Healing

A week of trying to schedule things to do.  Saw some friends, some I rehashed events with in full detail, some I told only a short summary.  Still a lot of crying randomly.
Did an interview for an unpaid internship and didn't get it.  Was offered a chance to still volunteer in a lesser capacity, and said yes to that, but it doesn't start until August.  Competing for unpaid work!  Sigh.

Every time I told someone it got a little easier.  And no one thought I was over-reacting about the party incident; everybody thought that was pretty crummy.

But I was still really hurt.  I'm the kinda person who has to pop that pimple, even if it would heal better left on its own.  I emailed Walrus and asked practical questions about choir, and then asked if I could ask him some questions, since I was too 'overwhelmed' to say my piece when we had the talk.  He said go ahead.
I wrote a big long email, then was afraid to send it.  But then it was driving me crazy.  I asked him if he would read a long letter.  He said he'd read anything I sent, no matter how long.  So I hit send.

I tried not to accuse him of anything or harangue him.  I explained why I was hurting and what I was wondering about.  I did mention the OKCupid profile though.  At the end I wrote some nice things about him, and some of my favourite memories of our time together.  It was cheesy, but I wanted to say it.

He wrote back that same night, and he was very gentle.  He wrote this heartbreaking thing about getting treated like he was stupid by family and friends, and that he hoped that I spent enough time with him to see he was still him.  It hurt twice as much when I was frustrated with him. It wasn't even anything I said, but a frustration I was trying to hide.  He wanted comfort and kind words from me and I would frown and give the thumbs down to his suggestions.

It makes me so sad.  I didn't want to hurt him.  But there was a brain injury and sometimes it was frustrating and he can't see his own limitations there.

And, would he rather I was frustrated with his brain injury or with his own character flaws?  I thought he could do better than he was doing.  He's so sensitive about being thought a 'feeb' but that usually wasn't what I was mad about.

Anyways, it still makes me sad.  I wish I could have been that perfect a girlfriend.

He said he was ashamed that he hurt me so badly when he said he felt freer without me.  He said I was very supportive and he appreciated me.  That was all I needed to hear.  I think I won't cry so much anymore.

So, today I went to see a counselor I used to see a few years ago.  She wasn't all that helpful, although she was very nice.  It took most of the time to explain what I'd been doing for three years and what the relationship was like and the whole drama of the breakup.  She asked me if i was ready to get a new boyfriend who would be be better suited to me, and how I felt about looking for a new boyfriend.  I am not quite ready to think about that.  It's only been a week.  

I said something about I should have got a 'starter boyfriend' without so many issues and she said it kind of was a starter relationship because our situations kept us from really being together.  She said it was more like a friendship with a romantic twist.
I didn't even tell her about the problems with sex.  (which is one of the major things I'm upset about)
For me it was really important that this was my first relationship and I felt like she minimized that.  She said 30 is still young.  Not for a first kiss!
I tried to explain about the guilt of dating a guy with a stroke for your first relationship- no one else would want him, no one else would want me...that made me cry.  
I wasn't ready to say I was ready to move on or to look for something better, because part of me wants to respect Walrus.  I don't want to say he wasn't good enough.  
She said he probably isn't ready to be a boyfriend right now, and I had to agree.  I believe conflicting things at the same time, apparently.
Anyways,I don't know if I got any insights from visiting her that I haven't already got from talking to friends or figured out on my own.
She did ask if I was doing everything I could to get a job, and I said no.
She said she didn't know what to focus on to help me, and I said I didn't know either.
She asked if I wanted to make another appt and I said no, I'd wait to see how I was doing.