Can you be depressed if you're sarcastic about your own moping?

This is a weird mood.

I cry myself to sleep.  I'm about ready for bed, wondering if I need to go through it again tonight.

I cry silently in public.  On the train, tears rolling down my face.

And yet I function during the day.  I sing while doing the dishes.  I think this pining for him is a bit ridiculous.  I should be glad to have my first heartache be for someone clearly not right for me.  (Although- the stroke obscured everything.  I'm not sure I know who Walrus is.  AND NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW)

I almost wonder if I don't enjoy being sad.  Crying feels...well it's not good exactly, but pure.  Do you know what I mean?  The emotion is everything and you're in it.  

It's somehow tragically romantic- the whole story.  I become the wronged heroine...or alternately, he's the tragic figure, depending on if I focus on his bad points or his good.   I cry either way.

I also think I genuinely miss the bastard.

Walrus is still waiting to hear about where he's going to be living and he's going crazy.  I'm going crazy not talking to him.  I broke my own rules and looked at his facebook page.  A few times.  

Actually I sent him a text today about a computer tech thing and he didn't answer it.  I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out why he didn't.

Oh I am weak.  

I just want to hug him.  He's wanted a home of his own for a year now.  It's his big goal and it sorta became mine.  Hard to stop caring about him getting that.

In other news.

Cough's almost gone.  I have broken out in little pimply bumps all over my chest and shoulders.  This has happened to me before.  Why, body, are you so unhappy with me?  I don't know what I'm doing that displeases you.

Internship is a joke.  I'm in charge of 'decorating'.  

Some job interviews on the horizon, and had one last week.  All for part-time jobs sorta in the field I'm trying to get into.   I'm worried I'm going to end up juggling 2 or 3 part time jobs (and possibly more volunteer work as well.)  I don't mind working hard, and I need any source of income I can get, but less than ideal for my finances and social life. 

I am still writing to E once or twice a week.  He has hobbies that all sound interesting to me.  I think I asked him to see a festival event with me (since I get in free and can bring a guest) and I think he's agreed although nothing's organized.  I haven't talked about E much because I don't want to invest too much.  I am starting to get a little excited.  But meeting someone in person is entirely different.  Our messages are fairly small-to-medium talk.  Hobbies and rants about the environment have been the two main topics so far.

If this meeting actually gets organized I'll tell you more about him.

I am going away this weekend to another city to see a music concert and an old friend.  Hopefully that will end this dreadful summer on a bright note.

Illogical

Spock thinks this continued weeping is most illogical.

Crying a lot.  Two weeks of illness and the resulting isolation that went with it are probably a factor.

Figuring out how to be friends with Walrus brought up pain that I thought was healing.  

Logically I know that I didn't see Walrus as forever.  The break-up was inevitable, so now is as good a time as any.  Except I didn't think we were done learning from each other.

People fight twice as hard on a losing battle, maybe?  The situation made the relationship extra difficult and I tried very hard to make it work.  I'm so sad for him, and it makes it hard to walk away.  Hard to walk away, say 'not my problem' and still feel like a good person.

Thanks to Matt79 for this insightful comment on the last post:

I mean, I think overall your motivation for staying in touch with him involves a mixture of things all combining together - some guilt (which I don't think is warranted at all, but I know that doesn't just make it disappear), some answer-wanting, some being-needed-wanting and some appreciation-wanting. And also I was wrong about you just wanting to talk about your feelings - you want him to talk about his feelings too. Sounds like that's a difficult thing to make happen. Which might just make you try even harder.

Yes.  Yes to all those things.  Brilliant.

Here's what's been done.  

• I can't figure out facebook but I think I'll see 'Only Important' posts from him.  
• Made it so I can't see when he's online on google.
• Wrote a very gentle email saying I got overwhelmed being in touch with him throughout the day and suggested a weekly check-in with each other instead.  I said I'm here if he needs a friend since I am one of the few people who really knows the situation, and he knows me well enough by now to know if I'll be helpful or not.

The weekly check-in part was a bit lame but I wanted some sort of concrete guideline for him.  A little formality makes it distinctly different from the old way of communicating.

He did not write back.  I'm fairly sure he has read it and fairly sure if he didn't answer immediately then it was too emotional for him and he won't.

Did think about pushing for my thank you letter but dropped it for the moment.  If we are going to be friends, then I have to hear 'thank you' at some point.  But that's a point far away in time, I suspect.  

So, whose court is the ball in now?  

Confusion Update

Walrus was texting me random observations yesterday.  I started sending shorter and shorter replies and he stopped mid-afternoon.  Actually I think he was napping.  Around 9pm last night he sent a text about [local sporting event].  I was unimpressed.  I said 'why are you texting me about sports?'
"Because I like [said sport]"
I was trying to figure out how to say 'I'm your ex, remember?'
I did say 'I'm half of this conversation'
But he was already going on about something on the TV.  I admit I indulged him in small talk for a bit and then I said, "Hey Walrus?"
"Yes?"
"Talking to you makes me confused.  I want to be friends, but I don't think I'm over the break-up"
"I see."  (I hate when he says 'I see'.  It reveals nothing.)
Long pause.  Like, 20 minutes.
Me: "Are you still there?"
Pause.
"Please say something."
"I'm here.  I'm thinking.  You're not wrong to feel like this."
 "I didn't think my feelings were wrong.  I'm new at break-ups though."
Long pause.
Me: "Are you still thinking or do you want me to keep rambling?"
"Say what you need to say."
So I say some stuff about yes, wanting to be friends, but needing a cleaner break than what we did, more time to process things, etc etc.  I mentioned the 'anniversary' for some reason.  He just said stuff like 'I understand' and 'Yes'
By this point I was crying and just kept typing. 'We'll see each other at choir and I wanted to take you to the festival and I wanted to come to your housewarming."
"I don't think the housewarming is going to happen"
"What?  Oh no!"
Hour-long conversation about his frustrations with social housing.  He's supposedly been moved to the top of the wait-list and was promised a spot by the end of the month- which is almost here and he hasn't heard anything.  He could be placed anywhere in the greater metropolitan area, although they do know about his medical condition and are supposedly trying to place him in the main part of town.  He's ready to go at any moment.  If he hears nothing he stays where he is (a group home) and waits.
Almost midnight.  "Time for bed!  Goodnight!"
What, no thank you?

There is some evidence online this morning that he had a sleepless night.  (3am facebook post about puppeteer Jerry Nelson passing away)  Oh technology!  How did people date before the internet?

I woke up feeling a little angry.  He just doesn't get it, once again.
Is it brain injury or is it just because he's male?   Great idea for a game show!  I talked to my Friend in the North yesterday, in the time Walrus was napping, and she said 'All men are clueless.  This one is a little more clueless than most.'  My apologies to male readers.  I never thought I'd say anything so simplistic, but all the jokes about how men and women think differently seem to be coming true!

I'm not sure what to do now.  I said I need a break, and then ended up being a friend to him anyways.
He cannot text me all day long.
1.  My confused brain says, 'if you want to talk to me that much, why aren't we together?'
2.  And really, that door needs to shut.  We are not getting back together.
3.  It feels like he's talking at me.  There's a reason I'm not on Twitter.  I don't want people's quips coming at me all day long.

I imagine he is very bored and possible deeply lonely.   I'm sad for him, but I can't help him.  It's part of a break-up, and compounded by his stroke (no work life, friends that have flaked out...)  He made his choice.

Here's the thing:
I feel like I'm not exactly the life of the party, and throughout my life, certain friends have called me when there's nobody better available.  That's my hangup, and Walrus doesn't know that, but it's time I said no more of that.  I'm tired of being at the bottom of the list.  I want people to contact me because they want to talk to me, specifically me, not just anybody and I happened to be around.
I AM BETTER THAN THAT.  LAST CHOICE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE.
IF YOU CONTACT ME, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN AS WELL AS TALK.  (unless it's an emotional emergency but then you'd better be there for me when it's my turn.)

