I haven't figured out what I feel about a life with Nerdboy. We bought a dresser yesterday and even that revealed our different values and aesthetics. (I don't like cheap IKEA furniture made of particleboard; I wanted to look for a solid wood 1940's dresser in the secondhand shops. We bought a mostly-solid wood dresser with a scratch from the As Is section of the IKEA for a discount. He did let me look for a used dresser but I wasn't getting results fast enough and my clothes are in bins all around his apartment.)
I had a long talk with my sister about feeling lonely in my environmental beliefs. She married a man who resents recycling and will throw stuff out if it doesn't leave the house soon enough, even pop bottles which are worth a nickel! And she's trained him a bit, but he does it for her, not because he really gets it. And I've given her a hard time about it before, and then look who I end up with! Nerdboy is really trying to recycle, he's too enthusiastic -he's recycling things that aren't recyclable and I have to re-sort it.
(And sorry folks, recycling isn't going to save the world. It's a good habit but much bigger change is needed. It's just used here as an example of a behavior we view differently)
Back to the conversation with my sister- she still loves her husband (I'm not too impressed with him) and they make the relationship work. Imagine how he'd live if he hadn't met her!
And then my sister and I talked about my father. He probably did cheat on my mother, more than once.
I'm not talking to him and I don't know what to do.
For the moment I am happy in my relationship with Nerdboy. I am excited to move in with him. I get silly-happy when we get groceries together or do laundry. I think we'll be ok.
**this post was written over several days, hence the change in tone re: Nerdboy.
I'm looking at a studio space tomorrow. I really want it but not sure I can afford the added expense. My sister said, go for it and push yourself to make it happen. It looks like I'll have three small teaching gigs in the new year, a few hours a day, six days a week. It's a dumb way to make money. Really stressed about getting my income levels up, and hoping I can bring in money with freelance art work.
Thursday 19 December 2013
Tuesday 10 December 2013
undercurrents
I'm practically living with Nerdboy and will officially be moving in at Christmas.
So why do I fantasize about breaking up with him?
I'm an environmentalist. And before I met him, I was planning how I'd live my voluntary simple life and had a big crush on a geeky activist.
Nerdboy is in the room with me right now, he's working on a project.
He's learning how to recycle. I can't expect much more of a transformation than that.
I really want a blog, a book, something, about environmentalists struggling to have relationships with their friends and family who don't share their values. Because I think humanity's facing a crisis and everywhere I look people are just shopping, shopping, shopping. And I get upset but it's rude to tell people how to live their life so I just silently give them the finger, hidden in my jacket pocket...
Right.
shit. shit. shit.
So why do I fantasize about breaking up with him?
I'm an environmentalist. And before I met him, I was planning how I'd live my voluntary simple life and had a big crush on a geeky activist.
Nerdboy is in the room with me right now, he's working on a project.
He's learning how to recycle. I can't expect much more of a transformation than that.
I really want a blog, a book, something, about environmentalists struggling to have relationships with their friends and family who don't share their values. Because I think humanity's facing a crisis and everywhere I look people are just shopping, shopping, shopping. And I get upset but it's rude to tell people how to live their life so I just silently give them the finger, hidden in my jacket pocket...
Right.
shit. shit. shit.
Friday 6 December 2013
Small updates
1. Did not get the job I wanted. A women who did the same school program as me, and worked with me this summer got it. Sigh.
2. Am going back to teaching (one day a week) at the same place I started at, ten years ago. It looks like I'm going to have several teaching gigs and with that trickle of income, (and living cheaply with my guy), I'm going to try and see how much money I can make as an artist. So much for the career change. But my art skills are rarer than my admin skills. Too paid artists are often underpaid.
3. Another interview for a part time childcare position next week
4. Roommates were not upset that I wanted to move out. Bit tough to find someone during the holidays, but I said I'd stay until Jan 15 if necessary. I was so anxious about being the bad roommate.
5. Saw a gynecologist, the appt was booked in September when I told the doctor I had pain during sex. Since then, the problem has almost resolved itself, but the gyno talked to me about my sex life (Could I get aroused? Did I have desire? Was I satisfied?) and then during the exam she touched a Q-tip to different spots of the vulva and found where it was sensitive. Right around the 'vestibule' of the vagina contracts very easily, is probably almost always a little tight. She said 'vaginismus' was an old-fashioned word and that it was called vulvodynia. My options are a free support group that meets for 12 sessions and includes 5 sessions of physio, or private physio if my insurance will cover it. Or estrogen treatments applied as a topical cream but I didn't think that was for me (being on birth control pills for a long time can cause dryness and lowered interest in sex.) I haven't made my decision yet.
6. My sister told me I worry too much. Nerdboy told me I worry too much.
2. Am going back to teaching (one day a week) at the same place I started at, ten years ago. It looks like I'm going to have several teaching gigs and with that trickle of income, (and living cheaply with my guy), I'm going to try and see how much money I can make as an artist. So much for the career change. But my art skills are rarer than my admin skills. Too paid artists are often underpaid.
3. Another interview for a part time childcare position next week
4. Roommates were not upset that I wanted to move out. Bit tough to find someone during the holidays, but I said I'd stay until Jan 15 if necessary. I was so anxious about being the bad roommate.
5. Saw a gynecologist, the appt was booked in September when I told the doctor I had pain during sex. Since then, the problem has almost resolved itself, but the gyno talked to me about my sex life (Could I get aroused? Did I have desire? Was I satisfied?) and then during the exam she touched a Q-tip to different spots of the vulva and found where it was sensitive. Right around the 'vestibule' of the vagina contracts very easily, is probably almost always a little tight. She said 'vaginismus' was an old-fashioned word and that it was called vulvodynia. My options are a free support group that meets for 12 sessions and includes 5 sessions of physio, or private physio if my insurance will cover it. Or estrogen treatments applied as a topical cream but I didn't think that was for me (being on birth control pills for a long time can cause dryness and lowered interest in sex.) I haven't made my decision yet.
6. My sister told me I worry too much. Nerdboy told me I worry too much.
Monday 2 December 2013
Waffling and Stressing
So much has been happening lately. The last post I wrote was full of doubts...that same night Nerdboy decided to open up and said lovely things, including that he felt he'd become too jaded and that I inspired him to be more responsible. So I was all twitterpated once again.
Then there was the sex shop. I was offered the job, I had another interview scheduled, I told the sex shop I'd get back to them, I didn't get the other job, the sex shop seemed surprised to hear from me and then they hired someone else. So I screwed that up, but am somewhat relieved.
I've had two other interviews recently and expect to hear soon. One is going back to teaching at the very first place I taught at, ten years ago. Sigh, all my work experience and going back to school, and I'll be back where I started, and not even a pay raise.
My grandmother has been put in palliative care, so that's weighing on me.
And then there's the big decision. Nerdboy and I have been talking about finding a two bedroom apartment in the spring, but after doing a tour of some artists' studios, I suggested I could move in to his tiny apartment and use the savings to get a studio. I think I'd sell my soul for a studio space...I didn't think he'd go for it, but he excitedly leapt out of bed and started planning how to rearrange the furniture to accommodate my stuff.
And then I had some doubts but didn't tell him, didn't tell my roommates, just endlessly discussed it with any friends who would listen. And then it was the end of the month, and I hadn't given notice, and Nerdboy told me to write a note and date it, or I'd lose my damage deposit for not giving a full month's notice. And I had a 45 minute panic attack and Nerdboy tried to convince me to write the thing. The roommates weren't home, I felt a note was crummy, I kinda wanted more time to discuss budget and practical stuff with Nerdboy.... I just hate making decisions against a deadline when I want more information. But I wrote the note and went back to Nerdboy's house for the night. The next day I kept thinking about the roommates finding the note and how they'd react and I was so stressed I felt sick. Then Nerdboy revealed he was really hurt that I wasn't more excited, and that the issue of informing the roommates seemed to be hiding my real concerns. And he said I waffle too much and I sabotaged the sex shop job by doing that, and I feel obligated to everyone I ever deal with, and worry about what they think instead of just doing what I want. So then we had to talk about that, and it was resolved. I went back to my place and I know the roommates have seen the note but one stayed out late so I haven't had a conversation with them yet. Ack!
Then there was the sex shop. I was offered the job, I had another interview scheduled, I told the sex shop I'd get back to them, I didn't get the other job, the sex shop seemed surprised to hear from me and then they hired someone else. So I screwed that up, but am somewhat relieved.
I've had two other interviews recently and expect to hear soon. One is going back to teaching at the very first place I taught at, ten years ago. Sigh, all my work experience and going back to school, and I'll be back where I started, and not even a pay raise.
My grandmother has been put in palliative care, so that's weighing on me.
And then there's the big decision. Nerdboy and I have been talking about finding a two bedroom apartment in the spring, but after doing a tour of some artists' studios, I suggested I could move in to his tiny apartment and use the savings to get a studio. I think I'd sell my soul for a studio space...I didn't think he'd go for it, but he excitedly leapt out of bed and started planning how to rearrange the furniture to accommodate my stuff.
And then I had some doubts but didn't tell him, didn't tell my roommates, just endlessly discussed it with any friends who would listen. And then it was the end of the month, and I hadn't given notice, and Nerdboy told me to write a note and date it, or I'd lose my damage deposit for not giving a full month's notice. And I had a 45 minute panic attack and Nerdboy tried to convince me to write the thing. The roommates weren't home, I felt a note was crummy, I kinda wanted more time to discuss budget and practical stuff with Nerdboy.... I just hate making decisions against a deadline when I want more information. But I wrote the note and went back to Nerdboy's house for the night. The next day I kept thinking about the roommates finding the note and how they'd react and I was so stressed I felt sick. Then Nerdboy revealed he was really hurt that I wasn't more excited, and that the issue of informing the roommates seemed to be hiding my real concerns. And he said I waffle too much and I sabotaged the sex shop job by doing that, and I feel obligated to everyone I ever deal with, and worry about what they think instead of just doing what I want. So then we had to talk about that, and it was resolved. I went back to my place and I know the roommates have seen the note but one stayed out late so I haven't had a conversation with them yet. Ack!
Tuesday 19 November 2013
Flawed human beings that we are
"I know that you could be neither happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband; unless you looked up to him as a superior. Your lively talents would place you in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage." Mr. Bennett to his daughter Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice
There was one day last week when I felt I wasn't in love with Nerdboy. I was in such a mood that day. My students misbehaved. People on the bus were rude. People continue to drive SUVs even though they're using up precious fossil fuels. Everything pissed me off and I was convinced the human race did not deserve to continue. Everything Nerdboy did was wrong too.
I just wanted him to talk to me. Long deep conversations.
I don't want to talk about pop/geek culture all the time. We watch a lot of TV together and I'm getting bored of it.
I know a romantic partner can't meet all your needs. But an intellectual he's not.
And I think everyone should be working to make the world a better place in their own small way. Some people have to work on themselves first before they can do that. But for me, if you're not volunteering your time for something, you're a waste of space.
My boyfriend has his share of self-indulgences: video games, porn, food.
We all have something, I suppose. It's not like I give my every penny to charity either.
Maybe my list of 'What I Want in a Parner' got a little too idealistic.
Nerdboy is a giving and loving partner. And he had a tough year, and he does have intentions to volunteer more.
I don't know. I don't have to decide 'forever' now. It hasn't even been four months since we met. Maybe it's a phase the relationship has to go through- the sparkle has worn off, there's the beginning of a routine, but we don't yet have deep bonds, don't know each other inside and out....
So he isn't Mr. Darcy.
But, maybe I do need someone I look up to.
There was one day last week when I felt I wasn't in love with Nerdboy. I was in such a mood that day. My students misbehaved. People on the bus were rude. People continue to drive SUVs even though they're using up precious fossil fuels. Everything pissed me off and I was convinced the human race did not deserve to continue. Everything Nerdboy did was wrong too.
I just wanted him to talk to me. Long deep conversations.
I don't want to talk about pop/geek culture all the time. We watch a lot of TV together and I'm getting bored of it.
I know a romantic partner can't meet all your needs. But an intellectual he's not.
And I think everyone should be working to make the world a better place in their own small way. Some people have to work on themselves first before they can do that. But for me, if you're not volunteering your time for something, you're a waste of space.
My boyfriend has his share of self-indulgences: video games, porn, food.
We all have something, I suppose. It's not like I give my every penny to charity either.
Maybe my list of 'What I Want in a Parner' got a little too idealistic.
Nerdboy is a giving and loving partner. And he had a tough year, and he does have intentions to volunteer more.
I don't know. I don't have to decide 'forever' now. It hasn't even been four months since we met. Maybe it's a phase the relationship has to go through- the sparkle has worn off, there's the beginning of a routine, but we don't yet have deep bonds, don't know each other inside and out....
So he isn't Mr. Darcy.
But, maybe I do need someone I look up to.
Thursday 14 November 2013
Pigs Are Flying!
Ha, universe. You have a weird sense of humour.
I was offered the job in the sex toy shop.
I haven't accepted yet, as I have another interview coming up that's more my line, working with kids again.
Who knows? But I think about the possibility of me, the former 30 year old virgin, selling dildos and I just don't know what's real anymore.
I have to make this blog post short before bed.
I really want to get a job settled, and soon. I have so much anxiety about this.
And I keep dreaming about starting my own business.
