Am I doing everything in my power?

Day four of being sick.  Seeing a doctor later today.

I took my own advice and got a DVD of Another Year out from the library and watched it this morning.  Very lovely film, although very not-Hollywood.  Its theme is exactly the one I always ponder- happiness, and choosing to help or not help sad people.

I don't want to be a sad person. I WILL NOT let myself be a sad person.

This morning I had the bright idea of grading myself in all areas of life.  Bad idea.  Didn't follow through with it as I suspect I would give myself no better than a C+, and failing grades in most.  Too depressing.  But, it is safe to say I am not happy with where I am in: Health/Fitness, Career/Employment, Independence, Social Life, Love/Sex, and Artistic Development.  So, you know, there's some work to be done.  I guess I can only go up from here, eh?

There should be a gap between who you are and who you want to be- that challenges you.  Too big a gap, and you are in danger of giving up and becoming a sad person.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.   Other times I don't see anything majorly wrong with me, so I must be cursed. I can blame circumstance all I want, but the truth is I don't really push myself or go after what I want.  Sure, I work hard at school but not too hard, and without that structure I can get a bit lost.  I really thought things just happened in life.  I knew I had to practice drawing to be an artist; I didn't know that you had to work just as hard to get your art into the public.  In high school I thought if my crush found out I liked him, I would die; I didn't realize somebody has to take the risk to say 'Hey, I like you' or nothing will ever happen.

Unlike an actor or an athlete who gets one shot at getting it right, an artist can work on something until it's perfect before releasing it into the world.  I always want to change something about myself, and then I'll be ready to look for work, look for dates, get my art out there.  I'm always 'almost ready' to launch.

Is putting in the hard work and hearing the word 'no' going to feel worse than sitting around crying about things?  Trying and failing is better than doing nothing.
Am I doing everything in my power to get what I want?
And power is relative.  I might not have a lot of energy at the moment, but I have to do as much as I can manage, until I get stronger.  I'll probably find I have a lot more power than I realized.