Beyond the no texting all day rule, not sure where to draw the line.
Sigh.

Various Confusions

Still sick!  Here are the confusions confusing me at the moment:

1. I've been reading about the environment all week and I'm convinced the end of the world is nigh.  Like, THERE'S NO HOPE WE'VE GONE AND FUCKED EVERYTHING UP AND WE DON'T SEEM TO CARE.  I've got on a weird kick where I'm worried about world population (7 BILLION IS LOTS, THANKS) and think people should voluntarily stop at one or two kids.  I mean, every prediction I've read has us reaching a major crisis in about 2050.  That's in my expected lifetime, never mind the next generation's.  So my questions are- how do I stop from being preachy and no fun while doing what I think is right?  And if there was a realistic possibility of me having my own kids, would I be strong enough to not to?   Maybe I wouldn't be begrudging people their offspring if I had some of my own....  My poor imaginary kids.  It'd be all cloth diapers and second hand toys and no glow sticks, glitter glue, fast food with toys, etc....

2.  Fashion Magazines. $21,000 for a handbag?  Am I the only one who thinks that's morally wrong?

3. This article had me crying last night for some reason.  I got some magazines from the library (see above) to read while I'm sick, including a Psychology Today (I think it's February 2011).  The article is about making a long term relationship work, instead of looking for a more ideal mate.  It says there are only a few things that really make a bad mate- addictions, and cheaters, and some anger/emotional issues.
RAMBLE:  So then I felt like I should have made things work with Walrus.  But maybe he does have a borderline addiction?  It takes two partners to make it work.  HE HAS A BRAIN INJURY.  This was my first time out; I don't know how to do it!  And then the article said that you have to know what you value and it told this story of a woman who valued good character and married a chef, and then didn't respect him because he couldn't keep up intellectually.  She dumped him for bad grammar!  And I think I value good character, but I could see myself DOING THE SAME THING.  And the article JUST SAID there was no such thing as incompatibility and then contradicted itself.  And then it said there IS incompatibility in dating and you should get rid of people that don't fit with you so HOW DO I PICK SOMEONE?  I'm going to screw it up!

4.  And then my list of what I wanted seemed ridiculous because I HAVE NO IDEA.  I know I don't want someone like my dad, or like my brother-in-law, and only about half (three quarters?) like Walrus.

5.  THE BIG ONE
I wanted to be friends with Walrus.  But, do I?
We had another text conversation this morning and now I'm getting updates throughout the day.  People and their phones!  He should get a Twitter account.  Any little observation or witticism he came up with, he used to text somebody, usually me.  I used to love/hate getting them.  And I admit I'd send them too.  Connected all day long.
Soooo.  Huh.  I cried a lot yesterday (see above) and I'm not really sure what's behind it.  A second grieving for the break-up or just tired of being sick?
I wanted to be friends, I said, and I reached out and contacted him several times, and now that we've crossed some sort of line where he thinks he can text me all day long like before---I can't handle it.  Walrus loves small talk and I don't.  If we're talking about silly stuff, I'm longing to really talk about anything deep.  How he's really doing with the stroke, and how he feels about me and where's my thank-you letter and why did things go wrong and everything!
 What is his motivation to talk to me?  I guess he's bored and I'm still willing to listen to him and he's not really mad at me.  What's my motivation?  Some mix of guilt and missing the good parts of him and ?

Happy 100th Birthday to the All-Time Babe of All Time- Gene Kelly!

It is also the one year anniversary of the first meeting with Walrus. Trying not to think about that.

I'm still very sick.  I've coughed so much I've torn a muscle under my ribs and am in tremendous pain.  **Cough Cough [curse word]**

Had a two hour text chat with Walrus about politics the other day.  I think we were just both bored.  No harm done, right?

Found a new (Canadian!) dating blog.  It's okay- a different viewpoint than mine.  I liked this post though:

http://sexytypewriter.com/2012/07/25/willful-environmental-ignorance-of-world-leaders-the-reason-i-may-never-have-children/

She posts horrible (and hilarious) messages men have sent her on online dating sites.  I might do that for this blog!  She writes back to these clueless men for some reason. She also has some horror stories.  Honestly, I didn't realize dating was this complicated and now I'm terrified.  I still think of dating in a very old fashioned way- sex comes later.  

E wrote me back.  He writes long messages but I can't get a good sense of him.  I sorta suggested he could come to one of the festival events with me when it starts up in September.

I should probably be excited to meet people.  I'm a nice, smart good looking girl, right?  Instead I feel like I have all these confessions to make that will disappoint him.   Live with mom.  Looking for work.  Trying to lose 10 pounds.  Had one weird relationship.  Trouble with sex....

So much baggage I have to deal with!  Terrified doesn't begin to describe it.

I had a long cry late last night, since I couldn't sleep.  Relived the break-up and the feelings of rejection that went with it, but it soon turned into a general 'what happens next for me?' cry.  I am physically in pain, so it's easy to feel sorry for myself.  

In a weird way, Walrus gives me inspiration.  He had a stroke, lived in a hospital, and he went out and found me.  I'm not sure how confident he was about what he had to offer, but he did it anyways.  And he has to rebuild his life, learn strategies to cope with his disability, find a way to go back to work...Way harder than anything I'm likely to face.  

*the whole I-can't-feel-sorry-for-myself-because-somebody-out-there-has-it-harder thing is a mixed blessing.  It's a bit 'suck it up princess' and a bit 'I have to belittle my own pain, even though it is very real'

What I (think) I want

Well I'm officially sick and on antibiotics.  I'm miserable and bored and frustrated that I can't work on any of my goals. Sigh!  I've analyzed things to death already- it's time to get moving!
Chatted with Walrus yesterday.  He said his neurological assessment came back- his verbal and reading skills were off the chart, top 99.99%, but planning and initiating things would likely always be a problem for him.  A permanent disability.  I just feel bad for him.  He's super smart but now he has to work around this dead spot in his brain.  Anyways, just helps me understand the situation a bit more.
In other news, my mom got a part-time job and I have an interview next week for a kids' afterschool activity program.  Not my ideal choice but gotta find something to do!

In the meantime, I have been working on my list of what I want for the Next Boyfriend.

This list is a good start.  I agree with most of it.  Not the parts about wine and plaid, though.
http://www.thefrisky.com/2008-11-08/your-next-boyfriend-the-100-qualities-he-should-possess/

I think ideally I'm looking for a mix of Gene Kelly and Noam Chomsky. ha!

My List of Deal Makers and Deal Breakers:

Physical
-just a few years older than me.  (I already feel immature!)
-as tall as me is the only thing physical I'm really keen on
-although I do like broad shoulders and a wide Gene Kelly forehead...
-not blue-eyed, preferably.  There's no good reason for this.
-at the moment I have a thing for Dan Mangan look-a-likes.  A boyish look, under a beard.

Career:
-I would like to feel your work made the world better.  Non profit, environment, education, health, for example
-I am highly suspicious of people in business, sales, insurance, finance.
-I would totally fall for a musician or writer, maybe not another visual artist.

Values:
-As much like mine as possible, I'm guessing.
-Someone who cares about the environment, enough to make changes in your daily habits.
-Feminist
-Tolerant of others' differences
-Idealistic, like me

Fun/Interests
-TV and video games don't qualify as interests.  Have a passion that challenges you.
-I don't want to feel like a social director again, don't want to make all the plans.
-I expect you to be a bit geeky but could you not play Dungeons and Dragons or paint those stupid plastic figurines?
-I want you to read my favourite books and I'll read yours (not sci-fi and comic books!).
-You need to understand my idea of fun is quiet/wholesome/learning oriented/ deep connections with fewer people
-Must like camping.  I want to get outside more.