I sleep at Nerdboy's house 6 nights out of 7. I never see my roommates and all my food in the fridge at my place has gone off. Nerdboy and I are talking about moving in together by February. (Aaaaaaah! That is somewhat freaking me out)
I got snapped at again, this time for asking if he wanted some French toast for breakfast. "You check in with me too much. It seems like you can't make decisions." Ok, that was really out of line and it's time to just snap back at him rather than getting really hurt and staying silent.
Nerdboy had a vasectomy last week. I got to be the good girlfriend and fetch things for him and I actually got to cook some of our meals. We just spent the whole weekend on the couch watching 'Castle' while he recovered. He isn't allowed to have sex (with me or by himself) until he goes to the follow up with the doctor. It's been driving him nuts. (Bad pun.) We're both got some nervous energy and things are just a little off between us, not quarrels but just a little distant. I didn't realize how much sex connects us. Only a few more days of celibacy....
Mostly things are good. He's a great boyfriend except for these occasional moments of snarkiness. I get sentimental when we buy groceries together, or read in bed next to each other, or he texts me some bad joke. I have a partner. It's really weird and nice. I just worry I'll want more from him, down the line. He's not a great intellectual, or noble idealist, or a creative genius or any of the things I dreamt of. We drive each other crazy. I think that's part of love though.
I was offered the job in the sex toy shop.
I haven't accepted yet, as I have another interview coming up that's more my line, working with kids again.
Who knows? But I think about the possibility of me, the former 30 year old virgin, selling dildos and I just don't know what's real anymore.
I have to make this blog post short before bed.
I really want to get a job settled, and soon. I have so much anxiety about this.
And I keep dreaming about starting my own business.
I sleep at Nerdboy's house 6 nights out of 7. I never see my roommates and all my food in the fridge at my place has gone off. Nerdboy and I are talking about moving in together by February. (Aaaaaaah! That is somewhat freaking me out)
I got snapped at again, this time for asking if he wanted some French toast for breakfast. "You check in with me too much. It seems like you can't make decisions." Ok, that was really out of line and it's time to just snap back at him rather than getting really hurt and staying silent.
Nerdboy had a vasectomy last week. I got to be the good girlfriend and fetch things for him and I actually got to cook some of our meals. We just spent the whole weekend on the couch watching 'Castle' while he recovered. He isn't allowed to have sex (with me or by himself) until he goes to the follow up with the doctor. It's been driving him nuts. (Bad pun.) We're both got some nervous energy and things are just a little off between us, not quarrels but just a little distant. I didn't realize how much sex connects us. Only a few more days of celibacy....
Mostly things are good. He's a great boyfriend except for these occasional moments of snarkiness. I get sentimental when we buy groceries together, or read in bed next to each other, or he texts me some bad joke. I have a partner. It's really weird and nice. I just worry I'll want more from him, down the line. He's not a great intellectual, or noble idealist, or a creative genius or any of the things I dreamt of. We drive each other crazy. I think that's part of love though.
Monday 4 November 2013
Lots O' Thoughts!
Ok, where do I start?
So, I got through the phone interview for the sex toy shop. It was mostly about practical stuff (I don't live close to the store) although the person interviewing me did ask me if I was comfortable using slang. I said, 'Sure, although I keep hearing new slang terms I don't know, haha.' (Understatement. I didn't know what jizz meant until very recently.) She said, "Yeah, it's just that some people tend to prefer the medical terms but you also have to be able to say 'pussy'." And because I've done so much teaching, she wondered if I could give sex toy demos at parties (like a Tupperware party). I stayed cool on the phone but just felt like a total phony.
Saturday, she phoned back and asked if I could come in for an interview. Even though I was free that day, I asked to come in Sunday, after I was done work teaching a kids' art class. Saturday night, Nerdboy and I went through their website and I read the descriptions out loud, then we looked at some Oh Joy Sex Toy comics. And then we had sex.
Sunday morning I was ready to cancel. There was no way I could tell my mother that I worked there, and reading the sex toy descriptions out loud gave me a small panic attack... On top of that, I had slept at Nerdboy's house seven nights in a row and even though I'd run home now and then, I hadn't any decent clean clothes left and I was dressed for teaching art. Nerdboy said, 'Don't do it if you don't want to do it.'
Part of me wanted to skip the whole thing, part of me wanted to not chicken out.
So on the way to teaching, I stopped at the mall and bought a nice blouse on sale. And then I had to do the interview, because I don't have any money for random blouse purchases.
The interview went surprisingly well. The woman was friendly and down to earth. The shop was busy for a Sunday evening so the interview got interrupted a few times, but mostly she just asked about practical stuff again. She asked the slang question again and I said I thought you had to read the customer and guess if they would prefer slang or formal language. As we got more comfortable in the conversation she did ask what I thought my challenges would be and I said honestly that there was going to be things that make me blush and she told me her story. She said the first time she came into the shop as a customer, she was so shy she didn't even want the saleswoman to talk to her. And when she started working part-time there, she did blush a lot, but then a few years later she asked to work there full time and now she's been there seven years and teaches sex workshops. She said everyone's on a curve, or a journey with their own sexuality and she likes to help the customers who remind her of herself starting out...."Sex should be fun, and funny, and the sex toy industry is unregulated so I feel good about teaching people how to look for safe quality products" (abridged quote of some of the things she said.)
I felt so much better about the possibility of working there, and even about my own journey after that. And when I left the store, Nerdboy's car was parked outside. He wanted to take me to dinner to reward me for going through with it but I wanted to go home so he made me some really great soup. He's alright, that boyfriend of mine.
~~~~~~~~
He's also difficult. He told me something about his mental health and I just said 'oh' and we probably need to talk about that eventually but I don't know how to bring it up. And sometimes he still gets snippy and I get very quiet and hurt and haven't said anything. I've been snapped at for trying to talk to him when the faucet is running and he can't hear me. For jokingly saying I took too many potato chips on my plate and he'd have to help me eat them.
When I applied for the sex store job he suggested me practicing saying dirty words and I said something like, 'only if we have sex after'. Which I intended to be sexy, but came out wrong. We were in his car, and he said something like, 'Telling me you expect sex tonight is a surefire way to make me anxious and ruin my performance.'
Because, he's been having some difficulty with his equipment, you see. I don't know what to do when that happens. He gets frustrated, we cuddle instead. Sometimes he gets a second wind and it's all systems go again.
He sounded very annoyed when he said it, and even though I should have been sympathetic to his problem, I was taken by surprise and got confused and defensive. I can't remember what all was said. He's texted me some fairly blunt 'let's have sex tonight' stuff so I didn't think it was fair. And I said, 'Am I supposed to passively wait for it?' And he said something about him doing all the initiating, and I said, "I want to but I don't feel ready and you told me sometimes your drive disappears and I don't understand, so I'm scared to try" He said angrily, 'Don't put it all on me.'
I was so frustrated and bewildered. Aaaaagh! I'm pretty interested in sex right now and I'm trying not to be a sex maniac, but I'm always kinda hoping tonight will be a sexy times night. I don't want sex every day, but I like the possibility of it so I'm always watching him trying to read the signs of when to expect it and when to not. I've told him that I'm pretty much up for it any time, which he thought was great, but I guess he's feeling some pressure to perform, or to take the lead, or to be always teaching me what to do....
He tried to explain what was sexy and what wasn't. It seemed like I was allowed to touch him in the moment, like if we were cuddling on the couch, which isn't exactly rocket science. But there must be a way to suggest sex later in the day that doesn't make him anxious. And he's done it to me, so he doesn't have to grump at me when I try to copy that. I've only been doing the sex thing for 3 months, give me a break!
He doesn't understand how much of an identity crisis this is. This is all new to me.
I think that was our first fight and it was about sex, which made me sad. The conversation ended in a ridiculous exchange:
'I don't understand the rules here.'
"I don't understand what there is to not understand'
Muttered under my breath: "But you're allowed to tell me you want sex tonight and I'm not."
A few days later I brought it up and he didn't remember the conversation. Frustrating man! Sometimes he comes up with rules when he's grumpy and then completely forgets about them later. He ate my extra potato chips off my plate fifteen minutes after saying he wasn't my "food dumping ground" (the incident mentioned above.)
~~~~~~~~~~~
On Halloween we wore our handmade costumes and they were amazing and we were completely anonymous so we walked around town and peeked into open doors and hammed it up in front of restaurant windows. We were pretty pleased with ourselves and he said, "I think we should just get married now, before we lose the magic. You make me happy and even though there are some things that are frustrating about you, I want you in my life."
What things are frustrating about me? I keep thinking about the ways I piss him off. I'm probably better off not knowing. He frustrates the heck out of me but I tend not to tell him.
I don't know what a relationship is supposed to be like. I don't know if I have the skills for a long term relationship- aren't you supposed to learn about yourself from previous ones before you're ready?
It seems like this has gone incredibly serious incredibly fast. Even he will sometimes say, 'This whole thing is crazy' even though he's the one who's upping the intensity.
We'll probably live together by the new year at this rate.
So so so much newness and upheaval.
And I still need a job, and beyond that, a career plan.
So, I got through the phone interview for the sex toy shop. It was mostly about practical stuff (I don't live close to the store) although the person interviewing me did ask me if I was comfortable using slang. I said, 'Sure, although I keep hearing new slang terms I don't know, haha.' (Understatement. I didn't know what jizz meant until very recently.) She said, "Yeah, it's just that some people tend to prefer the medical terms but you also have to be able to say 'pussy'." And because I've done so much teaching, she wondered if I could give sex toy demos at parties (like a Tupperware party). I stayed cool on the phone but just felt like a total phony.
Saturday, she phoned back and asked if I could come in for an interview. Even though I was free that day, I asked to come in Sunday, after I was done work teaching a kids' art class. Saturday night, Nerdboy and I went through their website and I read the descriptions out loud, then we looked at some Oh Joy Sex Toy comics. And then we had sex.
Sunday morning I was ready to cancel. There was no way I could tell my mother that I worked there, and reading the sex toy descriptions out loud gave me a small panic attack... On top of that, I had slept at Nerdboy's house seven nights in a row and even though I'd run home now and then, I hadn't any decent clean clothes left and I was dressed for teaching art. Nerdboy said, 'Don't do it if you don't want to do it.'
Part of me wanted to skip the whole thing, part of me wanted to not chicken out.
So on the way to teaching, I stopped at the mall and bought a nice blouse on sale. And then I had to do the interview, because I don't have any money for random blouse purchases.
The interview went surprisingly well. The woman was friendly and down to earth. The shop was busy for a Sunday evening so the interview got interrupted a few times, but mostly she just asked about practical stuff again. She asked the slang question again and I said I thought you had to read the customer and guess if they would prefer slang or formal language. As we got more comfortable in the conversation she did ask what I thought my challenges would be and I said honestly that there was going to be things that make me blush and she told me her story. She said the first time she came into the shop as a customer, she was so shy she didn't even want the saleswoman to talk to her. And when she started working part-time there, she did blush a lot, but then a few years later she asked to work there full time and now she's been there seven years and teaches sex workshops. She said everyone's on a curve, or a journey with their own sexuality and she likes to help the customers who remind her of herself starting out...."Sex should be fun, and funny, and the sex toy industry is unregulated so I feel good about teaching people how to look for safe quality products" (abridged quote of some of the things she said.)
I felt so much better about the possibility of working there, and even about my own journey after that. And when I left the store, Nerdboy's car was parked outside. He wanted to take me to dinner to reward me for going through with it but I wanted to go home so he made me some really great soup. He's alright, that boyfriend of mine.
~~~~~~~~
He's also difficult. He told me something about his mental health and I just said 'oh' and we probably need to talk about that eventually but I don't know how to bring it up. And sometimes he still gets snippy and I get very quiet and hurt and haven't said anything. I've been snapped at for trying to talk to him when the faucet is running and he can't hear me. For jokingly saying I took too many potato chips on my plate and he'd have to help me eat them.
When I applied for the sex store job he suggested me practicing saying dirty words and I said something like, 'only if we have sex after'. Which I intended to be sexy, but came out wrong. We were in his car, and he said something like, 'Telling me you expect sex tonight is a surefire way to make me anxious and ruin my performance.'
Because, he's been having some difficulty with his equipment, you see. I don't know what to do when that happens. He gets frustrated, we cuddle instead. Sometimes he gets a second wind and it's all systems go again.
He sounded very annoyed when he said it, and even though I should have been sympathetic to his problem, I was taken by surprise and got confused and defensive. I can't remember what all was said. He's texted me some fairly blunt 'let's have sex tonight' stuff so I didn't think it was fair. And I said, 'Am I supposed to passively wait for it?' And he said something about him doing all the initiating, and I said, "I want to but I don't feel ready and you told me sometimes your drive disappears and I don't understand, so I'm scared to try" He said angrily, 'Don't put it all on me.'
I was so frustrated and bewildered. Aaaaagh! I'm pretty interested in sex right now and I'm trying not to be a sex maniac, but I'm always kinda hoping tonight will be a sexy times night. I don't want sex every day, but I like the possibility of it so I'm always watching him trying to read the signs of when to expect it and when to not. I've told him that I'm pretty much up for it any time, which he thought was great, but I guess he's feeling some pressure to perform, or to take the lead, or to be always teaching me what to do....
