Dear Eleanor,
You're doing the right things. You're reflecting and analyzing and soul searching so that you can learn from this and heal. You're hurt, and it's going to take time to feel better. It will take as long as it takes. Lots of people are telling you their opinions, but only you saw what the relationship was like for you. Listen to them, because you may not be seeing everything clearly, but listen to yourself too. You have a record of everything that happened, so reread that if you have to. You always doubted this relationship, and there were good moments and bad. Maybe you should be glad he ended it, because you wouldn't have been able to.
So do what you need to do, but don't dwell. You've cried for a month. There probably aren't going to be a lot of new insights at this point, and there's an even smaller chance that you find the magic words to fix everything. It's time to try to move on. It might be one step forward, two steps back, but start to let go.
Don't beat yourself up, hun. You were brave to try this relationship and you don't regret it. Neither does he. You did your best. You helped him. You learned something. Take that knowledge and use it for a better relationship next time around. Because there will be a next time. Don't let yourself doubt that.
If you still want to be friends with him, that's up to you. Just be careful that both of you benefit from that.
Meanwhile, you should not contact him for a while. Or his mom!
You have work to do on your own life. You gained ten pounds dating him! Time to take care of your health, your art, and your career. I know you're lonely and it sucks so try and get out there. Call people. Leave the online dating alone for just a little bit longer. In fact, you need to get away from the computer. Take a break from blogging. You're boring your readers!
Be strong. Hang in there. Hugs.
love,
Eleanor
Monday 30 July 2012
Not Sent Letters
Dear Walrus,
I hope we can be friends, when we both have had time to heal. The next few years are not going to be easy for you. You have to learn to live alone, and I hope you continue with the changes you've made to your diet and lifestyle. Going back to work and school is going to be hard, as well as looking around to see which friends have stuck with you. I feel for you. I am terrified you will turn to alcohol to numb the pain, but I cannot help you if you take the easy way out. In the long run it is going to be less painful to put in the hard work now, when recovery is still possible, instead of avoiding facing the reality of your new brain.
I see a lot of good in you. You could be a sweetheart, you made me feel beautiful, but hun, you were kind of a lousy boyfriend. You came on too strong before you even met me, you sat there like a lump on our first three dates, after arriving late, and I think I paid most of the time...You announced you were in a relationship on facebook after two kisses, and come to think of it, you announced you were single before I knew we were broken up. Your relationship with food grosses me out- eating peanut butter out of the jar, at the rate of a jar a week! You don't have good control when it comes to alcohol either and that frightens me. You think being rude to people shows integrity, you never tried to find out who I was, you still owe me money. You won't stand up to your parents. I needed help with sex and you said all the right things, but you sure didn't DO the right things. You slept all the time and I missed out on things I wanted to do because of it. You didn't brush your teeth regularly and no, you can't skip showers if you sleep in.
You're angry and depressed and all you see is your own pain. That's not quite true- sometimes you could feel deeply for others, but, Walrus, you just didn't get it when George told us about his brain tumour. I got snapped at more than once- I can't be positive all the time, I'm only human. You blame others for your mistakes, and that made me think less of you. I don't think that anger is you, but you needed to talk to me about what you were going through. I don't know why you have such trouble opening up. The only time I got to see you was in your writing and texts. All our deepest conversations- typed into our phones, each in our own house. I wish you would realize that showing your vulnerability only gave you more dignity in my eyes.
You didn't have much to give me but your love and affection. I still believe you loved me as unconditionally as you said you did, but you had such high expectations for me and our future together, much too soon. And when you stopped being affectionate, I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship, not anything equal to all the work I put into it. Going to a party without me was shitty. Online dating before we broke up, as I suspect was the case, also bad form.
I am sorry I was negative when you needed positive support. Again, I wish you'd told me I was making you feel bad about yourself. And when I tried to tell you there was a problem, you didn't try to dig deeper or make changes or tell me your concerns. You give up on things when they get hard, and you gave up on us just as quickly.
I didn't like myself when I was with you- I wasn't fun. I became neurotic and overplanned everything because I was worried about your energy and my money. I felt responsible for you, for your health and happiness, and that wasn't helping my own.
I tried so hard, babe. So hard. You have to do this alone. I hope you find the girl who loves you for you, but first you have to deal with your shit. I'll be there if you need me as a friend, but I'm moving on.
love,
Eleanor
I hope we can be friends, when we both have had time to heal. The next few years are not going to be easy for you. You have to learn to live alone, and I hope you continue with the changes you've made to your diet and lifestyle. Going back to work and school is going to be hard, as well as looking around to see which friends have stuck with you. I feel for you. I am terrified you will turn to alcohol to numb the pain, but I cannot help you if you take the easy way out. In the long run it is going to be less painful to put in the hard work now, when recovery is still possible, instead of avoiding facing the reality of your new brain.
I see a lot of good in you. You could be a sweetheart, you made me feel beautiful, but hun, you were kind of a lousy boyfriend. You came on too strong before you even met me, you sat there like a lump on our first three dates, after arriving late, and I think I paid most of the time...You announced you were in a relationship on facebook after two kisses, and come to think of it, you announced you were single before I knew we were broken up. Your relationship with food grosses me out- eating peanut butter out of the jar, at the rate of a jar a week! You don't have good control when it comes to alcohol either and that frightens me. You think being rude to people shows integrity, you never tried to find out who I was, you still owe me money. You won't stand up to your parents. I needed help with sex and you said all the right things, but you sure didn't DO the right things. You slept all the time and I missed out on things I wanted to do because of it. You didn't brush your teeth regularly and no, you can't skip showers if you sleep in.
You're angry and depressed and all you see is your own pain. That's not quite true- sometimes you could feel deeply for others, but, Walrus, you just didn't get it when George told us about his brain tumour. I got snapped at more than once- I can't be positive all the time, I'm only human. You blame others for your mistakes, and that made me think less of you. I don't think that anger is you, but you needed to talk to me about what you were going through. I don't know why you have such trouble opening up. The only time I got to see you was in your writing and texts. All our deepest conversations- typed into our phones, each in our own house. I wish you would realize that showing your vulnerability only gave you more dignity in my eyes.
You didn't have much to give me but your love and affection. I still believe you loved me as unconditionally as you said you did, but you had such high expectations for me and our future together, much too soon. And when you stopped being affectionate, I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship, not anything equal to all the work I put into it. Going to a party without me was shitty. Online dating before we broke up, as I suspect was the case, also bad form.
I am sorry I was negative when you needed positive support. Again, I wish you'd told me I was making you feel bad about yourself. And when I tried to tell you there was a problem, you didn't try to dig deeper or make changes or tell me your concerns. You give up on things when they get hard, and you gave up on us just as quickly.
I didn't like myself when I was with you- I wasn't fun. I became neurotic and overplanned everything because I was worried about your energy and my money. I felt responsible for you, for your health and happiness, and that wasn't helping my own.
I tried so hard, babe. So hard. You have to do this alone. I hope you find the girl who loves you for you, but first you have to deal with your shit. I'll be there if you need me as a friend, but I'm moving on.
love,
Eleanor
Sunday 29 July 2012
ohhhhhhhh. Let's not try that again.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201207/loving-broken-men-rescuing-mr-potential-part-1
By Seth Meyers
If we filled a fountain with a quarter for every woman who’s loved and tried to save a broken man, we could probably fill Niagara Falls. This destructive relationship pattern—what I call rescuing wounded souls—is one of the most common relationship problems that face women today.
The rescuer is a woman who attaches herself to partners who are emotionally unstable in some way. Though rescuers can be both men and women, the book I wrote on the subject, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome, was primarily for women. So, you might ask, what does the rescuer do and feel in her relationships?
The rescuer focuses on and worries about her partner more than he does about himself. Repeatedly, she finds herself with partners who, at first, seem sweet and have tremendous potential, but before long reveal themselves to be emotionally volatile or unstable, aggressive and controlling, unhappy, or unable to cope with some aspect of their lives. Many of the men rescuers try to save struggle with depression, severe anxiety, or addictions of some sort.
You might ask yourself why a woman would stay with such a man. For the rescuer, she values love and relationships above all else. When she commits, she is fiercely loyal and she will die trying to help him realize his true potential. Rescuers also often come from families in which they felt the need to take care of a sibling or parent, or in which there was a high level of turmoil and drama. Though she desperately tries to help her partner, what she’s really trying to do is change him. In comparison to other men who are her equals and who are emotionally available, those men often seem boring. What’s more, the love with a man who is emotionally whole wouldn’t seem like real love. For these women, love is about work and, sadly, suffering in the end.
The ultimate question: Is she programmed to repeat save broken men, or can she break the habit and rid herself of this self-destructive relationship approach? The answer is a full-throated, “Yes, she can change—but only with disciplined work and self-exploration.
My book, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome, takes women step by step through breaking the cycle. The starting point is to realize that your identity is the root of the problem, that you see yourself as someone who has dysfunctional relationships and doesn’t know how to be attracted to and sustain a relationship with her equal.
What I've found with many years of clinical experience is that a simple model can be used to help people change significant problems: Insight + Behavior Change = Identity Change. Accordingly, the way to change this dysfunctional relationship pattern is to first gain insight into how and why you feel the need to rescue wounded souls, and then engage in a series of new behaviors which will lead to a changed identity in your relationships.
By Seth Meyers
If we filled a fountain with a quarter for every woman who’s loved and tried to save a broken man, we could probably fill Niagara Falls. This destructive relationship pattern—what I call rescuing wounded souls—is one of the most common relationship problems that face women today.
The rescuer is a woman who attaches herself to partners who are emotionally unstable in some way. Though rescuers can be both men and women, the book I wrote on the subject, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome, was primarily for women. So, you might ask, what does the rescuer do and feel in her relationships?
The rescuer focuses on and worries about her partner more than he does about himself. Repeatedly, she finds herself with partners who, at first, seem sweet and have tremendous potential, but before long reveal themselves to be emotionally volatile or unstable, aggressive and controlling, unhappy, or unable to cope with some aspect of their lives. Many of the men rescuers try to save struggle with depression, severe anxiety, or addictions of some sort.
You might ask yourself why a woman would stay with such a man. For the rescuer, she values love and relationships above all else. When she commits, she is fiercely loyal and she will die trying to help him realize his true potential. Rescuers also often come from families in which they felt the need to take care of a sibling or parent, or in which there was a high level of turmoil and drama. Though she desperately tries to help her partner, what she’s really trying to do is change him. In comparison to other men who are her equals and who are emotionally available, those men often seem boring. What’s more, the love with a man who is emotionally whole wouldn’t seem like real love. For these women, love is about work and, sadly, suffering in the end.
The ultimate question: Is she programmed to repeat save broken men, or can she break the habit and rid herself of this self-destructive relationship approach? The answer is a full-throated, “Yes, she can change—but only with disciplined work and self-exploration.
My book, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome, takes women step by step through breaking the cycle. The starting point is to realize that your identity is the root of the problem, that you see yourself as someone who has dysfunctional relationships and doesn’t know how to be attracted to and sustain a relationship with her equal.
What I've found with many years of clinical experience is that a simple model can be used to help people change significant problems: Insight + Behavior Change = Identity Change. Accordingly, the way to change this dysfunctional relationship pattern is to first gain insight into how and why you feel the need to rescue wounded souls, and then engage in a series of new behaviors which will lead to a changed identity in your relationships.
Saturday 28 July 2012
Book Review: Get Over Yourself by Patti Novak
I was pretty good today- exercised, cleaned, went out to a free outdoor concert, sketched people.
I'm home now watching the Olympics on TV and still don't know what to do with my time. I wish I had a group of friends! I haven't had a 'gang' since college, and now everyone's scattered, and settling down. Sigh!
I just read (ok, skimmed) my first dating self-help book "Get Over Yourself" by Patti Novak. I chose it because it was one of two my library offered as an e-book. The other was called "Make Every Man Want You". Hahaha!
I read the first few chapters and then started flipping ahead. Novak is a matchmaker who had a TV reality show. She has a 'tough love' kind of approach where she tells her clients what it is about them that might be putting people off- bad table manners, revealing too much too quickly, even bad breath. Things your friends can't tell you even if they want to!
In book form it's hard to do, so she just has you do a series of self-assessments and then lists red flags to look out for. I tried to do them. Listing things I like and don't like about myself was a good exercise, I think.
