I just write these to feel better. Please don't feel obligated to read them.
The choir performed at a festival last night. I spent a lot of time preparing a piece of artwork/sign for us to carry. (It was an outdoor event, and we were to wander the grounds, singing and getting the public to join in with us) As I worked on the sign, I put on the 6-hour Pride and Prejudice miniseries (the one with Colin Firth- swoon!)
Before I dated anybody, I used to watch movies like that because I craved the romantic storylines. I wonder if I've got funny ideas about romance because of them. There's not a lot of sex in Jane Austen novels, that old notion that a pure kind of love doesn't involve anything so dirty. At least until after the characters are married!
Anyways, I'm not sure it was a good idea to watch P&P right now. I'm longing to be loved. To be pursued, even better! And I do love stories where love makes a flawed man be a better person. Haha. Mr. Darcy isn't real.
Walrus was supposed to come to this festival and sing with the choir but he'd also promised to go to a friend's birthday gathering at a restaurant. I knew he doublebooked himself a month ago but let him figure it out himself- he didn't. I was texting him yesterday, because I was going to bring him a chair in case he got tired at the festival, said he could do both if he timed it right, but he went to the party.
I sorta want to see him to see where I am with this breakup. I want to talk, really talk to him. Don't know if that's a good idea.
The group home phoned me at almost 1am last night when Walrus hadn't come back. I got the message this morning and called them back. They said he came back at 1:30am. I told them not to call me anymore.
Keep having the impulse to ask him to talk with me in person again, or to disguise it as a invite to go to coffee. Not sure if he'd accept, not sure what I want to accomplish.
Yes, sometimes I do want to get back together. He had his good points, and I miss that. I do wonder if I'm just missing having someone rather than missing him in particular. It's nice to be held, nice to have someone to talk to and tell the day's stories to, nice to have someone to go to things with.
Other times I think there is no way I could go back into that relationship- worrying if he's brushed his teeth, or made his appointments. Struggling to get him to open up to me. Paying for everything!
A big part of it might be guilt, and how I feel about myself. I want to be friends with him. Want to be a good person, a good girlfriend. Want to understand what I did wrong.
Maybe it's not fair that I feel should take the blame. He certainly had his faults too.
I am waiting to hear back about my medical tests. In the meantime, life is a bit uncomfortable.
I've been looking at OKCupid almost every day. Don't see a lot of good men out there, or if they do sound interesting I find a flaw. Fair enough, it's only been a few weeks and I'm not ready for anything new yet.
Sometimes I think they wouldn't want me. Actually I think that quite a lot. A lot of men want a women who's "doing something with her life" and I don't feel I qualify. I'm glad they don't want women to be housekeepers and sitting around waiting to get married. But I still live at home and I'm 30. And all the personality questions about sex are really getting to me. I'm not going to sleep with anyone on the first date, and kinky stuff is way beyond me. Who will want me? If you want that kind of innocence, date an 18 year old with perky breasts!
There's a lot of sad stories on OKC if you look. Well, Walrus had one. I read one the other day, no picture posted, but for the 'most personal thing you're willing to share' part, he had written that it's been a long time since he'd been in a relationship and he was afraid he'd forget where things go. It was longer than that, and sadder, and a little bit more witty. I almost felt like writing to him but he liked roleplaying games and I pictured this basement dwelling geek. I know a few geeky guys who tend to self-sabotage a little bit, but blame everybody but themselves, and get bitter. Anyways, I just pictured the worst. And why should I seek out men I feel sorry for? Hey, you sound like you'll be a lousy lover- let's go to coffee.
Speaking of basement dwelling- I'm really worried about my mom and her finances if my dad doesn't pay her. Wondered if I should move into our basement, which is almost fitted out as its own suite, minus a stove and fridge, and pay her rent. I could have more independence, and she could have a little income, and I could still keep an eye on her. I think it would be hard to change our ways though. I'm used to sharing meals with her, chores, conversation. Seems like an artificial separation.
And it wouldn't be good for me. I should move out, live in a neighbourhood with cafes and young people and really be on my own.
I have a few weeks until my part-time unpaid internship starts. I should stop sulking and really work on my projects. And clean the house!
So tired of being alone. So tired of getting nowhere. Just waiting for something good to happen, one piece of the puzzle to fall into place. Want to move forward.
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