A week of minor trials and tribulations. The water main on our street was shut off for a day. The cat needed to go to the vet. My cough came back and I went for a chest X-ray. The weather has been depressing.
But every night there is a message from Newfie, and it is the happiest moment of my day. I should try to enjoy the anticipation.
And I am, but I'm also terrified. I want this so much. I can't believe I found someone who seems to check off most things on my list, and is also his own surprising quirky self. And then I tell myself the horrible doubt that I'm not good enough for him.
I've said before, I've never been half a partnership. I've always just been me, alone. So what can I bring to a relationship? Can I hold up my half?
Being unemployed is one thing. That will eventually sort itself out. It's the 'sex is painful for me' thing that is sending me into a panic. When do I tell him?
Eleanor- it's the second date. Just have fun. Don't get ahead of yourself.
Hi Eleanor,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the "just have fun. don't get ahead of yourself" idea. And I also know that's practically impossible!
As for what's making you panic....I've been there, too. I find it helpful to remember that we're the ones in charge of our own bodies, and while they may not always cooperate, we can still do something about it! I know you've already taken some steps by getting a toy, etc. And I want to say, don't give up! Keep relaxing, being patient, and working on it. It's just the same as any other daily/weekly physical therapy--muscles that need to get used to something new; it's just that they're muscles that make us blush. I did some googling when I was struggling with this and found a couple helpful articles. I link to them in my post The (Attempted) Naked Weekend. http://wp.me/p2pPpX-3b Sorry I can't seem to make a pretty link. I think people google "Naked Weekend" a lot and end up there...not quite what they were looking for, I think! There are also (reputable) sex therapists on youtube who talk about this, give advice.
Of course you're good enough. And if it ends up being right with Newfie, you'll just feel that it is. You're both going to have insecurities, just like everyone else, but you'll also believe in your feelings for each other.
Thanks for the encouragement, and for your blogging as well. It's been helpful to read your story as it unfolded.
ReplyDeleteI will revisit your links.
Newfie seems to have the kind of lifestyle I wish I had. He has a good job that uses his smarts, but his real love is music and theatre. He goes to shows all the time. A year ago he gave up meat. He's active, he has a good group of friends, he reads. I've made a big show about being environmentally conscious; I think he just quietly does it. He's very positive and says 'yes' to new experiences.
So I imagine the kind of life I'd have as his girlfriend, and the kind of person I'd be. I'd love to go see more shows. Maybe I'd even go dancing! It would so much healthier than the lifestyle Walrus led. I see a better me with this guy- I hope I see him clearly too.
I found myself wishing I'd already gotten my life to where I want it, so I'd be more ready for this opportunity. To be the kind of woman this kind of guy would want. Here's hoping I am.
Just have fun Eleanor!
ReplyDeleteThe previous posts are absolutely right - just relax and have fun! Dating is a fun experience, if we let go of the complexes and persistent thoughts!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you and Newfie really have some chemistry going - and it's wonderful! Every relationship, no matter how perfect on paper, only has wings when it has that elusive spark, that mojo. You guys seem to have it! It is also very good that he represents this lifestyle that you actually like and want for yourself - a really good relationship would have you develop as a person, broaden your social circle and as it progresses, you would find that your social life progresses too!
Wishing you the absolutely best wishes with everything,
Elf