Personality/Characteristics
-I think I like guys who are a bit sarcastic but truly softies on the inside.
-Not big sucks, but I do like affection.
-I want to be proud of your morals and your manners.
-I don't know if you'll be an introvert or an extrovert. I sorta wish you were more outgoing than me, to balance things out, but you won't always have to be with people all the freakin time.
-I hope you can get me to loosen up and not be so serious. An ability to be goofy.
-Yet somewhat organized and punctual
-I'm a dog person.  I always like guys who like cats.  Who knows?

How we are together:
I want to be pushed a little bit, and hopefully you want to be pushed too.  Not that either of us are hugely ambitious but we both have goals, maybe artistic or health or making change, and I want us to bring out the best in each other and support each other.  I hesitate and overthink things and I need someone to say, 'go be awesome'

You should be interested in who I am, in my opinions, in my life before you showed up, and I'll be fascinated by you.
In theory I like it when couples can tease each other and be sarcastic, but sometimes 'just kidding' hides real malice.

Emotions
I'm not going to rescue someone this time.  I need you to have your shit together, or seriously working on it.  You need to be emotionally available, and we should 'get' each other, how to deal with each other when we're upset.

Sex:
I need you to be understanding with the sex thing, and make it fun.  Not too kinky.  *blush*

Big Things:
Monogamous- I didn't realize there were so many 'open relationships' out there.
No smokers, no heavy drinkers.  That really hasn't worked out for me.
I want a house and garden, and think I would be happy in a smaller city/ bigger town but with access to the arts.  I love the city, in small doses.  Oh gawd I'm so suburban!
Not a total neat freak, but not a slob
Not materialistic or addicted to brand-names and new gadgets
Financially prudent
Art-loving in some way
A reader of books
A little quirky.
Smart as all get out.

**EDIT*** And excellent grammar.  And a healthy diet.  Not that I'm picky or anything.

Sick and Angry and Nerdy

Are any of you the literary nerd type?  I'm trying to find a quote from a Charlotte Bronte novel- either Shirley or Villette.  More likely Shirley.  There is an old maid who is absolutely pure goodness and the heroine goes to visit her and says to herself (not a direct quote, by any means) 'I will be as good and uncomplaining as her; I will devote my life to serving others.'  Later the heroine (Caroline, if the book this is from is indeed Shirley) declares that kind of a life is not enough for her, that she needs something of her own.  (This is all very much misquoted.  I read it years ago and it stung a little at the time.)

I try to be good, but oh I want so much more!  I'm tired of being the friend who's called when no one better is available and the babysitter of my siblings' children.  And even those roles are better than not being needed at all.

I am still sick.  I have a horrible phlegm-y hacking hurting cough and it's worse if I lie down.  I usually get this cough once or twice a year, every year since I was eighteen.  I don't know why the doctor does nothing.  It will probably linger for weeks.

I can't sleep.  I was sitting up in bed, trying to hold in the coughing, angry at the world.  Why am I so sickly?  I can't work on my goals or have any fun.  I just have to cough and cough and cough for the next few weeks.  Why don't I have more close friends?  Why am I not special to anybody?  Why didn't I say something about this terrible haircut?  Why did I pay $50 dollars for it?  Why did I tip the hairdresser on top of that?  Why did none of my family notice the new haircut?  What am I going to write to my father?  Why is this waiting and loneliness the story of my life?

I was sitting up in bed looking down at my feet in the middle of my double bed, surrounded by wide expanses of blue flowered sheets.  It seems long ago that there was a Walrus next to me.  I just kept looking at the empty space wondering who would fill it next, trying to picture this unknowable person and how we would be together...

And then I got mad at Walrus because I waited my whole life to have sex and he decided to get piss-drunk instead.

And tears ran down my face and I got out of bed.  And here I am.
I just want something that's mine.  Mine mine mine!  Walrus doesn't have anything left in his life either- I thought we'd have that in common.  But sharing our nothing didn't really work.

This was going to be a good post...

I was going to write about online dating etiquette.  What makes a good profile?  What makes a good first message?  What do you do if you're not interested?  Would you rather get a reply even if it's a no, or would you rather just send your message into the void?

Captain Awkward advocates not responding if you're not interested, or if you must, a simple 'I don't think we have that much in common.  Good luck with your search.'  I did read another article, somewhere, with the opposite view- you should reply to every message to be polite.

I don't reply very often.  I have a hard time saying 'thanks but no thanks' even though I always intend to write them.  I don't feel bad about ignoring really stupid 'hey cutie you need me in your life' bravado or obvious copy-paste jobs.  I don't like being asked to meet before we know each other's first names, I don't like compliments on my looks, I don't like men mocking my terrible user name.  Just a simple "hi, I see we both like this [thing mentioned in your profile]."  How hard is that?

Why this topic?  E never wrote me back.  I know, I panicked when his second message was a long one, but I read it again and thought it wasn't that bad, so I did write back but never got a reply and I know he was online.

Today I decided to take a look at the other girls my age.  There are lots of very pretty women doing online dating.  I recognized two women!  I've also recognized three men- two distant acquaintances and one I met online last year (and really didn't care for!).

Anyways.  That'll do on that topic.  I just got an email from my dad (whom I'm not speaking to, as he is refusing to pay alimony to my mother)  It's full of rubbish, simpering rubbish about how he does everything for his kids.  Snort!  I fail to see how I benefit from him driving a BMV and going to Mexico and marrying someone only 12 years older than me.

I found out today that not only am I older than all the other interns, I'm also older than my supervisor by five years.  My job today was making hand drawn signs with felt pens.  Sigh.  Put that on the ol' resume.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my hair cut.  Going super short pixie cut.  Good riddance to bad memories.

Oh Eleanor, you are a very grumpy girl.  Something good must be coming soon.  It's overdue.

If you have any thoughts on online dating etiquette, or articles discussing this, do send 'em along.

Pity Party!

Okay four and a half days at home sick does not improve my mood.  During that time, I wrote this big long emotion-vomit of a post which I wisely didn't post.  I'll try and salvage what I can out of it.  Also I'm trying to make fun of it.

Feeling-sorry-for-myself Observation #1:
I miss being touched.  Spooning is the best thing ever.  Better than kisses or sexytimes.

Irrational Fix-its for Something I don't really want to fix
I am still very hurt at how it ended.  I keep thinking of how it could have turned out differently that weekend- if only i'd talked to him on Friday night, if only i'd crawled into bed beside him on Saturday afternoon and asked him for what I needed instead of hiding my tears from him...I know that even if that crisis had been averted, there would have been another.  Even if I was always positive and always encouraging, even if I was everything he wanted, I wouldn't have been getting what I needed.

The Real Problem?
I am so insecure about sex.  Walrus and I never got to do that successfully.  Realizing now how unsexual we were together. Pretty early in the relationship, we stopped holding hands, stealing kisses, having make-out sessions...We could, unfortunately, keep our hands off each other pretty easily.  So now I blame myself and feel unattractive.  I know this isn't a logical conclusion but there are some Longstanding Issues in the sex department, who are happy to feed on my anxieties.

Feeling-sorry-for-myself Incident #1
Walrus posted a link on facebook to Feist's "Bad in Each Other" and said it was his song for the year.  The lyrics are

And a good man and a good woman
 can't find the good in each other
And a good man and a good woman
will bring out the worst in each other
the bad in each other

And I sobbed.  I thought it was about us.  He probably just liked the song.

Feeling-sorry-for-myself Observation #2:
I just need someone to talk to and I have no one.

The Real Real Problem and The Solution that's Staring Me in the Face:
I have spent the last five days (two months really) on the couch in mom's living room with the laptop on my lap.  I check email constantly, and instantly respond to any new messages or fb notifications.  Waiting for any kind of contact with people, even digital.  This is pretty sad.  This is not the life I want.

