Book Review: Get Over Yourself by Patti Novak

I was pretty good today- exercised, cleaned, went out to a free outdoor concert, sketched people.
I'm home now watching the Olympics on TV and still don't know what to do with my time.  I wish I had a group of friends!  I haven't had a 'gang' since college, and now everyone's scattered, and settling down.   Sigh!

I just read (ok, skimmed) my first dating self-help book "Get Over Yourself" by Patti Novak.  I chose it because it was one of two my library offered as an e-book.  The other was called "Make Every Man Want You".  Hahaha!

I read the first few chapters and then started flipping ahead.  Novak is a matchmaker who had a TV reality show.  She has a 'tough love' kind of approach where she tells her clients what it is about them that might be putting people off- bad table manners, revealing too much too quickly, even bad breath.  Things your friends can't tell you even if they want to!

In book form it's hard to do, so she just has you do a series of self-assessments and then lists red flags to look out for.  I tried to do them.  Listing things I like and don't like about myself was a good exercise, I think.

My Faults, as identified by myself: Anxious, Awkward, Critical, Depressed (at times) Fearful, Hard on Myself, Insecure, Judgemental, Needy (not sure about this one.  I have been in the past), Negative/Pessimistic, Overly Sensitive, Panicky, Quiet/Reserved, Shy, Sloppy

My Strengths: Artistic, Caring, Committed, Compassionate, Curious, Down-to-earth, Empathetic, Good Listener, Grateful, Honest/Sincere, Integrity, Intelligent, Introspective, Kind, Loyal, Organized, Responsible,
(and I would have added more, like 'affectionate', if I wasn't insecure about my role in the break-up.)

Then you were supposed to list your top three qualities needed for a relationship.  I put honesty/trust, willingness to give and be affectionate, and a strong character. Sorta murky definitions.

Her premise is that if you're not having success in dating, you're not simply having bad luck- you're doing something wrong.  You have to find out what it is, deal with it, heal, and really be ready for love.  (Same old thing I hear time and time again- love yourself first)

Several times in the book she mentions losing weight as a solution to dating problems. Not sure how I feel about that.  She says, hey I don't make the rules.  Overweight people won't get as much interest.  She also goes on a rant against atheists that I thought was uncalled for.

Novak urges readers to face their demons- old hurts and fears that are holding them back.  The most common, she says, are Anger, Sadness and Childhood Trauma.  The part about Sadness was the only part in the book I connected to at all- a broken heart takes time to heal, but the wound can get bigger in some circumstances.  If you didn't see the break-up coming, or if you weren't ready to end things- the person just flaked out at the moment you were ready to move to another level of commitment for example, you can really blame yourself or not trust yourself.  You didn't see anything wrong so you're mourning for a person you didn't really know, an idealized version of them.  If other people aren't sympathetic because 'the guy was a jerk and they saw it coming all along' then you will doubt yourself and beat yourself up for not getting it over it quickly enough.  (I might be feeling that....)  If you can't look objectionably at the relationship, at both partners' roles, and learn from it, then you will create a bigger wound where you blame yourself for losing that love.  (Hopefully I can navigate this healing process and minimize scars...)

She recommends therapy for her clients for deep-seated issues.  The book doesn't really tell you how to face the demons once you've identified them.  She goes into detail about fixing tangible issues like appearance or talking too much and how it will help intangible issues.

Low self-esteem and fear is at the root of everything, for everyone.

Later in the book she reveals her top three things for a successful relationship:  respect, sense of humour, and sex.   I don't think I was able to give Walrus any of those things at the end.  :(

She goes into the nitty gritty of what to do and what not to do on a date.  She's very down on internet dating.

I didn't really like the whole tone of the book.
Many of her clients are adult virgins or haven't dated in a long time.  She is not very sympathetic.  She lists not having a relationship history as a red flag for yourself (duh!) and 'living at home over 30' and 'virgin past the age of 35' as red flags in potential dates.  Her advice is that the inexperienced should not blurt it out the first date.  Don't say too much on the first date- the person is still a stranger.  Don't tell them you have 20 cats, or a sexually transmitted disease or haven't kissed any one in 10 years.  Her advice, straight from the book!

Mixed message- know yourself and love yourself and you'll find someone who loves you for you, but be as normal and attractive as possible.  Sigh.  I guess that's the reality of the world.

After reading it, I felt I had the skills to navigate the dating world, despite having not much experience.  At least compared to some of her horror stories. It's mostly common sense.  I suppose I needed to be reminded it's a good technique to hold back negative and personal history for the first bit.  The few dates I've been on have made me nervous, and I'm not much of a flirter.  Practice and the right person should solve that problem.  The biggest problem is that I'm not getting out there, not meeting people, and I don't connect with people easily, so I don't get asked out.  I don't know what the solution is.  If I'm in the right environment I can be very confident, so hopefully if I pursue activities I love, I will be in my element and at my best and ready to meet someone.

Have you read a good dating advice book?  Comments always appreciated.