He tried to explain what was sexy and what wasn't. It seemed like I was allowed to touch him in the moment, like if we were cuddling on the couch, which isn't exactly rocket science. But there must be a way to suggest sex later in the day that doesn't make him anxious. And he's done it to me, so he doesn't have to grump at me when I try to copy that. I've only been doing the sex thing for 3 months, give me a break!
He doesn't understand how much of an identity crisis this is. This is all new to me.
I think that was our first fight and it was about sex, which made me sad. The conversation ended in a ridiculous exchange:
'I don't understand the rules here.'
"I don't understand what there is to not understand'
Muttered under my breath: "But you're allowed to tell me you want sex tonight and I'm not."
A few days later I brought it up and he didn't remember the conversation. Frustrating man! Sometimes he comes up with rules when he's grumpy and then completely forgets about them later. He ate my extra potato chips off my plate fifteen minutes after saying he wasn't my "food dumping ground" (the incident mentioned above.)
~~~~~~~~~~~
On Halloween we wore our handmade costumes and they were amazing and we were completely anonymous so we walked around town and peeked into open doors and hammed it up in front of restaurant windows. We were pretty pleased with ourselves and he said, "I think we should just get married now, before we lose the magic. You make me happy and even though there are some things that are frustrating about you, I want you in my life."
What things are frustrating about me? I keep thinking about the ways I piss him off. I'm probably better off not knowing. He frustrates the heck out of me but I tend not to tell him.
I don't know what a relationship is supposed to be like. I don't know if I have the skills for a long term relationship- aren't you supposed to learn about yourself from previous ones before you're ready?
It seems like this has gone incredibly serious incredibly fast. Even he will sometimes say, 'This whole thing is crazy' even though he's the one who's upping the intensity.
We'll probably live together by the new year at this rate.
So so so much newness and upheaval.
And I still need a job, and beyond that, a career plan.
Thursday 31 October 2013
My life is too weird
Readers, this is not a joke blog. This stuff really happens to one awkward 30-something Canadian girl.
Tomorrow I have an interview for a job at a sex toy shop.
No I don't believe it either.
It's a classier shop, as they go, but I am in panic mode.
It's only a phone interview, I should say, but still...
I am getting nowhere on looking for a job. I was reading the classifieds and remarked to Nerdboy that his favourite cheese shop and his favourite sex toy shop were hiring. He said, 'Apply for both'.
I didn't apply for the cheese shop, as it was full time and I don't need to spend that much time with cheese. But the sex toy shop only wanted someone 10 hours a week and I applied on a lark. He thought it would be good for me, and for a minute I convinced myself I was cool enough about sex. While writing my cover letter I had all sorts of meltdowns and baggage and wanted not to do it but finally wrote something about my first experience buying a sex toy and hit 'send'.
So now they want to interview me.
This is nuts.
In my whole life, I don't think I've had sex 30 times yet. I've used two toys, but they don't actually look like penises. And anal, and bondage and who knows what else....? It's all foreign territory.
I can't do this job. I can't even talk to Nerdboy about sex. It took me ages to work up the courage to get a 'how to have an orgasm' book from the public library. I can't tell my grandmother where I work. And what if someone I know comes in to shop?
Anyways, I have so much more I could be writing about but it's Halloween and there's pumpkins to carve.
Tomorrow I have an interview for a job at a sex toy shop.
No I don't believe it either.
It's a classier shop, as they go, but I am in panic mode.
It's only a phone interview, I should say, but still...
I am getting nowhere on looking for a job. I was reading the classifieds and remarked to Nerdboy that his favourite cheese shop and his favourite sex toy shop were hiring. He said, 'Apply for both'.
I didn't apply for the cheese shop, as it was full time and I don't need to spend that much time with cheese. But the sex toy shop only wanted someone 10 hours a week and I applied on a lark. He thought it would be good for me, and for a minute I convinced myself I was cool enough about sex. While writing my cover letter I had all sorts of meltdowns and baggage and wanted not to do it but finally wrote something about my first experience buying a sex toy and hit 'send'.
So now they want to interview me.
This is nuts.
In my whole life, I don't think I've had sex 30 times yet. I've used two toys, but they don't actually look like penises. And anal, and bondage and who knows what else....? It's all foreign territory.
I can't do this job. I can't even talk to Nerdboy about sex. It took me ages to work up the courage to get a 'how to have an orgasm' book from the public library. I can't tell my grandmother where I work. And what if someone I know comes in to shop?
Anyways, I have so much more I could be writing about but it's Halloween and there's pumpkins to carve.
Friday 18 October 2013
A new project
It was a busy week for me and I didn't see Nerdboy for 3 nights. When I did see him, it was immediately a pants-free zone. After we'd had a little romping around, I blurted out that I thought we should write a sex comic together. See, he'd sent me a link to Oh Joy Sex Toy (WARNING: The current comic on the front page is about anal. Which I'm not into.) Anyways, it's a husband and wife reviewing sex toys in a comic book format, and it makes having fun with sex seem normal and okay to talk about. I'm not quite at that point yet....
I said I thought we had such an interesting story and there was so much material (and material yet to come). He said, 'Almost-virgin meets sex addict? Nothing interesting about that...."
He's actually really keen on the idea of the comic and when we talked about anonymity he said he'd post it on his facebook page. He's not embarrassed. I however, would be, so we haven't worked that out yet.
I like how open he is. I'm very private to the point of secretive, except here, where I'm anonymous.
I almost told him that there is an online community for people struggling with dating/sex/vaginismus and that I'd commented a few times... He'd be cool with that, but if he tried to check out those sites he'd find this blog fairly quickly I think. Ack, moral ambiguity of hiding this blog from him!
Anyways, I'd be drawing the comic for that audience, and for Nerdboy and me.
And we had a nice conversation remembering favourite moments we've had together. He said he doesn't really remember his first time with many of his partners, but he'll never forget his first time with me. Probably because I cried...
This process of getting my body used to sex has meant so much to me, and he can see that, and it makes him feel special to be that person. I thought no one would want me, and in fact my virginity brought us closer together and maybe even ...excited him. Go figure!
I really can't believe my own life right now.
I said I thought we had such an interesting story and there was so much material (and material yet to come). He said, 'Almost-virgin meets sex addict? Nothing interesting about that...."
He's actually really keen on the idea of the comic and when we talked about anonymity he said he'd post it on his facebook page. He's not embarrassed. I however, would be, so we haven't worked that out yet.
I like how open he is. I'm very private to the point of secretive, except here, where I'm anonymous.
I almost told him that there is an online community for people struggling with dating/sex/vaginismus and that I'd commented a few times... He'd be cool with that, but if he tried to check out those sites he'd find this blog fairly quickly I think. Ack, moral ambiguity of hiding this blog from him!
Anyways, I'd be drawing the comic for that audience, and for Nerdboy and me.
And we had a nice conversation remembering favourite moments we've had together. He said he doesn't really remember his first time with many of his partners, but he'll never forget his first time with me. Probably because I cried...
This process of getting my body used to sex has meant so much to me, and he can see that, and it makes him feel special to be that person. I thought no one would want me, and in fact my virginity brought us closer together and maybe even ...excited him. Go figure!
I really can't believe my own life right now.
Monday 14 October 2013
Grumpiness ensues
Okay, stuff happened this weekend and something's making me grumpy and I'm not exactly sure what it is.
There was a late night talk about Nerdboy's traumatic relationship and the stuff he's had to work through because of it. I didn't know what to say. I only wanted to know what I should do to help him through it when he has a bad day. His past is so different from mine.
It was Canadian Thanksgiving, a long weekend. Nerdboy made it through a dinner with my extended family. He gets a bit stressed out at meeting new people, at first we sat away from everyone else. Then he warmed up and talked to people, mostly about food (he'd baked two pies and a lasagne). We played a board game after dinner which doesn't bring out the best in him. I like to stack my extra game pieces into towers, and Nerdboy kept knocking them over, which upset me way out of proportion. It just seemed plain out mean, and in front of my family too.
I watched him do a half marathon and was so proud when he came up to the finish line.
Then he spent most of the rest of the day on his computer looking at imgur, which to me seems like the internet quoting itself, it's everything that's dumb about the internet. Have I mentioned I really hate lolcats? Life is too short to spend time looking at captioned photos of cats. (Never mind that I have pinned over 600 pictures of dresses on Pinterest....)
Meanwhile, I was trying to work on a presentation about waste reduction for my environment committee, and I really wanted Nerdboy to give me feedback as I practiced it. I'm really passionate about this stuff, part of me hoped that he would get why it's important to me, and get a sense of how I want to live my life. I know that's hoping for a lot. If nothing else he could give quite sensible advice about the presentation itself and Powerpoint tips.
I was trying to tell him it was important and he was being silly and said he'd watch the slide show if I did it topless, which didn't go over well. I didn't get mad, I just reiterated that it really meant a lot to me and what sort of things I wanted his advice on. Oh, I wanted someone with the same passion for the environment as me and I didn't get that and is that going to be something that drives us apart?
Meanwhile, my sister-in-law was in labour all day.
Finally she had a baby girl and they named it something really trendy that I don't like. A vowelly type of name, like "Isla" or "Ella". My mom had spent the day babysitting their other two kids and our old dog had been alone all day, so she asked me to go to check on him, so I had to leave the boyfriend and the presentation and go out to the suburbs to feed the dog. I'm at Mom's now.
I'm feeling like such a flake lately. I intended to come walk my dog and help my Mom fix the house. I've got unanswered emails in my inbox, and I should be putting more effort into finding a job.
There was a late night talk about Nerdboy's traumatic relationship and the stuff he's had to work through because of it. I didn't know what to say. I only wanted to know what I should do to help him through it when he has a bad day. His past is so different from mine.
It was Canadian Thanksgiving, a long weekend. Nerdboy made it through a dinner with my extended family. He gets a bit stressed out at meeting new people, at first we sat away from everyone else. Then he warmed up and talked to people, mostly about food (he'd baked two pies and a lasagne). We played a board game after dinner which doesn't bring out the best in him. I like to stack my extra game pieces into towers, and Nerdboy kept knocking them over, which upset me way out of proportion. It just seemed plain out mean, and in front of my family too.
I watched him do a half marathon and was so proud when he came up to the finish line.
Then he spent most of the rest of the day on his computer looking at imgur, which to me seems like the internet quoting itself, it's everything that's dumb about the internet. Have I mentioned I really hate lolcats? Life is too short to spend time looking at captioned photos of cats. (Never mind that I have pinned over 600 pictures of dresses on Pinterest....)
Meanwhile, I was trying to work on a presentation about waste reduction for my environment committee, and I really wanted Nerdboy to give me feedback as I practiced it. I'm really passionate about this stuff, part of me hoped that he would get why it's important to me, and get a sense of how I want to live my life. I know that's hoping for a lot. If nothing else he could give quite sensible advice about the presentation itself and Powerpoint tips.
I was trying to tell him it was important and he was being silly and said he'd watch the slide show if I did it topless, which didn't go over well. I didn't get mad, I just reiterated that it really meant a lot to me and what sort of things I wanted his advice on. Oh, I wanted someone with the same passion for the environment as me and I didn't get that and is that going to be something that drives us apart?
Meanwhile, my sister-in-law was in labour all day.
Finally she had a baby girl and they named it something really trendy that I don't like. A vowelly type of name, like "Isla" or "Ella". My mom had spent the day babysitting their other two kids and our old dog had been alone all day, so she asked me to go to check on him, so I had to leave the boyfriend and the presentation and go out to the suburbs to feed the dog. I'm at Mom's now.
I'm feeling like such a flake lately. I intended to come walk my dog and help my Mom fix the house. I've got unanswered emails in my inbox, and I should be putting more effort into finding a job.
Saturday 12 October 2013
More stuff that happens to me
Well let's see.... I'm still very unemployed. Last week I had two job interviews for childcare and I don't think I'll get either. And I don't even want to do part-time childcare for $15 an hour, that's really not all that appealing. But my whole career so far has been art and teaching art to children so I don't know which way to go. My sister is buying a small business and everyone thinks she's crazy but I support her and wish I had her courage.
I haven't slept at my own place all week. It was Nerdboy's birthday last week and he took two days off work and it just keeps ending up that I'm at his place late at night and so I stay.
There was about two days this week when I kept hoping he'd make a move on me and he didn't seem to want to, and when I started kissing him he said he didn't feel like doing anything sexual. He said his sex drive can disappear and the best thing for him to do is not worry about it until it comes back. I was a bit hurt, even though he assured me it had nothing to do with me.
I needn't have worried. The next night we were watching tv and halfway through the show he was ravishing me on the couch. He said his sex drive came back mid-morning at work and he'd been thinking about me all day. I really didn't mind. And this morning we tried some new positions and I found one I liked....
Is this really my life? All of this is so weird to me. It's like I've been dropped into a new life. Or like I've walked on the moon for the first time. I can't believe I'm having sex, enjoying sex, feeling more and more comfortable with sex, and that it happens several times a week. I keep saying 'this isn't real.....' which Nerdboy thinks is funny.
Mostly I go around in a big love haze for this man, and occasionally I freak out at how different he is from what I thought I wanted.
Him being bisexual hasn't really been an issue, except when he likes the same actors I do. And this morning he said he liked that I was tomboyish, which I wasn't too happy about.
Still a bit worried that I don't contribute enough, he cooks and drives and just generally gets stuff done for me. I really want to be a 'helpmate'.
