suck for him.  Probably for me too...I hope I can balance being generous with being thrifty.  I don't want to be the kind of person who begrudges spending $5 or $10 on someone but I'm not sure how long this inequality can last without me resenting it.  I did, a lot, but when he said he'd have no money last month, it felt really silly to fret over small change.  I mean, we're talking under $100 here.  Oh, the life of the unemployed!
(I wish my father remembered what it was like to fret about $10.  He's been there, he just won't admit it)

Walrus bought me earrings yesterday.  As a percentage of his income, it's a hugely extravagant gift!  I don't want gifts.  (At the moment I'm trying to give up wordly possessions and consumerism, haha)

Who's next?  Walrus's family has had a hard year.  His mom just got her hours at work cut back to practically nil, and she's bored and lonely at home and is taking Walrus out to shop and run errands for hours every day.  He can't do it, tires him out, but he won't stand up to his mom and when he does say he needs a rest, she ignores it.  She's driving me nuts!

My own mother was pretty badly behaved on Mother's Day.  Everything we suggested she pooh-poohed, and wouldn't say what she wanted, and was generally passive and wishy-washy.

My brother is being somewhat annoying but I can't put my finger on it....Mostly he and his wife just do their own thing unless they need a babysitter.

Love the niece and nephew but don't want to be the babysitting aunt...

That brings me to my problems...
Still looking for a job.  Even an interview would be exciting.
Have an idea about starting a recycled art material depot for kids...I might research what it would take to get it going, would be good to know about how to start a business.  Maybe I shouldn't even talk about that yet, it's still a newborn dream.
Been working hard to do yoga every day and go to the gym with Walrus. I gave my skinny clothes to my sister and was so sad.  I will get the weight down.  I did it before!
I'm still going around being angry at bad drivers, people who won't give Walrus a seat on the bus, and people or practices I think are wasteful or eco-unfriendly.  That about covers 92% of the population.  So I'm FILLED WITH RAGE every time I leave the house.  This is why we're talking about moving to a smaller town.  I don't think I can take it anymore.

I don't think Walrus can handle the kind of lifestyle I want to live- very hippy crunchy-granola.  We'll deal with that later.  Still have to reconcile his non-recycling habits with my idea of who I thought I'd be dating...

And that's just it.  Poor old Walrus isn't anything like what I thought I'd get.  Not that I could ever get that picture into focus....I had celebrity crushes (Colin Firth!) but a real, flawed and complicated male person who would be everything to me- I had no idea what I wanted, who would like me!  I went a long time without even being interested in anyone, and I didn't seem to notice good looking guys on the street like my friends did.  I knew there was a spot to be filled, a vacancy, but I hadn't written the job description and had no candidates.  (oh gawd that's some bad writing!  but do you know what I mean?  There was me, and there was supposed to be a partner and I just went around being just me because if I thought about being half of something that wasn't there I cried.)
Well that's hard to explain.  I don't know why I never dated and sometimes I just get so mad.  Why?  Why? Is it my own fault?  (and that's impossible to face...) Or just the mysterious workings of the universe?

The point of all this is that sometimes I look at Walrus and wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who didn't have quite so much baggage, someone who really cares about the environment like I do--- a male version of me?  Is that my dream guy?

Being with Walrus is a lot of work.  It feels good to say it.  My sister did warn me all relationships are...

I have nothing to compare it with, except being alone.

And sex.  For years I wasn't sure that it wasn't all a big pretense, like Santa Claus.  People didn't really do that, did they?  And imagining me....under some guy...in the act....(blush)  I couldn't.  Heck, I've tried it and I still can't imagine it happening.
I'm determined to have a sex life.  I've decided it's my most solvable problem and I'm researching toys.
I'm going to get comfortable with my body.  It's time.