I'm a very negative person, I have to say.
I don't like any foods. I think most books and tv and movies are crap. LOLcats piss me off.
I think the way we live in North America is DESTROYING THE EARTH AND OUR SOULS.
So, you know, I'm a ton of fun.
I want to write about the future and positive things but first I have to get this stuff off my chest.
My mom is not working and is possibly depressed, but in any case she's not functioning that well. I live with her. The house is a mess; all my life we've lived in a messy messy house. Not quite 'Hoarders' but enough that I was and am embarrassed to bring people over. I don't know what Mom does with her time but nothing gets done. She plays a lot of solitaire on the computer.
My father stopped paying alimony to my mother. He sold his business and started a new one that isn't making money yet. He said he can't afford to pay my mother. Then he took a trip to Mexico. His new wife doesn't work. They drive a BMW and a Lexus.
My mother took my dad to court and lost. The judge basically told her, "you got screwed. That's life." My dad claimed in a court of law that I cost my mother $700 a month, living with her, and when I moved out she'd need less money. Seeing as how I pay for my own clothes and entertainment, and a share of the gas and groceries, I don't see how that's possible. I don't like being used as a weapon against my mother either.
The amount Dad and New Wife claimed as their monthly expense was more money than I've ever made in a year, and I could probably live on for two.
So I'm not talking to him but he just thinks I'm too busy to respond to his calls (reports my sister and brother)
I guess I'll have to write him a letter telling him I think he's unethical and not someone respect or I look up to.
I'm still looking for a job, and not all that hard, but I'm working on getting some certifications this week and next. Applied for two yesterday.
Attempts to have sex are going nowhere. Walrus is not often interested in sex and he says it's all his medications and his fatigue but he used to be a lot more interested and I feel inadequate. Last time was a complete failure and wasn't fun for either of us. I tried to ask him what he wanted and he must have been embarrassed because I didn't get any useful answers from that. I don't really know what will make my body relax enough to make sex possible but I know we have to take it really slow. I thought I explained how vaginismus worked and what I needed from him but obviously I have to tell him again. I suggested we get a sex toy and he agreed.
Today Walrus went into Starbucks for a smoothie. I don't like Starbucks simply because it's a huge chain, and I hate disposable plastic containers. Then he threw out his plastic cup instead of making sure it got into a recycling bin and I was upset. I've made him watch all the documentaries on zero waste and plastic pollution- he talks a good talk but he doesn't follow through in his actions. He admitted he doesn't really care that his cup isn't going to be recycled.
It made me feel like this cause that is so important to me is just a silly mania I have and he merely humours me. Personally I think he couldn't justify not recycling other than convenience. Pure laziness.
I don't know if I can tolerate it. How could I live with him?
My sister married a man who doesn't recycle and she's trained him the best she could, but he doesn't care and never will. Garbage is garbage and who cares where it goes when it's gone.
I'm frustrated. I want Walrus to recycle because it's important for the Earth, but he won't even do it to please me.
I'm so critical of him. I say really negative things all day long when I'm with him. The way he eats, the way he's wasteful, and always late, and the LOLcats he posts on facebook....
He's changing his habits. He can't be expected to change everything at once. But, he doesn't see anything wrong with a lot of his old habits I suspect...
I felt today he had such good principles and he's let them go so far astray. He's not selfish in his ideas for humanity, he wants to go into politics and help people, but he'd eat all your secret candy stash if you left him alone! He's also a bit too willing to let me pay for things.
Today I felt so far from being in love with him. I felt like I could end it.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! What am I getting out of this relationship? What would happen to him if I broke up with him?
It's such a roller coaster- tomorrow he could be wonderful again and I'll forget all about this...And if I don't want to do it anymore, how do I break up with him?
I'm crying. This is too much to deal with at once.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI've just caught up on your blog. I relate to so much of what you're saying! Right now, I'm where you were at the beginning of your blog--just starting out with OKC (except I'm 31 and never had sex instead of 30). Of course I have no advice for you, and even if I did, I wouldn't pretend that there's any reason you should take notice.
I just want to thank you for writing this and putting it out here so honestly. Wondering if you're in love, admitting you might not be but saying it anyway, and sticking it out. None of us imagines that that's what our relationship will be like.
I'm also with you on Starbucks, plastic, and the disposable, convenience-above-all-else lifestyle. Moving on to another kind of plastic... (tmi ahead)
A couple years ago, I finally researched and purchased my first vibrator (phthalate free) and lube. Even though I chose the "slender" model, there was no way that thing was fitting up there. I found it difficult to coordinate toy and lube and still relax enough to reach and maintain any arousal. So I've just been using it externally. Recently, I became determined to prove to myself that it can fit. Just as you had mentioned when reading up on vaginismus advice, I climaxed without the toy first (as a kind of warm up), then inserted one, two, and three fingers (I'd never attempted three before), then the lubed vibrator. I also had a cushion under me to tilt my pelvis up because I sometimes feel like the angle might be part of the problem. Anyway, it worked, and I finally managed to get the whole length of it up there. It wasn't on, and it was rather like a gynecological procedure, but I did it. Then I left it there for a bit and just tried to relax and breathe and let everything stretch the way it should. I felt mighty proud of myself. Good luck!!
Thanks for your comment (and on the other posts as well)
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful for the internet! Reading others' stories has helped me feel less alone and answered questions that I would be too shy to ask anyone in real life.
I have over 4000 hits on this blog! I don't know who reads it but I hope it helps someone. I do it just because writing helps me figure things out.
TMI: For my homemade toy, I have been using a candle covered in a lubricated condom. It feels weird. Not painful, but almost, and not pleasurable but almost. I've never climaxed, ever.
I'm going to assume that in your internet research you've come across the-clitoris.com (or something similar in the books you've mentioned). I discovered this site many years ago and find it very empowering. It's worth exploring--there's a ton of information there. It took me time and practice to figure out what I needed to do to climax (getting familiar with my clitoris being the most important thing). I remember in the beginning, even though I was relatively sure I'd located it, I was discouraged because nothing seemed to be happening. Eventually, I just told myself to relax and kept going until finally there were stirrings... Getting a battery operated toy might be helpful for you so you can explore the clitoris without, you know, your hand getting tired. And that way, the whole area of the vulva is stimulated easily, without worrying about penetration, and it's pleasurable in its own right.
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal to come to your blog and vent. No one thinks you're like that all the time, I sure as hell am not half as neurotic as my blog makes me seen. However, if you actually feel like you're generally negative all the time, that's a clue that you need radical change.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm reading a book while I'm going through your story and ever since you've started dating Walrus, you've been in a terrible place. Even though I know this blog is one-sided, I still feel like you're putting in way too much effort. I wonder if Walrus would recover better if you weren't there for him? From what I know of stroke patients (my dad is one), the more you let them be by their selves, the more they advance in their recovery. If you're nursing him, you may just be hindering his progress even though it's out of good intentions. I hope that by the time I get to the present, it's either dramatically been fixed or he's out of your life.