I read an article on Psychology Today and now I can't remember which one, but this scientific study surprised me: It's not very romantic, but the major factor in falling in love is proximity.  People like what's familiar.  If there's a hottie in your building, your chances of getting together are greater if he lives on your floor and even greater  the closer his door is to yours.
Sitting here on this couch, I'm proximate to no potential boyfriends, no potential friends, no potential employers.  I have to get out more.

Some Good News
I went to the doctor.  I don't have a tumour.  I just have trouble with the muscles that control urinating.  Hey, I know, too much information.  Perhaps a factor in me not being able to have sex?  More muscles I can't control.

Weird In-the-Middle Situation
I just got back from visiting Walrus' mom.  She's been emailing me, and inviting me over.  I know she just wants someone to talk about Walrus with, someone who might have some insight.   She can be meddling or overbearing and isn't good at listening to what he's saying.  She's got a lot of the facts wrong.

Anyways, I wrote to Walrus yesterday to tell her I was going to see her.  I had some things of his to return.  I didn't want to talk about him behind his back so that's why I told him.  This led to a back-and-forth email conversation about his mom treating him like an idiot.  I think I said the right things.  I asked if I could give him my two cents.  He agreed.  I wrote this big thing about him speaking up, calmly, firmly, and telling his mom that she needs to trust him.  I said the stuff about getting his team of people together and getting them working for him.  My eyes watered as I wrote it.  Of course I was thinking of me.

I meant to stay neutral when visiting his mom, or to tell her to talk to him.  We made small talk, she would keep bringing the conversation back to Walrus, and it was so easy to echo her concerns, to let slip a little complaint... I'm not neutral.  I'm not a good go-between.

Now Walrus wants to know what she said.  I asked him how knowing would be healing for him or their relationship.

Well that was a long vomitous post!

Am I doing everything in my power?

Day four of being sick.  Seeing a doctor later today.

I took my own advice and got a DVD of Another Year out from the library and watched it this morning.  Very lovely film, although very not-Hollywood.  Its theme is exactly the one I always ponder- happiness, and choosing to help or not help sad people.

I don't want to be a sad person. I WILL NOT let myself be a sad person.

This morning I had the bright idea of grading myself in all areas of life.  Bad idea.  Didn't follow through with it as I suspect I would give myself no better than a C+, and failing grades in most.  Too depressing.  But, it is safe to say I am not happy with where I am in: Health/Fitness, Career/Employment, Independence, Social Life, Love/Sex, and Artistic Development.  So, you know, there's some work to be done.  I guess I can only go up from here, eh?

There should be a gap between who you are and who you want to be- that challenges you.  Too big a gap, and you are in danger of giving up and becoming a sad person.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.   Other times I don't see anything majorly wrong with me, so I must be cursed. I can blame circumstance all I want, but the truth is I don't really push myself or go after what I want.  Sure, I work hard at school but not too hard, and without that structure I can get a bit lost.  I really thought things just happened in life.  I knew I had to practice drawing to be an artist; I didn't know that you had to work just as hard to get your art into the public.  In high school I thought if my crush found out I liked him, I would die; I didn't realize somebody has to take the risk to say 'Hey, I like you' or nothing will ever happen.

Unlike an actor or an athlete who gets one shot at getting it right, an artist can work on something until it's perfect before releasing it into the world.  I always want to change something about myself, and then I'll be ready to look for work, look for dates, get my art out there.  I'm always 'almost ready' to launch.

Is putting in the hard work and hearing the word 'no' going to feel worse than sitting around crying about things?  Trying and failing is better than doing nothing.
Am I doing everything in my power to get what I want?
And power is relative.  I might not have a lot of energy at the moment, but I have to do as much as I can manage, until I get stronger.  I'll probably find I have a lot more power than I realized.

Ponderings

I have a terrible cold and cough. No wonder I've been so tired all week.
Therefore, I am surfing the internet and thinking about things today.

(Over 8600 views on the blog.  Who reads this thing? Anyways, here are my random mutterings)

Internship: Foresee a major personality conflict with one of the other interns, K.  She was kinda rude to me yesterday in that infuriating extra polite way that's hard to find fault with but you know is condescending.

Friend in the north: Friend called yesterday and we talked for an hour and a half.  She said everything I was going through was normal and I'd be fine.  She said, "but just to warn you, when you're in a better place, you'll hate him for a while.  Or at least the time you wasted with him."  I couldn't really picture that- it was only 10 months, I got my first romantic experience, and he's recovering from a stroke.  But I am a little mad at Walrus, so maybe I will pass through that phase.

OKCupid: Last week got a message I was kinda excited about, based on a month of no messages from anybody I would even consider meeting.  I wrote back, and he (E) wrote back today.  Disappointed.  Did not get a good feeling from it.  Long, weirdly formal, and the writing had the flavour of someone who's learning English.   E is into sci-fi, which isn't a dealbreaker but doesn't score any points with me.  The whole thing just had the feeling of a long nervous ramble from someone who's trying to hold back enthusiasm.  That hits my panic button!  Don't want an awkward geek with no social skills!  The weird style of writing made me wonder if he wasn't quite functioning- and after Walrus, I don't want to go near anything like that.

English might be his second language- I can easily check that on his profile or even- ask him why he's so formal!  That would excuse him, a little, although I'd still be a bit disappointed.  I have a thing for writers and I love wordplay, even though I usually can't keep up with anyone who really writes a lot.

I am not obligated to go out with him after one message.  I can stop talking to him at any time.  It's awkward, but it has to happen.  Right now I am ignoring it for a while.

Dating in General:  I read this article this morning on the art of saying no.  Highly recommend it. Captain Awkward has become my go-to site for learning how to navigate the world.

Captain Awkward says relationships should feel awesome and you have the right to say no to anybody you don't feel awesome about, and it can be totally subjective, even shallow.  You don't like their voice, their smell, their taste in movies....You choose where to give your love and who to spend your time with.

I am having a big freak out about the idea of dating.  I realized that people in my life who are in relationships just sorta fell into them.  They had to start dating each other of course, but they didn't play the numbers game, didn't date lots of different people, didn't have strings of relationships....It was fairly easy.  It just happened.

(Temper tantrum that it has to be so hard for me!)

And I'm trying to tell myself that rejection is part of life, that I have to go out there and meet people until I meet someone who 'gets' me (I don't believe in The One.  I think there are many (at least a few?) men out there I could love.)
But to date, I have to be able to say no and there's JUST SO MUCH AWKWARDNESS.  Did I keep going out with Walrus to avoid it?  Ack.

Which leads me to...

Creeps, Angry people, Sad Sacks:
Reading Captain Awkward, and you know, just being alive, it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people out there with problems.  Some are their fault, some aren't.  For whatever reason, they're in a bad place, maybe for a short while, maybe forever.  I've already figured out DON'T TRY TO SAVE THEM, although part of me still thinks they can use a hand.  This is the question I constantly wrestle with- if I wrote novels, this would be the big dramatic question.  Are we obligated to help?  Does avoiding sad people protect our happiness?  At what point does helping someone stop helping them (and start hurting you)?

Internet dating can be great to meet people in totally different social circles, in a new city, with similar weird interests to you...but it can also be scary.   Dangerous, if you get a weirdo.  Awkward and very not-fun if you get someone clingy, angry, rude, depressed....

I was depressed, not for very long, and a friend walked away from me at that time.  I think I might have some low level depression/self esteem issues, but I think I sort of function.  I want a boyfriend, and I'm sad, but I hope not desperate and weird because of it.  But when I was depressed, I was clingy, I was negative, I was EVEN MORE CRITICAL THAN USUAL.  When people are hurting, they do weird, weird things.  It makes them not like themselves even more, which makes them weirder, people shun then....downward spiral into social reject/self-sabotage/bad bad place.

