Well, yes he was mad at me

So, the last post ended with him not cuddling me in bed, and me immediately knowing something was up, based on two sentences from him.
The next night, just before bed.  "What was up with you last night?"
"I'm frustrated with you. I don't want to talk about it."
My eyes fill with tears.  "That sounds big."
I don't really remember what happened, but the gist is I kept saying 'Tell me' and he said 'tell you what?" or "I don't want to do this now."
And I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably.  UNCONTROLLABLY.
And I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, because that's the only door that closes in our tiny space.
And I sat on the toilet and cried loudly,  He burst in and said "I can't handle this.  I can't even talk to you without you losing your shit."
I said 'go away.'
He left, I cried.  I calmed down and moved to the couch, which is ten feet away from the bed.  He was reading and he sat up and glared at me. I'm not sure if I said in the last post that I decided to sleep on the couch that night too, so two nights in a row.
In the morning we were civil to each other.  I kept asking him if we could talk but we had a big craft fair later that day and there was a lot to do.  He didn't want to, but I basically kept asking and cried again and he got frustrated and spit it out.
He's frustrated I don't have a job and that I'm messy.  Both of which I guessed.
That night he was mad at me for dumping my stuff on the floor and going to bed early.  I'd been outside in pouring rain for 8 hours and I was sick.  I really felt I got a 'pass' on cleaning up my stuff that night, and I did clean the house the next morning.
And I tried to tell him how stressed I am by my unemployment (every minute of every day) and I did say I thought he was being unreasonable with his expectations with that little incident.  I think he uses 'I'm tired' a lot as an excuse but he is not always able to be empathetic and realize when I've had an exhausting day.
And it ended with him saying he loved me a lot and we made up and had sex.

I hate it when he's mad at me, I absolutely fall apart when he won't tell me what the problem is but still lets me know there is a problem.  I do the exact same thing to him, but maybe for different reasons.

I worry that there is some trust problems.  I am scared of his response to my emotions.
And I have a bad memory of  ending a friendship with my best friend because I was crying almost daily and she backed away....left me crying uncontrollably in a park actually....
So I feel like I will abandoned if I cry?

This week has been so busy for me I've hardly seen Nerdboy.  Things seem to be back to normal, maybe we're both a little grumpier than usual but we've lived through times like that before.

aftermath

The night after I wrote the last post, I was really withdrawn from Nerdboy.   I went to choir and came home late.  Several times he asked me if I was down and I said yes, but he didn't do anything with that information.  He was hopping around getting his craft stuff together and just generally being high energy.  I was planning to talk to him the moment he sat down next to me but he never did.
When we were in bed reading, I said 'Can I talk to you?"
Now, I know he hates serious discussions in bed, and he does have to get up at 6am, but it needed to be said.
"Yesterday, did you emotionally detach from what was going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, well...you told me sometimes you can't handle the emotions and you ignore the situation..."
"What are you talking about?"


pause.



"Why did you let me cry yesterday?"

"I didn't!  I tried to make you laugh."

"Noooooo, that was after....." I trail off.

I can't remember what exactly was said at this point.  It was a short conversation and basically he said, 'I see you cry all the time.  I can't do anything about it and it seemed like you needed to cry it out before you could spit out what you were trying to say."

I tried to tell him it felt awful.
I did flat out say, "Don't watch me cry ever again."
I didn't say, 'That is cold.  That is abnormal."

We both glared at each other in a weird standoff.  You have to imagine two people in bed, having a stare down.  I was lying down, head on pillow and he was sitting up reading.  I was of course crying a little and trying to keep it together.
I said, "Well I guess that's the end of that topic" and I rolled over to face the wall.
He turned off the night light.
In the dark he said, "Don't try and finish the Halloween costumes tomorrow.  You have other things to worry about."
And I interpreted that as him trying to be thoughtful or make amends but being unable to deal with whatever makes him unable to deal with the Big Stuff.  So I reached over and touched his arm under the blankets and we went to sleep.

~~~next morning~~~
Halloween.  He gets ready for work early in the morning.  I watch from bed, unsure of how things stand.  He gives me the goodbye kiss.  I said, "I love you but I'm sore at you."
He said nothing, just rubs my arm.

I have to work at a Halloween event that night, and unexpectedly he showed up at the end, in costume, and drove me home.  We had a fun and mellow Halloween, what was left of it.  He said he was bored without me.
We never discuss the fight.

~~~Saturday morning~~~
We had sex, and it was fun.  We tried a bunch of new things, some worked, some didn't.
So a little bit of the conversation got through....

~~~a week later~~~
haven't talked about it.  haven't had sex.  haven't hardly cuddled even.  We both have been working on things in the evening and go to bed tired.

Last night I came home from crewing an outdoor event that got rained out.  5 hours of set-up, 2 hours to take down, all in wind, mud and rain.  He was napping when I came home, but started on his crafts again.  He put on some Star Trek at 10pm, I said, 'can we save this episode for later?  I'm going to bed."  He grumbled, 'fine',  He came to bed maybe half an hour later, read a bit.  He gave a heavy sigh while reading.  I was rolled over on my side, facing away from him.  "Why are you sighing?"
"I just want to read my book, okay?"

Then he turned out the light, and I waited for him to assume the spooning position, but he turned his back to me.
"Are you mad at me?'
"Just go to sleep"

And he's instantly asleep, and I cry silently.  I have no idea what prompted this behavior.  He was in a good mood until I asked him to turn off the show.  And I really wanted to be held after my long day.
I moved to the couch because I didn't want to share a bed with him.
His alarm didn't go off this morning and he slept in, left in a hurry, kissed me goodbye but didn't ask why I was on the couch.

I'm exhausted by never knowing if he'll be hot or cold to me.  Pushed away one day, act like it never happened the next.

I guess either I end it or we work on it.  My friend (partner of a psychiatrist) said therapy for both of us.

I am so stressed right now.  I don't want to end up back at mom's, back at rock bottom.