My Faults, as identified by myself: Anxious, Awkward, Critical, Depressed (at times) Fearful, Hard on Myself, Insecure, Judgemental, Needy (not sure about this one. I have been in the past), Negative/Pessimistic, Overly Sensitive, Panicky, Quiet/Reserved, Shy, Sloppy
My Strengths: Artistic, Caring, Committed, Compassionate, Curious, Down-to-earth, Empathetic, Good Listener, Grateful, Honest/Sincere, Integrity, Intelligent, Introspective, Kind, Loyal, Organized, Responsible,
(and I would have added more, like 'affectionate', if I wasn't insecure about my role in the break-up.)
Then you were supposed to list your top three qualities needed for a relationship. I put honesty/trust, willingness to give and be affectionate, and a strong character. Sorta murky definitions.
Her premise is that if you're not having success in dating, you're not simply having bad luck- you're doing something wrong. You have to find out what it is, deal with it, heal, and really be ready for love. (Same old thing I hear time and time again- love yourself first)
Several times in the book she mentions losing weight as a solution to dating problems. Not sure how I feel about that. She says, hey I don't make the rules. Overweight people won't get as much interest. She also goes on a rant against atheists that I thought was uncalled for.
Novak urges readers to face their demons- old hurts and fears that are holding them back. The most common, she says, are Anger, Sadness and Childhood Trauma. The part about Sadness was the only part in the book I connected to at all- a broken heart takes time to heal, but the wound can get bigger in some circumstances. If you didn't see the break-up coming, or if you weren't ready to end things- the person just flaked out at the moment you were ready to move to another level of commitment for example, you can really blame yourself or not trust yourself. You didn't see anything wrong so you're mourning for a person you didn't really know, an idealized version of them. If other people aren't sympathetic because 'the guy was a jerk and they saw it coming all along' then you will doubt yourself and beat yourself up for not getting it over it quickly enough. (I might be feeling that....) If you can't look objectionably at the relationship, at both partners' roles, and learn from it, then you will create a bigger wound where you blame yourself for losing that love. (Hopefully I can navigate this healing process and minimize scars...)
She recommends therapy for her clients for deep-seated issues. The book doesn't really tell you how to face the demons once you've identified them. She goes into detail about fixing tangible issues like appearance or talking too much and how it will help intangible issues.
Low self-esteem and fear is at the root of everything, for everyone.
Later in the book she reveals her top three things for a successful relationship: respect, sense of humour, and sex. I don't think I was able to give Walrus any of those things at the end. :(
She goes into the nitty gritty of what to do and what not to do on a date. She's very down on internet dating.
I didn't really like the whole tone of the book.
Many of her clients are adult virgins or haven't dated in a long time. She is not very sympathetic. She lists not having a relationship history as a red flag for yourself (duh!) and 'living at home over 30' and 'virgin past the age of 35' as red flags in potential dates. Her advice is that the inexperienced should not blurt it out the first date. Don't say too much on the first date- the person is still a stranger. Don't tell them you have 20 cats, or a sexually transmitted disease or haven't kissed any one in 10 years. Her advice, straight from the book!
Mixed message- know yourself and love yourself and you'll find someone who loves you for you, but be as normal and attractive as possible. Sigh. I guess that's the reality of the world.
After reading it, I felt I had the skills to navigate the dating world, despite having not much experience. At least compared to some of her horror stories. It's mostly common sense. I suppose I needed to be reminded it's a good technique to hold back negative and personal history for the first bit. The few dates I've been on have made me nervous, and I'm not much of a flirter. Practice and the right person should solve that problem. The biggest problem is that I'm not getting out there, not meeting people, and I don't connect with people easily, so I don't get asked out. I don't know what the solution is. If I'm in the right environment I can be very confident, so hopefully if I pursue activities I love, I will be in my element and at my best and ready to meet someone.
Have you read a good dating advice book? Comments always appreciated.
I'm home now watching the Olympics on TV and still don't know what to do with my time. I wish I had a group of friends! I haven't had a 'gang' since college, and now everyone's scattered, and settling down. Sigh!
I just read (ok, skimmed) my first dating self-help book "Get Over Yourself" by Patti Novak. I chose it because it was one of two my library offered as an e-book. The other was called "Make Every Man Want You". Hahaha!
I read the first few chapters and then started flipping ahead. Novak is a matchmaker who had a TV reality show. She has a 'tough love' kind of approach where she tells her clients what it is about them that might be putting people off- bad table manners, revealing too much too quickly, even bad breath. Things your friends can't tell you even if they want to!
In book form it's hard to do, so she just has you do a series of self-assessments and then lists red flags to look out for. I tried to do them. Listing things I like and don't like about myself was a good exercise, I think.
My Faults, as identified by myself: Anxious, Awkward, Critical, Depressed (at times) Fearful, Hard on Myself, Insecure, Judgemental, Needy (not sure about this one. I have been in the past), Negative/Pessimistic, Overly Sensitive, Panicky, Quiet/Reserved, Shy, Sloppy
My Strengths: Artistic, Caring, Committed, Compassionate, Curious, Down-to-earth, Empathetic, Good Listener, Grateful, Honest/Sincere, Integrity, Intelligent, Introspective, Kind, Loyal, Organized, Responsible,
(and I would have added more, like 'affectionate', if I wasn't insecure about my role in the break-up.)
Then you were supposed to list your top three qualities needed for a relationship. I put honesty/trust, willingness to give and be affectionate, and a strong character. Sorta murky definitions.
Her premise is that if you're not having success in dating, you're not simply having bad luck- you're doing something wrong. You have to find out what it is, deal with it, heal, and really be ready for love. (Same old thing I hear time and time again- love yourself first)
Several times in the book she mentions losing weight as a solution to dating problems. Not sure how I feel about that. She says, hey I don't make the rules. Overweight people won't get as much interest. She also goes on a rant against atheists that I thought was uncalled for.
Novak urges readers to face their demons- old hurts and fears that are holding them back. The most common, she says, are Anger, Sadness and Childhood Trauma. The part about Sadness was the only part in the book I connected to at all- a broken heart takes time to heal, but the wound can get bigger in some circumstances. If you didn't see the break-up coming, or if you weren't ready to end things- the person just flaked out at the moment you were ready to move to another level of commitment for example, you can really blame yourself or not trust yourself. You didn't see anything wrong so you're mourning for a person you didn't really know, an idealized version of them. If other people aren't sympathetic because 'the guy was a jerk and they saw it coming all along' then you will doubt yourself and beat yourself up for not getting it over it quickly enough. (I might be feeling that....) If you can't look objectionably at the relationship, at both partners' roles, and learn from it, then you will create a bigger wound where you blame yourself for losing that love. (Hopefully I can navigate this healing process and minimize scars...)
She recommends therapy for her clients for deep-seated issues. The book doesn't really tell you how to face the demons once you've identified them. She goes into detail about fixing tangible issues like appearance or talking too much and how it will help intangible issues.
Low self-esteem and fear is at the root of everything, for everyone.
Later in the book she reveals her top three things for a successful relationship: respect, sense of humour, and sex. I don't think I was able to give Walrus any of those things at the end. :(
She goes into the nitty gritty of what to do and what not to do on a date. She's very down on internet dating.
I didn't really like the whole tone of the book.
Many of her clients are adult virgins or haven't dated in a long time. She is not very sympathetic. She lists not having a relationship history as a red flag for yourself (duh!) and 'living at home over 30' and 'virgin past the age of 35' as red flags in potential dates. Her advice is that the inexperienced should not blurt it out the first date. Don't say too much on the first date- the person is still a stranger. Don't tell them you have 20 cats, or a sexually transmitted disease or haven't kissed any one in 10 years. Her advice, straight from the book!
Mixed message- know yourself and love yourself and you'll find someone who loves you for you, but be as normal and attractive as possible. Sigh. I guess that's the reality of the world.
After reading it, I felt I had the skills to navigate the dating world, despite having not much experience. At least compared to some of her horror stories. It's mostly common sense. I suppose I needed to be reminded it's a good technique to hold back negative and personal history for the first bit. The few dates I've been on have made me nervous, and I'm not much of a flirter. Practice and the right person should solve that problem. The biggest problem is that I'm not getting out there, not meeting people, and I don't connect with people easily, so I don't get asked out. I don't know what the solution is. If I'm in the right environment I can be very confident, so hopefully if I pursue activities I love, I will be in my element and at my best and ready to meet someone.
Have you read a good dating advice book? Comments always appreciated.
Friday 27 July 2012
Learning Part Two
I should probably be doing other stuff with my time other than blogging. Is this helping me move forward or not?
I do want to capture my thoughts from talking to Amy yesterday. Amy is a very driven girl. She has a business and a non-profit to run as well as an acting career. She said she has masculine 'yang' energy and goes after what she wants. (Otherwise she's very feminine, caring. Her mission in life is to 'spread joy')
I asked her if she had a bucket list (things to do before you die). She said she called it a 'life list' instead, and some items on the list have no definite state of completion so they're hard to cross off the list (learn to recognize more pieces of classical music, for example) She's being keeping this list since the age of 15 and rewrites it every year. Some things get rolled over year to year and aren't really goals that mean as much to her anymore.
She asked if I had one. I said no. I had thought about doing one, and looked at bucketlist.org to see what other people put on theirs. I got discouraged because it seemed the majority of goals weren't achievements, but things you could get with money. Go to this destination or that destination, own this thing, meet this person.... I suppose meeting a famous person takes some luck and determination, but how does it really make your life better?
I know what I want to achieve in my life but they're all on-going processes- do work that's meaningful, experiment with my art, have a long term relationship, have good relationships with friends and family, have a garden, live simply, be involved in the community, practice lifelong learning.
I told Amy some goals I'd had in the past- win an Oscar for best animated short and have a cartoon published in the New Yorker. The New Yorker would be pretty cool, but I'm not sure achieving it would make me happy. I'd have to enjoy the process of reaching the goal as well. At the moment, changing the world is more meaningful to me than any individual achievement. But maybe I'm just telling myself that so I don't feel bad if I fail. I'm not exactly changing the world right now either!
I'd also really like to see a blue whale (or fin or sperm whale) just because I feel that would be a beautiful moment. Finish reading A Remembrance of Things Past? I got through three books... I don't really want to travel (in the conventional way at least) because I believe planes are bad for the environment.
I have been thinking about it, and my goals are shrinking. All I want is a job, to move out, and to be in love. Heavy emphasis on the love one. Sometimes I feel everything else is meaningless. Could I be more successful with someone to support me? I should be able to do it alone and then I'll attract the right person....maybe?
Until I reach these basic milestones, I can't look much farther ahead... Maybe I should aim higher and I'll reach them on the journey.
I just went to the library and stood in the aisle of self-help books. (I didn't know I'd ever be seeking out self-help books) How to live, how to love, how to thrive, how to be happy. There were shelves of titles. It made me feel better. Lots of people out there are trying to figure out how to live, just as I am.
I do want to capture my thoughts from talking to Amy yesterday. Amy is a very driven girl. She has a business and a non-profit to run as well as an acting career. She said she has masculine 'yang' energy and goes after what she wants. (Otherwise she's very feminine, caring. Her mission in life is to 'spread joy')
I asked her if she had a bucket list (things to do before you die). She said she called it a 'life list' instead, and some items on the list have no definite state of completion so they're hard to cross off the list (learn to recognize more pieces of classical music, for example) She's being keeping this list since the age of 15 and rewrites it every year. Some things get rolled over year to year and aren't really goals that mean as much to her anymore.
She asked if I had one. I said no. I had thought about doing one, and looked at bucketlist.org to see what other people put on theirs. I got discouraged because it seemed the majority of goals weren't achievements, but things you could get with money. Go to this destination or that destination, own this thing, meet this person.... I suppose meeting a famous person takes some luck and determination, but how does it really make your life better?
I know what I want to achieve in my life but they're all on-going processes- do work that's meaningful, experiment with my art, have a long term relationship, have good relationships with friends and family, have a garden, live simply, be involved in the community, practice lifelong learning.
I told Amy some goals I'd had in the past- win an Oscar for best animated short and have a cartoon published in the New Yorker. The New Yorker would be pretty cool, but I'm not sure achieving it would make me happy. I'd have to enjoy the process of reaching the goal as well. At the moment, changing the world is more meaningful to me than any individual achievement. But maybe I'm just telling myself that so I don't feel bad if I fail. I'm not exactly changing the world right now either!
I'd also really like to see a blue whale (or fin or sperm whale) just because I feel that would be a beautiful moment. Finish reading A Remembrance of Things Past? I got through three books... I don't really want to travel (in the conventional way at least) because I believe planes are bad for the environment.
I have been thinking about it, and my goals are shrinking. All I want is a job, to move out, and to be in love. Heavy emphasis on the love one. Sometimes I feel everything else is meaningless. Could I be more successful with someone to support me? I should be able to do it alone and then I'll attract the right person....maybe?
