Crash

Here I am blogging again.  It's unbearably hot and I decided not to go to drawing class, but to stay in my basement studio all day instead.  I wrote myself this big pep talk and got all fired up and tried to draw but soon drifted back to the internet.  I was reading an article about how to be more fun.  I read this, and had a wee breakdown.

Being too uptight can generally contribute to people being less fun. Recognize any of these?

• "These people are so shallow. Why don't more people want to have deep, intellectual conversations?"
• "Drunk people are so annoying"
• "Ugh, everyone's being so loud and obnoxious?"
• "Why are those people dancing like that? It's so embarrassing"
• "I can't believe my friends are doing that, what a bunch of idiots"
• "I'm too mature to do that"
• "Eww, this place is so hot, and loud, and smelly"
• "Do these people really think this is amusing?"

And on and on. As I wrote earlier, having fun often involves letting loose and acting less proper and controlled than you normally do. Lighten up a little. You can't bring rigid, serious, humorless sensibilities to fun situations.

It made me feel like a big poo-head.  I have all these high-minded ideas and think I'm a good person and people should just like me, but they just want to let loose and I frown at them.

Walrus told me he went to the party without me because I wouldn't have liked the crowd- they swore too much.  He 'just wanted to be himself for a while' which meant he needed to get away from me...

Okay, I'm not saying he was right to sneak off to a party, but he's right- I wouldn't have liked it.  I feel like I'm no fun.  I just wrote about this recently, so I knew it was a problem, but I didn't know I was so hurt about it.  It's been a problem for years. 

 I am mystified why people like drinking. Why is it fun to get together and be dumb and loud?  I do think it's fun to dance, but the funnest things to me are having good conversations and being creative together.  The article tells readers to loosen up, and let small social annoyances go, not to expect people to behave well.  I can see me getting upset by all of those things.  Sometimes I try to drink a little, or try to relax, but I don't truly enjoy it and never seek out those types of social experiences.

The article made me really angry.  Why do I have to do something I don't like?  Why do I have to dumb it down?  Is this the only way to be socially successful?  

And I hated thinking that Walrus saw me as someone who wasn't fun, and needed to get away from me to have fun.  He just wanted to feel normal, so he went to a party.  I would have told him not to drink, so I wasn't invited.  He had a stroke- what role was left for me but to be the responsible one?

Back to Captain Awkward, and this wonderful post in which the Captain tells the letter writer it's okay to leave her husband Dave: 

Any problem that is not being actively addressed and that makes you go “Oh shit, do I really want to be involved with someone that has that much crap going on?” is fair game. Wait, did I say it had to be severe and horrible? No. Dealbreakers take many forms. “Does stuff that annoys me.” “Not good in bed.” “Has stupid political opinions.” “Mama’s boy.” “I don’t like his smell.” “Inattentive.” It’s okay to be picky. You don’t have to be fair about where you bestow your heart and your time and attention.

We are all flawed creatures. We all have problems. No one is perfect. I too was taught that I was supposed to forgive everyone in advance, just like Jesus. But some people are kind of really undateable until they start dealing with their own shit in an adult way that has hope of getting resolved, and I don’t have to be their personal Jesus. Nor do you. I have depression. Guess what? I have broken up with or not gotten further involved with people because they have untreated depression. I know that scares the shit out of a lot of people reading this, like, is she telling my partner to break up with me or that I am unlovable because I have problems? Well, if you aren’t dealing with your problems, and your problems are actively making life unhappy for you and your partner, and they feel like they can’t or don’t want to deal, then, yeah, maybe. People get to leave you if being with you is making them unhappy and they don’t have to exhaust every possibility before coming to that decision. And you could also make the choice to leave them for any reason at any time. Love is and should be a choice.

I don’t know what makes us double down with people like Dave. I don’t know what makes Sadness and Eternal Childhood and Addiction Issues or Chronic Fucked-upness into this magnetic pull for us. We don’t want to be the asshole who leaves someone for stuff that technically isn’t their fault? We want to feel needed? We want someone who will never leave us? We see the potential that is there and make a bet on it instead of dealing with what is? We feel like no one will ever love our fucked-up selves so we have to take it where we can find it? We like fixing stuff and feeling like the more together one in the relationship? We swallow the “All Relationships Take Work” narrative and decide somewhere that the more work something is the more worthwhile it is and roll up our sleeves? What fallacy is it that holds being totally-and-completely-non-judgmental as a thing to aspire to?

You can reject someone as a romantic partner for any reason at any time, so I want to say: It’s okay to decide that someone has Too Many Problems and that you don’t want to take those on as your own. Use your judgment. Go ahead and judge. It’s not a moral failure on your part, ok? “You are Too Sad to be my boyfriend, sorry.“

The highlights are my own.  I've already talked about rescuing people, but this says it pretty plainly.  Was I unhappy?  Yes.  Did I use my words to explain what the problem was?  Yes.  Did he try to change anything?  No- he couldn't or wouldn't.  He hated my role as much as I did.  So, that isn't a healthy relationship, and I should be glad it didn't go on for years.  (Still pissed we didn't have sex though.)  

I have to work on my own problems so that I'm not Too Sad To be someone's girlfriends.  I made my list of goals and got overwhelmed- part of the reason for today's crash.  Just have to take small steps... Really miss having someone to talk to- my friend in the north is distracted by her new fella.  Hard to have deep phone conversations when he sneaks up and tickles her while she's on the phone.  (So rude!)  

Sigh.  Gotta tough this out...