I was going to write about online dating etiquette. What makes a good profile? What makes a good first message? What do you do if you're not interested? Would you rather get a reply even if it's a no, or would you rather just send your message into the void?
Captain Awkward advocates not responding if you're not interested, or if you must, a simple 'I don't think we have that much in common. Good luck with your search.' I did read another article, somewhere, with the opposite view- you should reply to every message to be polite.
I don't reply very often. I have a hard time saying 'thanks but no thanks' even though I always intend to write them. I don't feel bad about ignoring really stupid 'hey cutie you need me in your life' bravado or obvious copy-paste jobs. I don't like being asked to meet before we know each other's first names, I don't like compliments on my looks, I don't like men mocking my terrible user name. Just a simple "hi, I see we both like this [thing mentioned in your profile]." How hard is that?
Why this topic? E never wrote me back. I know, I panicked when his second message was a long one, but I read it again and thought it wasn't that bad, so I did write back but never got a reply and I know he was online.
Today I decided to take a look at the other girls my age. There are lots of very pretty women doing online dating. I recognized two women! I've also recognized three men- two distant acquaintances and one I met online last year (and really didn't care for!).
Anyways. That'll do on that topic. I just got an email from my dad (whom I'm not speaking to, as he is refusing to pay alimony to my mother) It's full of rubbish, simpering rubbish about how he does everything for his kids. Snort! I fail to see how I benefit from him driving a BMV and going to Mexico and marrying someone only 12 years older than me.
I found out today that not only am I older than all the other interns, I'm also older than my supervisor by five years. My job today was making hand drawn signs with felt pens. Sigh. Put that on the ol' resume.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my hair cut. Going super short pixie cut. Good riddance to bad memories.
Oh Eleanor, you are a very grumpy girl. Something good must be coming soon. It's overdue.
If you have any thoughts on online dating etiquette, or articles discussing this, do send 'em along.
Hi again, I've now read a lot of your blog - you're a good writer so it was easy to keep clicking on post after post! Your history reminds me quite a lot of my own. I don't drink, I'm not great at parties, I think that everyone should recycle - and I too was a late starter. I spent many years in the "I've never done XYZ and don't know where to start" zone.
ReplyDeleteThese days I'm no longer in that zone but I've never forgotten how it felt, and reading your blog has helped to make some of those memories more vivid, which I've found interesting. I have some thoughts on several of your previous posts. I've also occasionally gotten carried away with giving unsolicited advice in the past, so I thought I'd ask: would you prefer such advice in comment form, or in email form, or is it better to keep some of my thoughts to myself?
To address the topic of this particular post: I think that not replying to some messages is fine in terms of etiquette. I think it partly just depends on how you feel - if you were in their shoes, which would you prefer? Personally, when I was online dating I preferred getting a "No" rather than silence, but also I understand that some people out there don't take "No" very well and might keep pestering for more information.
Also: I've read quite a few dating blogs and advice pages, but I think Captain Awkward is possibly the best I've ever seen based on what I've read so far, so I think you're in good hands there! My girlfriend (also a sometime blogger) recommends www.mikethemasterdater.com for a male (and very different) point of view, although it is somewhat raw compared with Captain Awkward's more gentle approach.
I've never done the online dating thing, so I don't have much advice there. I just don't trust them; the sites tout their stats on how many relationships they generate, but they never tell the high number of failed relationships or divorces of those "successes."
ReplyDeleteYour father sounds like he needs to mature a bit and he's probably feeling guilty. I think you are wise not giving in to his bids for attention or to soothe his guilt.
As for your internship, age is just numbers. I have friends from 2 to 93 and I really don't think of them by age but by their personalities. I hope this internship will have some positives for you! It sounds like you have a lot of talent.
As for your hair, I don't know what you look like, but I think short pixie cuts are way cute!
I just added an email address if people want to contact me that way, and I like comments. Sure, offer advice.
ReplyDeleteMy dad doesn't feel guilty- he thinks he's a good person. He doesn't remotely even begin to get it.
My hair isn't as short as I wanted it. Hairdressers don't like to do a really short cut on people with long hair because it's too much of a change. Next time I'll go pixie.
It isn't so much that I'm the oldest at the internship but that I'm somehow perceived as having less experience, which I don't feel is true.
Thanks for commenting!
Hey Eleanor,
ReplyDeleteI've been on Match for the past few months and it's been no luck or hardly any for me as well. I'm probably going not to renew my membership once it runs out next month. My conclusion is that it is rough out there. Anyways, I think it's normal not to respond to someone you are not interested in. At least, that has been what I've been doing. Also, the men I do send messages never write back and I understand. That is just the way it goes.
I think you should go for the pixie cut.
Maybe everybody's busy doing summer things and not hanging out online? People are probably lonelier in the winter.
ReplyDeleteI took a look at the 'competition' and was surprised. Why do all these beautiful women have to turn to online dating? I live in a city that has a reputation for being cold and cliquey and really hard to meet people in.
I'm thinking I'm going to use my artistic skills and take a new profile picture with a crazy colourful background just so that it's more memorable.
Online dating is just weird. So weird. But I'm going to leave the OKC profile up as plan b. I'm pretty happy with OKC, by the way. You just have to ignore the ads about cutting belly fat.