Hoping like a dope

Newfie didn't answer.  I still have a tiny bit of hope, but mostly I'm going through the Rejection Blues.
Oh well.  It was still progress for me to get that far.

I liked him, but somehow couldn't imagine bringing him unto my messy house, my scattered life....some people I just trust not to judge, and I didn't get that feeling with him.  I need someone with sensitivity, someone who's failed and gotten back up again... I don't know.  Some magic quality that I'm looking for and not finding.

I'm really going crazy.   Crazy crazy crazy with longing for someone who picks me.  For a relationship that feels right and healthy and fun.  I HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.

Desperately combing OKC for someone to Crush on next.  Or even three people I think I wouldn't mind meeting and forcing myself to write....I'm too picky.  I am unmoved and uninterested by them all.  Just want somebody to throw all my hopes at- even if they're going to get squashed later, there'll be a few days or weeks of having something to look forward to and dream about.  Because looking around and not finding any potential meetable people anywhere is terrifying.  I want something so badly and I don't know where to start looking.

Finding dates is Problem One.  Telling them about where I am in life at present is Problem Two.  Telling them about my difficulties with intercourse is Problem Three.

After hearing Newfie talk about his sports and fitness activities, I went and looked for some I could join.  Found a women's indoor soccer drop-in near my house, so will try that next week.  I will have no free evenings and no money but I have to exercise.  And that sparked a renewed resolve in me- if I don't want to feel embarrassed about my life, then I have to do whatever it takes to change it.  It will take time, but I need to keep looking for work, and be professional and top of my game at the jobs I do have lined up.  I need to make sure all volunteering and extracurricular activities I'm involved in are a good use of my time.  I need to eat right and get active and lose these extra pounds I didn't use to have.  I might need to think about my appearance more.  And clean the bloody house.

And stay positive and hopeful and try hard not to be cynical and bitter.

A song to hope by, sung by the adorable Blossom Dearie.

Pretending that we'll meet, 
everytime I turn the corner
Pretending life is sweet, 
Cause love's around the corner,
I walk a little faster

Can't begin to see my future shine, as yet
No sign, as yet, you are mine, as yet.
Rushing to a face I cant define, as yet.
Keep bumping into walls, and taking lots of falls

And even though I meet 'round each and every corner,
with nothing but disaster.

I set my chin a little higher,I hope a little longer
Build a little stronger castle in the air
And thinking you'll be there,
I walk a little faster