Captain Awkward has had a few posts on creepiness and rape culture lately and in the comment section, people are self-identifying as someone who got creepy for a while during a bad time.
I think everybody, male and female, should read the stuff about rape, but that's another topic.
My main point is that many of us lack the skills to help ourselves and to help others in sad times.  Sometimes I just cry for all the broken people out there (My poor sad Walrus).  Maybe I should change careers (again!) and become a therapist.....Not really.  It would be a heartbreaking job.  I recommend the film Another Year by Mike Leigh for a look at a happily married couple, one of whom happens to be a therapist, and the people in their lives they just can't help.  So beautifully sad.

Life:  I don't know where I'm going with all this rambling.  Life is beautiful; life is scary.  I'm learning.  What else can you do?

Boring Friday Night...

The quality of this blog is slipping.

Here is a link:
Mistakes Introverts Make, on Psychology Today

Are you an introvert?  It's different from being shy.  I happen to be both.
Extroverts get energy from people; introverts get drained.

I get energy from the right people in the right situations.  Introverts don't need to be alone ALL the time.  I do hate small talk and chit-chat.  I want to dive in to the deep stuff- otherwise we're just wasting our breath. And I'm quick to judge.  The article addresses both these topics.

Between Psychology Today and Captain Awkward, the internet has provided all the answers.  Ha!  Now to apply this new-found knowledge....

Various updates:

Walrus:  
Announced on fb that his search for subsidized housing is progressing and he expects to be out of the group home by the end of the month.  So strange not to be the first one to hear the news.  I texted him to ask about it.  Small chitchat about his camping trip, my internship.  I asked if he wanted to keep in touch.  He said "Certainly, if you prefer."  He's so formal.  And what does he prefer?  Then he invited me to the housewarming he's planning to hold when he's in the new place.
Not sure what I'm doing, continuing to contact him.  I don't think the thank you letter is ever coming.  I think he's forgotten.  Or if he hasn't, he has a hard time taking the idea that he has to do a certain task, and making plans to do so in a timely manner.  I am hoping for this realization, confession, that I was a good girlfriend and he is eternally grateful, even though I understand how my help wasn't helpful.  I was not his reason for living.  Life is not a Frank Capra movie.

Internship:
I probably shouldn't have accepted the lesser internship, because I'm bitter.  The other interns are not all that great and it is pissing me off.  One is all right, although unsure of herself and makes statements sound like questions.  One is too sure of herself, and announces every minor achievement, takes over group work, and has a really fake persona.  She practically coos into the phone.  The other two are making a lot of mistakes.  (So bitter!)  My role is really minor, I'm coming to realize.  I have to find some food and raffle prize donations- the least appealing kind of job for me- asking strangers to give me stuff.  I think I can still learn something from observing how the festival is organized, and I can still do my best.  There might be a chance for me to step up, but only if my attitude is good.

General Mood:
Still cry easily, but now my eyes just water for a few minutes, whereas I used to sob and wail for good twenty minute intervals.
Really tired after this week. I am a bit ill and my legs are ache-y.
Weird confession: Lately, I've been having this craving.  I want to make out with someone. Like, wet sloppy kisses roll around on the couch making out.  When I had somebody to do that with, I didn't like it all that much.  Poor confused body finally decides this sex thing might be okay, and now it's too late.

OKCupid:
Got a message from a 21 year old who said he liked older women because they knew what they wanted.  Hahaha!  I know I don't want a 21 year old, thanks.  Look me up when I'm forty-six and wearing leopard print.

Two nights ago, I got a nice thoughtful message from someone on OKC.  Finally!  I had looked at his profile previously, and it was cleverly written but I didn't see any obvious similarities and I moved on.  Not that I'm ready to contact men yet...but his profile didn't make an impression on me. Maybe I'd reached profile overload at that point.

 I said no internet dating yet, but I browse OKC when I'm bored/feeling low.  It's interesting to me to see what men say they want, and where they are in their own lives.  It's research.  Yeah, research.  

Anyways, I looked at his profile again and of course it was more interesting.  He's not bad looking.  His real name, as revealed in his message, happens to be my lifelong favourite name for males.  I tried to name my baby brother this particular name when I was five.

I wrote back the day after E (as we will call him) sent it.  He mentioned being an introvert, hence the article posted above.  I procrastinated by reading articles about introverts while trying to think what to say in the message.   No reply yet.

So a weird time of crying for Walrus, and getting excited at the thought of something new.  At the moment these are two very separate moods and thought processes.  At some moment they will probably meet, and I will be confused and feel guilty.  How long do you have to wait before you date again?  How do I tell Walrus?  Why is that my problem?  He had his chance.  What if the new thing is really good and I realize how crummy it was with Walrus?  Is that good or bad?  I will probably find a way to feel bad about it, and will also cry tears of happiness and relief that I finally know what everybody's so fussed about.  I will finally be in love.

Wait a minute!  Don't get carried away there, Eleanor!  All this turmoil, all this hope, for 100 words from an internet stranger.

Internship

Little update:  I started my internship today and I think it will be good for me.  It's with an arts festival, and I'm going to learn a lot and meet a lot of new people.  Not a lot of men work for the festival- sigh!  Seven women and one goofy young guy in our office.  Really, single men should not be the first thing on my mind.
I looked around at the other interns- the ones who got the full-time internship I applied for and didn't get- and they don't seem all that spectacular.  But, I've got the half-time internship and I've got to do my best at it.
I have been feeling a little ill for the past few weeks- some gunk in my lungs that makes my body feel so heavy in the mornings.  I've been trying Pilates, and I don't know if it's that, or what, but I've been achey in my lower back and legs.  And having headaches...Okay, you get the point- enough complaining- but today I was overwhelmed with information and I just felt like I was in a fog.  I'm exhausted from today.  I need to be present, and talk, and contribute.  I get so quiet- I like to hang back and observe new situations until I get the feel for things.
Anyways, here's to a new adventure.  I need to keep a good attitude and push myself to be as outgoing as I can muster.

Walrus' mom wrote to me to tell me about the camping trip.  She said he was quiet, maybe depressed, the first few days.  He couldn't help set up the campsite like he used to.  He got confused playing Yahtzee. They had to talk to him about hygiene and he bummed cigarettes off his sister.  Sigh.  His parents couldn't get him to talk about anything; I don't know how hard they tried.

At this point, I'm just getting numb to the situation.  He is undateable, I already knew that, and I don't know when I knew that and tried to ignore it or tried to change it or starting driving myself and him crazy.  I wanted to still be friends, and help him, and be on his team, but now I'm feeling the best thing to do is just leave him alone.  If he wanted a friend, I know I'd be there for him, but he has to choose to contact me, and I don't think he will.  I'll see him in September when choir starts up again-  I think the time will go by quickly for me.

Have you ever known a couple, or friends, who broke up and actually thrived afterwards?  Sometimes people hold each other back from growing.  Sometimes the pain of things going wrong makes people who were really emotionally stunted really wake up and make enormous strides.  That would be the best case scenario here, for both of us.

Walrus didn't send me the thank you letter.  I am trying to stop expecting it.  I was going to tell him he didn't have to write it- he doesn't have to feel obligated to me.  I chose to do everything I did for him.  I wrote an email saying that, but didn't send it- just waited to see what he would do.

Crash

Here I am blogging again.  It's unbearably hot and I decided not to go to drawing class, but to stay in my basement studio all day instead.  I wrote myself this big pep talk and got all fired up and tried to draw but soon drifted back to the internet.  I was reading an article about how to be more fun.  I read this, and had a wee breakdown.

Being too uptight can generally contribute to people being less fun. Recognize any of these?

• "These people are so shallow. Why don't more people want to have deep, intellectual conversations?"
• "Drunk people are so annoying"
• "Ugh, everyone's being so loud and obnoxious?"
• "Why are those people dancing like that? It's so embarrassing"
• "I can't believe my friends are doing that, what a bunch of idiots"
• "I'm too mature to do that"
• "Eww, this place is so hot, and loud, and smelly"
• "Do these people really think this is amusing?"