Until I reach these basic milestones, I can't look much farther ahead... Maybe I should aim higher and I'll reach them on the journey.
I just went to the library and stood in the aisle of self-help books. (I didn't know I'd ever be seeking out self-help books) How to live, how to love, how to thrive, how to be happy. There were shelves of titles. It made me feel better. Lots of people out there are trying to figure out how to live, just as I am.
Learning
Walrus is away camping with his family so I will at least have a break from expecting communication from him. Hopefully he is committed to writing the thank you letter as promised. His mom is going to try to talk to him about how she and his dad treat him and what he's going through, and to update me when they come back.
I said before it was crazy how quickly a stranger becomes the most important person in your life. It's crazier when suddenly, you must not contact the person you used to talk to everyday.
Last night I read one of the poems he wrote me back in April and cried cried cried. I was going to reprint it here but feel I don't have the right to do that. The last line is 'You have never stopped saving my life'
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Why am I so torn up? Is it losing him, is it ego, is it guilt, is it fear for the future?
I am starting to wonder what the next relationship will be. People trying to comfort me are promising someone who will appreciate me, something so much better. I don't know. There might be some frogs before I find my prince, as they say. The promise of this wonderful guy is only frustrating at the moment. Why do I have to wait so long?
I am truly terrified to go through the 'I haven't really had successful sex' talk with someone. And I don't feel anyone will want to date someone who lives at home.
Oh I say the same things over and over. I was saying all this stuff last year! At least I tried sex. And learned some things about relationships and myself.
Yesterday I worked with my friend and boss Amy, and there was a long car ride out to the gig. We did the same gig last year and had a long conversation that I wrote about. This year's conversation was relationship-focused, and also gave me food for thought.
She is 32 and looking for a life partner, wants marriage and kids. She's pretty and outgoing, and is used to being a 'serial monogamist'. At the moment there are 3 new guys and an ex wanting into her life and she's confused. (oh to have a problem like that!)
Her ex is very similar to her and they had a passionate, tumultuous relationship that lasted 2 years. She thought they were soulmates. People would stop them on the street to tell them they had some kind of 'magic' as a couple. He just contacted her and asked her to take him back, and she felt nothing.
The new guys:
D, a firefighter who asked her out at one of our gigs two months ago. They had 6 dates, then after a long conversation about values, he told her he didn't feel he was the right guy for her. She was surprised and moved on. Then he contacted her, told her he made a mistake, couldn't stop thinking about her, told her all this stuff that's been happening in his life (his mom's dying) and she comforted him but said she was seeing other people and was willing to be his friend right now, and the door was open to other stuff. Then he backed away again, then changed his mind....Basically is really in a bad place right now and is being needy and jerking her around. She said she liked the idea of being able to rescue him (yup, I understand that one) but he can't be a jerk to her. She seemed pretty done with him, despite the attraction of helping someone in need.
I felt terrible hearing this story. People who are in pain really want someone to talk to, and long for someone to make them feel better. They need love so much, but they do things that prevent them from getting it. They can only take, not give. It seems a cruel joke, but that's how it often works out. I think I've been there, and Walrus was... Downwards spiral, so hard to get out of on your own.
The other two guys she's just started seeing, and likes both. One sold her a bike, one she met online. The bike guy is laid back, casual, not her type, but she can be herself around him, and even dress in sweatpants. The other, G, is more stylish, jetsetting, business background and she tries to be pretty and 'on' for their dates (not my type! I'd rather have the cyclist!)
I've gone way too much into details. It's like watching The Bachlorette! Who will she pick?
Back to my point- she kept talking about chemistry, and sparks. She had a spark with D and G right away, and great kissing. The bike guy is growing on her slowly.
I have never had chemistry or sparks. Walrus won me over, if that's the right expression for how complicated it was, with sweet words and basically not letting me alone. I have an idea that chemistry is exciting, but I sorta don't expect it to happen for me. Nor do I put that much importance in it.
I like the idea of a friendship that slowly and sweetly and naturally blossoms into love, but I'd have to have guy friends for that to happen.
It was so weird to hear her put this much importance in this elusive spark. The bike guy made her feel comfortable and relaxed and they had a lot of fun together. For me, that would count as a spark! I'm so shy that feeling good with someone right away would really have a lot of weight. I wouldn't dump someone for a bad kiss....
Then Amy said she's already thinking about who would be a good dad and husband. Who's right for the long term? She's having fun now with both the new guys, but she doesn't have time to put more than 6 months into a relationship that isn't the one.
This felt foreign to me too. My reaction was to just enjoy the moment, take it day by day. It takes so long to really get to know someone. Or at least a conversation about long term goals. It's gotta be a gut feeling, not a calculated decision.
And yet, that's how I see marriage. It has been a business arrangement for hundreds of years- love has only recently been a factor. People change and situations arise that can disrupt 'happily ever after'. It's a crap shoot. I'm not even sure I want to get married legally, but I do want a long term thing if there's going to be kids. (Is that ever going to happen for me? Eek!) Hearing Amy talk, I felt like my ideas became clear to myself. Pick someone you can be friends with, the easy comfortable relationship not the up and down thrill ride, pick someone with values and goals similar to your own and hope for the best. Relationships take work. Passion is not what I've after, although maybe once in my life I'd like to experience it...
There was other good conversation about goals, bucket lists...I'll have to do a part two later. This is getting long.
I said before it was crazy how quickly a stranger becomes the most important person in your life. It's crazier when suddenly, you must not contact the person you used to talk to everyday.
Last night I read one of the poems he wrote me back in April and cried cried cried. I was going to reprint it here but feel I don't have the right to do that. The last line is 'You have never stopped saving my life'
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Why am I so torn up? Is it losing him, is it ego, is it guilt, is it fear for the future?
I am starting to wonder what the next relationship will be. People trying to comfort me are promising someone who will appreciate me, something so much better. I don't know. There might be some frogs before I find my prince, as they say. The promise of this wonderful guy is only frustrating at the moment. Why do I have to wait so long?
I am truly terrified to go through the 'I haven't really had successful sex' talk with someone. And I don't feel anyone will want to date someone who lives at home.
Oh I say the same things over and over. I was saying all this stuff last year! At least I tried sex. And learned some things about relationships and myself.
Yesterday I worked with my friend and boss Amy, and there was a long car ride out to the gig. We did the same gig last year and had a long conversation that I wrote about. This year's conversation was relationship-focused, and also gave me food for thought.
She is 32 and looking for a life partner, wants marriage and kids. She's pretty and outgoing, and is used to being a 'serial monogamist'. At the moment there are 3 new guys and an ex wanting into her life and she's confused. (oh to have a problem like that!)
Her ex is very similar to her and they had a passionate, tumultuous relationship that lasted 2 years. She thought they were soulmates. People would stop them on the street to tell them they had some kind of 'magic' as a couple. He just contacted her and asked her to take him back, and she felt nothing.
The new guys:
D, a firefighter who asked her out at one of our gigs two months ago. They had 6 dates, then after a long conversation about values, he told her he didn't feel he was the right guy for her. She was surprised and moved on. Then he contacted her, told her he made a mistake, couldn't stop thinking about her, told her all this stuff that's been happening in his life (his mom's dying) and she comforted him but said she was seeing other people and was willing to be his friend right now, and the door was open to other stuff. Then he backed away again, then changed his mind....Basically is really in a bad place right now and is being needy and jerking her around. She said she liked the idea of being able to rescue him (yup, I understand that one) but he can't be a jerk to her. She seemed pretty done with him, despite the attraction of helping someone in need.
I felt terrible hearing this story. People who are in pain really want someone to talk to, and long for someone to make them feel better. They need love so much, but they do things that prevent them from getting it. They can only take, not give. It seems a cruel joke, but that's how it often works out. I think I've been there, and Walrus was... Downwards spiral, so hard to get out of on your own.
The other two guys she's just started seeing, and likes both. One sold her a bike, one she met online. The bike guy is laid back, casual, not her type, but she can be herself around him, and even dress in sweatpants. The other, G, is more stylish, jetsetting, business background and she tries to be pretty and 'on' for their dates (not my type! I'd rather have the cyclist!)
I've gone way too much into details. It's like watching The Bachlorette! Who will she pick?
Back to my point- she kept talking about chemistry, and sparks. She had a spark with D and G right away, and great kissing. The bike guy is growing on her slowly.
I have never had chemistry or sparks. Walrus won me over, if that's the right expression for how complicated it was, with sweet words and basically not letting me alone. I have an idea that chemistry is exciting, but I sorta don't expect it to happen for me. Nor do I put that much importance in it.
I like the idea of a friendship that slowly and sweetly and naturally blossoms into love, but I'd have to have guy friends for that to happen.
It was so weird to hear her put this much importance in this elusive spark. The bike guy made her feel comfortable and relaxed and they had a lot of fun together. For me, that would count as a spark! I'm so shy that feeling good with someone right away would really have a lot of weight. I wouldn't dump someone for a bad kiss....
Then Amy said she's already thinking about who would be a good dad and husband. Who's right for the long term? She's having fun now with both the new guys, but she doesn't have time to put more than 6 months into a relationship that isn't the one.
This felt foreign to me too. My reaction was to just enjoy the moment, take it day by day. It takes so long to really get to know someone. Or at least a conversation about long term goals. It's gotta be a gut feeling, not a calculated decision.
And yet, that's how I see marriage. It has been a business arrangement for hundreds of years- love has only recently been a factor. People change and situations arise that can disrupt 'happily ever after'. It's a crap shoot. I'm not even sure I want to get married legally, but I do want a long term thing if there's going to be kids. (Is that ever going to happen for me? Eek!) Hearing Amy talk, I felt like my ideas became clear to myself. Pick someone you can be friends with, the easy comfortable relationship not the up and down thrill ride, pick someone with values and goals similar to your own and hope for the best. Relationships take work. Passion is not what I've after, although maybe once in my life I'd like to experience it...
There was other good conversation about goals, bucket lists...I'll have to do a part two later. This is getting long.
Wednesday 25 July 2012
Reposting: Till Death Us Do Part
I just read this, and found it helpful for my situation. I imagine my blog is read mostly by people who are looking to have their first relationship, rather than people dealing with stroke/brain injury, but maybe somebody out there will learn something from this.
This isn't a special interest group. This is life. It's fragile and everything can change in an instant.
I keep defending Walrus and it seems like nobody agrees with me.
He did some hurtful things, some dumb ones too. I can't deny it.
I still believe he's a good person going through more than he can handle.
If it helps me to blame the brain injury, I don't see the harm in that.
I'll be okay.
-Eleanor
______________________________________________________________________________
TILL DEATH US DO PART by Kara Swanson
http://karaswanson.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/till-death-us-do-part/
This is admitedly a hard one to write. One I’ve put off because the issue is so painful to so many. It has so many edges and pointy elbows. So many prickers. I’ve seen it torture so many people and dismantle so many couples. It hurts my heart.
What do you do when your spouse or partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, acquires a traumatic brain injury that significantly changes the dynamics of that person’s personality? Their very essence…
What happens when the injury takes the person you loved and chose, even married, and replaces him/her with someone you don’t want to be with any longer? Someone you never would have chosen? Someone you don’t even recognize beyond a familiar face?
Traumatic brain injury is a mean bugger, make no mistake. It’s no surprise that the incidence of divorce after TBI is astronomical. There are very few other conditions which similarly steal so quickly and dramatically the very characteristics which make a person that particular person. The one you chose.
If you are blessed enough in this life to find someone who is your ideal…Someone with your version of great character, complementary goals, compatible habits and mutual interests, it is hard as hell to have that snapped away in an instant. Cruel.
What do you do? The love of your life who was once kind and warm, funny and selfless, helpful and romantic, even-keeled and emotionally balanced, all of a sudden is mean and hurtful, unpredictable and depressed, self-centered and bitter, rageful or even dangerous.
What do you do?
There is pressure to stay. We take vows of “till death us do part” and “in sickness and in health” Most of us take them seriously and should.
There is guilt. Fear. The pressure of “what will people think?” if you leave someone who has been disabled and his/her whole life has been turned upside down. How can you leave? What does that say about you?
There is pressure from families and friends who, to be honest, want you to keep the brain injured person and not return him/her to their family to have to deal with. What will become of the person if you leave? How do you make that right in your mind?
It’s a lot.
I watched my father take care of my mother after massive strokes left her significantly damaged and unable to speak coherently or take care of herself. I had the utmost respect and admiration for him but I could not have judged him had he decided to admit her to a care facility. Nobody can judge something so personal and so intimate.
I have heard of far too many couples who have suffered a traumatic brain injury to their marriage. Some on their honeymoon, of all things. Some, even, just weeks before their marriage. Or a month after their first child was born. What an awful place to be.
