No Improvement

I'm still crying several times a day.  What do I do?  How do I get over this?

I just realized all my old texts to Walrus are gone from my phone.  I think it might have something to do with him getting a new phone.  If he deleted them from the old phone, are they gone forever? 
Every nice thing he ever said to me, gone.  Just like the relationship I guess.  Anyways, that made me cry.

My mom is being frustrating.  She wanted new deck chairs for her birthday so my sister and I shopped for two hours yesterday.  It was a fairly big purchase for us, so we decided to ask her more about what she wanted.  Reclining, gliding, folding?  Colourful or neutral?  Her answer was 'I don't know' to everything.  Today, my sister and I decided to purchase the ones we liked best, but as we got ready to leave for the shopping excursion, Mom said "Don't buy me anything"

Arrgh!  I don't understand her.  She has mild hoarding behavior- she's not keeping garbage at least, but anything that we had from the days when we were a complete family of five, she has to keep.  Our baby clothes, books, even a sound system that we have no use for...
And she has a hard time with new furniture and major purchases.  She shops and shops and shops and is sooooo close to buying and then just wants to check one last thing, or sleep on it, and she never buys it.  I thought she wanted us to buy the deck chairs so she could avoid that process, but asking her what she wanted only made her vicariously involved, I guess.

I worry about her.  I worry that she can't function.  I worry that I'll have to take care of her.  Forever.
(This is what it said in the article about women trying to fix broken men- they feel like they've had to take care of a family member already)

I'm trying to take care of myself.  Trying to exercise and eat right.  A few years ago I went on a special diet because I was worried about being insulin resistant and went down (almost effortlessly!)  to a size 6.  Now I'm back at size 12, which is still a fairly healthy weight, but frustrating because I know I can be smaller.   I know I'm not in good physical shape either, which should really be my goal, not to look good in clothes, but to be able to do a short hike.

I'm trying to get back into drawing and it's about as painful as getting back into shape.  No stamina, rusty skills, no idea where to start.

I've been cleaning the house.  I'm tired of living like this.

I told myself to stay away from online dating, but then I got a message I got really excited about.  The email just shows half a message as a teaser, so I made myself wait all day to sign into OKC and read the whole thing.  His profile photo was good but he was wearing sunglasses- but when I saw the other photos my heart fell.  So funny looking!  I wasn't attracted to Walrus, but I wasn't disgusted by him either.  Men really rate girls on how they look; I shouldn't feel bad if I do it a little.  A little bit of physical attraction goes a long way.  Anyways, it's too soon to date, but I'd feel a little bit better if I got some interest from somebody I'd even consider meeting!

Every day goes by slowly.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I am trying to buckle down, but it is not easy.  I am just longing for the pain to stop, for some fun.  Ironically, I understand what Walrus is going through better than ever.  I can easily believe his situation would feel more hopeless than mine, and look at all the whining I'm doing! 

I have dates with friends the next two days, hopefully that will get me through until the internship starts next week.

I planted some hollyhock seeds today, so that they'll be flowering next year.  A year ago today I hadn't even met Walrus.  My friend in the north hadn't met her fellow and had no idea she would move to a new province (territory, technically) to be with him.  A lot can happen in a year.  What other seeds are being planted now?  (oh cheesy writing!)