And on and on. As I wrote earlier, having fun often involves letting loose and acting less proper and controlled than you normally do. Lighten up a little. You can't bring rigid, serious, humorless sensibilities to fun situations.

It made me feel like a big poo-head.  I have all these high-minded ideas and think I'm a good person and people should just like me, but they just want to let loose and I frown at them.

Walrus told me he went to the party without me because I wouldn't have liked the crowd- they swore too much.  He 'just wanted to be himself for a while' which meant he needed to get away from me...

Okay, I'm not saying he was right to sneak off to a party, but he's right- I wouldn't have liked it.  I feel like I'm no fun.  I just wrote about this recently, so I knew it was a problem, but I didn't know I was so hurt about it.  It's been a problem for years. 

 I am mystified why people like drinking. Why is it fun to get together and be dumb and loud?  I do think it's fun to dance, but the funnest things to me are having good conversations and being creative together.  The article tells readers to loosen up, and let small social annoyances go, not to expect people to behave well.  I can see me getting upset by all of those things.  Sometimes I try to drink a little, or try to relax, but I don't truly enjoy it and never seek out those types of social experiences.

The article made me really angry.  Why do I have to do something I don't like?  Why do I have to dumb it down?  Is this the only way to be socially successful?  

And I hated thinking that Walrus saw me as someone who wasn't fun, and needed to get away from me to have fun.  He just wanted to feel normal, so he went to a party.  I would have told him not to drink, so I wasn't invited.  He had a stroke- what role was left for me but to be the responsible one?

Back to Captain Awkward, and this wonderful post in which the Captain tells the letter writer it's okay to leave her husband Dave: 

Any problem that is not being actively addressed and that makes you go “Oh shit, do I really want to be involved with someone that has that much crap going on?” is fair game. Wait, did I say it had to be severe and horrible? No. Dealbreakers take many forms. “Does stuff that annoys me.” “Not good in bed.” “Has stupid political opinions.” “Mama’s boy.” “I don’t like his smell.” “Inattentive.” It’s okay to be picky. You don’t have to be fair about where you bestow your heart and your time and attention.

We are all flawed creatures. We all have problems. No one is perfect. I too was taught that I was supposed to forgive everyone in advance, just like Jesus. But some people are kind of really undateable until they start dealing with their own shit in an adult way that has hope of getting resolved, and I don’t have to be their personal Jesus. Nor do you. I have depression. Guess what? I have broken up with or not gotten further involved with people because they have untreated depression. I know that scares the shit out of a lot of people reading this, like, is she telling my partner to break up with me or that I am unlovable because I have problems? Well, if you aren’t dealing with your problems, and your problems are actively making life unhappy for you and your partner, and they feel like they can’t or don’t want to deal, then, yeah, maybe. People get to leave you if being with you is making them unhappy and they don’t have to exhaust every possibility before coming to that decision. And you could also make the choice to leave them for any reason at any time. Love is and should be a choice.

I don’t know what makes us double down with people like Dave. I don’t know what makes Sadness and Eternal Childhood and Addiction Issues or Chronic Fucked-upness into this magnetic pull for us. We don’t want to be the asshole who leaves someone for stuff that technically isn’t their fault? We want to feel needed? We want someone who will never leave us? We see the potential that is there and make a bet on it instead of dealing with what is? We feel like no one will ever love our fucked-up selves so we have to take it where we can find it? We like fixing stuff and feeling like the more together one in the relationship? We swallow the “All Relationships Take Work” narrative and decide somewhere that the more work something is the more worthwhile it is and roll up our sleeves? What fallacy is it that holds being totally-and-completely-non-judgmental as a thing to aspire to?

You can reject someone as a romantic partner for any reason at any time, so I want to say: It’s okay to decide that someone has Too Many Problems and that you don’t want to take those on as your own. Use your judgment. Go ahead and judge. It’s not a moral failure on your part, ok? “You are Too Sad to be my boyfriend, sorry.“

The highlights are my own.  I've already talked about rescuing people, but this says it pretty plainly.  Was I unhappy?  Yes.  Did I use my words to explain what the problem was?  Yes.  Did he try to change anything?  No- he couldn't or wouldn't.  He hated my role as much as I did.  So, that isn't a healthy relationship, and I should be glad it didn't go on for years.  (Still pissed we didn't have sex though.)  

I have to work on my own problems so that I'm not Too Sad To be someone's girlfriends.  I made my list of goals and got overwhelmed- part of the reason for today's crash.  Just have to take small steps... Really miss having someone to talk to- my friend in the north is distracted by her new fella.  Hard to have deep phone conversations when he sneaks up and tickles her while she's on the phone.  (So rude!)  

Sigh.  Gotta tough this out...

Pep Talk

Ok kiddo.  It's time to stop crying.  He wasn't that great. 

How are you going to get from here to the life you want, and the Eleanor you want to be? 
Who do you want to date (when you dream about your right person), and what would they want in a partner?

Here's what you're going to do.  You're going to work on making your life great, for you alone, and then you're going to go out there and get rejected.

Yes.  Rejected.  You're going to get rejected for a hundred jobs and dozens of art directors won't look at your portfolio and some friends will be busy when you ask them to coffee and men on online dating sites won't write back and you will go on some dates that won't be fun and all of those things will be badges of honour because you're going to keep putting yourself out there.

You thought life was just going to happen for you and it didn't.  You're not just going to sit there and wait for things to come to you anymore.  Did you really think the first person you dated would be the love of your life forever?  Dating is a little bit of a numbers game, same as getting a job, or getting your art published.  Rejection is a part of it, for everybody.  You get to do some rejecting too.  You've got to be prepared for that.  Each new person is a fresh start and could be the right one, no matter how many rejections are behind you.

Work on improving the product (you as artist, employee, girlfriend) and keep trying. 

A quick list of goals you (Eleanor) can refine later:

• Make a list of what you do want in a partner.  You can blog it here.  You're blogging a bit too much though.
• Exercise and eat healthy.  I think you (Eleanor) can be 10 pounds lighter by the end of the year.  Don't worry too much about the weight, worry about the healthy lifestyle.
• Get out in nature.  If you are in a little bit better shape, you can try hiking.  There's a month left in summer- can you find someone to go camping with?
• You're going to draw and create way more.  Maybe 10 hours a week to start?  Olympic atheletes are training 30 hours a week to be the best.  You have to have some of that drive.  You have to be willing to do bad drawings to get the good ones.  Same with ideas. 
• Go to life drawing- you have some pre-paid tickets to use up, and you can meet other artists.
• Send out another round of postcards or approach coffee shops to show your work.  Get it out there!
• Apply for any job you have an interest in and don't worry if you don't qualify.  Start visiting and talking to people at organizations you'd be interested in working for.  Tell your friends you're looking for work. 
• Get ready to move out.  Talk about it with mom.  Make a budget.  Keep an eye on ads for roommates.  Acquire furniture and household items. 
• The best way to help mom is to do more around the house so she doesn't get overwhelmed.  This is going to suck but it's the least you can do if you live rent-free, ya mooch.
• Accept all invites, go to events alone, look for clubs or classes or volunteer opportunities.  Your biggest obstacle is loneliness, which makes you weepy and you can't do anything until you talk it out with somebody (which is why you blog)  You need new friends, and that will take time and effort.  http://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife
• Keep living eco-friendly and doing what you believe in.
• Ask friends and acquaintances to do stuff with you.  Throw a bbq party at your (mom's) house before the end of summer.
• You can have an online dating profile up but I don't think you're ready just yet to focus on dating.  It would be a dream come true to be meet someone in the real world and not online, but you have to use all avenues available to you.  Maybe next month you can put up a new picture and contact people you're interested in.  I know a relationship is the thing you want most in life, and it is possible to meet someone while unemployed and living at home, but you're going to feel so much better about yourself if your life is on the right track, and that will make your relationship better.