So yeah, that's this week. Really need to get an income, otherwise life is pretty new and exciting.
I haven't slept at my own place all week. It was Nerdboy's birthday last week and he took two days off work and it just keeps ending up that I'm at his place late at night and so I stay.
There was about two days this week when I kept hoping he'd make a move on me and he didn't seem to want to, and when I started kissing him he said he didn't feel like doing anything sexual. He said his sex drive can disappear and the best thing for him to do is not worry about it until it comes back. I was a bit hurt, even though he assured me it had nothing to do with me.
I needn't have worried. The next night we were watching tv and halfway through the show he was ravishing me on the couch. He said his sex drive came back mid-morning at work and he'd been thinking about me all day. I really didn't mind. And this morning we tried some new positions and I found one I liked....
Is this really my life? All of this is so weird to me. It's like I've been dropped into a new life. Or like I've walked on the moon for the first time. I can't believe I'm having sex, enjoying sex, feeling more and more comfortable with sex, and that it happens several times a week. I keep saying 'this isn't real.....' which Nerdboy thinks is funny.
Mostly I go around in a big love haze for this man, and occasionally I freak out at how different he is from what I thought I wanted.
Him being bisexual hasn't really been an issue, except when he likes the same actors I do. And this morning he said he liked that I was tomboyish, which I wasn't too happy about.
Still a bit worried that I don't contribute enough, he cooks and drives and just generally gets stuff done for me. I really want to be a 'helpmate'.
So yeah, that's this week. Really need to get an income, otherwise life is pretty new and exciting.
Tuesday 1 October 2013
A whole bunch of little things
A bunch of small updates. Have I really only been with this guy for two months?
Nerdboy is OCD, I mean he used to go to a psychiatrist and he's been diagnosed as such. (I really should get him to tell me more about this. Kinda important.) He needs things to be a particular way. I'm completely the opposite, I grew up in chaos and clutter.
He gets really snippy when he's stressed and takes it out on me. When the bathroom was finally done and he was putting everything back, I was trying to help but I put some things in the wrong place and I got treated like an idiot. I went and sat on the couch and let him do it alone. He had no idea I was upset and once everything was back in place he was back to being loving boyfriend again....
Sometimes when he's cooking, I ask if there's anything I can do to help and he says 'Stand there and look pretty.' I HATE THAT.
Anyways, next time I get snarked at, I'm saying something. Because that weekend, there was no way I was going to spend a lifetime with someone who makes me feel stupid.
We have sex a lot. It's going quite well. He starts with his fingers, sometimes even that hurts. It hurts when he enters me, but very quickly it goes away and starts to feel good. I don't think I'm having orgasms. Partial orgasms? Mini-orgasms? I don't know. I didn't think we'd get this far this quickly but am obviously curious about what it feels like to have the real deal.
We've had some good conversations about sex lately....how casual sex freaks me out (he's done it, I don't expect I ever will), how he feels about being my only lover, how I feel about the vasectomy, etc
He really is a great partner to introduce me to sex. I couldn't ask for better. I hope I'm not just keeping for the sex, haha. And his great cooking. He's a little weird but he's mine.
In non-relationship news, I added up my expenses this month and yikes! I've needed to invest in stuff for the move, and for the new bike, and the trip to the wedding. One of my teaching gigs was cancelled so I desperately need a source of income. I have a job interview this week for childcare, horrible hours. I'd work before school 7-9am and then have a 5 hour break then work again 2-6pm. Ironically the place is near where I used to live with Mom. If I get the job I'll spend the break at her house, and walk my old dog and watch some tv and hopefully make some art.
I was supposed to face my dad today for a 'talk' but am feeling sick and cancelled. Might write him a letter instead.
Life is so full these days. I'm sure I've missed little things I wanted to record.
I threw myself a birthday and housewarming party and 5 people came, plus the male roommate joined in. Nerdboy met Walrus, which was awkward. Instafriend said she caught Walrus raising an eyebrow at a few things Nerdboy said, but other than that Walrus seemed fine. Nerdboy got a little nervous I think, and had a glass of wine, and talked a lot. He would jokingly put down other people's taste in music and movies, and it was just, just, just on the edge of being mean.
I said very little the whole evening, just watched my friends interact. The group seemed to get along fine and the roommate fit in well.
It happened that the female guests left early and Walrus, Nerdboy and Roommate were left. We were doing dishes, I was hoping Walrus would leave but somebody made him a cup of tea and he seemed settled in to stay put for a while. I mentioned we hadn't played the board game sitting on the table, and the roommate wanted to get a game going. So we did, for some reason.
But we played, and it seemed ok. Nerdboy, I think, was privately freaking out just as I suspected, and got flustered trying to explain the rules of the game. The roommate became the key person keeping the group together, as he was the only 'neutral' one at the table. You know, the only person I hadn't slept with.....
Anyways. Nerdboy is very competitive and did not play a friendly game, even to me. I won anyways. It was after midnight, Nerdboy had his car but didn't offer Walrus a ride, which I could understand.
Afterwards Instafriend said Nerdboy was a great physical match for me and we'd have cute babies. She said he was kinda weird but she liked him. She said something about recognizing that he fell somewhere on the autism/Asperger's spectrum and that her husband does too and she knows how to deal with it. Uh, what?
Since that event, the doubts have grown. He didn't shine at the party, he didn't make a good impression on my friends. He didn't do anything wrong, he just was a bit opinionated.
Then his bathroom got reno'ed and he spent some time at my place. I don't feel comfortable having him sleep at my place, and although we did shower together, sexy times weren't an option if I thought the other roommates would even guess what we were up to. I'm so private about sex. I don't want people to know I have a sex life, but when I didn't have a sex life, I didn't want them to know that either!
The reno went two days longer than expected and my bed hurt his back so we tried to stay at his place even though it wasn't done, and we had to deal with a bathroom with no door and no shower. He got super stressed that it wasn't done and that we couldn't have a quiet Saturday at home and that his stuff wasn't in the right place.
The reno went two days longer than expected and my bed hurt his back so we tried to stay at his place even though it wasn't done, and we had to deal with a bathroom with no door and no shower. He got super stressed that it wasn't done and that we couldn't have a quiet Saturday at home and that his stuff wasn't in the right place.
Nerdboy is OCD, I mean he used to go to a psychiatrist and he's been diagnosed as such. (I really should get him to tell me more about this. Kinda important.) He needs things to be a particular way. I'm completely the opposite, I grew up in chaos and clutter.
He gets really snippy when he's stressed and takes it out on me. When the bathroom was finally done and he was putting everything back, I was trying to help but I put some things in the wrong place and I got treated like an idiot. I went and sat on the couch and let him do it alone. He had no idea I was upset and once everything was back in place he was back to being loving boyfriend again....
Sometimes when he's cooking, I ask if there's anything I can do to help and he says 'Stand there and look pretty.' I HATE THAT.
Anyways, next time I get snarked at, I'm saying something. Because that weekend, there was no way I was going to spend a lifetime with someone who makes me feel stupid.
We have sex a lot. It's going quite well. He starts with his fingers, sometimes even that hurts. It hurts when he enters me, but very quickly it goes away and starts to feel good. I don't think I'm having orgasms. Partial orgasms? Mini-orgasms? I don't know. I didn't think we'd get this far this quickly but am obviously curious about what it feels like to have the real deal.
We've had some good conversations about sex lately....how casual sex freaks me out (he's done it, I don't expect I ever will), how he feels about being my only lover, how I feel about the vasectomy, etc
He really is a great partner to introduce me to sex. I couldn't ask for better. I hope I'm not just keeping for the sex, haha. And his great cooking. He's a little weird but he's mine.
In non-relationship news, I added up my expenses this month and yikes! I've needed to invest in stuff for the move, and for the new bike, and the trip to the wedding. One of my teaching gigs was cancelled so I desperately need a source of income. I have a job interview this week for childcare, horrible hours. I'd work before school 7-9am and then have a 5 hour break then work again 2-6pm. Ironically the place is near where I used to live with Mom. If I get the job I'll spend the break at her house, and walk my old dog and watch some tv and hopefully make some art.
I was supposed to face my dad today for a 'talk' but am feeling sick and cancelled. Might write him a letter instead.
Life is so full these days. I'm sure I've missed little things I wanted to record.
Monday 23 September 2013
Sex and Doubts
So I've been feeling really overwhelmed by everything that has happened this summer. I don't feel at home anywhere, I'm not sure of who I am sometimes...
I think good things are happening, but I'm feeling like a newbie at so many things that I'm having a hard time keeping my sh*t together.
Newly moved out, newly in a relationship, new at sex, new at being vegetarian, new at jogging, new at cycling, new at being tidy and organized (failing at this...I have stuff at three different houses right now) and still looking for a way to earn an income. New at being a grown-up, in short.
Ok, first the sexy stuff, because this is/was a virginity blog.
Nerdboy made me dinner and cake for my birthday. I slept over. We had penetrative sex, it's getting easier and once he was in all the way it stopped being uncomfortable. He was able to go um...pretty hard and he...came inside of me (in a condom) which was a first. Afterwards we held each other for a long time and talked. Errr.... I think we're engaged! This was because I joked early on in the relationship that if we got sex to work I'd probably propose. So then after our lovemaking (...never thought that word would apply to me!) I said, 'What colour bridesmaid dresses do you want?' And he's agreed to marry me...this is all just pretend, right? Because when he said he'd marry me I suddenly got very terrified and he said, 'You're shaking!' (We did talk about how it's scary to fall in love.) The whole evening was lovely and he got a thousand Boyfriend Points.
On the weekend I had some art installed at a festival and he helped me fix some technical issues on a piece, then helped me transport and install everything, stayed for the whole event and then helped me take down everything at night and drove it all back to my place. Sounds like an amazing boyfriend, except he was so grumpy for parts of it that I was seriously stressing out. I was trying to decide where to put each piece, he said I was indecisive. It was difficult to find out who was in charge and when I hesitated to ask when I needed help from the organizers, he said I was scared of everything. I've done this event twice without him, but if my confidence starts to dip, I fall apart. I tried to suggest he could leave and come back, he could nap in the car, then I got snapped at for 'fussing' over him. "I'm not Walrus", he said, "I'm fine and stop worrying about me."
Partly he was just tired and hungry. But when our work was done and we went to see all the installations, the crowds stressed him out, he grumbled at people using flash photography or when he was bumped into....he kept suggesting improvements for everything he saw.... I just wanted him to 'be in the moment' (I dislike this phrase) and just see the beauty of the evening. Later though, when people were commenting on my art, I think he was proud of me and enjoyed talking about being the artist's boyfriend.
He's all fired up about how to use technology for the type of sculptures I make. I love that they're low tech, although I've experimented with using fancy gadgets, I keep going back to the simpler materials.
So I'm torn. I'm open to new ideas, it would be fun to collaborate with someone if we find we work well together, and he's good with tools and making stuff, but on the other hand, this is my art and there's a certain point where I'll be protective of that. New territory there- the boyfriend who wants to be involved in my art. Huh.
Wait, wait, I'm supposed to talk about the sexy times. So after all that, we went back to his house and had some Bailey's and doughnuts and watched TV and he was all lovely again. And there was more sex, because now that it's working, we do that a lot. And it was even easier this time, and we tried me going on top, and that was great because I could control it. I couldn't believe it didn't hurt, that it was working, it was even somewhat pleasurable. And then I started crying and my tears fell in his eyes. So that was awkward, but at least it made us laugh and I was getting braver in my movements. He said, 'uh, I'm going to come' and he wasn't wearing a condom and he said, 'you take birth control, but it's your body' and I said 'I want to feel that' and I let him come inside me and as he did I started breathing very heavily and getting very excited and then after I felt suddenly tired and yet emotional. "What happened there?" he said. "Did you orgasm?"
I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but I think maybe I did. We orgasmed together for my first one.
I can't even explain how much grinning, crying, 'I can't believe this is real' and spontaneous bear hugs happened that evening.
In the middle of the night I regretted not making him wear a condom. As far as I understand, I am not very fertile due to my PCOS, and I'm on birth control, but there is that 0.1% chance that pregnancy is possible. I will not allow that again. (Yeah, in the one week left before his vasectomy)
The other thing I wonder about- I get really excited by his orgasm, and even though he does sexy things to me for hours with his hands and mouth, all I really want is penetration or him finishing. The other stuff doesn't really excite me, sometimes it feels like I'm numb it does so little for me.
Maybe I spent so many years wondering about sex, masturbating almost in desperation, that my sex life will be forever coloured by that.
Nerdboy has asked me a bit about my sexual experience, and right before the session with the (possible) orgasm, he asked me why I thought he'd reject me the night I told him about my vaginismus. I couldn't even answer, my eyes filled with tears. I'm trying to explain to him what I'm going through. All he knows is that I cry a lot even though I'm happy. I feel like I'm being forced to face the pain and shame of all those years of being the secret adult virgin. I don't know how I got through them, I must have ignored and repressed so much of it. Seriously, it's a wonder I'm not more messed up than I am.
Sorry to readers who are still waiting to lose the 'virgin' label. I know I don't sound very positive, but everything hasn't been magically fixed and it wasn't worth the wait.
I'm really happy, it's a wild adventure, I feel like I've been unlocked, but I will always regret the years I spent without love.
