I just got back from seeing Newfie. I had a good time, not a great time. Still not even a hug!
It was a beautiful sunny day. We went to see festival of music from another culture, so fairly new to both of us. It was way out in the boonies. We met on the bus, so it didn't seem weird not to hug for a greeting. I paid for admission to the festival but he paid me back when he got change. We left for a while and had a walk and talked and found a place for lunch. He asked for separate bills, then asked me if that was okay. We went back to the festival. There was some fun music and people got up to dance. I saw some friends on the dance floor and tried to get him to come up, but he stayed put. I danced with my friends one song, but I have a hard time just letting loose on the dance floor, especially if he was watching, so I went back to sit with him. I doodled a bit on a napkin and we made some chitchat but it's hard to talk over pounding music. I could see him yawning and he said he'd had enough so we left. He could have taken a shorter way home but he took the bus with me the long way, although when I asked if he minded, he said 'Seems the polite thing to do'. Don't be too enthusiastic! He did apologize for being out of it- he had a crazy busy week. We were talking and I nearly missed my stop, and he didn't stand up to hug me as I got off, just said, 'thanks for a fun afternoon.'
I'm disappointed- I thought we might clearly establish that this was a date, and it didn't really feel like one.
He did talk about shows he had planned for the future that I 'was welcome to come to' and books he'd lend me. Conversation was good. The whole day just felt pretty platonic and I sensed that as soon as we paid for festival admission.
So right now it feels like this isn't going to go much further, although I'm not totally giving up hope.
sigh. I don't know how to flirt and I don't know what to do next.
ReplyDeleteIt would have been a mistake to expect a Harlequin-style passion play straight away. Bodice-ripping savages look amazing on screen, but in real life it is much more subtle. He can feel shy or unsure what to do (and what if you get angry with him?), or he might have had a relatively strict upbringing when too much physical contact wasn’t the thing to do – anything could be the matter.
Him insisting on paying separately may be a bit unusual from the cultural perspective where I am from; however, if he knew that you are a feminist, perhaps it was his way of trying to win you over.
With dancing again – he may have been concerned if he makes a fool of himself on the dance floor and you would find him silly, so he did not join in. Speaking from experience, when dating has just begun, it’s best to stay away for a while from potentially tricky scenarios requiring skill or panache (restaurants serving tricky foods such as sushi or spaghetti; sports or activities that need definite skills; and so on). It’s actually the same thing for business lunches and interviews – we have been advised to select a more laid-back place for lunch so that the interviewee or client feels at ease and can show themselves as they are. Dating is just the same.
If you say that it was difficult to talk because of the music, why not to make the next date a total opposite – in a quiet environment where you can talk as much as possible? See what he makes of it.
Of course, you would have wanted something more fun, romantic and roller-coaster thrilling. I would have, anyway. Any normal young woman would have wanted that. This is quite the trouble with modern men – the world has become a touch too casual, and one is never sure about whether to treat X as a friend, or potential conquest, or fiancée to be – just out of fear of being wrongly interpreted. My advice to you would be: just go with the flow, without placing too much expectations on any particular date; go to see him when you are in the mood to hang out, and see how it develops. It may be better to adopt a lighter approach to this particular fellow: if he is serious, it will happen – and otherwise, there are myriads more guys out there, and it’s a good experience to learn more about men in any case.
There is also no need for you to “flirt.” It is simply a stereotype being reinforced, that you must be all bubbly or flirty. As a matter of fact, a lot of men would not actually consider such “airheads” for a serious relationship (if this is what you want). Be warm, sociable, relaxed and kind – and don’t worry about hair-tossing or lip-licking – in real life, it often simply looks contrived and foolish.
On flirting: I don't think it will be useful here. Men decide fairly quickly on sight whether they are or are not attracted to someone. I see flirting as a way to show someone who already finds you somewhat attractive that you're interested...this gives them the confidence to pursue you, if they're not sure you're interested. But since you've already been on two dates with Newfie, that doesn't really apply.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that Newfie isn't totally disinterested in you, but thinks he has better options out there and is distracted by trying to pursue them. From what you've said, he has an active online profile. One aspect of online dating, which can be negative or positive, is that it gives you lots of "options", so Newfie might like you, but be checking out other women or setting up more dates online as well...so when he appeared disinterested at the festival, it might not be anything to do with you - he just might have spotted other people he finds attractive, and be distracted by the options. All you can do is be yourself, and keep checking out other people online as well!
I have a suspicion that the best approach here would be to match his interest level. If he looks like he's going to "fade away" without explanation, fade away too! If he misses you, he'll get back in contact; if he doesn't care enough to miss you, you know the relationship wouldn't have worked out, anyway.
I don't have hair long enough to toss- I meant 'flirting' as in whatever I need to do to show I'm interested. Gentle teasing? More eye contact? I think there were times when he was talking about other stuff we could do together and I simply said, 'sure' when I could have said, 'Yes I'd love to'. And how to break down the barrier so that touching and hugs and kisses are a possibility? I merely stood close to him.
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