You're going to be too busy to feel sorry for yourself. 

Ready.... set.....go!

To sum up

Things I've learned from My First Relationship:

1. Somebody thought I was beautiful, and still thought it after we broke up.

2.  I am a planner.  I think of myself as a loosey-goosey artist, because I am messy and like flexibility, but I also like to show up on time, make lists and charts, and pack the perfect overnight bag.  My response to Walrus' muddledness was to go into planning overdrive.

3.  Use your words.  It was always better to say something when there was something wrong.  I did stupid things to shield Walrus from my emotions- and maybe a tiny percent of the time that was the right thing to do- but in general, if we talked about it, things got better.  A whole lot better. We usually used texting for our big conversations, which wasn't my first choice, but worked better for Walrus.

4.  Love.  I obviously haven't learned everything about love after one relationship.  I didn't get the butterflies in my stomach, head over heels, I-want-to-shout-it-to-the-world feeling I'm told can happen.  Sparks?  Chemistry?  That side of love hopefully will happen for me another time around.  I just showed up every day when the going got tough- I think it was a kind of love.  Still wondering what 'unconditional' love is...

5. Sex.  Well, I tried it for one thing and even though it didn't go well, we did ...other stuff and I got (almost) comfortable talking about what I wanted.  I bought a toy!  Lots of progress in this department, although more to go. It's better if you talk and laugh about it.

6. I can be very critical.  I expect people close to me to share my values and I get really annoyed when they don't.  Being angry at them isn't going to motivate them to change.  Having different values can also be a strength (but they have to recycle!!!)  I want to work on being more positive or at least, tactful.

7. Do not try to change people.  You can't do it.  You can maybe change a few habits if the person is willing to compromise (and you're willing to change a few bad habits of your own), but you have to love that person as they are.  Don't change for the other person either.

8.  Do not try to rescue people.  You can't do that either.  It's heartbreaking, but people with emotional baggage need to put in the work to make changes themselves.  They don't have anything to give to a relationship, and that's not balanced.

9.  If you choose to support someone through depression, don't overhelp.  Love them, have fun together, help when they ask for it.  Keep living your own life and keep yourself happy.

10.  I learned a lot about strokes and brain injuries, which may or not be useful for the future.  Obviously not going to be seeking out men with brain injuries next time around....I did get a reminder of how fragile life is, and how important it is to take care of your body.  I got a good look at the health care system in my province, and what life is like for the disabled in our society.

11.  Other people's families are crazy. Oh wait, so is mine.

12.  Break-ups suck, big time.  You cannot just turn off the love as if it were a faucet.  It keeps flowing.  You might have a little bit of love for that person forever.  It's because you're a good person and love is the best part of you.

13.  I have a big sore spot about the word 'fun'.  I don't drink and I don't like parties and I'm an introvert.  Walrus and I didn't always agree on what was fun, and I got a bit weird about it, because I felt like I wasn't a fun person.

14.  Don't neglect yourself.  You both need time apart to do your own thing.  I'm trying to work on all the areas of my life that I didn't make time for during the relationship.

15.  I need to move out.

16.  I had a lot of fear about relationships, mostly about sex, but some harder to define ones about the alien species known as men, and about me being somehow unlovable or weird.  I think some progress has been made here too... I think I did OK for a first time out.

A small little insight

Immediately after posting (twice) last night about how I didn't cry all day, I read a post on Captain Awkward and cried a little bit.  I thought there wasn't more to learn about this relationship but this helped me see his side of things more.  Ten months in a relationship, one month (and counting) to process it...

The letter writer wants to know how to help her boyfriend who is having health problems and depression.  The short answer- you can't.  You can only love him, be positive, take care of yourself, and do what you can.  Offer help, but if he says no, take him at his word.

The reader comments on this site are amazing, just as positive and wise as the advice from the columnist.  This comment hit me like a ton of bricks:

I have a boyfriend who has several congenital heart defects and is unemployable because of them – no health insurance company covers 100% of anything except the medical you get with disability. There are many things he can’t do. I don’t try to do stuff for him because that would just rub it in. I can’t get him a job and I can’t fix him – for political and medical reasons these problems are larger than my capabilities. All I can do is love him the way he is. I used to want to fix things, but then I realized that all I was doing by stressing myself out over his condition was stressing him out, too – and depressing him.

LW, you are not his nurse, his therapist, his social services provider, or his headhunter. When you step into those roles, you are telling him that you are better than he is because you can fix the problems he can’t. This makes disabled people feel like shit. If he needs a nurse, a therapist, a social services provider, or a headhunter, he can go get one – and if he wants your help, he can ask for it. *Be his girlfriend.* Believe me, that’s enough.

Walrus never liked being fussed over. If I force my help on him, expect him to be grateful- how's he going to feel good about that? He'll just feel there's a debt he can never repay. My intentions were good, but my 'help' was also somehow about me. The best way to be in his life would be to love him for him, and have fun with him, and help only when he asked. Anything he asked for, I would have been happy to do. I was always worried he couldn't do things, but I never gave him the chance to fail. Well, sometimes he did fail, and then I never gave him the chance to try again, because I assumed he wasn't capable.
There is a good chance that that still wouldn't have been enough- his problems might have been too big or we just might never have been a good match. I'm just saying I understand what he said about smothering. I was too helpful and I didn't really show much confidence in him.
And just to make the situation more impossible- when I did think he was capable of more, I got angry when he didn't do the things I thought were within his grasp. That meant I was always one of two things- either critical and mean when I thought he could do it, or patronizing and smother-y when I thought he couldn't.
I was really angry at him a lot, that last month together, and it might have been partly because he wasn't the boyfriend I wanted him to be, the boyfriend I'd waited for.
Also- sometimes he didn't mind getting my help. It's a bit complicated, accepting it but not appreciating it... I think I get it- sometimes when we wish we could do things ourselves, we get mad at people who are taking care of us, we devalue or resent their help so that we don't have to feel grateful and in their debt or that we are unable to do it alone.
I should post that stuff his therapist sent me about depression. I think people everywhere need to know how to support people going through bad times. It's not a common skill!
I'm fairly calm. At least I understand a bit better why this happened. I can't be too mad at myself for not knowing how to deal with something this big, especially when he didn't really communicate what he needed. We weren't together long enough to know each other's unspoken needs.

Goal Setting

This is a screen shot from my goal tracking page on Joe's Goals.  Having a goal to work towards is a big part of a happy life.  Feeling that you've accomplished something, no matter how small, is a way to get out of depression.
Anyways, just thought I'd share my daily and weekly goals.  Joe's Goals is pretty easy to use.  I've set up quite a complicated system!  You can see from the picture that some goals are weighted some more heavily than others, and some actions give me a negative score.  Cleaning and drawing all day might rack up the points, but it isn't a balanced life- I take off 3 points if I don't leave the house.  Meeting a new person (male or female) and getting their contact info would give 10 points, but I haven't managed to do it yet.   Charlie is my dog.  Update blog means my art blog, not this one.

The picture is cut off, but the bottom of each column shows the total score for each day.

I need to finesse it a little, but you get the idea.   What do you do to keep you on track with your goals?

Accentuate the Positive

I'm in a fairly good mood right now.  I met a friend at the farmer's market, got some fresh produce and buckwheat crepes, and had a nice visit with her.  So simple- I need to get out of the house!  If I stay home all day, I always feel low.  I knew that before the break-up.  I need to tattoo it on my forehead!

I spent a long time reading the Captain Awkward advice column.  I also looked at Getting Past Your Breakup.  I don't want to take comfort in the misery of others, but other people have had worse breakups and survived.  Yeah, I needed to learn that.  I'm very interested in learning about all relationships right now- the good and the bad.  The saddest ones are where the relationship was working really well, and one partner decides he/she had to go find themselves.  Wow.  I can't imagine what that would be like for the one left behind.