It affects everything. People are suddenly faced with a partner who isn’t what they counted on. Depended on. Maybe he or she cannot be trusted with the children, is no longer contributing to the finances of the household and can no longer be an equal partner in decision making. Or the caregiving relationship becomes more parent/child than equal adult. Because their personalities have changed and often for the worse, maybe they are no longer pleasant and there is no desire for intimacy. You don’t even LIKE them any more. You sure don’t want to have sex…
People have approached me so many times asking what should they do. How can they stay and how can they leave? How and when will they know? When is enough, enough?
I believe that the decision to stay or leave must be one that you can live with either way. One without regret. You have to be able to feel you did everything you could to improve your situation and to make your relationship work, even if it is markedly different from the one you enjoyed before the injury. Different doesn’t always mean worse, after all.
The first issue is always safety. If you or your children are not safe because the survivor has created an unsafe environment, there is no waiting. There is no question. No hemming and no hawing. If you are threatened either because of something they are doing or incapable of doing and your very life and well-being is in peril, you get out immediately.
If you are not in any physical danger and the situation is simply no longer desireable or bearable, there is a series of steps I feel is a good guideline for making it or determining it unmakeable.
You let the healing take place and you let the doctors do their thing. You exhaust every possible rehabilitation that will afford you a pretty clear picture of what the problems are and what’s likely to remain. I went through physical, occupational, speech, specialized balance, alternative vocational, driver’s and psychological therapies before I had a clear understanding of what was unlikely to heal any further and what I needed to do for each particular problem.
It’s important to learn. You learn about the injury and you learn about the myriad ripple effects of it. You learn what specific and unique challenges your loved one now faces. You learn how they feel about what has happened to them and how that affects their behavior and attitude and potential. You learn about your own feelings and how they are affecting your behavior and attitude and potential. You share the information with family and friends and keep them involved in the process.
It’s so important to begin to separate the problems that are actual symptoms of the injury from those that are symptoms of the emotional aftermath of it. For example, is he rageful because that part of the brain was damaged or because he is angry that this awful thing happened? Is he acting recklessly because his brain can no longer keep him safe or because he’s depressed and simply doesn’t care any more? Is she sitting on the couch doing nothing all day because of damage to her ability to initiate or is she feeling sorry for herself because she no longer has her former capabilities?
Each problem will dictate each solution. Medication, relearning, compensatory techniques, adaptive equipment, emotional processing…There is help! Problems can be resolved! But it takes time and a lot of effort. Problems need to be recognized and untangled and set apart and given appropriate treatment. If the person’s brain has been damaged to the point where they cannot tie their shoes any longer, you don’t yell at them for not caring enough to tie their shoes. You find out if they can relearn that skill or begin wearing slip-ons or velcro shoes.
One of the biggest steps in the series is getting both of you competent therapy. The injury has happened to both of you, affects you differently, and you both likely need help in accepting it and adjusting to the screaming change that has been thrust upon you. A good therapist can help the survivor accept the injury, let go of the life that has been forever altered, regain self esteem, and find a way to welcome this new life and head forward. A good therapist can also help the “well” partner accept the injury, work through the grief of losing dreams and plans, the mourning of their lost loved one and how they used to be and the resentment that often comes from being partnered with someone who has so dramatically changed the relationship. I cannot speak highly enough of how helpful a good therapist can be.
A lot CAN improve. A lot CAN be figured out and fixed. A lot CAN even be better than it was. I’ve heard several people tell me their marriages were “better than they’ve ever been” after injury. Many times the injured person emerges a better person because of their injury experience and the perspective it gifts. It may take some time to regain their footing and put the puzzle back together but I can’t count the people I know who are better for it and able to move beyond it.
But the injury does exist and it demands. The “well” person has to nurture him or herself. You need help. You need to preserve and not disappear. If you choose to stay, you need to enlist the help of your support circle to keep you from getting burned out.
And, often times, your old support circle suddenly isn’t what it used to be. You and your spouse used to go camping with other couples or to the casino or to each other’s homes to play cards. When a couple changes, often times the people around you can’t or won’t accept that. They want the old roles you played in their lives and they don’t want to change how you interact.
If brain injury forever changes who you are, then likely it also changes who you are with. At least in part. People bond because of shared interest and common experience. It may help you enormously to get involved with other people in the brain injury community who will understand what you’re going through.
There is no time limit for knowing. Each survivor faces unique challenges and responds to them differently. No course of treatment meets all the needs of each family. Hopefully you will take the steps and afford yourself enough information and time and rest in order to make the decision you feel good about.
If you stay or go, it’s not going to be easy. There is sadness and grief over a life you had thought was waiting for you. Nobody wanted this. Nobody asked for this. Nobody prepared us for it.
And, although people are commended for staying and sticking and honoring their vows, sometimes determining the need to go is the best decision you can make for a relationship. If you cannot accept the injury and forgive it…If you find that you cannot release the resentment and you are simply punishing the survivor day to day with your own bitterness and anger, then staying for staying’s sake isn’t helping anyone. Survivors need to be surrounded with genuine support and positive, accepting people.
Take your time. Sleep on it. Gather all the information. Let as many professionals, medications, therapists and support people help as you can muster. Even if you don’t stay, none of the steps will be in vain. Both of you will be better for all the efforts.
I wish you all the very best in your decision. I’m sorry you are in the situation you are in and I wish you both new paths of joy.
Tuesday 24 July 2012
I feel stupid
I just got back from seeing Walrus. I went to his group home and the staff seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. Walrus was in his room. He was wearing a nice shirt and for a minute I thought he was trying to look nice for me. Like a date.
But we didn't hug. And I probably knew right then.
We went to the restaurant and it was just small talk, small talk, small talk. We did share food. There was conversation without much connection- only a shared eye roll at the mention of my dad's new wife, otherwise you'd think we were casual acquaintances. He sprawled sideways in the booth with his feet on the seat- something I consider a bit rude. I wondered what I saw in him- I wondered where the connection had gone.
I did not feel in love. I felt like I could live my life without him quite easily.
And yet, when we left (oh, I paid for the meal of course) I suggested we walk around the block. Whatever I had to say, I felt I needed to say it. I really wanted him to say I was a good girlfriend, I think.
He talked a bit about another resident at the house who was moving out. This guy always used a wheelchair even though he could walk, and it used to piss Walrus off. I asked if it still annoyed him, and he talked about how he'd mentioned the issue to his neuro-psychiatrist. "I'm not usually an angry guy," he told her. She said that the anger was probably at his own progress, or lack thereof, and that brain injuries really change the balance of the brain, and emotions can be intense.
That moment was one of those rare glimpses into who he is, and what he's going through. I was there through this period of anger, and he didn't tell me about it at the time. I always tried to get him to discuss with me how his counselling sessions went and he would always clam up.
He changed the subject back to small talk and I was disappointed. I took a deep breath and said, "is it weird to see me?" "No, should it be?"
And I cried. I buried my face in his neck and cried. He held me for a long time. I drew away. I muttered about Kleenex. He asked if I was going to be okay. I said yes. I think he said something about a garden we were passing.
We kept walking. I would sniffle and sometimes let out a big sob. He was mostly silent or talked about houses we were passing. He's done that to me before, when I was angry at him, he just shuts down. I said at one point, "did you know you were such a heartbreaker?"
At the end I sputtered something like 'I wish you'd talked to me more.' He couldn't understand a word of course, through my tears. "You don't really open up very easily" "There's nothing to open up about"
"Yes there is. That anger thing, for example. You never mentioned it and I was there, trying to deal with it too"
We were back at his group home. I said 'I don't want to come inside'. So we hugged for a long time on the sidewalk and I openly sobbed. I didn't say what I wanted to say, I didn't hear what I needed to hear. I sputtered out a thank you and so did he. He asked if I was going to be all right and I blubbered 'yes of course'. (I felt like adding, "you're not Johnny Depp!" but it wouldn't have been funny if I cried while I said it) We turned away from each other.
I had an half an hour wait for the bus and another half an hour ride home, crying the whole time.
I texted him and said, 'I thought I could handle that better or I wouldn't have asked to see you." He said, "Don't apologize. Is there anything I can do?"
I thought for a long time and finally I wrote back, "I wrote you a thank you letter. I'd like the same from you." He said he'd be happy to do that. So I will wait for that.
I texted my sister on the way home and she said this (the crying) is not about him, it's about something else and I need to figure out what it is.
I feel mistreated, and yet I'm not all that angry at him. Failure is in there somewhere, although why I thought I could save him is beyond me. Sadness and anger at being this naive at this age....I haven't worked it all out.
This whole relationship was confusing, and bordering on ridiculous. I don't know him at all. He's an emotional brick wall. I was longing to be talked to...jealous of his psychiatrist!
I have my road test tomorrow to get my driver's license. I need to go to bed.
But we didn't hug. And I probably knew right then.
We went to the restaurant and it was just small talk, small talk, small talk. We did share food. There was conversation without much connection- only a shared eye roll at the mention of my dad's new wife, otherwise you'd think we were casual acquaintances. He sprawled sideways in the booth with his feet on the seat- something I consider a bit rude. I wondered what I saw in him- I wondered where the connection had gone.
I did not feel in love. I felt like I could live my life without him quite easily.
And yet, when we left (oh, I paid for the meal of course) I suggested we walk around the block. Whatever I had to say, I felt I needed to say it. I really wanted him to say I was a good girlfriend, I think.
He talked a bit about another resident at the house who was moving out. This guy always used a wheelchair even though he could walk, and it used to piss Walrus off. I asked if it still annoyed him, and he talked about how he'd mentioned the issue to his neuro-psychiatrist. "I'm not usually an angry guy," he told her. She said that the anger was probably at his own progress, or lack thereof, and that brain injuries really change the balance of the brain, and emotions can be intense.
That moment was one of those rare glimpses into who he is, and what he's going through. I was there through this period of anger, and he didn't tell me about it at the time. I always tried to get him to discuss with me how his counselling sessions went and he would always clam up.
He changed the subject back to small talk and I was disappointed. I took a deep breath and said, "is it weird to see me?" "No, should it be?"
And I cried. I buried my face in his neck and cried. He held me for a long time. I drew away. I muttered about Kleenex. He asked if I was going to be okay. I said yes. I think he said something about a garden we were passing.
We kept walking. I would sniffle and sometimes let out a big sob. He was mostly silent or talked about houses we were passing. He's done that to me before, when I was angry at him, he just shuts down. I said at one point, "did you know you were such a heartbreaker?"
At the end I sputtered something like 'I wish you'd talked to me more.' He couldn't understand a word of course, through my tears. "You don't really open up very easily" "There's nothing to open up about"
"Yes there is. That anger thing, for example. You never mentioned it and I was there, trying to deal with it too"
We were back at his group home. I said 'I don't want to come inside'. So we hugged for a long time on the sidewalk and I openly sobbed. I didn't say what I wanted to say, I didn't hear what I needed to hear. I sputtered out a thank you and so did he. He asked if I was going to be all right and I blubbered 'yes of course'. (I felt like adding, "you're not Johnny Depp!" but it wouldn't have been funny if I cried while I said it) We turned away from each other.
I had an half an hour wait for the bus and another half an hour ride home, crying the whole time.
I texted him and said, 'I thought I could handle that better or I wouldn't have asked to see you." He said, "Don't apologize. Is there anything I can do?"
I thought for a long time and finally I wrote back, "I wrote you a thank you letter. I'd like the same from you." He said he'd be happy to do that. So I will wait for that.
I texted my sister on the way home and she said this (the crying) is not about him, it's about something else and I need to figure out what it is.
I feel mistreated, and yet I'm not all that angry at him. Failure is in there somewhere, although why I thought I could save him is beyond me. Sadness and anger at being this naive at this age....I haven't worked it all out.
This whole relationship was confusing, and bordering on ridiculous. I don't know him at all. He's an emotional brick wall. I was longing to be talked to...jealous of his psychiatrist!
I have my road test tomorrow to get my driver's license. I need to go to bed.
Monday 23 July 2012
Not letting things be
I have had a weepy few days- why? I'm not sure. At one point even had an online chat with Walrus about my dad. He wasn't being very sympathetic, not unkind, just more practical, but he said he was willing to listen anytime.
The next morning, against my own better judgement, I invited Walrus to coffee. We arranged to meet tomorrow evening.
Then I had a schedule conflict and tried to rearrange things. Felt like a jerk, was all apologetic, confused him with too many options. I think I'll have to make it work at the old time.
What do I want to happen, anyways?
I'm initiating every contact. He seems happy to respond, and is very kind, but doesn't reach out for me.
