This just sort of sums up where I'm at these days. I'm so furious at how selfish everyone is, I can hardly venture out into the city without building up a seething rage. And then I realized I was (sorta) in the wrong, and I cannot tell you how embarrassed I am by this incident. I was trying to do the right thing by obeying the speed limit -not everyone knows when school holidays are- and the guy was still wrong to pass me illegally rather than waiting out the half a block left to go, but I still feel foolish.
I am so angry all the time.
I think our society is sick and has lost its morals, but there might be a better way to respond when the world bumps into me.
I remembered my tidbits I wanted to record.
1. That I am still coughing. I took antibiotics and had another allergic reaction. My chest is covered in red bumps. It is hard to feel pretty with oozy spots on your torso. And yet I'm still coughing. This interferes with any hope of exercising or housework. I am so tired of being sick in this undefined way.
2. I found a book called 344 Questions, which is a sort of visual self-help book for creative types. Uh, I'd better just show you a picture:
One question that struck me was 'How can you push yourself further?'
Whimper.
3. Appearances. (ha. The word almost starts with 'a pear....') This is a muddy topic for me. I don't often wear makeup, and only started wearing it at all a few years ago. I do shave my legs and armpits. For some reason I almost enjoy plucking a few stray hairs from my brows. I have short hair and glasses. I shop at the thrift store. My usual outfit is jeans, tee, sneakers, Often these have paint or glue on them- when I'm making art I don't pay attention to what I'm wearing. It was a big step for me to try skinny jeans and boots- out of the comfort zone for sure. The boots don't even have heels! And yet I do own dresses, and enjoy wearing them.. I have a 'pretty dresses' board on Pinterest with over 500 pictures on it, so obviously have some interest in fashion.
I can't decide what makes me decide to make these choices. Am I lazy? Am I busy thinking of loftier things? Is it my feminist beliefs? Is it my environmental beliefs (what is in make-up anyways?) Is it that I don't see myself as someone who is fashionable? Is it because I value substance over style? Or is it some desire not to be noticed?
I am an artist and I understand how important presentation is, and yet I'm not very good at it. I sometimes rebel against it. "Content!," I cry, "It's what's inside that counts!"
I grew up in a messy house, so I think that's part of it. .
And when I was ten years old, I went over to a friend's and she practiced her make-up skills on me. I'll bet I was a sight. I'm pretty sure the eyeshadow was blue. When I got home, my mother was quietly and terrifyingly mad. She told me, 'Successful women don't wear makeup." I said hotly, 'What about actresses?', went to the bathroom to wipe it off and then to my room to cry. And I didn't attempt to wear makeup again for 15 years...
I would like to be creative with style. Feminine, even. I would like to balance that with a certain practical-mindedness I won't ever be able to shake (which translates to 'sensible shoes' and 'dressing appropriately for the weather/activity'). How much effort should I put into appearances....how much is it affecting my career and dating opportunities?
I don't know. I'm trying to change so many things. From a person who is sick to a person who is well. From a person who is unemployed to a person who has a career. From a person who has never been in love to a person with a life partner. From a person who doesn't exercise to a person who does... Not to mention eats healthy, draws constantly, is never shy, dances in public, cleans house regularly, and doesn't rage at bad drivers, bad manners or bad grammar.
And because I'm me, Eleanor Introvert, I need to consider all possibilities and all the moral implications of each choice. And then blog about it.
"I'm so furious at how selfish everyone is, I can hardly venture out into the city without building up a seething rage."
ReplyDeleteRude people and selfishness bug me too. I realize that that behavior reflects the rude person and not me, but it is hard to not take the rudeness personally.
"I'm trying to change so many things."
Someone else said this in another thread, but take things one at a time. If you focus on everything that you feel you need to change, you'll be overwhelmed. Pick one goal that seems more doable in the near future, work on that and go from there.
"I shop at the thrift store."
Nothing wrong with that! I love the thrift store, and find a majority of cool and unique things there. I notice that wealthy people tend to "discard" something there after one wearing. I have found things there that look virtually new. Hey, their trash is my treasure!
ReplyDeleteConcerning appearances:
What you have just described sounds like a typical “style rut” situation, which happens very much to everyone at some point, especially if you lead a life populated with lots of different interests and preoccupations. When you have work, volunteering, painting and housekeeping going on, it is the easiest option to just pull on a trusty pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, and off you go! Just look at the “real life” photos of film stars – not at a premiere or some ball, but going about their everyday lives. It’s just the same as with everyone else – jeans, sweatshirts, sneakers. Because it’s easy, it’s comfortable, and it does not take up much time to carefully co-ordinate.
A big truth is that actually a lot of guys (and very fine guys too!) like this look well enough. The bouffant hair and micro-skirts are not essential by any means – more like being a specific style (not necessarily the most elegant or attractive), that was developed to appeal to a specific set of people (not necessarily the smartest or the best). If you don’t feel like frilly dresses every day of the week, it’s hardly the option to settle for – any drastic makeover would just make you feel self-conscious, and in turn, less attractive than you really are. My advice? For now, stay with the sporty style, but spice it up a bit. If to wear jeans – let them be a perfect fit in a nice colour and style. If a sweatshirt, why not to pick a bright colour and an interesting design? As for flat shoes, very often there are even more original and attractive designs out there than for heels! Accessories are also a good place to express yourself and have fun – especially since you are an artist. Artists can get away with wearing fun and bright stuff virtually any time of the day! Splashes of glue – but how about keeping a separate set of old clothes specifically for making art in, and calling them “your inspiration clothes?” (I once had a T-shirt for writing exams in – it was an unspoken truth that every exam that I sat in that T-shirt was guaranteed to be passed with flying colours). Read fashion magazines, watching out specifically for the sporty styles you normally wear, and analyse how to put them together. Is there any star who is like you (I mean height, complexion, hair colour) – see how they are dressed, maybe there is something you could “steal” from them. Also – analyse what you need to get dressed for – this is done by drawing a pie chart, with segments showing how much time you spend on a given area in your life. For example: 50% time at work, 25% making art, 20% errands and shopping and meeting friends, 5% special occasions. It would then make it easier to determine what clothes you will need for each sphere (no need to spend on an evening dresses when what you really need is great work clothes to feel good in).
For makeup it is also good to start slowly. One tip – the less makeup you normally wear, the less ageing would be happening to you (I mean as opposing the “masques” you often see on reality show – the black eyes, the fake lashes, the tan). Start with just a few products – a beautifully tinted lip balm, a multipurpose highlighter that feels like pure silk. Check out eco-range and mineral makeup – it is quite environmentally friendly and safe. Watch videos about using makeup properly and creating a natural look – I am a real klutz with makeup, but those videos really help. Successful women do wear makeup – the only difference is that it seldom looks as if they do (I bet your mum was meaning to say this!).
By the way, did you check out eco-beauty and natural fashion blogs? There are many out there, and a lot of them seem to share the values which are important to you!