Captain Awkward is very fun and very adult-virgin/geek friendly.  It's got its own lingo I haven't quite figured out but regular readers obviously get, since the comments use the same terms.  Jedi hugs!  I also like the idea of 'Team You'. When you're in trouble, you figure out who's on your team and you tell them how they can help you.  They can be gatekeepers that can field questions from curious onlookers and acquaintances who mean well but say the wrong things.

I'm wondering if I'll be on Walrus' team or not.  I might offer to be, and I'll call it that.  A member of his team.  He can decide if I'm a help or a hindrance.  After all, not many people know what this year was like for him- I still might be the person in his life with the deepest knowledge of that.  I am fully aware (or trying to be) that this is a tricky thing to pull off- it might not be good for him, or for me.  I have some feelings of guilt- that seems to be normal after breakups- but I also think I have a better idea of how to support him now.  Thinking about this makes me feel better.  Just have to watch that I don't try to rescue him.  We have to be civil to each other so we can both go to choir.  We have been gentle with each other so far.
We will see.

Anyways, it has been helpful to me to see what is a normal response to a break-up (everything I'm going through is pretty much run-of-the-mill.  Loneliness, blaming him, blaming myself, getting angry because he told me 'forever', feeling guilty, wanting him back, wanting someone new, eating chocolate)  The book on happiness was also helpful in a weird way- there will be suffering and it can be endured.

It's weird how you can look at your own emotions and once you get that distance you can control them.  It changes from 'I am sad' to 'I have feelings of sadness'.

So finally a day without crying. I'll take it.

Fun Link: Captain Awkward!

Other people's love lives are f***ed up too!  I have chosen this one as a positive reminder that it's not going to be easy, but you have to keep your chin up.
http://captainawkward.com/2012/04/03/221-there-is-no-normal-way-to-be-or-fall-in-love/

Stoic

I am still in love (we'll call it that) with his potential.  That must be it.  How else can I explain this heartache?
If he was a penpal boyfriend, he'd be perfect.  He said the most beautiful things in writing, he could sometimes show his vulnerable side, and there was no sign of a brain injury.  We'd keep relations strictly to texting and kissing.

I've romanticized the relationship.  He did when we first got together, had big dreams for us, and I was practical- I never said I'd love him forever.  Now he walks away easily and I'm crying because I thought my love could help him through this, would bind us together... Or at least I thought being with me was better than being alone. 

I don't actually know if he walked away easily.  I don't know how he's dealing with this.  Me knowing shouldn't matter because it doesn't change the outcome.  When I see him, I don't want him.  I want him to want me.  I want more love poems!  Or I want the idealized version of him I construct from those poems....

I just finished reading Secrets of Happiness by Richard Schoch  It's not a self help book- it's a look at how religions and philosophers have defined happiness through the ages.  It's divided into four themes: pleasure, desire, reason and suffering, and touches on all the major world religions as well as Greek and Roman philosophers.  It's a fairly easy read, but you can think about it as deeply as you like.  I recommend it.  It goes from the superficial into a deeper understanding.  It doesn't reveal any secrets- only that happiness is a path that is different for everyone. It's hard to put into words what I got out of it.  I cried several times reading it, not that making me cry is much of an accomplishment these days.

I really responded to the section on Stoicism.  You probably know what it is- suffering bravely, staying detatched and indifferent to the circumstances.  A torturer cannot take your happiness from you because you control your own inner life.  It's a lot like Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl's philosophy- (I wrote about him earlier.)  The Stoics believed in taking part in public life, and finding happiness in the world rather than retreating from it (like a religious mystic or scholar might do.)  They believed in being virtuous and doing one's duty.  When suffering came, knowing you were righteous would help you endure it.  Aristotle was a little bit more forgiving- he thought not being virtuous when things got tough was part of what makes us human. 

Anyways, the point is, I am not very forgiving either.  I think people should strive to be good even when it's the most difficult to do so.  But it's all theoretical, because I haven't really suffered all that much, and I am not always virtuous.  I sure expected Walrus to be, though.  Telling someone with a brain injury to suffer bravely is a bit like telling someone with a broken leg to run faster.  The tool that controls emotions isn't working.  In fact, a broken brain throws one hell of a tantrum when it can't do what it used to.

I should take my own advice- do what's right for him, not for my ego, and endure the pain.  Because it will pass.  Goodbyes are part of life.  If I am crying because I feel fear for the future, that is irrational.  I don't know what's coming.  I can guess that there will be happiness and suffering ahead.  I must seek my own path to happiness, for seeking is finding.

No Improvement

I'm still crying several times a day.  What do I do?  How do I get over this?

I just realized all my old texts to Walrus are gone from my phone.  I think it might have something to do with him getting a new phone.  If he deleted them from the old phone, are they gone forever? 
Every nice thing he ever said to me, gone.  Just like the relationship I guess.  Anyways, that made me cry.

My mom is being frustrating.  She wanted new deck chairs for her birthday so my sister and I shopped for two hours yesterday.  It was a fairly big purchase for us, so we decided to ask her more about what she wanted.  Reclining, gliding, folding?  Colourful or neutral?  Her answer was 'I don't know' to everything.  Today, my sister and I decided to purchase the ones we liked best, but as we got ready to leave for the shopping excursion, Mom said "Don't buy me anything"

Arrgh!  I don't understand her.  She has mild hoarding behavior- she's not keeping garbage at least, but anything that we had from the days when we were a complete family of five, she has to keep.  Our baby clothes, books, even a sound system that we have no use for...
And she has a hard time with new furniture and major purchases.  She shops and shops and shops and is sooooo close to buying and then just wants to check one last thing, or sleep on it, and she never buys it.  I thought she wanted us to buy the deck chairs so she could avoid that process, but asking her what she wanted only made her vicariously involved, I guess.

I worry about her.  I worry that she can't function.  I worry that I'll have to take care of her.  Forever.
(This is what it said in the article about women trying to fix broken men- they feel like they've had to take care of a family member already)

I'm trying to take care of myself.  Trying to exercise and eat right.  A few years ago I went on a special diet because I was worried about being insulin resistant and went down (almost effortlessly!)  to a size 6.  Now I'm back at size 12, which is still a fairly healthy weight, but frustrating because I know I can be smaller.   I know I'm not in good physical shape either, which should really be my goal, not to look good in clothes, but to be able to do a short hike.

I'm trying to get back into drawing and it's about as painful as getting back into shape.  No stamina, rusty skills, no idea where to start.

I've been cleaning the house.  I'm tired of living like this.

I told myself to stay away from online dating, but then I got a message I got really excited about.  The email just shows half a message as a teaser, so I made myself wait all day to sign into OKC and read the whole thing.  His profile photo was good but he was wearing sunglasses- but when I saw the other photos my heart fell.  So funny looking!  I wasn't attracted to Walrus, but I wasn't disgusted by him either.  Men really rate girls on how they look; I shouldn't feel bad if I do it a little.  A little bit of physical attraction goes a long way.  Anyways, it's too soon to date, but I'd feel a little bit better if I got some interest from somebody I'd even consider meeting!

Every day goes by slowly.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I am trying to buckle down, but it is not easy.  I am just longing for the pain to stop, for some fun.  Ironically, I understand what Walrus is going through better than ever.  I can easily believe his situation would feel more hopeless than mine, and look at all the whining I'm doing! 

I have dates with friends the next two days, hopefully that will get me through until the internship starts next week.

I planted some hollyhock seeds today, so that they'll be flowering next year.  A year ago today I hadn't even met Walrus.  My friend in the north hadn't met her fellow and had no idea she would move to a new province (territory, technically) to be with him.  A lot can happen in a year.  What other seeds are being planted now?  (oh cheesy writing!)