Wednesday 26 October 2011

Different Strokes...

I'm learning how to be the girlfriend of a stroke patient. No wait, I'm learning how to be a girlfriend, period.
Shouldn't we have endless amounts of things to say to each other?  Okay, the man has mild aphasia and a paralyzed vocal cord, but still.  We want to be together all the time, but we don't do a lot of talking.  Or at least he doesn't.  And emotional stuff- I've prodded him a little bit, but he isn't good at talking about 'feelings.'

He'll send me gushy texts late at night, he uses the 'L-word' quite frequently now in messages and in person, he's very affectionate, but anything painful- I get a brick wall.  He's said I can ask him anything, but he thinks a few sentences should cover it.  I finally finally asked about the ex-fiancee and he told me the briefest of outlines and then decided he needed to throw away his coffee cup at that very moment and shambled off.

We've talked about the stroke quite a bit, and probably will need to more, but he hasn't much talked about the emotions of having a stroke beyond expressing some frustration.

I'm frustrated.  I'm extremely frustrated.  I don't know how to explain this- It's hard to be apart from him but it isn't fun to be with him.  I'm doing all the planning.  I'm extremely busy and stealing time away from other commitments for an hour or two with him, and I'm constantly figuring out how to transport him (he can't drive, and gets tired on the bus.  I borrow my mother's car when I can), how to feed him, how to keep him from getting overtired.  I try not to fuss about him, but I feel the need to check that he's got his glasses, wallet, bus pass, phone, warm jacket, etc....

Several times I've set up elaborate plans to see him in small breaks in my schedule and the staff at his group home won't have told him they've set up an appointment for him until the last minute and all my plans are laid to waste.  Yesterday I dropped by 'The House' to see him and was told I need to phone the day ahead.  He's not treated like an adult.  They phone and check in if he's out past nine.  And the place is crazy and loud, and weirds me out.

Yet we keep pretending things are normal.  I think that's what he needs from me...but it's going to exhaust me.

To be alone we have to wait until my mother's at work.  My dog barks at us continuously and tries to hump Walrus' leg if he hugs me.  It's worse than it sounds.  A 50 pound dog barking loudly and jumping at you really kills romance.

We dyed our hair crazy colours.  Yay!  No more grey hair on my fellow!  Oh, it's so shallow of me, but skin problems and a cane and grey hair?  It really changed how I look at him.  Looks his own age, for one thing.

He looks broken. He does.  From a distance even.  He's started to meet my family and friends and I've done preliminary phone calls to explain about the stroke, the skin, the hair...
This is the first time I've brought someone home, and he looks a wreck.  You can imagine the emotions surrounding this moment.   I am hugely defensive about him.

Um yes, I could go on but it's late.


Friday 21 October 2011

Three little words...

I'm still seeing Walrus.  I'm his girlfriend.  It's still a foreign sounding word to me.
He told me he loved me and I just cried.  I haven't said it back yet.
There is a box of condoms in my room, but um they haven't been used yet.  I told him the situation.  He's being sweet about it.
That's the update.