(He just not that into me? Do I actually have to say that to myself)
I just have to see him. The breakup was done badly, mostly by him, a little bit by me. I just want the ceremonial thank-yous and goodbyes. I think we can be friends, with the passage of time.
Stupid little part of me just wants the old thing back. We can fix it! We can fix it!
I need to remember that someone who was in love with me would not go to a party without telling me where he was. Especially when we were alone together.
And if I was in love with him...I might not be writing this blog!
But oh, stupid part of me is very loud and wants to be his princess again.
The next morning, against my own better judgement, I invited Walrus to coffee. We arranged to meet tomorrow evening.
Then I had a schedule conflict and tried to rearrange things. Felt like a jerk, was all apologetic, confused him with too many options. I think I'll have to make it work at the old time.
What do I want to happen, anyways?
I'm initiating every contact. He seems happy to respond, and is very kind, but doesn't reach out for me.
(He just not that into me? Do I actually have to say that to myself)
I just have to see him. The breakup was done badly, mostly by him, a little bit by me. I just want the ceremonial thank-yous and goodbyes. I think we can be friends, with the passage of time.
Stupid little part of me just wants the old thing back. We can fix it! We can fix it!
I need to remember that someone who was in love with me would not go to a party without telling me where he was. Especially when we were alone together.
And if I was in love with him...I might not be writing this blog!
But oh, stupid part of me is very loud and wants to be his princess again.
Sunday 22 July 2012
More feeling sorry for myself
I just write these to feel better. Please don't feel obligated to read them.
The choir performed at a festival last night. I spent a lot of time preparing a piece of artwork/sign for us to carry. (It was an outdoor event, and we were to wander the grounds, singing and getting the public to join in with us) As I worked on the sign, I put on the 6-hour Pride and Prejudice miniseries (the one with Colin Firth- swoon!)
Before I dated anybody, I used to watch movies like that because I craved the romantic storylines. I wonder if I've got funny ideas about romance because of them. There's not a lot of sex in Jane Austen novels, that old notion that a pure kind of love doesn't involve anything so dirty. At least until after the characters are married!
Anyways, I'm not sure it was a good idea to watch P&P right now. I'm longing to be loved. To be pursued, even better! And I do love stories where love makes a flawed man be a better person. Haha. Mr. Darcy isn't real.
Walrus was supposed to come to this festival and sing with the choir but he'd also promised to go to a friend's birthday gathering at a restaurant. I knew he doublebooked himself a month ago but let him figure it out himself- he didn't. I was texting him yesterday, because I was going to bring him a chair in case he got tired at the festival, said he could do both if he timed it right, but he went to the party.
I sorta want to see him to see where I am with this breakup. I want to talk, really talk to him. Don't know if that's a good idea.
The group home phoned me at almost 1am last night when Walrus hadn't come back. I got the message this morning and called them back. They said he came back at 1:30am. I told them not to call me anymore.
Keep having the impulse to ask him to talk with me in person again, or to disguise it as a invite to go to coffee. Not sure if he'd accept, not sure what I want to accomplish.
Yes, sometimes I do want to get back together. He had his good points, and I miss that. I do wonder if I'm just missing having someone rather than missing him in particular. It's nice to be held, nice to have someone to talk to and tell the day's stories to, nice to have someone to go to things with.
Other times I think there is no way I could go back into that relationship- worrying if he's brushed his teeth, or made his appointments. Struggling to get him to open up to me. Paying for everything!
A big part of it might be guilt, and how I feel about myself. I want to be friends with him. Want to be a good person, a good girlfriend. Want to understand what I did wrong.
Maybe it's not fair that I feel should take the blame. He certainly had his faults too.
I am waiting to hear back about my medical tests. In the meantime, life is a bit uncomfortable.
I've been looking at OKCupid almost every day. Don't see a lot of good men out there, or if they do sound interesting I find a flaw. Fair enough, it's only been a few weeks and I'm not ready for anything new yet.
Sometimes I think they wouldn't want me. Actually I think that quite a lot. A lot of men want a women who's "doing something with her life" and I don't feel I qualify. I'm glad they don't want women to be housekeepers and sitting around waiting to get married. But I still live at home and I'm 30. And all the personality questions about sex are really getting to me. I'm not going to sleep with anyone on the first date, and kinky stuff is way beyond me. Who will want me? If you want that kind of innocence, date an 18 year old with perky breasts!
There's a lot of sad stories on OKC if you look. Well, Walrus had one. I read one the other day, no picture posted, but for the 'most personal thing you're willing to share' part, he had written that it's been a long time since he'd been in a relationship and he was afraid he'd forget where things go. It was longer than that, and sadder, and a little bit more witty. I almost felt like writing to him but he liked roleplaying games and I pictured this basement dwelling geek. I know a few geeky guys who tend to self-sabotage a little bit, but blame everybody but themselves, and get bitter. Anyways, I just pictured the worst. And why should I seek out men I feel sorry for? Hey, you sound like you'll be a lousy lover- let's go to coffee.
Speaking of basement dwelling- I'm really worried about my mom and her finances if my dad doesn't pay her. Wondered if I should move into our basement, which is almost fitted out as its own suite, minus a stove and fridge, and pay her rent. I could have more independence, and she could have a little income, and I could still keep an eye on her. I think it would be hard to change our ways though. I'm used to sharing meals with her, chores, conversation. Seems like an artificial separation.
And it wouldn't be good for me. I should move out, live in a neighbourhood with cafes and young people and really be on my own.
I have a few weeks until my part-time unpaid internship starts. I should stop sulking and really work on my projects. And clean the house!
So tired of being alone. So tired of getting nowhere. Just waiting for something good to happen, one piece of the puzzle to fall into place. Want to move forward.
The choir performed at a festival last night. I spent a lot of time preparing a piece of artwork/sign for us to carry. (It was an outdoor event, and we were to wander the grounds, singing and getting the public to join in with us) As I worked on the sign, I put on the 6-hour Pride and Prejudice miniseries (the one with Colin Firth- swoon!)
Before I dated anybody, I used to watch movies like that because I craved the romantic storylines. I wonder if I've got funny ideas about romance because of them. There's not a lot of sex in Jane Austen novels, that old notion that a pure kind of love doesn't involve anything so dirty. At least until after the characters are married!
Anyways, I'm not sure it was a good idea to watch P&P right now. I'm longing to be loved. To be pursued, even better! And I do love stories where love makes a flawed man be a better person. Haha. Mr. Darcy isn't real.
Walrus was supposed to come to this festival and sing with the choir but he'd also promised to go to a friend's birthday gathering at a restaurant. I knew he doublebooked himself a month ago but let him figure it out himself- he didn't. I was texting him yesterday, because I was going to bring him a chair in case he got tired at the festival, said he could do both if he timed it right, but he went to the party.
I sorta want to see him to see where I am with this breakup. I want to talk, really talk to him. Don't know if that's a good idea.
The group home phoned me at almost 1am last night when Walrus hadn't come back. I got the message this morning and called them back. They said he came back at 1:30am. I told them not to call me anymore.
Keep having the impulse to ask him to talk with me in person again, or to disguise it as a invite to go to coffee. Not sure if he'd accept, not sure what I want to accomplish.
Yes, sometimes I do want to get back together. He had his good points, and I miss that. I do wonder if I'm just missing having someone rather than missing him in particular. It's nice to be held, nice to have someone to talk to and tell the day's stories to, nice to have someone to go to things with.
Other times I think there is no way I could go back into that relationship- worrying if he's brushed his teeth, or made his appointments. Struggling to get him to open up to me. Paying for everything!
A big part of it might be guilt, and how I feel about myself. I want to be friends with him. Want to be a good person, a good girlfriend. Want to understand what I did wrong.
Maybe it's not fair that I feel should take the blame. He certainly had his faults too.
I am waiting to hear back about my medical tests. In the meantime, life is a bit uncomfortable.
I've been looking at OKCupid almost every day. Don't see a lot of good men out there, or if they do sound interesting I find a flaw. Fair enough, it's only been a few weeks and I'm not ready for anything new yet.
Sometimes I think they wouldn't want me. Actually I think that quite a lot. A lot of men want a women who's "doing something with her life" and I don't feel I qualify. I'm glad they don't want women to be housekeepers and sitting around waiting to get married. But I still live at home and I'm 30. And all the personality questions about sex are really getting to me. I'm not going to sleep with anyone on the first date, and kinky stuff is way beyond me. Who will want me? If you want that kind of innocence, date an 18 year old with perky breasts!
There's a lot of sad stories on OKC if you look. Well, Walrus had one. I read one the other day, no picture posted, but for the 'most personal thing you're willing to share' part, he had written that it's been a long time since he'd been in a relationship and he was afraid he'd forget where things go. It was longer than that, and sadder, and a little bit more witty. I almost felt like writing to him but he liked roleplaying games and I pictured this basement dwelling geek. I know a few geeky guys who tend to self-sabotage a little bit, but blame everybody but themselves, and get bitter. Anyways, I just pictured the worst. And why should I seek out men I feel sorry for? Hey, you sound like you'll be a lousy lover- let's go to coffee.
Speaking of basement dwelling- I'm really worried about my mom and her finances if my dad doesn't pay her. Wondered if I should move into our basement, which is almost fitted out as its own suite, minus a stove and fridge, and pay her rent. I could have more independence, and she could have a little income, and I could still keep an eye on her. I think it would be hard to change our ways though. I'm used to sharing meals with her, chores, conversation. Seems like an artificial separation.
And it wouldn't be good for me. I should move out, live in a neighbourhood with cafes and young people and really be on my own.
I have a few weeks until my part-time unpaid internship starts. I should stop sulking and really work on my projects. And clean the house!
So tired of being alone. So tired of getting nowhere. Just waiting for something good to happen, one piece of the puzzle to fall into place. Want to move forward.
Friday 20 July 2012
Doppelganger
I have short brown hair, and light brows, perhaps a slightly shorter nose, but a fairly good resemblance.
Painting by Maurice Denis- Eva Meurier in a Green Dress 1891
Thursday 19 July 2012
Huh
Walrus didn't come to choir. I watched the door for him for the first half an hour, then I relaxed. I had fun singing. Did I feel lighter, not standing beside his chair?
He hadn't told anyone we broke up apparently- some people asked where he was, or where I'd been. I told a few people, made excuses to others.
Back at home, his parents just came by and stuffed a card in my mailbox. A gift card for art supplies for the housesitting.
His mom fought harder for me than he did!
He hadn't told anyone we broke up apparently- some people asked where he was, or where I'd been. I told a few people, made excuses to others.
Back at home, his parents just came by and stuffed a card in my mailbox. A gift card for art supplies for the housesitting.
His mom fought harder for me than he did!
Plateau
I'm not depressed, but I am pretty low.
The ultrasound was quick. I had to drink 4 glasses of water beforehand, so fairly uncomfortable! No results yet- the technician is not allowed to talk to me about it- so waiting to hear from my doctor. I did see on the screen a big red shape, circled. What was that? I'm freaking out.
I can't even deal with my father, can't even try to think about what goes on in his head. How is my mother going to handle this? What is her future?
I'm trying to work on projects, slowly. My plan to get back into teaching art classes was dampened last night when I realized most community centres need 4-6 months notice to offer a class. I won't be teaching in September, maybe January, if I start contacting the programmers now. Some places actually want instructors to have a business license and their own insurance, which is ridiculous.
3 people wrote to me on OKCupid- nobody I wanted to write back to.
Read a scary article this morning on climate change. We're screwed! This is in Rolling Stone magazine, fairly mainstream publication.
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/global-warmings-terrifying-new-math-20120719
Gotta keep working on my goals, maybe read those green living books I got from the library.
I wrote to Walrus this morning saying I needed a friend. I told him about the health problem, and dad. His reply was fairly practical. I'm going to choir tonight, it's the last one before summer break. I wonder if it will be awkward to see him, or for other people to see us both but not together.
I am feeling angry again for how this ended- it was a stupid and rude thing he did, and he was pretty passive about the breakup. I'm angry with him, and at the same time I want to be friends and would help him if he needed me.
just keep swimming. just keep swimming.
The ultrasound was quick. I had to drink 4 glasses of water beforehand, so fairly uncomfortable! No results yet- the technician is not allowed to talk to me about it- so waiting to hear from my doctor. I did see on the screen a big red shape, circled. What was that? I'm freaking out.
I can't even deal with my father, can't even try to think about what goes on in his head. How is my mother going to handle this? What is her future?
I'm trying to work on projects, slowly. My plan to get back into teaching art classes was dampened last night when I realized most community centres need 4-6 months notice to offer a class. I won't be teaching in September, maybe January, if I start contacting the programmers now. Some places actually want instructors to have a business license and their own insurance, which is ridiculous.