On the positive side, better late than never, and it wasn't too late for me.
~~~~~
Doubts.
He doesn't care about the environment like I do, he's pro-technology and I'm a Luddite, he's probably not as intellectual as I aspire to be, he has a past, he's a little bit OCD and stuck in his ways, he likes internet cat memes and bad dance music...
I expected someone more in line with my values, and yet we have a good time together. He's been wonderful and patient and he's crazy about me.
And yet. Sometimes he speaks a bit bluntly to me, and I take it too hard. Is this just how men communicate, with directness, and I'm being too sensitive? I say nothing and sulk. Or should I say, 'Wow, hon. That was ruder than necessary' ?
I guess the initial romantic haze wears off sometimes, and you find out if you can love someone warts and all.
I think good things are happening, but I'm feeling like a newbie at so many things that I'm having a hard time keeping my sh*t together.
Newly moved out, newly in a relationship, new at sex, new at being vegetarian, new at jogging, new at cycling, new at being tidy and organized (failing at this...I have stuff at three different houses right now) and still looking for a way to earn an income. New at being a grown-up, in short.
Ok, first the sexy stuff, because this is/was a virginity blog.
Nerdboy made me dinner and cake for my birthday. I slept over. We had penetrative sex, it's getting easier and once he was in all the way it stopped being uncomfortable. He was able to go um...pretty hard and he...came inside of me (in a condom) which was a first. Afterwards we held each other for a long time and talked. Errr.... I think we're engaged! This was because I joked early on in the relationship that if we got sex to work I'd probably propose. So then after our lovemaking (...never thought that word would apply to me!) I said, 'What colour bridesmaid dresses do you want?' And he's agreed to marry me...this is all just pretend, right? Because when he said he'd marry me I suddenly got very terrified and he said, 'You're shaking!' (We did talk about how it's scary to fall in love.) The whole evening was lovely and he got a thousand Boyfriend Points.
On the weekend I had some art installed at a festival and he helped me fix some technical issues on a piece, then helped me transport and install everything, stayed for the whole event and then helped me take down everything at night and drove it all back to my place. Sounds like an amazing boyfriend, except he was so grumpy for parts of it that I was seriously stressing out. I was trying to decide where to put each piece, he said I was indecisive. It was difficult to find out who was in charge and when I hesitated to ask when I needed help from the organizers, he said I was scared of everything. I've done this event twice without him, but if my confidence starts to dip, I fall apart. I tried to suggest he could leave and come back, he could nap in the car, then I got snapped at for 'fussing' over him. "I'm not Walrus", he said, "I'm fine and stop worrying about me."
Partly he was just tired and hungry. But when our work was done and we went to see all the installations, the crowds stressed him out, he grumbled at people using flash photography or when he was bumped into....he kept suggesting improvements for everything he saw.... I just wanted him to 'be in the moment' (I dislike this phrase) and just see the beauty of the evening. Later though, when people were commenting on my art, I think he was proud of me and enjoyed talking about being the artist's boyfriend.
He's all fired up about how to use technology for the type of sculptures I make. I love that they're low tech, although I've experimented with using fancy gadgets, I keep going back to the simpler materials.
So I'm torn. I'm open to new ideas, it would be fun to collaborate with someone if we find we work well together, and he's good with tools and making stuff, but on the other hand, this is my art and there's a certain point where I'll be protective of that. New territory there- the boyfriend who wants to be involved in my art. Huh.
Wait, wait, I'm supposed to talk about the sexy times. So after all that, we went back to his house and had some Bailey's and doughnuts and watched TV and he was all lovely again. And there was more sex, because now that it's working, we do that a lot. And it was even easier this time, and we tried me going on top, and that was great because I could control it. I couldn't believe it didn't hurt, that it was working, it was even somewhat pleasurable. And then I started crying and my tears fell in his eyes. So that was awkward, but at least it made us laugh and I was getting braver in my movements. He said, 'uh, I'm going to come' and he wasn't wearing a condom and he said, 'you take birth control, but it's your body' and I said 'I want to feel that' and I let him come inside me and as he did I started breathing very heavily and getting very excited and then after I felt suddenly tired and yet emotional. "What happened there?" he said. "Did you orgasm?"
I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but I think maybe I did. We orgasmed together for my first one.
I can't even explain how much grinning, crying, 'I can't believe this is real' and spontaneous bear hugs happened that evening.
In the middle of the night I regretted not making him wear a condom. As far as I understand, I am not very fertile due to my PCOS, and I'm on birth control, but there is that 0.1% chance that pregnancy is possible. I will not allow that again. (Yeah, in the one week left before his vasectomy)
The other thing I wonder about- I get really excited by his orgasm, and even though he does sexy things to me for hours with his hands and mouth, all I really want is penetration or him finishing. The other stuff doesn't really excite me, sometimes it feels like I'm numb it does so little for me.
Maybe I spent so many years wondering about sex, masturbating almost in desperation, that my sex life will be forever coloured by that.
Nerdboy has asked me a bit about my sexual experience, and right before the session with the (possible) orgasm, he asked me why I thought he'd reject me the night I told him about my vaginismus. I couldn't even answer, my eyes filled with tears. I'm trying to explain to him what I'm going through. All he knows is that I cry a lot even though I'm happy. I feel like I'm being forced to face the pain and shame of all those years of being the secret adult virgin. I don't know how I got through them, I must have ignored and repressed so much of it. Seriously, it's a wonder I'm not more messed up than I am.
Sorry to readers who are still waiting to lose the 'virgin' label. I know I don't sound very positive, but everything hasn't been magically fixed and it wasn't worth the wait.
I'm really happy, it's a wild adventure, I feel like I've been unlocked, but I will always regret the years I spent without love.
On the positive side, better late than never, and it wasn't too late for me.
~~~~~
Doubts.
He doesn't care about the environment like I do, he's pro-technology and I'm a Luddite, he's probably not as intellectual as I aspire to be, he has a past, he's a little bit OCD and stuck in his ways, he likes internet cat memes and bad dance music...
I expected someone more in line with my values, and yet we have a good time together. He's been wonderful and patient and he's crazy about me.
And yet. Sometimes he speaks a bit bluntly to me, and I take it too hard. Is this just how men communicate, with directness, and I'm being too sensitive? I say nothing and sulk. Or should I say, 'Wow, hon. That was ruder than necessary' ?
I guess the initial romantic haze wears off sometimes, and you find out if you can love someone warts and all.
Sunday 15 September 2013
Success!
Last night we came home (to his place) after a full day of festival stuff and despite the late hour, we started fooling around.
And it worked. He was all the way inside of me. It took a while, it hurt a tiny bit at first but got better. At one point I propped my head up so I could look at what was happening. Not to be kinky, merely because I didn't believe it was really happening.
So there you go. V-card well and truly punched now.
I suppose it's too early to say I'm cured and vaginismus won't be a problem for us ever again, but at least I know sex is not an impossibility. I'm actually excited to try other positions! And I kept grinning at him, which caused him to say 'I've never made a woman so happy with my penis' which was quite funny. Poor boy, I'm so emotional about this I'm sure I'm very confusing. Grinning, blushing, breaking into tears....
I almost wonder if going through this hasn't brought the two of us together in a deeper bond. Maybe this will make our relationship stronger than if we'd just jumped into bed right away. Although he keeps reminding me that we have been having sex for weeks now, just not P in V sex.
He's been really wonderful about the whole thing, and I know he liked being 'the one' who finally got to do the deed.
And I thought no one would want me.
We've had a great time doing the festival together. It's amazing how quickly this has all happened. Living together is already being seriously discussed, half-serious jokes about marriage. Do I really only sleep with two men my whole life? Is that going to be my story? The odds are against that, I suppose. I try not to look too far ahead, but every once in a while I get a twinge about how good it is now and how badly it could end. The story of so many love affairs....There's still so much we don't know about each other. Right now my heart is full to bursting for my dorky guy.
And it worked. He was all the way inside of me. It took a while, it hurt a tiny bit at first but got better. At one point I propped my head up so I could look at what was happening. Not to be kinky, merely because I didn't believe it was really happening.
So there you go. V-card well and truly punched now.
I suppose it's too early to say I'm cured and vaginismus won't be a problem for us ever again, but at least I know sex is not an impossibility. I'm actually excited to try other positions! And I kept grinning at him, which caused him to say 'I've never made a woman so happy with my penis' which was quite funny. Poor boy, I'm so emotional about this I'm sure I'm very confusing. Grinning, blushing, breaking into tears....
I almost wonder if going through this hasn't brought the two of us together in a deeper bond. Maybe this will make our relationship stronger than if we'd just jumped into bed right away. Although he keeps reminding me that we have been having sex for weeks now, just not P in V sex.
He's been really wonderful about the whole thing, and I know he liked being 'the one' who finally got to do the deed.
And I thought no one would want me.
We've had a great time doing the festival together. It's amazing how quickly this has all happened. Living together is already being seriously discussed, half-serious jokes about marriage. Do I really only sleep with two men my whole life? Is that going to be my story? The odds are against that, I suppose. I try not to look too far ahead, but every once in a while I get a twinge about how good it is now and how badly it could end. The story of so many love affairs....There's still so much we don't know about each other. Right now my heart is full to bursting for my dorky guy.
Wednesday 11 September 2013
Finally
Dear internet,
I finally had sex. It wasn't great, it wasn't that comfortable, he didn't go in that deep but it was something resembling sex without me crying in pain. I was crying, grinning, shaking, very emotional.
We were fooling around and I felt ready so I tried going on top, and all the muscles tightened and I started crying in frustration, sitting on top of him. It was ridiculous. I was just sobbing and angry. He held me and stroked my hair and after a long time, he started slowly touching me again and after a lot of that, he put his body over mine and gently pushed against me, without the intention of going in, but it did. We put a pillow under my hips and we were able to go a little bit deeper. I said, 'This is SO EXCITING!" and he said I was a strange and wonderful woman. I told him he'd just taken what was left of my virginity.
Still a ways to go, but a huge step forward.
I finally had sex. It wasn't great, it wasn't that comfortable, he didn't go in that deep but it was something resembling sex without me crying in pain. I was crying, grinning, shaking, very emotional.
We were fooling around and I felt ready so I tried going on top, and all the muscles tightened and I started crying in frustration, sitting on top of him. It was ridiculous. I was just sobbing and angry. He held me and stroked my hair and after a long time, he started slowly touching me again and after a lot of that, he put his body over mine and gently pushed against me, without the intention of going in, but it did. We put a pillow under my hips and we were able to go a little bit deeper. I said, 'This is SO EXCITING!" and he said I was a strange and wonderful woman. I told him he'd just taken what was left of my virginity.
Still a ways to go, but a huge step forward.
Tuesday 10 September 2013
September, directionless
Well not a lot to report, but life continues to be very busy.
Walrus' father had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a few days. I think he's home again now. I've only been texting Walrus for updates. Not sure if I'm expected to visit.
I made Nerdboy sign up to volunteer for the festival I interned at last fall. I signed up to do quite a few shifts and I thought he could be involved as well, or I wouldn't see him while the festival was on. He ended up taking on as many shifts as me, and he works full time. And he wants to see everything at the festival! I've created a monster!
He's really enjoying it though, but he's completely wiped out. I wanted to take a night off....to cuddle (cough, cough) but he doesn't want to miss a thing at the fest. Sigh. After two weeks off, (the yeast infection and my time of the month) I'd like to get back to working on the whole having penetrative sex thing.
I have a gynecologist appointment scheduled, but not until December. I'm hoping we figure things out on our own before then. Progress has been great. I am able to wear tampons now for the first time in my life.
So I'm at the festival every day, on my own or with him. I've been letting interesting job postings go by without applying, and that has to stop. It was great to have time to deal with the move and spend time with my new fellow after a very busy summer, but September has that 'back to reality' feeling and I want a more settled routine. Nerdboy and I are both introverts and need time to ourselves, he wants to stay on track with his jogging routine, I need to make art. I just don't think things are balanced but hopefully it will get settled soon. Probably then I'll miss how much time we spent together.
I just sent in an application for a leadership training program. It would be free for me if I am accepted, but it's a major time commitment, 1 to 2 days a week for seven months.
One of the questions on the application was 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years, if your dreams came true?'
I couldn't answer it. I've thought about it, I have lots of things that interest me. Life just feels too shook up right now to look beyond a few months from today.
I'm wondering if I'll have a major freakout before Nerdboy goes for his vasectomy. It's coming up soon.
I don't feel settled into my new place. I'm at Nerdboy's two or three nights a week, I mean sleeping there, and I'm there for dinner almost every night. I feel more at home there. It's weird living with strangers. The new female roommate had a death in the family and has mainly stayed in her room.
I did my laundry this morning, at my place, and nearly had a small breakdown because I didn't want to hang my underwear up for the whole neighbourhood (and my male roommate) to see. In the suburbs I had a fenced backyard and no one could see the clothesline. All the little things that used to be easy now have to be relearned or rethought.
(In the end I put the underwear outside, the bras and reusable feminine hygiene pads inside on a drying rack in my room.)
Anyways, things are new and exciting and tiring and what is going to happen next?
Walrus' father had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a few days. I think he's home again now. I've only been texting Walrus for updates. Not sure if I'm expected to visit.
