Ponderings

I have a terrible cold and cough. No wonder I've been so tired all week.
Therefore, I am surfing the internet and thinking about things today.

(Over 8600 views on the blog.  Who reads this thing? Anyways, here are my random mutterings)

Internship: Foresee a major personality conflict with one of the other interns, K.  She was kinda rude to me yesterday in that infuriating extra polite way that's hard to find fault with but you know is condescending.

Friend in the north: Friend called yesterday and we talked for an hour and a half.  She said everything I was going through was normal and I'd be fine.  She said, "but just to warn you, when you're in a better place, you'll hate him for a while.  Or at least the time you wasted with him."  I couldn't really picture that- it was only 10 months, I got my first romantic experience, and he's recovering from a stroke.  But I am a little mad at Walrus, so maybe I will pass through that phase.

OKCupid: Last week got a message I was kinda excited about, based on a month of no messages from anybody I would even consider meeting.  I wrote back, and he (E) wrote back today.  Disappointed.  Did not get a good feeling from it.  Long, weirdly formal, and the writing had the flavour of someone who's learning English.   E is into sci-fi, which isn't a dealbreaker but doesn't score any points with me.  The whole thing just had the feeling of a long nervous ramble from someone who's trying to hold back enthusiasm.  That hits my panic button!  Don't want an awkward geek with no social skills!  The weird style of writing made me wonder if he wasn't quite functioning- and after Walrus, I don't want to go near anything like that.

English might be his second language- I can easily check that on his profile or even- ask him why he's so formal!  That would excuse him, a little, although I'd still be a bit disappointed.  I have a thing for writers and I love wordplay, even though I usually can't keep up with anyone who really writes a lot.

I am not obligated to go out with him after one message.  I can stop talking to him at any time.  It's awkward, but it has to happen.  Right now I am ignoring it for a while.

Dating in General:  I read this article this morning on the art of saying no.  Highly recommend it. Captain Awkward has become my go-to site for learning how to navigate the world.

Captain Awkward says relationships should feel awesome and you have the right to say no to anybody you don't feel awesome about, and it can be totally subjective, even shallow.  You don't like their voice, their smell, their taste in movies....You choose where to give your love and who to spend your time with.

I am having a big freak out about the idea of dating.  I realized that people in my life who are in relationships just sorta fell into them.  They had to start dating each other of course, but they didn't play the numbers game, didn't date lots of different people, didn't have strings of relationships....It was fairly easy.  It just happened.

(Temper tantrum that it has to be so hard for me!)

And I'm trying to tell myself that rejection is part of life, that I have to go out there and meet people until I meet someone who 'gets' me (I don't believe in The One.  I think there are many (at least a few?) men out there I could love.)
But to date, I have to be able to say no and there's JUST SO MUCH AWKWARDNESS.  Did I keep going out with Walrus to avoid it?  Ack.

Which leads me to...

Creeps, Angry people, Sad Sacks:
Reading Captain Awkward, and you know, just being alive, it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people out there with problems.  Some are their fault, some aren't.  For whatever reason, they're in a bad place, maybe for a short while, maybe forever.  I've already figured out DON'T TRY TO SAVE THEM, although part of me still thinks they can use a hand.  This is the question I constantly wrestle with- if I wrote novels, this would be the big dramatic question.  Are we obligated to help?  Does avoiding sad people protect our happiness?  At what point does helping someone stop helping them (and start hurting you)?

Internet dating can be great to meet people in totally different social circles, in a new city, with similar weird interests to you...but it can also be scary.   Dangerous, if you get a weirdo.  Awkward and very not-fun if you get someone clingy, angry, rude, depressed....

I was depressed, not for very long, and a friend walked away from me at that time.  I think I might have some low level depression/self esteem issues, but I think I sort of function.  I want a boyfriend, and I'm sad, but I hope not desperate and weird because of it.  But when I was depressed, I was clingy, I was negative, I was EVEN MORE CRITICAL THAN USUAL.  When people are hurting, they do weird, weird things.  It makes them not like themselves even more, which makes them weirder, people shun then....downward spiral into social reject/self-sabotage/bad bad place.

Captain Awkward has had a few posts on creepiness and rape culture lately and in the comment section, people are self-identifying as someone who got creepy for a while during a bad time.
I think everybody, male and female, should read the stuff about rape, but that's another topic.
My main point is that many of us lack the skills to help ourselves and to help others in sad times.  Sometimes I just cry for all the broken people out there (My poor sad Walrus).  Maybe I should change careers (again!) and become a therapist.....Not really.  It would be a heartbreaking job.  I recommend the film Another Year by Mike Leigh for a look at a happily married couple, one of whom happens to be a therapist, and the people in their lives they just can't help.  So beautifully sad.

Life:  I don't know where I'm going with all this rambling.  Life is beautiful; life is scary.  I'm learning.  What else can you do?