I just write to keep the craziness at bay.
I have passed through (hopefully am fully through and over) a brief phase of anger at Newfie. Anger that he wasn't generous with himself, didn't share much and didn't dance. Telling me how polite he was being by going fifteen minutes out of his way to see me home!
He was fairly sociable, but he just seemed bored by the whole thing, even as he said it was 'cool'. Let's face it, he was a bit of a poohead that day.
Trying to please someone and feeling like it's not working and you have no idea why- I was getting more and more anxious.
Rather wishing I didn't ask to see him again just for my own dignity, but what can you do? It doesn't really matter in the end.
At least I got up and danced without him. I'm glad I did what I wanted at that moment.
Sigh. It seemed to have so much potential the first meeting. It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. I need to realize he needs to be right for me as well. Also that this is part of dating, and that I've rejected men too. Not a lot, but I have and I didn't handle it any better!
Hopefully this is the last time I will mention Newfie.
I am wondering what to do next. I have said I was going to work on career, health, moving out, art...but I think about finding love until I'm nearly driven mad. It's like I have to learn to juggle all these balls at once, when I should be adding one at a time- but which one first? None of them can wait.
I'm tired of feeling embarrassed about my life. Tired of apologizing and making excuses for where I am. Being confidant and independent is pretty sexy, so I've heard.
I would like to be able to stick to my resolution of focusing on Everything-But-Dating, but I've been hurt by Walrus and want something to fill that hole.
I've poured through the top 15% of matches on OKC and am hard pressed to find three men I would like to contact. Then I looked on Plenty of Fish but the 'matches' seem totally random and basically a bunch of thugs! I don't want to use the internet to date- it has its good points but the relationship always begins with a fantasy. I have this idea that I should get out as much as possible and do what I like and something's bound to happen.
I've signed up for so many Meetup Groups- my inbox is already full of email updates. I will have to cull a few groups in the next few weeks.
I did think of starting a support group for PCOS. There are about 40 women in my area interested in joining one, but no one's started one yet. But I thought it would turn into an infertility support group, and I don't want to be in charge of that. Also Meetup would put it in my profile that I was in said group, and everyone in all my other groups would know I had PCOS. Great.
I am thinking a lot this week about how I want to live, and how I want to spend my time. On a practical level, which extracurricular activities are going to be the most beneficial for me?
I told my friend today about how horrible dating is and how hard it is to meet people and she said, 'But you're involved with so much...it's not like you're not putting yourself out there.'
On a slightly deeper level, from my internet research of the profiles of single men, guys who are into the environment are (usually) also into being outdoors, being active and being vegetarian. I am not. I am sorta working on being vegetarian. Theoretically I like the outdoors but never get there. So just gotta do a check-in with myself about what I value and what I think is fun and what's just old habits. I don't want to set out to change my life because I think it will make me more attractive to men, but maybe I will find out that's who I'm ready to be right now. It's like....do you ever watch 'What Not to Wear'? (It's a make-over show, for those not in North America.) At the end, the dowdy people all like their stylish new image and change themselves to fit it. And that's empowering I suppose, but I always feel a bit sad that the person they were is gone and the world is a bit more boring.
Me going hiking and appreciating nature is a very different change from me dyeing my hair and wearing designer heels, but I just want to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Because the danger is that if I tell myself I have to change everything about myself, that I need to hike or lose weight or whatever, then I might have a breakdown. Is there nothing lovable about me right now? I don't need to 'fix' myself every minute of every day.
To pat myself on the back, I was at a great workshop today about community building and I have a few other new experiences planned for this week. I am learning a lot. I am doing what I can to live life my way.
Speaking from personal experience, it is quite impossible to go into several directions at once and try and cater to several priorities at the same time. It is true that at work or school, our superiors love to use jargon like “juggle” and “balance.” In real life, this is actually a very flimsy idea.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your wish to sort out lots of areas in your life simultaneously. However, with too much going on at once, it would feel like you cannot concentrate, or do anything important. How about you draw a list of priorities – basically, which life areas need urgent fixing right now, and which ones could wait? Jot your thoughts down on paper, if you wish. For example: health and career need urgent seeing to, moving out could wait a couple of months… you understand the principle. Be as precise and as concise as possible about all the issues that need addressing; instead of just saying, “I need to work on my career,” you could say, for example, “I need a job in this area until such and such time, that will pay me such and such money and give me such and such skills.” Then you can also identify what resources or things you will need to sort things out. Don’t be too ambitious. Start with one or two issues that are important – for example, this month you are concentrating on career (or health, or romance) and NOTHING else absolutely.
It is always very beneficial to have a plan for what you are going to do.
Being embarrassed about your own life – please don’t be! You are an artist, you have had a lot more education than an awful lot of people, you have travelled in your life, you can drive, and you have great interests like environment and arts and crafts! Don’t take any notice of silly clowns who always seem to watch with beady eyes and make faces that somebody is not dating, for example. These people just have very little to do in their own life, hence their interest! Try looking at your life from a positive angle: not “I am single and not dating,” for instance, but “I am currently free and looking for that special someone, so I am available for any dates or excitement, any day and any time!” A positive mindset is quite helpful.
As for “fixing” yourself, there is no need to. Try looking at guys as offering you all sorts of adventures and experiences, which you can take up (for example, hiking sounds fun), but changing yourself completely is never a smart thing to do just to pander to a guy. And anyway, you don’t have to tick all the boxes and have identical interests just to have a strong relationship (for example, J R Tolkien was a linguist and intellectual, whilst his wife Edith evidently was not interested in those things at all – and yet they lived happily together ever after; or in Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina,” one of the main male characters manages to maintain an extremely strong relationship with his wife despite her being a worldly, society lady rather than a down-to-earth hard worker like himself). Develop your own interests. Even very trivial and silly ones. If a guy offers you to try something like hiking or new music gigs (as long as it is all safe and appropriate), go for it, and then ask yourself if you like it, but don’t feel that the relationship is doomed from the start simply because you are not as crazy about hiking as he is. You want to expand your world and experience everything that it has to give you, not to tick some silly boxes in correct order!
Why don’t you make this month the month where you expand your horizons and try new things to see if you like them?
Elf