I made Nerdboy sign up to volunteer for the festival I interned at last fall. I signed up to do quite a few shifts and I thought he could be involved as well, or I wouldn't see him while the festival was on. He ended up taking on as many shifts as me, and he works full time. And he wants to see everything at the festival! I've created a monster!
He's really enjoying it though, but he's completely wiped out. I wanted to take a night off....to cuddle (cough, cough) but he doesn't want to miss a thing at the fest. Sigh. After two weeks off, (the yeast infection and my time of the month) I'd like to get back to working on the whole having penetrative sex thing.
I have a gynecologist appointment scheduled, but not until December. I'm hoping we figure things out on our own before then. Progress has been great. I am able to wear tampons now for the first time in my life.
So I'm at the festival every day, on my own or with him. I've been letting interesting job postings go by without applying, and that has to stop. It was great to have time to deal with the move and spend time with my new fellow after a very busy summer, but September has that 'back to reality' feeling and I want a more settled routine. Nerdboy and I are both introverts and need time to ourselves, he wants to stay on track with his jogging routine, I need to make art. I just don't think things are balanced but hopefully it will get settled soon. Probably then I'll miss how much time we spent together.
I just sent in an application for a leadership training program. It would be free for me if I am accepted, but it's a major time commitment, 1 to 2 days a week for seven months.
One of the questions on the application was 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years, if your dreams came true?'
I couldn't answer it. I've thought about it, I have lots of things that interest me. Life just feels too shook up right now to look beyond a few months from today.
I'm wondering if I'll have a major freakout before Nerdboy goes for his vasectomy. It's coming up soon.
I don't feel settled into my new place. I'm at Nerdboy's two or three nights a week, I mean sleeping there, and I'm there for dinner almost every night. I feel more at home there. It's weird living with strangers. The new female roommate had a death in the family and has mainly stayed in her room.
I did my laundry this morning, at my place, and nearly had a small breakdown because I didn't want to hang my underwear up for the whole neighbourhood (and my male roommate) to see. In the suburbs I had a fenced backyard and no one could see the clothesline. All the little things that used to be easy now have to be relearned or rethought.
(In the end I put the underwear outside, the bras and reusable feminine hygiene pads inside on a drying rack in my room.)
Anyways, things are new and exciting and tiring and what is going to happen next?
Tuesday 3 September 2013
Little tidbits I forgot
I met Nerdboy's parents. He is not on great terms with them. He told me I would be interrogated.
They were nice enough, and he was able to make conversation with them without any awkward moments so they didn't quite live up to the dark picture he'd painted. They're pretty 'Leave It to Beaver' though so I can see why they wouldn't be supportive of their son's sexual orientation and lifestyle choices.
At one point they found out I work with children a lot and you could see their eyes light up. I knew what they were thinking: "Grandchildren!"
They sent him an email after saying they thought I was lovely.
---------
Just found out Big Hands has a girlfriend.
Her name is Eleanor.
Just to recap, Nerdboy's brother married an Eleanor, and Big Hands is dating an Eleanor.
I have only met about 5 Eleanors in my entire life, so what are the chances?
I felt a little twinge when I found out Big Hands is dating, but it passed quickly. I think I did have a tiny fantasy that if things didn't work out with Nerdboy I would tell Big Hands I had a crush on him, but him dating two Eleanors in a row is just weird.
They were nice enough, and he was able to make conversation with them without any awkward moments so they didn't quite live up to the dark picture he'd painted. They're pretty 'Leave It to Beaver' though so I can see why they wouldn't be supportive of their son's sexual orientation and lifestyle choices.
At one point they found out I work with children a lot and you could see their eyes light up. I knew what they were thinking: "Grandchildren!"
They sent him an email after saying they thought I was lovely.
---------
Just found out Big Hands has a girlfriend.
Her name is Eleanor.
Just to recap, Nerdboy's brother married an Eleanor, and Big Hands is dating an Eleanor.
I have only met about 5 Eleanors in my entire life, so what are the chances?
I felt a little twinge when I found out Big Hands is dating, but it passed quickly. I think I did have a tiny fantasy that if things didn't work out with Nerdboy I would tell Big Hands I had a crush on him, but him dating two Eleanors in a row is just weird.
Road trip report
Nerdboy and I survived our first trip together. We still seem to like each other.
I did get a glimpse of the ways we'll drive each other crazy later.
We went a 5 hours drive from the city to attend my uncle's wedding. My uncle was single again, after a marriage and a long term girlfriend, and somehow reconnected with his high school crush, 40 years later. A month after they got together, he found out he had cancer. She decided to stick with it and so they got married. It was a big deal for me to attend because I haven't talked to my father in over a year and thus haven't seen his side of the family.
Nerdboy is super organized and bought all the food and planned the route. He also tended to pick the music. He likes to listen to a whole album, or everything by one artist; I like to just let it shuffle for as much variety as possible. Perhaps I should have insisted on my music for a bit, but I think the rule should be 'Driver's choice'. I won't go into all my little complaints but travelling shows how the other person deals with stress. We're both neurotic in different ways. There will be fights in the future. Must learn to keep perspective.
He was going to split the costs of the trip with me but I insisted it was my responsibility to pay. I couldn't even believe he was coming along. Meeting all my family at once can hardly be fun for him. Dealing with my dad was awkward; Nerdboy wanted to snub him to support me but didn't.... Dad thinks things are fine again and I could hardly talk to him about it in the middle of a family event. But we endured the social strain of the family gathering; Nerdboy got along with my cousins, nobody interrogated him, and we got to sleep in a tent together.
Oh yeah, we were supposed to not do sexy things for a week because of my yeast infection, doctor's orders. That didn't last. He was going nuts and kept saying suggestive things to me, and so there was a lot of touching. Probably wasn't the best idea but the worst of the infection seems to be over. It was only a week ago he managed to get the tip of his penis in. I want to try that again but we held off. We're both longing to be able to have penetrative sex but he is being really really great about doing the things we can do and enjoying it.
Now that he's officially my boyfriend and a big part of my life, I feel funny about blogging about him and keeping this blog secret from him. So maybe I blog about progress with sex or any major milestones without blogging about him personally. I've already shared his personal stuff so that's crappy of me. Not sure what to do.
Also I got an email from a reader asking if maybe I was just in love with having someone rather than with him. (Is anyone else having problems commenting? I really don't know how to fix it, but I do occasionally check the gmail address for this blog.)
That is a danger for lonely people, just taking anybody who comes along. I guess everybody has doubts in a new relationship. Is this going to work? Is he the one? Does he still like me? If Nerdboy is preoccupied I'm sure he's falling out of love with me, and I know he's equally as insecure.
And the beginning of a relationship is so wonderful and it will gradually lose some magic so why not keep finding new love and adventures to keep it exciting? I don't want this 'honeymoon' to end. He's already telling me about his bowel movements.
(Side note: at the family gathering I observed some life-long married couples, who have been together 40 or 50 years, taking care of each other in their old age and it was very touching. Can't help but want that.)
With Walrus it was probably more 'This is what it's like to have a boyfriend' rather than that I was actually in love with him. With Nerdboy, I find we actually laugh more, plan more, can't keep our hands off each other.... I'm having a lot of fun. I gaze at him adoringly. We have strengths that can compliment each other.
On the other hand, he doesn't share my environmental values and lifestyle. He can be a bit bitter and socially awkward. Sometimes I think about my crush on Big Hands and wish Nerdboy had some of his idealism and generous nature. But in general, it really feels like it's working. We keep looking at each other and saying, "it's only been five weeks since we met! How did we get to this point?" And he talks about living together and even marriage and it's way too soon but I am relatively not freaked out by the idea. My friend in the North moved to a new province (ok, territory for the Canadians in the crowd) to be with someone she'd only spent a week with and it's working for her.
So I don't know. Maybe we're both just lonely people but I have a feeling a lot of relationships start that way. Nerdboy has his demons and I haven't had to deal with them yet, but I can sense what they are. And I have my ideals and dreams that maybe aren't compatible with his in the long run (having children? living off the land?) but I tend to want my dearest people in my life to be exactly like me, and maybe that's not the right thing for me. Love is a lot more complicated than that. I think I might subscribe to the "love the one you're with" philosophy. If we both get something out of it, what else matters? I seem to have stopped being cautious, I was trying for a bit.
I did get a glimpse of the ways we'll drive each other crazy later.
We went a 5 hours drive from the city to attend my uncle's wedding. My uncle was single again, after a marriage and a long term girlfriend, and somehow reconnected with his high school crush, 40 years later. A month after they got together, he found out he had cancer. She decided to stick with it and so they got married. It was a big deal for me to attend because I haven't talked to my father in over a year and thus haven't seen his side of the family.
Nerdboy is super organized and bought all the food and planned the route. He also tended to pick the music. He likes to listen to a whole album, or everything by one artist; I like to just let it shuffle for as much variety as possible. Perhaps I should have insisted on my music for a bit, but I think the rule should be 'Driver's choice'. I won't go into all my little complaints but travelling shows how the other person deals with stress. We're both neurotic in different ways. There will be fights in the future. Must learn to keep perspective.
He was going to split the costs of the trip with me but I insisted it was my responsibility to pay. I couldn't even believe he was coming along. Meeting all my family at once can hardly be fun for him. Dealing with my dad was awkward; Nerdboy wanted to snub him to support me but didn't.... Dad thinks things are fine again and I could hardly talk to him about it in the middle of a family event. But we endured the social strain of the family gathering; Nerdboy got along with my cousins, nobody interrogated him, and we got to sleep in a tent together.
Oh yeah, we were supposed to not do sexy things for a week because of my yeast infection, doctor's orders. That didn't last. He was going nuts and kept saying suggestive things to me, and so there was a lot of touching. Probably wasn't the best idea but the worst of the infection seems to be over. It was only a week ago he managed to get the tip of his penis in. I want to try that again but we held off. We're both longing to be able to have penetrative sex but he is being really really great about doing the things we can do and enjoying it.
Now that he's officially my boyfriend and a big part of my life, I feel funny about blogging about him and keeping this blog secret from him. So maybe I blog about progress with sex or any major milestones without blogging about him personally. I've already shared his personal stuff so that's crappy of me. Not sure what to do.
Also I got an email from a reader asking if maybe I was just in love with having someone rather than with him. (Is anyone else having problems commenting? I really don't know how to fix it, but I do occasionally check the gmail address for this blog.)
That is a danger for lonely people, just taking anybody who comes along. I guess everybody has doubts in a new relationship. Is this going to work? Is he the one? Does he still like me? If Nerdboy is preoccupied I'm sure he's falling out of love with me, and I know he's equally as insecure.
And the beginning of a relationship is so wonderful and it will gradually lose some magic so why not keep finding new love and adventures to keep it exciting? I don't want this 'honeymoon' to end. He's already telling me about his bowel movements.
(Side note: at the family gathering I observed some life-long married couples, who have been together 40 or 50 years, taking care of each other in their old age and it was very touching. Can't help but want that.)
With Walrus it was probably more 'This is what it's like to have a boyfriend' rather than that I was actually in love with him. With Nerdboy, I find we actually laugh more, plan more, can't keep our hands off each other.... I'm having a lot of fun. I gaze at him adoringly. We have strengths that can compliment each other.
On the other hand, he doesn't share my environmental values and lifestyle. He can be a bit bitter and socially awkward. Sometimes I think about my crush on Big Hands and wish Nerdboy had some of his idealism and generous nature. But in general, it really feels like it's working. We keep looking at each other and saying, "it's only been five weeks since we met! How did we get to this point?" And he talks about living together and even marriage and it's way too soon but I am relatively not freaked out by the idea. My friend in the North moved to a new province (ok, territory for the Canadians in the crowd) to be with someone she'd only spent a week with and it's working for her.
So I don't know. Maybe we're both just lonely people but I have a feeling a lot of relationships start that way. Nerdboy has his demons and I haven't had to deal with them yet, but I can sense what they are. And I have my ideals and dreams that maybe aren't compatible with his in the long run (having children? living off the land?) but I tend to want my dearest people in my life to be exactly like me, and maybe that's not the right thing for me. Love is a lot more complicated than that. I think I might subscribe to the "love the one you're with" philosophy. If we both get something out of it, what else matters? I seem to have stopped being cautious, I was trying for a bit.
Friday 30 August 2013
all the stuff that can happen in three days
Well let's see. Tuesday there was a meeting Nerdboy and I had to attend, and it turned out I was needed longer there than he was, so he went home without me. I was supposed to sleep over and he said he was really tired, didn't really seem to want me to come to his place, so I sulked and went home to my place. I was so hurt, he seemed so withdrawn, he didn't like the thing we'd signed up to do together....it was a frickin' big deal.
Meanwhile, he'd eaten and gone for a jog and felt better. Sent me a text saying, 'I half expected to find you curled up on the couch when I got back from my run.' Arrrrrrrrgh! You really didn't give that impression when you left me alone at the meeting!
(I have keys to his apartment, in case I forgot to mention that.)
Anyways, the next day there was supposed to be a New! Roommates! Feast! at my place but that got cancelled. Nerdboy was being weird about coming anyways, he gets social anxiety but I haven't figured out what events are scary and what are ok.
So we went for a jog. And, I did way better than either of us expected me to. Thanks, summer camp job for helping me lose weight before I met him! I can almost see myself doing jogging as a regular thing. And he was supportive and really really pleased that I was trying jogging with him. He kept saying, 'We're becoming one of those couples!'
