Body Language

I'm a little bit stung by Newfie's rejection, polite as it was, but I didn't cry and I think I'll move on quickly.  I am more upset at myself for getting an Attack of the Shys when we met up that morning.  The lack of a hug when he greeted me really threw me off.  Hence the body language discussion- that 5 second physical act might have changed the whole tone of the day.

This morning we covered Conflict Resolution in my community leadership class and we had a really great guest speaker.  I'd love to go into all the stuff we learned, as a lot of it could be applied to personal relationships, partners, family, children etc.  I'm just going to quickly capture my thoughts on what he said about body language and listening, since he talked about them as they apply to dating.

Body language is 60% of the conversation, possibly more.  When you're in sync, your body language will be similar to the person you're talking to.  It shouldn't be a perfect mirror, because they will pick up on the creepiness of that, but most likely subconsciously you will lean forward when they do, cross your legs when they do, if the conversation is going well.  It's called matching.  When we say, "I like you", we really mean, "I am like you." (or so said this guy today.)  Matching body language signals that you are similar to others in the group.

(This doesn't work for a kid/adult conversation because the adult is big and overpowering.  Get low down, side by side with a kid and don't look at them and they'll tell you anything.)

Then we talked about listening.  Listening to someone is a gift.  Everybody wants to be listened to, and they will start to value you, the listener, more over time, because if you are more valuable to them, the rewards of having you listen to them grow greater as well.  Does that make sense?  The speaker explained it better.  Basically, people will start to like you more and more and they won't know why, if you are a good listener.

We did an exercise where we had to tell a partner about something we loved, and our partner had to deliberately ignore us, look away, play with their phone...it felt awful.  Then we did one where we had to show we were listening and it felt amazing.
Eye contact is so important.

Not to dwell on it, but I think on the date, circumstances prevented us from having eye contact.  We were always sitting or walking side by side, or because of the way the tables were arranged around the stage, at one point I was sitting behind him.  When we actually faced each other at lunch I remember being surprised by the eye contact.  I think I looked away.  Anyways, long story short, there wasn't much opportunity for deep listening or matching body language, so it's not surprising there was no spark.  I don't know if a different activity for the date could have convinced him we were a match, but I will keep it in mind for a learning experience.  If I get feeling shy enough, my body language reveals this, and I start to mumble.  I only did it a few times that day, and caught myself.  Overcoming shyness has been a long haul for me...

I need to not feel apologetic for who I am, and be myself.  Give that person my attention, without faking it.  Be clearly enthusiastic.  Match what they do.

Ugh.  I hate dating.  But I am determined to do it.  I joined a bunch of Meetup groups this morning and I will try to attend at least one event from each group.  I will try and do one new outing weekly, whether it's one of these group events or going to a cafe by myself for some sketching.  If I do everything I'm planning this week, I'll go to life drawing, a zero waste event, women's soccer, and an urban sketching club next weekend.  Plenty of new experiences!  Life drawing isn't new, I just haven't been in a while.  All of these things are Capital-G-Good for me or reflect my interests so even if I don't meet people, I'll benefit.
Take risks, try new things.  It's exhausting!  Hopefully I'll find some things that I'll stick with long term.

Keep on truckin', Eleanor.  Keep on truckin'.