I feel stupid

I just got back from seeing Walrus.  I went to his group home and the staff seemed pleasantly surprised to see me.  Walrus was in his room.  He was wearing a nice shirt and for a minute I thought he was trying to look nice for me.  Like a date.
But we didn't hug.  And I probably knew right then.
We went to the restaurant and it was just small talk, small talk, small talk.  We did share food.  There was conversation without much connection- only a shared eye roll at the mention of my dad's new wife, otherwise  you'd think we were casual acquaintances.  He sprawled sideways in the booth with his feet on the seat- something I consider a bit rude.  I wondered what I saw in him- I wondered where the connection had gone.
I did not feel in love.  I felt like I could live my life without him quite easily.

And yet, when we left (oh, I paid for the meal of course) I suggested we walk around the block.  Whatever I had to say, I felt I needed to say it.  I really wanted him to say I was a good girlfriend, I think.
He talked a bit about another resident at the house who was moving out.  This guy always used a wheelchair even though he could walk, and it used to piss Walrus off.  I asked if it still annoyed him, and he talked about  how he'd mentioned the issue to his neuro-psychiatrist.  "I'm not usually an angry guy," he told her.  She said that the anger was probably at his own progress, or lack thereof, and that brain injuries really change the balance of the brain, and emotions can be intense.

That moment was one of those rare glimpses into who he is, and what he's going through.  I was there through this period of anger, and he didn't tell me about it at the time.  I always tried to get him to discuss with me how his counselling sessions went and he would always clam up.

He changed the subject back to small talk and I was disappointed.  I took a deep breath and said, "is it weird to see me?"  "No, should it be?"
And I cried.  I buried my face in his neck and cried.  He held me for a long time.  I drew away.  I muttered about Kleenex.  He asked if I was going to be okay.  I said yes.  I think he said something about a garden we were passing.

We kept walking.  I would sniffle and sometimes let out a big sob.  He was mostly silent or talked about houses we were passing.  He's done that to me before, when I was angry at him, he just shuts down.  I said at one point, "did you know you were such a heartbreaker?"
At the end I sputtered something like 'I wish you'd talked to me more.'  He couldn't understand a word of course, through my tears.  "You don't really open up very easily"  "There's nothing to open up about"
"Yes there is.  That anger thing, for example.  You never mentioned it and I was there, trying to deal with it too"

We were back at his group home.  I said 'I don't want to come inside'.  So we hugged for a long time on the sidewalk and I openly sobbed.  I didn't say what I wanted to say, I didn't hear what I needed to hear.  I sputtered out a thank you and so did he.  He asked if I was going to be all right and I blubbered 'yes of course'.  (I felt like adding, "you're not Johnny Depp!" but it wouldn't have been funny if I cried while I said it)  We turned away from each other.

I had an half an hour wait for the bus and another half an hour ride home, crying the whole time.
I texted him and said, 'I thought I could handle that better or I wouldn't have asked to see you."  He said, "Don't apologize.  Is there anything I can do?"
I thought for a long time and finally I wrote back, "I wrote you a thank you letter.  I'd like the same from you."  He said he'd be happy to do that.  So I will wait for that.

I texted my sister on the way home and she said this (the crying) is not about him, it's about something else and I need to figure out what it is.

I feel mistreated, and yet I'm not all that angry at him.  Failure is in there somewhere, although why I thought I could save him is beyond me. Sadness and anger at being this naive at this age....I haven't worked it all out.
This whole relationship was confusing, and bordering on ridiculous.  I don't know him at all.  He's an emotional brick wall.  I was longing to be talked to...jealous of his psychiatrist!

I have my road test tomorrow to get my driver's license.  I need to go to bed.