To sum up

Things I've learned from My First Relationship:

1. Somebody thought I was beautiful, and still thought it after we broke up.

2.  I am a planner.  I think of myself as a loosey-goosey artist, because I am messy and like flexibility, but I also like to show up on time, make lists and charts, and pack the perfect overnight bag.  My response to Walrus' muddledness was to go into planning overdrive.

3.  Use your words.  It was always better to say something when there was something wrong.  I did stupid things to shield Walrus from my emotions- and maybe a tiny percent of the time that was the right thing to do- but in general, if we talked about it, things got better.  A whole lot better. We usually used texting for our big conversations, which wasn't my first choice, but worked better for Walrus.

4.  Love.  I obviously haven't learned everything about love after one relationship.  I didn't get the butterflies in my stomach, head over heels, I-want-to-shout-it-to-the-world feeling I'm told can happen.  Sparks?  Chemistry?  That side of love hopefully will happen for me another time around.  I just showed up every day when the going got tough- I think it was a kind of love.  Still wondering what 'unconditional' love is...

5. Sex.  Well, I tried it for one thing and even though it didn't go well, we did ...other stuff and I got (almost) comfortable talking about what I wanted.  I bought a toy!  Lots of progress in this department, although more to go. It's better if you talk and laugh about it.

6. I can be very critical.  I expect people close to me to share my values and I get really annoyed when they don't.  Being angry at them isn't going to motivate them to change.  Having different values can also be a strength (but they have to recycle!!!)  I want to work on being more positive or at least, tactful.

7. Do not try to change people.  You can't do it.  You can maybe change a few habits if the person is willing to compromise (and you're willing to change a few bad habits of your own), but you have to love that person as they are.  Don't change for the other person either.

8.  Do not try to rescue people.  You can't do that either.  It's heartbreaking, but people with emotional baggage need to put in the work to make changes themselves.  They don't have anything to give to a relationship, and that's not balanced.

9.  If you choose to support someone through depression, don't overhelp.  Love them, have fun together, help when they ask for it.  Keep living your own life and keep yourself happy.

10.  I learned a lot about strokes and brain injuries, which may or not be useful for the future.  Obviously not going to be seeking out men with brain injuries next time around....I did get a reminder of how fragile life is, and how important it is to take care of your body.  I got a good look at the health care system in my province, and what life is like for the disabled in our society.

11.  Other people's families are crazy. Oh wait, so is mine.

12.  Break-ups suck, big time.  You cannot just turn off the love as if it were a faucet.  It keeps flowing.  You might have a little bit of love for that person forever.  It's because you're a good person and love is the best part of you.

13.  I have a big sore spot about the word 'fun'.  I don't drink and I don't like parties and I'm an introvert.  Walrus and I didn't always agree on what was fun, and I got a bit weird about it, because I felt like I wasn't a fun person.

14.  Don't neglect yourself.  You both need time apart to do your own thing.  I'm trying to work on all the areas of my life that I didn't make time for during the relationship.

15.  I need to move out.

16.  I had a lot of fear about relationships, mostly about sex, but some harder to define ones about the alien species known as men, and about me being somehow unlovable or weird.  I think some progress has been made here too... I think I did OK for a first time out.