I'm going to see Walrus on the weekend. It's a big festival I've volunteered for for years, and I made him sign up as well months ago. I was so excited to be going with him, and now it's all upside down.
Is part of me hoping we'll reconcile and get back together? Swear to be friends forever and watch a show together? Maybe.
(Why? Beats me. Why aren't I happier to be out of this thing?)
I'm so nervous about seeing him. I don't want to spend the whole festival looking for him, avoiding him, and crying.
I put him back on facebook. This morning, he posted that he needed a hug.
My friend told me my body would be going through withdrawal. I don't know if that's true. Withdrawal from being touched? Just adjusting to a new situation? She said even if you're glad to be rid of your ex, you still grieve for the feeling of being loved.
I went a long time without love, and pretended I didn't care, so now that I know what it feels like- it's become a craving. I've created a monster! I'll never want to be alone again, and date a whole string of losers!
It's really hot today, and I spent a good part of the day indoors looking at OKCupid. (Really, I need to leave the house. I get really low even after one day alone.)
OKCupid: I fell for Walrus right away after looking at his profile I looked at it several times but he wrote to me first! I did not see any one interesting this time. In fact, they all seemed like people I'd avoid. (is it just timing after a break-up?) A lot of faces I recognize from last fall when I was looking. Some were too geeky, some came across as arrogant. Men in their mid 30's look like men! I mean, they look too old for me and there's only a few years difference. They just look intimidating; there's no way they'd be interested in my lack of experience.
And men talk about sex a lot in their profiles and it makes me blush. It's part of a relationship, I know. It just wasn't part of mine. I've answered 100 or so of those personality questions and I skip the ones about sex. My personality results now show that I'm more political, less old fashioned, less kinky and less motivated by sex. Bit embarrassing. Other people have stuff about kindness and artiness and independence. I'm a political prude! (but somehow not old fashioned.)
No one's messaged me and I've had the account open for a week. It's silly that I'm upset about that! I thought I'd be 'new meat' and get a few.
It's only reinforcing my doubts about doing 'better' and is making me want my old Walrus more. No one wants me, and I don't want anyone. Not the best mind set.
(Also I'm weirded out by guys who are into yoga and eastern spirituality and personal growth. Who knew there were so many out there? And also people into polyamory, and fetishes. Yikes!)
I have to get used to the idea of looking for someone new though. It's not going to be easy.
On another note, I have to have some medical testing done next week and I have to start looking for work in a serious way.
oh help!
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