3 people wrote to me on OKCupid- nobody I wanted to write back to.
Read a scary article this morning on climate change. We're screwed! This is in Rolling Stone magazine, fairly mainstream publication.
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/global-warmings-terrifying-new-math-20120719
Gotta keep working on my goals, maybe read those green living books I got from the library.
I wrote to Walrus this morning saying I needed a friend. I told him about the health problem, and dad. His reply was fairly practical. I'm going to choir tonight, it's the last one before summer break. I wonder if it will be awkward to see him, or for other people to see us both but not together.
I am feeling angry again for how this ended- it was a stupid and rude thing he did, and he was pretty passive about the breakup. I'm angry with him, and at the same time I want to be friends and would help him if he needed me.
just keep swimming. just keep swimming.
Tuesday 17 July 2012
More worries
This is my 101th post. 101st? Over 6900 views on this blog. For my boring little life!
Dad is refusing to pay Mom the money the judge decided he owed her. He's going to appeal. He's going to spend more money fighting to not give her money than he actually owes her. No wonder I'm not talking to him.
Tomorrow I have to have an ultrasound. I have to pee all the time! They're going to look at my bladder. Obviously this is going to be unpleasant and I'm a bit worried.
Yesterday I decided I was going to buckle down and make some changes. I read on the internet about setting goals and wrote down a whole list of things for different areas of my life. Maybe I'll share them here, although I did watch a TEDtalk that said it was better to keep goals a secret until you achieve them.
I got some vegetarian cookbooks today. Going to go back on my low-GI diet, and head towards vegetarian at the same time. Or something like that. It's not exactly sorted out yet.
Today I've already lost steam a little, but I don't think it's good to tackle every goal at once!
Sigh. I need a hug.
Dad is refusing to pay Mom the money the judge decided he owed her. He's going to appeal. He's going to spend more money fighting to not give her money than he actually owes her. No wonder I'm not talking to him.
Tomorrow I have to have an ultrasound. I have to pee all the time! They're going to look at my bladder. Obviously this is going to be unpleasant and I'm a bit worried.
Yesterday I decided I was going to buckle down and make some changes. I read on the internet about setting goals and wrote down a whole list of things for different areas of my life. Maybe I'll share them here, although I did watch a TEDtalk that said it was better to keep goals a secret until you achieve them.
I got some vegetarian cookbooks today. Going to go back on my low-GI diet, and head towards vegetarian at the same time. Or something like that. It's not exactly sorted out yet.
Today I've already lost steam a little, but I don't think it's good to tackle every goal at once!
Sigh. I need a hug.
Monday 16 July 2012
Alone in a crowd
The festival is over and I'm wired. I live for this festival. Best three days of my whole year.
This one was a little dampened though, literally and figuratively.
I cry easily. This is new, just in the past few years. And it's not just when things are sad. No, I am more likely to cry when something good is happening. I must be so negative about the world and human nature that seeing people being kind makes me blubber.
This festival is how life should be. People are friendly. Lost wallets get returned. Everybody dances badly and nobody laughs.
I found tears running down my face because an old couple was holding hands. Because a little girl stood on her dad's shoulders and everybody clapped. Because I thought the gestures of the sign language interpreter were beautiful.
It's a bit ridiculous!
I saw a friend at the festival and told her about it and she said I was just in an emotional state right now.
I saw Walrus only briefly on Saturday and not at all today. Saturday I packed an extra mug for him. He went home early both days, just completely tired out. We were texting a bit, since I had offered him a ride home any night if he stayed til the end. (After the break up, we only emailed. Texting seemed an invasion of privacy or something. Arbitrary rule, since he gets email on his smart phone just as quickly.)
I have to say seeing him on Friday, the brain injury was very obvious. Or at least I saw it more than before. I still care about him, went straight into fuss mode. I think that means I look down on him a little- I see him as someone who needs help. I feel bad about that- I feel like a terrible person and even worse, my secret fear, what if the whole thing was ridiculous?
Wait, let's not go there. That's disrespectful to him.
Anyways, I've discussed at length the various ways I am sad about the break-up. When I saw him again, I felt very very far from being in love from him.
I saw lots of people I knew at the festival, but mostly I was alone. I watched groups of friends gather, couples cuddling, young families playing in the grass...This is my eighth year at the festival and I am starting to know more people, but I was really looking forward to having somebody 'with' me.
Despite all there was to see at the festival, I wasn't really able to be present and enjoy it. My mind was thinking of other things. Walrus, a little, since I knew he was somewhere nearby. Mostly feeling very sorry for myself.
I said everyone dances at the fest, but I don't because I'm shy. I want to very much, and I have this idea that my perfect man would get me to dance. Tears ran down my face and smudged my face paint as I thought about this.
Seeing couples touching and kissing made me realize how little passion Walrus and I had. We did, for a while, but it only lasted a few months, tops.
I want to be in love. To the point where no other goals have much meaning. I would love to be loyal and good to somebody. I would love to be special to somebody. Oh please, universe, send me my person.
I'm sure lots of single people feel the same way. Thousands, millions, of lonely people. A lifetime partnership, a happy marriage, is still a rare achievement, but it seems such a blessing.
This weekend I finished reading a book 'The Other' by David Guterson. It's about two men, friends since boyhood. One leads an average life as a teacher, husband and father; the other opts out and lives as a hermit in the woods. There's some line in the book about the second character: "Everything was an ethical decision for him. You just can't live like that!" That's how I feel about myself!
Also the first character had a long and happy marriage with his wife, and said he took refuge in her, and that made me cry.
I mention the book just because it really got to me at this particular moment, and added to the spontaneous weeping.
My mom got screwed by my dad and maybe she'll be alone for the rest of her life. My grandma got screwed by my granddad and she has been alone, by choice for the last 40 years. Seems happy with her decision. Could I be?
A life partner, children...I'd be happy just for a summer fling so I can get this sex thing figured out.
Lonelier than ever. Longing, longing, longing for my happy ending
This one was a little dampened though, literally and figuratively.
I cry easily. This is new, just in the past few years. And it's not just when things are sad. No, I am more likely to cry when something good is happening. I must be so negative about the world and human nature that seeing people being kind makes me blubber.
This festival is how life should be. People are friendly. Lost wallets get returned. Everybody dances badly and nobody laughs.
I found tears running down my face because an old couple was holding hands. Because a little girl stood on her dad's shoulders and everybody clapped. Because I thought the gestures of the sign language interpreter were beautiful.
It's a bit ridiculous!
I saw a friend at the festival and told her about it and she said I was just in an emotional state right now.
I saw Walrus only briefly on Saturday and not at all today. Saturday I packed an extra mug for him. He went home early both days, just completely tired out. We were texting a bit, since I had offered him a ride home any night if he stayed til the end. (After the break up, we only emailed. Texting seemed an invasion of privacy or something. Arbitrary rule, since he gets email on his smart phone just as quickly.)
I have to say seeing him on Friday, the brain injury was very obvious. Or at least I saw it more than before. I still care about him, went straight into fuss mode. I think that means I look down on him a little- I see him as someone who needs help. I feel bad about that- I feel like a terrible person and even worse, my secret fear, what if the whole thing was ridiculous?
Wait, let's not go there. That's disrespectful to him.
Anyways, I've discussed at length the various ways I am sad about the break-up. When I saw him again, I felt very very far from being in love from him.
I saw lots of people I knew at the festival, but mostly I was alone. I watched groups of friends gather, couples cuddling, young families playing in the grass...This is my eighth year at the festival and I am starting to know more people, but I was really looking forward to having somebody 'with' me.
Despite all there was to see at the festival, I wasn't really able to be present and enjoy it. My mind was thinking of other things. Walrus, a little, since I knew he was somewhere nearby. Mostly feeling very sorry for myself.
I said everyone dances at the fest, but I don't because I'm shy. I want to very much, and I have this idea that my perfect man would get me to dance. Tears ran down my face and smudged my face paint as I thought about this.
Seeing couples touching and kissing made me realize how little passion Walrus and I had. We did, for a while, but it only lasted a few months, tops.
I want to be in love. To the point where no other goals have much meaning. I would love to be loyal and good to somebody. I would love to be special to somebody. Oh please, universe, send me my person.
I'm sure lots of single people feel the same way. Thousands, millions, of lonely people. A lifetime partnership, a happy marriage, is still a rare achievement, but it seems such a blessing.
This weekend I finished reading a book 'The Other' by David Guterson. It's about two men, friends since boyhood. One leads an average life as a teacher, husband and father; the other opts out and lives as a hermit in the woods. There's some line in the book about the second character: "Everything was an ethical decision for him. You just can't live like that!" That's how I feel about myself!
Also the first character had a long and happy marriage with his wife, and said he took refuge in her, and that made me cry.
I mention the book just because it really got to me at this particular moment, and added to the spontaneous weeping.
My mom got screwed by my dad and maybe she'll be alone for the rest of her life. My grandma got screwed by my granddad and she has been alone, by choice for the last 40 years. Seems happy with her decision. Could I be?
A life partner, children...I'd be happy just for a summer fling so I can get this sex thing figured out.
Lonelier than ever. Longing, longing, longing for my happy ending
Saturday 14 July 2012
Weird
Saw him in the food tent at the festival. We hugged. I lent him my reusable mug. Went to get it back later and he chatted about stuff in the group home. I offered him a ride home. Small talk.
Pretty much like before, except slightly awkward on my part. He rubbed my shoulder as he got out of the car, said 'thanks for the ride'
Huh.
Pretty much like before, except slightly awkward on my part. He rubbed my shoulder as he got out of the car, said 'thanks for the ride'
Huh.
Friday 13 July 2012
Anticipating the anti-climax
I will see Walrus tonight. We have emailed a tiny bit concerning me returning a cord for his phone to him. I tried to ask him what is going to happen when we meet. Will we spend the festival avoiding each other? That's not his style. He replied that life is too short to stress about these things and I should just do what I want to do and enjoy my weekend. Don't sweat the small stuff.
I'm crying now and I can see myself bursting into tears while seeing him or shortly after, so it isn't small stuff to me. I don't know what he thinks of me and it's driving me crazy. I'll admit it- I want him to miss me or feel like he's made the wrong choice. At the very least I want him not to think ill of me. I always have to be morally right!
The tiny hope that we will reconcile has to be squashed. It will not get me anywhere.
In the days of drama with my former best friend, she broke up with her long-time boyfriend, and she was in the wrong- she was developing a crush on another guy and hanging out with him all the time. But when her boyfriend broke up with her, suddenly he was the love of her life. She told me she wanted him to fight to get her back, and at the time I was disgusted with her for saying that. Now, I get it. Why isn't Walrus begging me to take him back?
Hollywood movies ruin relationships for the rest of us! No second chances here, no reformed sinner.
I'm crying now and I can see myself bursting into tears while seeing him or shortly after, so it isn't small stuff to me. I don't know what he thinks of me and it's driving me crazy. I'll admit it- I want him to miss me or feel like he's made the wrong choice. At the very least I want him not to think ill of me. I always have to be morally right!
The tiny hope that we will reconcile has to be squashed. It will not get me anywhere.
In the days of drama with my former best friend, she broke up with her long-time boyfriend, and she was in the wrong- she was developing a crush on another guy and hanging out with him all the time. But when her boyfriend broke up with her, suddenly he was the love of her life. She told me she wanted him to fight to get her back, and at the time I was disgusted with her for saying that. Now, I get it. Why isn't Walrus begging me to take him back?
Hollywood movies ruin relationships for the rest of us! No second chances here, no reformed sinner.
Sunday 8 July 2012
Various Thoughts Part 2
I'm going to see Walrus on the weekend. It's a big festival I've volunteered for for years, and I made him sign up as well months ago. I was so excited to be going with him, and now it's all upside down.
Is part of me hoping we'll reconcile and get back together? Swear to be friends forever and watch a show together? Maybe.
(Why? Beats me. Why aren't I happier to be out of this thing?)
I'm so nervous about seeing him. I don't want to spend the whole festival looking for him, avoiding him, and crying.
I put him back on facebook. This morning, he posted that he needed a hug.
My friend told me my body would be going through withdrawal. I don't know if that's true. Withdrawal from being touched? Just adjusting to a new situation? She said even if you're glad to be rid of your ex, you still grieve for the feeling of being loved.
I went a long time without love, and pretended I didn't care, so now that I know what it feels like- it's become a craving. I've created a monster! I'll never want to be alone again, and date a whole string of losers!
It's really hot today, and I spent a good part of the day indoors looking at OKCupid. (Really, I need to leave the house. I get really low even after one day alone.)