And he was loving and cuddly and not withdrawn at all. I slept over and this morning I told him I loved him.
---------
Nice part of the story over, here's the Too Much Information part.
I was in some pain down there after our little experiment with penetration on Sunday.
I found this website http://vaginismusadvice.webs.com/
and sent Nerdboy the link. The writer suggests that tissues in the vagina just have to be torn and it will only be painful once. I don't totally agree, but she strongly believes pain is part of the process of stretching the muscles to accept a large object and I was pondering how accurate that was. I was willing to accept some pain in exchange for progress.
Except, my pain was getting worse, and I was pretty sure there was an open sore so I got out a mirror to have a look and freaked out because there was white stuff. Then I wondered if it was a yeast infection, because I've never had one, and looked at google images of yeast infections, which isn't a nice way to start the day.
I bought over the counter stuff from the drugstore, and made a doctor's appt.
I saw the doctor this afternoon. A female doctor!
Yes, it's a yeast infection so that should clear up quickly. Already is.
And I told her about my problems with sex (and the bladder, in case that was relevant) and she said I should get physiotherapy! Hooray, somebody finally took me seriously!
It's going to take a while to get a referral but I'm pretty excited.
And then I had one of my volunteering-do-gooding things tonight and wasn't going to see Nerdboy at all but then he ended up driving me to it, and afterwards asked if I'd come over for a bit. It was already 9pm and he'd had three glasses of wine and was silly but of course I did.
Funny that my mother's opinion of him was 'He seems to have a lot of energy'
A little bit of wine got him talking non-stop about nerd stuff and I just patted his head. 'Can we spoon now?'
And we talked and kissed and giggled and it's just so darn nice. At one point he said, 'I can't believe I ended up here' and I didn't take the bait, but later I said 'I love you' and he said, 'I've been thinking about that all day. I was trying to make you say it again'
We talk a lot about how much we like each other and how happy we are and how we nearly missed meeting and how we can't believe we've come this far in a month, etc etc. It's rather dull conversation but we seem to like saying it.
He seemed completely not put off by the yeast infection at all. I was the one who didn't want to be touched.
At least he's really understanding about all the troubles with the girl parts.
Then he said I remind him of Kirsten Schaal
Sadly, this is fairly accurate, except I have a different nose.
This weekend we are going on a trip to attend a family thing for me. Will we still like each other in two days? Stay tuned.
Meanwhile, he'd eaten and gone for a jog and felt better. Sent me a text saying, 'I half expected to find you curled up on the couch when I got back from my run.' Arrrrrrrrgh! You really didn't give that impression when you left me alone at the meeting!
(I have keys to his apartment, in case I forgot to mention that.)
Anyways, the next day there was supposed to be a New! Roommates! Feast! at my place but that got cancelled. Nerdboy was being weird about coming anyways, he gets social anxiety but I haven't figured out what events are scary and what are ok.
So we went for a jog. And, I did way better than either of us expected me to. Thanks, summer camp job for helping me lose weight before I met him! I can almost see myself doing jogging as a regular thing. And he was supportive and really really pleased that I was trying jogging with him. He kept saying, 'We're becoming one of those couples!'
And he was loving and cuddly and not withdrawn at all. I slept over and this morning I told him I loved him.
---------
Nice part of the story over, here's the Too Much Information part.
I was in some pain down there after our little experiment with penetration on Sunday.
I found this website http://vaginismusadvice.webs.com/
and sent Nerdboy the link. The writer suggests that tissues in the vagina just have to be torn and it will only be painful once. I don't totally agree, but she strongly believes pain is part of the process of stretching the muscles to accept a large object and I was pondering how accurate that was. I was willing to accept some pain in exchange for progress.
Except, my pain was getting worse, and I was pretty sure there was an open sore so I got out a mirror to have a look and freaked out because there was white stuff. Then I wondered if it was a yeast infection, because I've never had one, and looked at google images of yeast infections, which isn't a nice way to start the day.
I bought over the counter stuff from the drugstore, and made a doctor's appt.
I saw the doctor this afternoon. A female doctor!
Yes, it's a yeast infection so that should clear up quickly. Already is.
And I told her about my problems with sex (and the bladder, in case that was relevant) and she said I should get physiotherapy! Hooray, somebody finally took me seriously!
It's going to take a while to get a referral but I'm pretty excited.
And then I had one of my volunteering-do-gooding things tonight and wasn't going to see Nerdboy at all but then he ended up driving me to it, and afterwards asked if I'd come over for a bit. It was already 9pm and he'd had three glasses of wine and was silly but of course I did.
Funny that my mother's opinion of him was 'He seems to have a lot of energy'
A little bit of wine got him talking non-stop about nerd stuff and I just patted his head. 'Can we spoon now?'
And we talked and kissed and giggled and it's just so darn nice. At one point he said, 'I can't believe I ended up here' and I didn't take the bait, but later I said 'I love you' and he said, 'I've been thinking about that all day. I was trying to make you say it again'
We talk a lot about how much we like each other and how happy we are and how we nearly missed meeting and how we can't believe we've come this far in a month, etc etc. It's rather dull conversation but we seem to like saying it.
He seemed completely not put off by the yeast infection at all. I was the one who didn't want to be touched.
At least he's really understanding about all the troubles with the girl parts.
Then he said I remind him of Kirsten Schaal
This weekend we are going on a trip to attend a family thing for me. Will we still like each other in two days? Stay tuned.
Monday 26 August 2013
A small victory
So much can happen in a day and a half. Nerdboy came over to my new place after I wrote the last post. We goofed around on my bed and I'm sure the neighbours heard us. Then back to his house. He made dinner. I worry so much about contributing to the relationship if he hosts, cooks, drives and takes the lead in sexy stuff. I honestly was convinced he'd tire of me.
Later that night there was a look in his sex toy box and I got a bit quiet and overwhelmed. Butt plugs! And who has used these things? But mostly I didn't want to just pick one and start using it, I need a looooooong build-up before anything like that can be attempted. So I tried to explain what I like, which was a lot of stammering, but I will record them here for others who might be struggling with vaginismus as well.
I told him anticipation is a huge factor, and that kissing mouth, neck and boobs all help before going for 'down there'. He tends to stay doing one thing for a long time, and I think I like it to switch up more, start something I like and then break and come back to it. I said I've spent so long imagining what it will be like to be underneath somebody that I really feel a thrill when he puts his body over mine. I asked if he would leave my panties on and push against me. Basically we're finding that mimicking sex with some kind of rhythmic pushing, there are several variations on what's touching what while this happens, is the best thing for both of us.
This morning we didn't try anything, I was a bit tender and we were hungry! I went through his music library while he cooked and hooray, there's stuff in common. And we went on an adventure of chores throughout the city, which included getting me fancy running shoes because I've promised to jog with him (see how much I like him?) and going to a sex shop. We were looking for a toy with a diameter in between the one I have and the one he has. But there wasn't a lot of selection and we briefly described the problem to the clerk and I got shy. Surprisingly, Nerdboy, as shy and awkward as he is, was chatty with all the service people and clerks we had to deal with throughout the day. Huh! Anyways, we picked an unusual one with three blobby shapes in a row, so that we had different sizes to pick from.
Nerdboy is very no-nonsense when on a mission, and he definitely draws boundaries about how much he's willing to do for me, whether it's lending me stuff or talking to clerks about shoes.
He keeps casually talking about children though! "Oh that could be us" after we walked by a couple with a sleeping baby. "Oh if we had a teenager I'd tell him his mother waited until she was thirty" or "Why did you put on this song? Don't you know it's baby-making music?"
I don't know if he's trying to get me to talk him out of the vasectomy or it's just something he needs to share about imagining a long-term future with me. Anyways, it's making me upset. I know part of me does want a baby.
We're definitely already talking about living together six months to a year from now! He said, "yeah I know it's early but this is going so well."
We slept in this morning and I dozily told him we needed a time machine so he could seduce a younger me so we wouldn't have the sex problems. (I'm convinced that waiting so long has caused anxiety and repression and my brain hasn't used the pathways for pleasure enough.) He thought it would be better if a younger him met a younger me, which was an interesting discussion about where and who we both were at that time.
Anyways, this is jumping around a bit. I still have to admit to myself that the "llllllllllllllllloooooove" word is starting to be on the tip of my tongue, and that talking about children and living together and marriage is so surreal and overwhelming and thrilling. Someone wants to do that with me! I never ever thought it was a possibility.
He said, "You keep talking about how asexual a person you were, but I don't think it was me that lit that wonderful spark inside you."
And this evening we planned to each go to our respective houses to get some chores done, and instead we watched a movie and I just felt so full of gratitude for him in my life that I hugged him tight and kissed him over and over and well....things happened. We tried the 'push your penis against my panties' thing and that worked so well I pulled the ...gusset I think is the word... to the side and he actually got the tip in a little and it wasn't exactly comfortable but it wasn't bad and I didn't want him to stop but he got the new toy instead and that worked well.
And then I attempted to do oral sex on him and he said I did fine, I just need to keep doing it longer and build up speed. Blush!
and we are laughing a lot together and it's really quite amazing.
Later that night there was a look in his sex toy box and I got a bit quiet and overwhelmed. Butt plugs! And who has used these things? But mostly I didn't want to just pick one and start using it, I need a looooooong build-up before anything like that can be attempted. So I tried to explain what I like, which was a lot of stammering, but I will record them here for others who might be struggling with vaginismus as well.
I told him anticipation is a huge factor, and that kissing mouth, neck and boobs all help before going for 'down there'. He tends to stay doing one thing for a long time, and I think I like it to switch up more, start something I like and then break and come back to it. I said I've spent so long imagining what it will be like to be underneath somebody that I really feel a thrill when he puts his body over mine. I asked if he would leave my panties on and push against me. Basically we're finding that mimicking sex with some kind of rhythmic pushing, there are several variations on what's touching what while this happens, is the best thing for both of us.
This morning we didn't try anything, I was a bit tender and we were hungry! I went through his music library while he cooked and hooray, there's stuff in common. And we went on an adventure of chores throughout the city, which included getting me fancy running shoes because I've promised to jog with him (see how much I like him?) and going to a sex shop. We were looking for a toy with a diameter in between the one I have and the one he has. But there wasn't a lot of selection and we briefly described the problem to the clerk and I got shy. Surprisingly, Nerdboy, as shy and awkward as he is, was chatty with all the service people and clerks we had to deal with throughout the day. Huh! Anyways, we picked an unusual one with three blobby shapes in a row, so that we had different sizes to pick from.
Nerdboy is very no-nonsense when on a mission, and he definitely draws boundaries about how much he's willing to do for me, whether it's lending me stuff or talking to clerks about shoes.
He keeps casually talking about children though! "Oh that could be us" after we walked by a couple with a sleeping baby. "Oh if we had a teenager I'd tell him his mother waited until she was thirty" or "Why did you put on this song? Don't you know it's baby-making music?"
I don't know if he's trying to get me to talk him out of the vasectomy or it's just something he needs to share about imagining a long-term future with me. Anyways, it's making me upset. I know part of me does want a baby.
We're definitely already talking about living together six months to a year from now! He said, "yeah I know it's early but this is going so well."
We slept in this morning and I dozily told him we needed a time machine so he could seduce a younger me so we wouldn't have the sex problems. (I'm convinced that waiting so long has caused anxiety and repression and my brain hasn't used the pathways for pleasure enough.) He thought it would be better if a younger him met a younger me, which was an interesting discussion about where and who we both were at that time.
Anyways, this is jumping around a bit. I still have to admit to myself that the "llllllllllllllllloooooove" word is starting to be on the tip of my tongue, and that talking about children and living together and marriage is so surreal and overwhelming and thrilling. Someone wants to do that with me! I never ever thought it was a possibility.
He said, "You keep talking about how asexual a person you were, but I don't think it was me that lit that wonderful spark inside you."
And this evening we planned to each go to our respective houses to get some chores done, and instead we watched a movie and I just felt so full of gratitude for him in my life that I hugged him tight and kissed him over and over and well....things happened. We tried the 'push your penis against my panties' thing and that worked so well I pulled the ...gusset I think is the word... to the side and he actually got the tip in a little and it wasn't exactly comfortable but it wasn't bad and I didn't want him to stop but he got the new toy instead and that worked well.
And then I attempted to do oral sex on him and he said I did fine, I just need to keep doing it longer and build up speed. Blush!
and we are laughing a lot together and it's really quite amazing.
Saturday 24 August 2013
Happy and terrified
Well, every day is a new adventure.
I am spending the weekend with Nerdboy. He had to go into work so I am quickly writing down some little things that have happened.
After the conversation about blowjobs (I hate that word) he said he wanted to read me something.
(I had told him I am friends with a couple who read aloud to each other, and have been together for 17 years. I really wanted to try that and he jumped on the idea, and has picked out enough reading material for a lifetime. We're starting with Roald Dahl.)
The selection he read to me, however, was not suitable for children. It had a description of a BJ in it, I guess that's why he picked it, but it contained a graphic description of a fairly violent sex act.
I really don't know what he was thinking. I just sat there and he knew it hadn't gone over well. I didn't sleep over that night, I had planned to spend at least some time at the new place, but he wanted me to stay and sort of pouted. Then we made out anyways, then I had to run for the last night bus back to my place. At least we live close to each other.
