Dear Walrus,
I hope we can be friends, when we both have had time to heal. The next few years are not going to be easy for you. You have to learn to live alone, and I hope you continue with the changes you've made to your diet and lifestyle. Going back to work and school is going to be hard, as well as looking around to see which friends have stuck with you. I feel for you. I am terrified you will turn to alcohol to numb the pain, but I cannot help you if you take the easy way out. In the long run it is going to be less painful to put in the hard work now, when recovery is still possible, instead of avoiding facing the reality of your new brain.
I see a lot of good in you. You could be a sweetheart, you made me feel beautiful, but hun, you were kind of a lousy boyfriend. You came on too strong before you even met me, you sat there like a lump on our first three dates, after arriving late, and I think I paid most of the time...You announced you were in a relationship on facebook after two kisses, and come to think of it, you announced you were single before I knew we were broken up. Your relationship with food grosses me out- eating peanut butter out of the jar, at the rate of a jar a week! You don't have good control when it comes to alcohol either and that frightens me. You think being rude to people shows integrity, you never tried to find out who I was, you still owe me money. You won't stand up to your parents. I needed help with sex and you said all the right things, but you sure didn't DO the right things. You slept all the time and I missed out on things I wanted to do because of it. You didn't brush your teeth regularly and no, you can't skip showers if you sleep in.
You're angry and depressed and all you see is your own pain. That's not quite true- sometimes you could feel deeply for others, but, Walrus, you just didn't get it when George told us about his brain tumour. I got snapped at more than once- I can't be positive all the time, I'm only human. You blame others for your mistakes, and that made me think less of you. I don't think that anger is you, but you needed to talk to me about what you were going through. I don't know why you have such trouble opening up. The only time I got to see you was in your writing and texts. All our deepest conversations- typed into our phones, each in our own house. I wish you would realize that showing your vulnerability only gave you more dignity in my eyes.
You didn't have much to give me but your love and affection. I still believe you loved me as unconditionally as you said you did, but you had such high expectations for me and our future together, much too soon. And when you stopped being affectionate, I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship, not anything equal to all the work I put into it. Going to a party without me was shitty. Online dating before we broke up, as I suspect was the case, also bad form.
I am sorry I was negative when you needed positive support. Again, I wish you'd told me I was making you feel bad about yourself. And when I tried to tell you there was a problem, you didn't try to dig deeper or make changes or tell me your concerns. You give up on things when they get hard, and you gave up on us just as quickly.
I didn't like myself when I was with you- I wasn't fun. I became neurotic and overplanned everything because I was worried about your energy and my money. I felt responsible for you, for your health and happiness, and that wasn't helping my own.
I tried so hard, babe. So hard. You have to do this alone. I hope you find the girl who loves you for you, but first you have to deal with your shit. I'll be there if you need me as a friend, but I'm moving on.
love,
Eleanor
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