OKCupid: I fell for Walrus right away after looking at his profile I looked at it several times but he wrote to me first! I did not see any one interesting this time. In fact, they all seemed like people I'd avoid. (is it just timing after a break-up?) A lot of faces I recognize from last fall when I was looking. Some were too geeky, some came across as arrogant. Men in their mid 30's look like men! I mean, they look too old for me and there's only a few years difference. They just look intimidating; there's no way they'd be interested in my lack of experience.
And men talk about sex a lot in their profiles and it makes me blush. It's part of a relationship, I know. It just wasn't part of mine. I've answered 100 or so of those personality questions and I skip the ones about sex. My personality results now show that I'm more political, less old fashioned, less kinky and less motivated by sex. Bit embarrassing. Other people have stuff about kindness and artiness and independence. I'm a political prude! (but somehow not old fashioned.)
No one's messaged me and I've had the account open for a week. It's silly that I'm upset about that! I thought I'd be 'new meat' and get a few.
It's only reinforcing my doubts about doing 'better' and is making me want my old Walrus more. No one wants me, and I don't want anyone. Not the best mind set.
(Also I'm weirded out by guys who are into yoga and eastern spirituality and personal growth. Who knew there were so many out there? And also people into polyamory, and fetishes. Yikes!)
I have to get used to the idea of looking for someone new though. It's not going to be easy.
On another note, I have to have some medical testing done next week and I have to start looking for work in a serious way.
oh help!
Is part of me hoping we'll reconcile and get back together? Swear to be friends forever and watch a show together? Maybe.
(Why? Beats me. Why aren't I happier to be out of this thing?)
I'm so nervous about seeing him. I don't want to spend the whole festival looking for him, avoiding him, and crying.
I put him back on facebook. This morning, he posted that he needed a hug.
My friend told me my body would be going through withdrawal. I don't know if that's true. Withdrawal from being touched? Just adjusting to a new situation? She said even if you're glad to be rid of your ex, you still grieve for the feeling of being loved.
I went a long time without love, and pretended I didn't care, so now that I know what it feels like- it's become a craving. I've created a monster! I'll never want to be alone again, and date a whole string of losers!
It's really hot today, and I spent a good part of the day indoors looking at OKCupid. (Really, I need to leave the house. I get really low even after one day alone.)
OKCupid: I fell for Walrus right away after looking at his profile I looked at it several times but he wrote to me first! I did not see any one interesting this time. In fact, they all seemed like people I'd avoid. (is it just timing after a break-up?) A lot of faces I recognize from last fall when I was looking. Some were too geeky, some came across as arrogant. Men in their mid 30's look like men! I mean, they look too old for me and there's only a few years difference. They just look intimidating; there's no way they'd be interested in my lack of experience.
And men talk about sex a lot in their profiles and it makes me blush. It's part of a relationship, I know. It just wasn't part of mine. I've answered 100 or so of those personality questions and I skip the ones about sex. My personality results now show that I'm more political, less old fashioned, less kinky and less motivated by sex. Bit embarrassing. Other people have stuff about kindness and artiness and independence. I'm a political prude! (but somehow not old fashioned.)
No one's messaged me and I've had the account open for a week. It's silly that I'm upset about that! I thought I'd be 'new meat' and get a few.
It's only reinforcing my doubts about doing 'better' and is making me want my old Walrus more. No one wants me, and I don't want anyone. Not the best mind set.
(Also I'm weirded out by guys who are into yoga and eastern spirituality and personal growth. Who knew there were so many out there? And also people into polyamory, and fetishes. Yikes!)
I have to get used to the idea of looking for someone new though. It's not going to be easy.
On another note, I have to have some medical testing done next week and I have to start looking for work in a serious way.
oh help!
Dwelling
Various thoughts.
My friend from the frozen north called today and we discussed the same things over again. You need to!
She said she thought Walrus was a good person when I introduced him in September, but in March she wrote him off. That was when I paid a bill for him in front of her, and very soon after he snapped at me rudely when I was annoyed he'd planned something badly.
She said something about 'textbook brain injury' so I went and looked it up.
My friend from the frozen north called today and we discussed the same things over again. You need to!
She said she thought Walrus was a good person when I introduced him in September, but in March she wrote him off. That was when I paid a bill for him in front of her, and very soon after he snapped at me rudely when I was annoyed he'd planned something badly.
She said something about 'textbook brain injury' so I went and looked it up.
- Debilitation, fatigue. YES
- Sleep dysfunction, i.e. insomnia, day and night confusion. YES
- Lack of stamina. YES
- Problems planning, organizing and initiating tasks. YES
- Difficulties with multitasking and sequencing, i.e. keeping track of two things at once. YES
- Need for structure and direction to accomplish tasks. YES
- Poor concentration, attention and memory. YES
- Problems retrieving information from memory.
- Although intelligence remains intact, there is slowness in processing information, particularly new information especially if fatigued or over stimulated.
- Problems with pacing activities. YES
- Difficulty with judgment and decision making. I think so
- Irritability YES
- Impulsivity YES
- Difficulty dealing with change.
- Inability to cue, leading to socially inappropriate behavior. (?)
- Isolating self as feeling different, and therefore treated differently YES
- Hard to “keep up” in social situations.
- Poor coping strategies which impact on interpersonal and vocational efforts. ( Maybe?)
- Vertigo (dizziness), light headed feeling.
- Tinnitus (ringing in the ears).
- Light or sound sensitivity.
- Smell and taste alterations. YES
- Visual, speech and hearing disturbances.
- Stress related disorders-depression-frustration. YES
- Emotional liability, i.e. crying for no apparent reason.
- Emotional / behavioral outbursts.
- Compulsive talkativeness.
- Balance and co-ordination problems (motor co-ordination). YES
- Personality change.
- Chronic pain, including headache.
- Inability to return to work, or, if able, at reduced capacity and with great effort. Possibly
- Family breakdown.
- Possible misdiagnosis as, for example, psychiatric illness or malingering.
Walrus has quite a few of these characteristics, as I've noted above.
I'm just trying to process all this.
I didn't really understand the extent of the brain injury, or the impact of it, for a long time and I tried to deny it. He's having trouble accepting it as well. As would anybody.
How much does that list let him off the hook for his behavior?
He's a good person, I truly believe that, and still intelligent, but he wasn't really a good boyfriend. Look at everything he has to deal with.
Other residents in his group home were really not functioning at the level he was, and it drove him crazy to be lumped in with the guy who asked for chocolate milk every 5 minutes. But let's say he lost 8-10% of his brain function. It's still a lot. Brain injuries get better, but it takes a long time, and it won't ever be the same. People with brain injuries have trouble with subtle social cues, and often struggle in relationships.
I know Walrus feels like he's lost his friends. He lost so much. I feel so bad for him! This is heartbreaking.
I want to post here what he wrote to me about how people see him but that seems like an invasion of privacy. I already blog about him secretly. It was the saddest thing ever and made me feel like I'd let him down.
I think I understand what he's going though, but then I look again and I've only scratched the surface. He knows his brain isn't working the way it was before and it's frustrating. Some of the changes I believe he can't see, and he only knows people are treating him differently. He doesn't know when he misses some of the subtler things in a conversation and then says the wrong thing, for example.
It's only when he writes that he can say how he feels. Each time, I realize he's picked up on a lot more than I thought he has, and his emotions are a lot more complicated then they seem in day-to-day dealing with him. I should have tried to get him to talk more. I think he wanted it as much as I did.
I wonder what the break-up is like for him. I'm a wreck, despite the fact that I never was crazy-in-love with him, and was thinking it wasn't working anyways. (Go figure!) And I'm not dealing with depression and all the complicated emotions that go along with his stroke, so one can only imagine his process. I don't think he was quite as in love with me as he thought he was, but I think he's not as 'free' as he thought he was going to be either.
Damaged goods. He told me he thought he was damaged goods and no one would want him. I tried to prove him wrong. But how can he be there for me, how can he make me happy, when he's depressed and struggling to find a new identity, one that includes this stroke? It seems like when you need someone the most, that's when you have to do it alone. Happy people have happy relationships.
Everyone's talking about me finding something 'better' and I am uncomfortable with that word.
Easier, maybe.
This is so sad. I am sad. I can't fix him, and I can't stay if he isn't good to me or to himself. My heart goes out to him. He's got a tough road ahead.
Saturday 7 July 2012
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is when you believe two conflicting ideas at the same time, and it makes you do crazy stuff. You make excuses and rationalize your beliefs, or you reject new evidence and commit more strongly to your old ideas. Stuff like that.
I think the whole relationship with Walrus was complicated and confusing and probably caused me some cognitive dissonance.
They say a relationship's end makes you re-evaluate where are you in life, and I guess I'm doing that. It might be harder to face than the break-up.
(By the way, I looked at cheesy on-line articles from wikihow and women's magazines about how to break up, how to get over a break-up, how to decide if you should get back together. They were surprisingly helpful, if only because it helped me realize how normal this stuff is. Also, common mistakes to avoid)
I looked around for a friend to talk to and realized everyone is in a relationship. Everyone is getting married and having kids and I'm being left behind. My younger siblings are starting families. I don't even let myself think about wanting kids. (and I'm babysitting their kids at least twice a week. It's hard NOT to think about.)
The counselor yesterday was trying to find out about my self-confidence, I think. She asked if not working was affecting how I felt about myself in other areas of my life. I would hazard a guess that it went the other way round- my social and love life affected my school and work. I mean the whole 30 years of waiting to be kissed must have had some effect on me. So weird that she didn't see that.
I often ask myself if I'm confident or not. I am shy, I am not good at taking initiative, but there is also a part of me that thinks I'm pretty awesome. They say bullies are tough on the outside, insecure on the inside. I might be the opposite. My interview this week was conducted by a young, attractive, confident woman- and it was just like high school all over again. The cool girls made me feel like a slob, but part of me still thought I have something they don't have. And I judge people constantly, often harshly, so I must have some feelings of superiority somewhere in the morass. I have an inner bully? Ack.
That aside, as far as I can tell, I'm fairly smart and I try to be a good person, so why am I getting nowhere? I got good marks in school, and work fairly hard. I see myself as someone who has what it takes to succeed and to be in a long term relationship. Life isn't matching my vision of myself though.
When I was 17, I was babysitting my baby cousin and my friends dropped by. When they saw me holding the baby, they both said, "Oh gawd that looks so natural! You look like a mom." And one friend was a guy! I was pleased. I wasn't thinking about being a mom at that point, but I liked the thought that I was seen as nurturing.
That prophecy hasn't come true for me. Nor has a relationship. I don't see myself as a world traveler or a career woman or party girl or flake or anything like that. I see myself as someone who wants to make a home, maybe with kids, maybe not, and to have an open door policy with friends and neighbors dropping by. I want to be someone you can count on for some tea and a sympathetic ear when you're sad. I want to be part of a community. I want to be half of a loving partnership.
Instead I'm unemployed, living with mom in the suburbs in a messy little house I'm ashamed to bring people to. I don't have a circle of friends, and my closest friends have moved away. I check my email constantly, and facebook and this blog, just looking for some kind of connection and meaning. The internet does not love me.
A lot of friendships have drifted away. I fought with my best friend and never speak to her. I'm not talking to dad. I never realized I'd have broken relationships like this. I guess everyone does. Even the nicest people have break-ups and divorces. It's part of life.
When I fought with ...I forget the fake name I made up for her - Elaine? When I fought with my former best friend, I said to her "I see myself as a quiet person who doesn't have conflict with people", and she said, "You're not quiet with me, and you have the power to hurt me."
How do I stop being critical and bitter? How do I find the love and joy in my heart and show it to the world? I feel like people don't like me. I have friends and acquaintances, but I don't think they really see me for who I am, and I'm not the amazing sympathetic friend I think I can be. I'm not fun. Why are some people so popular?
Some people can just be the glue that holds any group together, or the life in the room.
Am I building walls? Am I failing on purpose? Am I socially anxious and shy? How do I get to the life I want? And the person I want to be?
I think the whole relationship with Walrus was complicated and confusing and probably caused me some cognitive dissonance.
They say a relationship's end makes you re-evaluate where are you in life, and I guess I'm doing that. It might be harder to face than the break-up.
(By the way, I looked at cheesy on-line articles from wikihow and women's magazines about how to break up, how to get over a break-up, how to decide if you should get back together. They were surprisingly helpful, if only because it helped me realize how normal this stuff is. Also, common mistakes to avoid)
I looked around for a friend to talk to and realized everyone is in a relationship. Everyone is getting married and having kids and I'm being left behind. My younger siblings are starting families. I don't even let myself think about wanting kids. (and I'm babysitting their kids at least twice a week. It's hard NOT to think about.)
