Pity Party!

Okay four and a half days at home sick does not improve my mood.  During that time, I wrote this big long emotion-vomit of a post which I wisely didn't post.  I'll try and salvage what I can out of it.  Also I'm trying to make fun of it.

Feeling-sorry-for-myself Observation #1:
I miss being touched.  Spooning is the best thing ever.  Better than kisses or sexytimes.

Irrational Fix-its for Something I don't really want to fix
I am still very hurt at how it ended.  I keep thinking of how it could have turned out differently that weekend- if only i'd talked to him on Friday night, if only i'd crawled into bed beside him on Saturday afternoon and asked him for what I needed instead of hiding my tears from him...I know that even if that crisis had been averted, there would have been another.  Even if I was always positive and always encouraging, even if I was everything he wanted, I wouldn't have been getting what I needed.

The Real Problem?
I am so insecure about sex.  Walrus and I never got to do that successfully.  Realizing now how unsexual we were together. Pretty early in the relationship, we stopped holding hands, stealing kisses, having make-out sessions...We could, unfortunately, keep our hands off each other pretty easily.  So now I blame myself and feel unattractive.  I know this isn't a logical conclusion but there are some Longstanding Issues in the sex department, who are happy to feed on my anxieties.

Feeling-sorry-for-myself Incident #1
Walrus posted a link on facebook to Feist's "Bad in Each Other" and said it was his song for the year.  The lyrics are

And a good man and a good woman
 can't find the good in each other
And a good man and a good woman
will bring out the worst in each other
the bad in each other

And I sobbed.  I thought it was about us.  He probably just liked the song.

Feeling-sorry-for-myself Observation #2:
I just need someone to talk to and I have no one.

The Real Real Problem and The Solution that's Staring Me in the Face:
I have spent the last five days (two months really) on the couch in mom's living room with the laptop on my lap.  I check email constantly, and instantly respond to any new messages or fb notifications.  Waiting for any kind of contact with people, even digital.  This is pretty sad.  This is not the life I want.

I read an article on Psychology Today and now I can't remember which one, but this scientific study surprised me: It's not very romantic, but the major factor in falling in love is proximity.  People like what's familiar.  If there's a hottie in your building, your chances of getting together are greater if he lives on your floor and even greater  the closer his door is to yours.
Sitting here on this couch, I'm proximate to no potential boyfriends, no potential friends, no potential employers.  I have to get out more.

Some Good News
I went to the doctor.  I don't have a tumour.  I just have trouble with the muscles that control urinating.  Hey, I know, too much information.  Perhaps a factor in me not being able to have sex?  More muscles I can't control.

Weird In-the-Middle Situation
I just got back from visiting Walrus' mom.  She's been emailing me, and inviting me over.  I know she just wants someone to talk about Walrus with, someone who might have some insight.   She can be meddling or overbearing and isn't good at listening to what he's saying.  She's got a lot of the facts wrong.

Anyways, I wrote to Walrus yesterday to tell her I was going to see her.  I had some things of his to return.  I didn't want to talk about him behind his back so that's why I told him.  This led to a back-and-forth email conversation about his mom treating him like an idiot.  I think I said the right things.  I asked if I could give him my two cents.  He agreed.  I wrote this big thing about him speaking up, calmly, firmly, and telling his mom that she needs to trust him.  I said the stuff about getting his team of people together and getting them working for him.  My eyes watered as I wrote it.  Of course I was thinking of me.

I meant to stay neutral when visiting his mom, or to tell her to talk to him.  We made small talk, she would keep bringing the conversation back to Walrus, and it was so easy to echo her concerns, to let slip a little complaint... I'm not neutral.  I'm not a good go-between.

Now Walrus wants to know what she said.  I asked him how knowing would be healing for him or their relationship.

Well that was a long vomitous post!