Alone in a crowd

The festival is over and I'm wired.  I live for this festival.  Best three days of my whole year.
This one was a little dampened though, literally and figuratively.

I cry easily.  This is new, just in the past few years.  And it's not just when things are sad.  No, I am more likely to cry when something good is happening.  I must be so negative about the world and human nature that seeing people being kind makes me blubber.
This festival is how life should be.  People are friendly.  Lost wallets get returned.  Everybody dances badly and nobody laughs.
I found tears running down my face because an old couple was holding hands.  Because a little girl stood on her dad's shoulders and everybody clapped.  Because I thought the gestures of the sign language interpreter were beautiful.
It's a bit ridiculous!  
I saw a friend at the festival and told her about it and she said I was just in an emotional state right now.

I saw Walrus only briefly on Saturday and not at all today.  Saturday I packed an extra mug for him.  He went home early both days, just completely tired out.  We were texting a bit, since I had offered him a ride home any night if he stayed til the end.  (After the break up, we only emailed.  Texting seemed an invasion of privacy or something.  Arbitrary rule, since he gets email on his smart phone just as quickly.)

I have to say seeing him on Friday, the brain injury was very obvious.  Or at least I saw it more than before.  I still care about him, went straight into fuss mode.  I think that means I look down on him a little- I see him as someone who needs help.  I feel bad about that- I feel like a terrible person and even worse, my secret fear, what if the whole thing was ridiculous?
Wait, let's not go there.  That's disrespectful to him.
Anyways, I've discussed at length the various ways I am sad about the break-up.  When I saw him again, I felt very very far from being in love from him.

I saw lots of people I knew at the festival, but mostly I was alone.  I watched groups of friends gather, couples cuddling, young families playing in the grass...This is my eighth year at the festival and I am starting to know more people, but I was really looking forward to having somebody 'with' me.

Despite all there was to see at the festival, I wasn't really able to be present and enjoy it.  My mind was thinking of other things.  Walrus, a little, since I knew he was somewhere nearby. Mostly feeling very sorry for myself.

I said everyone dances at the fest, but I don't because I'm shy.  I want to very much, and I have this idea that my perfect man would get me to dance.  Tears ran down my face and smudged my face paint as I thought about this.

Seeing couples touching and kissing made me realize how little passion Walrus and I had.  We did, for a while, but it only lasted a few months, tops.
I want to be in love.  To the point where no other goals have much meaning.  I would love to be loyal and good to somebody.  I would love to be special to somebody.  Oh please, universe, send me my person.
I'm sure lots of single people feel the same way.  Thousands, millions, of lonely people.   A lifetime partnership, a happy marriage, is still a rare achievement, but it seems such a blessing.

This weekend I finished reading a book 'The Other' by David Guterson.  It's about two men, friends since boyhood.  One leads an average life as a teacher, husband and father; the other opts out and lives as a hermit in the woods.  There's some line in the book about the second character: "Everything was an ethical decision for him.  You just can't live like that!"  That's how I feel about myself!
Also the first character had a long and happy marriage with his wife, and said he took refuge in her, and that made me cry.
I mention the book just because it really got to me at this particular moment, and added to the spontaneous weeping.
My mom got screwed by my dad and maybe she'll be alone for the rest of her life.  My grandma got screwed by my granddad and she has been alone, by choice for the last 40 years.  Seems happy with her decision.  Could I be?
A life partner, children...I'd be happy just for a summer fling so I can get this sex thing figured out.

Lonelier than ever.  Longing, longing, longing for my happy ending