The counselor yesterday was trying to find out about my self-confidence, I think. She asked if not working was affecting how I felt about myself in other areas of my life. I would hazard a guess that it went the other way round- my social and love life affected my school and work. I mean the whole 30 years of waiting to be kissed must have had some effect on me. So weird that she didn't see that.
I often ask myself if I'm confident or not. I am shy, I am not good at taking initiative, but there is also a part of me that thinks I'm pretty awesome. They say bullies are tough on the outside, insecure on the inside. I might be the opposite. My interview this week was conducted by a young, attractive, confident woman- and it was just like high school all over again. The cool girls made me feel like a slob, but part of me still thought I have something they don't have. And I judge people constantly, often harshly, so I must have some feelings of superiority somewhere in the morass. I have an inner bully? Ack.
That aside, as far as I can tell, I'm fairly smart and I try to be a good person, so why am I getting nowhere? I got good marks in school, and work fairly hard. I see myself as someone who has what it takes to succeed and to be in a long term relationship. Life isn't matching my vision of myself though.
When I was 17, I was babysitting my baby cousin and my friends dropped by. When they saw me holding the baby, they both said, "Oh gawd that looks so natural! You look like a mom." And one friend was a guy! I was pleased. I wasn't thinking about being a mom at that point, but I liked the thought that I was seen as nurturing.
That prophecy hasn't come true for me. Nor has a relationship. I don't see myself as a world traveler or a career woman or party girl or flake or anything like that. I see myself as someone who wants to make a home, maybe with kids, maybe not, and to have an open door policy with friends and neighbors dropping by. I want to be someone you can count on for some tea and a sympathetic ear when you're sad. I want to be part of a community. I want to be half of a loving partnership.
Instead I'm unemployed, living with mom in the suburbs in a messy little house I'm ashamed to bring people to. I don't have a circle of friends, and my closest friends have moved away. I check my email constantly, and facebook and this blog, just looking for some kind of connection and meaning. The internet does not love me.
A lot of friendships have drifted away. I fought with my best friend and never speak to her. I'm not talking to dad. I never realized I'd have broken relationships like this. I guess everyone does. Even the nicest people have break-ups and divorces. It's part of life.
When I fought with ...I forget the fake name I made up for her - Elaine? When I fought with my former best friend, I said to her "I see myself as a quiet person who doesn't have conflict with people", and she said, "You're not quiet with me, and you have the power to hurt me."
How do I stop being critical and bitter? How do I find the love and joy in my heart and show it to the world? I feel like people don't like me. I have friends and acquaintances, but I don't think they really see me for who I am, and I'm not the amazing sympathetic friend I think I can be. I'm not fun. Why are some people so popular?
Some people can just be the glue that holds any group together, or the life in the room.
Am I building walls? Am I failing on purpose? Am I socially anxious and shy? How do I get to the life I want? And the person I want to be?
Whimper
At this moment I would take him back. Maybe's it's a bruised ego, maybe it's guilt. I just want the hurting to stop.
I thought our emailing would get us talking but he hasn't answered my last email.
I refriended (what a word!) him on Facebook and he accepted.
I feel like I failed him somehow.
Everyone's telling me he was lucky to have me. He screwed up; he wasn't ready. I can do better.
I feel stuck, in every area of my life.
But if this is how I feel, imagine what he's going through.
I thought our emailing would get us talking but he hasn't answered my last email.
I refriended (what a word!) him on Facebook and he accepted.
I feel like I failed him somehow.
Everyone's telling me he was lucky to have me. He screwed up; he wasn't ready. I can do better.
I feel stuck, in every area of my life.
But if this is how I feel, imagine what he's going through.
Friday 6 July 2012
Healing
A week of trying to schedule things to do. Saw some friends, some I rehashed events with in full detail, some I told only a short summary. Still a lot of crying randomly.
Did an interview for an unpaid internship and didn't get it. Was offered a chance to still volunteer in a lesser capacity, and said yes to that, but it doesn't start until August. Competing for unpaid work! Sigh.
Every time I told someone it got a little easier. And no one thought I was over-reacting about the party incident; everybody thought that was pretty crummy.
But I was still really hurt. I'm the kinda person who has to pop that pimple, even if it would heal better left on its own. I emailed Walrus and asked practical questions about choir, and then asked if I could ask him some questions, since I was too 'overwhelmed' to say my piece when we had the talk. He said go ahead.
I wrote a big long email, then was afraid to send it. But then it was driving me crazy. I asked him if he would read a long letter. He said he'd read anything I sent, no matter how long. So I hit send.
I tried not to accuse him of anything or harangue him. I explained why I was hurting and what I was wondering about. I did mention the OKCupid profile though. At the end I wrote some nice things about him, and some of my favourite memories of our time together. It was cheesy, but I wanted to say it.
He wrote back that same night, and he was very gentle. He wrote this heartbreaking thing about getting treated like he was stupid by family and friends, and that he hoped that I spent enough time with him to see he was still him. It hurt twice as much when I was frustrated with him. It wasn't even anything I said, but a frustration I was trying to hide. He wanted comfort and kind words from me and I would frown and give the thumbs down to his suggestions.
It makes me so sad. I didn't want to hurt him. But there was a brain injury and sometimes it was frustrating and he can't see his own limitations there.
And, would he rather I was frustrated with his brain injury or with his own character flaws? I thought he could do better than he was doing. He's so sensitive about being thought a 'feeb' but that usually wasn't what I was mad about.
Anyways, it still makes me sad. I wish I could have been that perfect a girlfriend.
He said he was ashamed that he hurt me so badly when he said he felt freer without me. He said I was very supportive and he appreciated me. That was all I needed to hear. I think I won't cry so much anymore.
So, today I went to see a counselor I used to see a few years ago. She wasn't all that helpful, although she was very nice. It took most of the time to explain what I'd been doing for three years and what the relationship was like and the whole drama of the breakup. She asked me if i was ready to get a new boyfriend who would be be better suited to me, and how I felt about looking for a new boyfriend. I am not quite ready to think about that. It's only been a week.
I said something about I should have got a 'starter boyfriend' without so many issues and she said it kind of was a starter relationship because our situations kept us from really being together. She said it was more like a friendship with a romantic twist.
I didn't even tell her about the problems with sex. (which is one of the major things I'm upset about)
For me it was really important that this was my first relationship and I felt like she minimized that. She said 30 is still young. Not for a first kiss!
I tried to explain about the guilt of dating a guy with a stroke for your first relationship- no one else would want him, no one else would want me...that made me cry.
I wasn't ready to say I was ready to move on or to look for something better, because part of me wants to respect Walrus. I don't want to say he wasn't good enough.
She said he probably isn't ready to be a boyfriend right now, and I had to agree. I believe conflicting things at the same time, apparently.
Anyways,I don't know if I got any insights from visiting her that I haven't already got from talking to friends or figured out on my own.
She did ask if I was doing everything I could to get a job, and I said no.
She said she didn't know what to focus on to help me, and I said I didn't know either.
She asked if I wanted to make another appt and I said no, I'd wait to see how I was doing.
Did an interview for an unpaid internship and didn't get it. Was offered a chance to still volunteer in a lesser capacity, and said yes to that, but it doesn't start until August. Competing for unpaid work! Sigh.
Every time I told someone it got a little easier. And no one thought I was over-reacting about the party incident; everybody thought that was pretty crummy.
But I was still really hurt. I'm the kinda person who has to pop that pimple, even if it would heal better left on its own. I emailed Walrus and asked practical questions about choir, and then asked if I could ask him some questions, since I was too 'overwhelmed' to say my piece when we had the talk. He said go ahead.
I wrote a big long email, then was afraid to send it. But then it was driving me crazy. I asked him if he would read a long letter. He said he'd read anything I sent, no matter how long. So I hit send.
I tried not to accuse him of anything or harangue him. I explained why I was hurting and what I was wondering about. I did mention the OKCupid profile though. At the end I wrote some nice things about him, and some of my favourite memories of our time together. It was cheesy, but I wanted to say it.
He wrote back that same night, and he was very gentle. He wrote this heartbreaking thing about getting treated like he was stupid by family and friends, and that he hoped that I spent enough time with him to see he was still him. It hurt twice as much when I was frustrated with him. It wasn't even anything I said, but a frustration I was trying to hide. He wanted comfort and kind words from me and I would frown and give the thumbs down to his suggestions.
It makes me so sad. I didn't want to hurt him. But there was a brain injury and sometimes it was frustrating and he can't see his own limitations there.
And, would he rather I was frustrated with his brain injury or with his own character flaws? I thought he could do better than he was doing. He's so sensitive about being thought a 'feeb' but that usually wasn't what I was mad about.
Anyways, it still makes me sad. I wish I could have been that perfect a girlfriend.
He said he was ashamed that he hurt me so badly when he said he felt freer without me. He said I was very supportive and he appreciated me. That was all I needed to hear. I think I won't cry so much anymore.
So, today I went to see a counselor I used to see a few years ago. She wasn't all that helpful, although she was very nice. It took most of the time to explain what I'd been doing for three years and what the relationship was like and the whole drama of the breakup. She asked me if i was ready to get a new boyfriend who would be be better suited to me, and how I felt about looking for a new boyfriend. I am not quite ready to think about that. It's only been a week.
I said something about I should have got a 'starter boyfriend' without so many issues and she said it kind of was a starter relationship because our situations kept us from really being together. She said it was more like a friendship with a romantic twist.
I didn't even tell her about the problems with sex. (which is one of the major things I'm upset about)
For me it was really important that this was my first relationship and I felt like she minimized that. She said 30 is still young. Not for a first kiss!
I tried to explain about the guilt of dating a guy with a stroke for your first relationship- no one else would want him, no one else would want me...that made me cry.
I wasn't ready to say I was ready to move on or to look for something better, because part of me wants to respect Walrus. I don't want to say he wasn't good enough.
She said he probably isn't ready to be a boyfriend right now, and I had to agree. I believe conflicting things at the same time, apparently.
Anyways,I don't know if I got any insights from visiting her that I haven't already got from talking to friends or figured out on my own.
She did ask if I was doing everything I could to get a job, and I said no.
She said she didn't know what to focus on to help me, and I said I didn't know either.
She asked if I wanted to make another appt and I said no, I'd wait to see how I was doing.
Sunday 1 July 2012
How does it hurt?
It hurts so much. I think I can see the other side of it, so I guess it's not too bad, as break-ups go.
I need to remember mine is not the first or only break up in the world.
A list.
1. I tried so hard (to love, to help) , and I failed.
2. I was loved, and now I'm not.
3. He loved more than I did. (guilt)
4. But he didn't try to find out who I was. There was no late night conversations exploring each others' opinions and interests and dreams. He loved me at face value, perhaps? Did he imagine himself in love because he needed to be?
5. I don't know if he ever tried to please me (in any substantial way). Is that good or bad? His view on love is that you shouldn't have to.
6. Why was I not touched more? Was I undesirable? This stings deeply.
7. When did he start looking at online dating sites? How long was he unhappy?
8. I made him feel bad about himself in the relationship. Not just drinking, but about who he was as a person.
9. His sneakiness. My dad is sneaky and it makes me freak out.
10. He told me he'd stay with me even if I could never have sex. That's what love is, he said. In return, I decided I wasn't going to give up on him, no matter what. I threw myself into this. He slipped away and I tried harder. It's over and it's probably for the best but I still hate to give up on him.
11. Still worried about his recovery. How long until he gets lonely again?
12. What happens now, for both of us?
I need to remember mine is not the first or only break up in the world.
A list.
1. I tried so hard (to love, to help) , and I failed.
2. I was loved, and now I'm not.
3. He loved more than I did. (guilt)
4. But he didn't try to find out who I was. There was no late night conversations exploring each others' opinions and interests and dreams. He loved me at face value, perhaps? Did he imagine himself in love because he needed to be?
5. I don't know if he ever tried to please me (in any substantial way). Is that good or bad? His view on love is that you shouldn't have to.
6. Why was I not touched more? Was I undesirable? This stings deeply.
7. When did he start looking at online dating sites? How long was he unhappy?
8. I made him feel bad about himself in the relationship. Not just drinking, but about who he was as a person.
9. His sneakiness. My dad is sneaky and it makes me freak out.
10. He told me he'd stay with me even if I could never have sex. That's what love is, he said. In return, I decided I wasn't going to give up on him, no matter what. I threw myself into this. He slipped away and I tried harder. It's over and it's probably for the best but I still hate to give up on him.
11. Still worried about his recovery. How long until he gets lonely again?
12. What happens now, for both of us?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)