Cognitive dissonance is when you believe two conflicting ideas at the same time, and it makes you do crazy stuff. You make excuses and rationalize your beliefs, or you reject new evidence and commit more strongly to your old ideas. Stuff like that.
I think the whole relationship with Walrus was complicated and confusing and probably caused me some cognitive dissonance.
They say a relationship's end makes you re-evaluate where are you in life, and I guess I'm doing that. It might be harder to face than the break-up.
(By the way, I looked at cheesy on-line articles from wikihow and women's magazines about how to break up, how to get over a break-up, how to decide if you should get back together. They were surprisingly helpful, if only because it helped me realize how normal this stuff is. Also, common mistakes to avoid)
I looked around for a friend to talk to and realized everyone is in a relationship. Everyone is getting married and having kids and I'm being left behind. My younger siblings are starting families. I don't even let myself think about wanting kids. (and I'm babysitting their kids at least twice a week. It's hard NOT to think about.)
The counselor yesterday was trying to find out about my self-confidence, I think. She asked if not working was affecting how I felt about myself in other areas of my life. I would hazard a guess that it went the other way round- my social and love life affected my school and work. I mean the whole 30 years of waiting to be kissed must have had some effect on me. So weird that she didn't see that.
I often ask myself if I'm confident or not. I am shy, I am not good at taking initiative, but there is also a part of me that thinks I'm pretty awesome. They say bullies are tough on the outside, insecure on the inside. I might be the opposite. My interview this week was conducted by a young, attractive, confident woman- and it was just like high school all over again. The cool girls made me feel like a slob, but part of me still thought I have something they don't have. And I judge people constantly, often harshly, so I must have some feelings of superiority somewhere in the morass. I have an inner bully? Ack.
That aside, as far as I can tell, I'm fairly smart and I try to be a good person, so why am I getting nowhere? I got good marks in school, and work fairly hard. I see myself as someone who has what it takes to succeed and to be in a long term relationship. Life isn't matching my vision of myself though.
When I was 17, I was babysitting my baby cousin and my friends dropped by. When they saw me holding the baby, they both said, "Oh gawd that looks so natural! You look like a mom." And one friend was a guy! I was pleased. I wasn't thinking about being a mom at that point, but I liked the thought that I was seen as nurturing.
That prophecy hasn't come true for me. Nor has a relationship. I don't see myself as a world traveler or a career woman or party girl or flake or anything like that. I see myself as someone who wants to make a home, maybe with kids, maybe not, and to have an open door policy with friends and neighbors dropping by. I want to be someone you can count on for some tea and a sympathetic ear when you're sad. I want to be part of a community. I want to be half of a loving partnership.
Instead I'm unemployed, living with mom in the suburbs in a messy little house I'm ashamed to bring people to. I don't have a circle of friends, and my closest friends have moved away. I check my email constantly, and facebook and this blog, just looking for some kind of connection and meaning. The internet does not love me.
A lot of friendships have drifted away. I fought with my best friend and never speak to her. I'm not talking to dad. I never realized I'd have broken relationships like this. I guess everyone does. Even the nicest people have break-ups and divorces. It's part of life.
When I fought with ...I forget the fake name I made up for her - Elaine? When I fought with my former best friend, I said to her "I see myself as a quiet person who doesn't have conflict with people", and she said, "You're not quiet with me, and you have the power to hurt me."
How do I stop being critical and bitter? How do I find the love and joy in my heart and show it to the world? I feel like people don't like me. I have friends and acquaintances, but I don't think they really see me for who I am, and I'm not the amazing sympathetic friend I think I can be. I'm not fun. Why are some people so popular?
Some people can just be the glue that holds any group together, or the life in the room.
Am I building walls? Am I failing on purpose? Am I socially anxious and shy? How do I get to the life I want? And the person I want to be?
I only know the you from your blog, but I like you. You have a lot of good in your life, your life seems quite nice despite your problems, so I don't feel sorry for you, but I do aknowledge your pain and I hope things get better for you soon. I wish there were words people could say to automatically make you feel better; Unfortunately there aren't. I know this probably won't make you feel any better, but what you are going through is already making you wiser and stronger inside.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
HJ
I agree with HJ--I only know you from your blog, but I like you. It's probably because it looks like we have an awful lot in common. And just like you said, part of me thinks I'm pretty awesome. Ergo, you must be awesome, too!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about judging people. I think most people do it, to some degree. Some are better than others at keeping it to themselves, and I hope I'm the former. I also see myself as a quiet person who doesn't have conflict with others. But I also know that I'm not quiet with friends and that everyone has the power to hurt others, even though I would never hurt someone intentionally.
You are asking yourself tough questions, and that's a great step. How to find love and joy is a fantastic question that everyone would benefit from asking. Your art gives you joy, right? I find joy in so many things, small things, big things. I'm getting better at finding joy in a bright blossom or a blue blue sky (as long as I'm not tired, anxious, etc.). Music is my biggest source of joy. If I need space, if I need to take a deep breath or get myself out of a funk, I turn on a joy-making piece and dance around the living room. Seriously. All is well with Rhapsody on a Theme of Paginini pouring into my ears.
Aw shucks. You like me, you really like me!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments.
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paginini is my very favourite too, although I admit I only really know the most famous 2 minutes of it.
I have a lot of be grateful for in life and I do need to get back into drawing in a big way. I do know what I want in life and who I want to be, so best start now trying to get there, even if progress is slow and steps are small.