In the morning I woke up thinking, "Did he read me a story about rape? Why did he do that?"
So I lay in bed thinking about my relationship with my own sexuality compared with Nerdboy's with his.
I resolved to talk about it with him.
The book was still on the table when I went back to his place that night. And he picked it up and talked about it. I told him it had made me uncomfortable and that associating violence and pain with sex is probably NOT HELPFUL right now for my problem. And I tried to talk to him about how little interest I had in sex for so long. He told me about losing his virginity (13!) and figuring out he liked both sexes and telling his parents. He said he's pretty open to any sex act or fetish but there's a few things he's said no to.
It took me a while but I finally spit out that I had looked at some porn just to see how this sex thing worked, but that reading something spicy, without pictures, worked a lot better for me. So we might add some erotic fiction to our sexy times.
I am so embarrassed to admit I have desires or want to try things.
So last night I slept over at his place and we didn't actually do sexy things hardly at all. He helped me move one last load of stuff and he was so tired he fell asleep while cuddling on the couch. I just lay there. He slept for a long time. He'd wake up long enough to mumble how nice it was and fall back asleep. His apartment is a loft and I said I wished it would rain. I could imagine us curled up in bed listening to the rain on the roof. I knew it would happen in the future and I was really happy and secure. And later it did start to rain hard, and we got up and had a midnight snack and went and stood on his balcony. We were only in our underwear, but it was dark. We just hugged and stroked each other's backs....and chests....and watched the rain and I was so unbelievable happy I kept burying my face in his neck, and then looking up at him and grinning.
I think my innocence appeals to him. Maybe it's the only thing he hasn't tried, maybe it makes him feel good to be the first one to do things with me. I am all blushes and modesty and then I say something cheeky. Mostly I just smile at him and say I can't believe this is happening. Sometimes my eyes fill with tears but he hasn't seen that yet.
I thought no one would ever want me but he says he loves me.
I am terrified when he talks of being with me forever. He says he doesn't care about penetration, but how can such a sexual person be satisfied with what my body and my prudishness are willing to do?
I am spending the weekend with Nerdboy. He had to go into work so I am quickly writing down some little things that have happened.
After the conversation about blowjobs (I hate that word) he said he wanted to read me something.
(I had told him I am friends with a couple who read aloud to each other, and have been together for 17 years. I really wanted to try that and he jumped on the idea, and has picked out enough reading material for a lifetime. We're starting with Roald Dahl.)
The selection he read to me, however, was not suitable for children. It had a description of a BJ in it, I guess that's why he picked it, but it contained a graphic description of a fairly violent sex act.
I really don't know what he was thinking. I just sat there and he knew it hadn't gone over well. I didn't sleep over that night, I had planned to spend at least some time at the new place, but he wanted me to stay and sort of pouted. Then we made out anyways, then I had to run for the last night bus back to my place. At least we live close to each other.
In the morning I woke up thinking, "Did he read me a story about rape? Why did he do that?"
So I lay in bed thinking about my relationship with my own sexuality compared with Nerdboy's with his.
I resolved to talk about it with him.
The book was still on the table when I went back to his place that night. And he picked it up and talked about it. I told him it had made me uncomfortable and that associating violence and pain with sex is probably NOT HELPFUL right now for my problem. And I tried to talk to him about how little interest I had in sex for so long. He told me about losing his virginity (13!) and figuring out he liked both sexes and telling his parents. He said he's pretty open to any sex act or fetish but there's a few things he's said no to.
It took me a while but I finally spit out that I had looked at some porn just to see how this sex thing worked, but that reading something spicy, without pictures, worked a lot better for me. So we might add some erotic fiction to our sexy times.
I am so embarrassed to admit I have desires or want to try things.
So last night I slept over at his place and we didn't actually do sexy things hardly at all. He helped me move one last load of stuff and he was so tired he fell asleep while cuddling on the couch. I just lay there. He slept for a long time. He'd wake up long enough to mumble how nice it was and fall back asleep. His apartment is a loft and I said I wished it would rain. I could imagine us curled up in bed listening to the rain on the roof. I knew it would happen in the future and I was really happy and secure. And later it did start to rain hard, and we got up and had a midnight snack and went and stood on his balcony. We were only in our underwear, but it was dark. We just hugged and stroked each other's backs....and chests....and watched the rain and I was so unbelievable happy I kept burying my face in his neck, and then looking up at him and grinning.
I think my innocence appeals to him. Maybe it's the only thing he hasn't tried, maybe it makes him feel good to be the first one to do things with me. I am all blushes and modesty and then I say something cheeky. Mostly I just smile at him and say I can't believe this is happening. Sometimes my eyes fill with tears but he hasn't seen that yet.
I thought no one would ever want me but he says he loves me.
I am terrified when he talks of being with me forever. He says he doesn't care about penetration, but how can such a sexual person be satisfied with what my body and my prudishness are willing to do?
Thursday 22 August 2013
he said it first
Slept at Nerdboy's house again. He gave me keys to his place and I let myself him after work. He was napping. I put on a babydoll pyjama top and was climbing onto his bed when he woke up. Clothes off for the rest of the evening.
This doesn't seem real.
I asked him about um...me giving him oral sex which lead to a ridiculous and awkward and funny conversation about how one actually does that and other kinky stuff I don't want to do and had actually never heard of. Not that he was pressuring me to do any of it, or had done it himself. He said he was proud of me for not freaking out and running out of the apartment.
At one point we were cuddling and I said 'I really like you'
He said 'I'm thinking of another 'L' word and I don't want to say it. I don't want to freak you out but I think I love you.'
I couldn't say it back but I felt light-headed.
Before bed we were both reading in bed and I felt really happy.
Side note: I wasn't sure what the etiquette was for letting the new roommate know I wasn't coming home, so I texted him (and said I'm not sure I even need to update you on this stuff). Today he said, yeah don't worry about it unless you need the outdoor light left on or something.
So then I'm embarrassed that I don't know how to live with roommates.
It's very weird living with this strange man. I like him, just not sure how much to interact.
Feeling very excited that I can do what I want and go where I want.
This doesn't seem real.
I asked him about um...me giving him oral sex which lead to a ridiculous and awkward and funny conversation about how one actually does that and other kinky stuff I don't want to do and had actually never heard of. Not that he was pressuring me to do any of it, or had done it himself. He said he was proud of me for not freaking out and running out of the apartment.
At one point we were cuddling and I said 'I really like you'
He said 'I'm thinking of another 'L' word and I don't want to say it. I don't want to freak you out but I think I love you.'
I couldn't say it back but I felt light-headed.
Before bed we were both reading in bed and I felt really happy.
Side note: I wasn't sure what the etiquette was for letting the new roommate know I wasn't coming home, so I texted him (and said I'm not sure I even need to update you on this stuff). Today he said, yeah don't worry about it unless you need the outdoor light left on or something.
So then I'm embarrassed that I don't know how to live with roommates.
It's very weird living with this strange man. I like him, just not sure how much to interact.
Feeling very excited that I can do what I want and go where I want.
Wednesday 21 August 2013
Baggage Examination
Nerdboy got a gold star yesterday for coming to Mom's house, cooking us dinner (I was supposed to but he arrived early and took over), enduring dinner with Mom, packing up all my books, taking apart my vintage bike, and helping me move everything into the new place.
Not sure why I deserve all that!
My roommate was out so we lay on my bed. I am really really uptight about doing the sexy things when other people are in the house, or could even guess that sex had taken place before they got home. So even though we were alone, I didn't feel like doing that stuff. And, it was time for talking anyways. Friend in the North kept bugging me to really talk to him about STDs (STIs, I think they're called now, in Canada anyways) and to find out what 'I have to talk to you about something at some point' was all about.
We just lay there face to face. I asked him questions about his birthday, middle name, etc. At one point he said he was distantly in line to a dukedom and I'd have to marry him and bear an heir. (Again, marriage jokes!) I kept frowning a little and he asked why and I spat out, 'I have to ask you about STDs'. He was tested a few months ago and everything was fine. He said yes, he'd had casual sex this year and was very careful but he went to the clinic to be sure. (Uh, great that you're careful, but so very different from how I live!)
Then he told me his thing. Ten years or so ago he'd been in an abusive relationship with a man. He had to go to the hospital, he wasn't clear but I think he had his jaw broken. Since then he hasn't had a boyfriend, or many male friends. He gets a bit uncomfortable being touched by strangers, especially if they approach from behind. He said he was okay with me touching him from the start, which was a notable exception. I remember hugging him the first meeting and him looking shocked, and then hugging back.
He said there might be bad days when even I won't be allowed to touch him.
So, I don't know how to relate to this or what it means for our relationship in the future. He's got such high hopes for me.
DO. NOT. WANT. TO. BE. RESPONSIBLE. FOR. SOMEONE. ELSE'S. HAPPINESS.
Also, how does casual sex fit into the 'no touching strangers' rule? I really don't get it.
Oh, and he'd been a sperm donor to his lesbian friends and now they have a daughter. They live on the other side of the world now. He doesn't consider her to be his child, but he would be the guardian if something happened to her parents. So his genes will carry on, even if he gets the vasectomy.
I swear, I can't make this stuff up. He assured me that was all the baggage on the table, and he doesn't have any more surprises for me.
I told him I guessed the thing he had to talk to me about involved joining a swinger's club because I was running out of subjects he'd hesitate to talk to me about. He thought that was funny and we actually had a nice conversation about monogamy and cheating.
He keeps telling me we're not as different as I think we are.
He is being amazingly sweet to me. Mildly awkward/embarrassing when meeting my family and friends, should I be concerned? (He has a tendency to make jokes about punishing stupid people/ misbehaving children quite harshly, and I don't find them funny.)
Anyways, we'll keep walking down this road and see where it goes.
Not sure why I deserve all that!
My roommate was out so we lay on my bed. I am really really uptight about doing the sexy things when other people are in the house, or could even guess that sex had taken place before they got home. So even though we were alone, I didn't feel like doing that stuff. And, it was time for talking anyways. Friend in the North kept bugging me to really talk to him about STDs (STIs, I think they're called now, in Canada anyways) and to find out what 'I have to talk to you about something at some point' was all about.
We just lay there face to face. I asked him questions about his birthday, middle name, etc. At one point he said he was distantly in line to a dukedom and I'd have to marry him and bear an heir. (Again, marriage jokes!) I kept frowning a little and he asked why and I spat out, 'I have to ask you about STDs'. He was tested a few months ago and everything was fine. He said yes, he'd had casual sex this year and was very careful but he went to the clinic to be sure. (Uh, great that you're careful, but so very different from how I live!)
Then he told me his thing. Ten years or so ago he'd been in an abusive relationship with a man. He had to go to the hospital, he wasn't clear but I think he had his jaw broken. Since then he hasn't had a boyfriend, or many male friends. He gets a bit uncomfortable being touched by strangers, especially if they approach from behind. He said he was okay with me touching him from the start, which was a notable exception. I remember hugging him the first meeting and him looking shocked, and then hugging back.
He said there might be bad days when even I won't be allowed to touch him.
So, I don't know how to relate to this or what it means for our relationship in the future. He's got such high hopes for me.
DO. NOT. WANT. TO. BE. RESPONSIBLE. FOR. SOMEONE. ELSE'S. HAPPINESS.
Also, how does casual sex fit into the 'no touching strangers' rule? I really don't get it.
Oh, and he'd been a sperm donor to his lesbian friends and now they have a daughter. They live on the other side of the world now. He doesn't consider her to be his child, but he would be the guardian if something happened to her parents. So his genes will carry on, even if he gets the vasectomy.
I swear, I can't make this stuff up. He assured me that was all the baggage on the table, and he doesn't have any more surprises for me.
I told him I guessed the thing he had to talk to me about involved joining a swinger's club because I was running out of subjects he'd hesitate to talk to me about. He thought that was funny and we actually had a nice conversation about monogamy and cheating.
He keeps telling me we're not as different as I think we are.
He is being amazingly sweet to me. Mildly awkward/embarrassing when meeting my family and friends, should I be concerned? (He has a tendency to make jokes about punishing stupid people/ misbehaving children quite harshly, and I don't find them funny.)
Anyways, we'll keep walking down this road and see where it goes.
Tuesday 20 August 2013
Opposite ends of the spectrum
So, I'm posting twice the same day. I went back to Nerdboy's house tonight, and we watched half a sitcom episode before clothes came off. I felt a bit of a ...slut, almost, for lack of a better word, going back to his house the same day for more sex. It's not even that I wanted it very much, I just wanted to see him and hoped we'd talk, FULLY CLOTHED, about the vasectomy, etc. But he can't stop touching me and it's nice and well, why fight it?
It was more of the same, I needn't go into details. Not quite as successful.
After, he asked if he could ask me personal questions. So I had to tell him I'd been single for a year and a bit, that I'd been with Walrus less than a year, and that I had indeed attempted intercourse. So, he quickly did the math and was silent. I said, 'I didn't want to tell you any of that.' Aaaaaaaand, found myself crying. All the shame of all those years of virginity swept over me. So then he had to tell me he didn't mind, and that when he saw me for the first time, he didn't think I could possibly be there to meet him because I was so pretty. And then he said, 'We both have things we don't want the other person to know. I've have a lot of partners, and I lost my virginity very young. Some people are uncomfortable with that.' I said, 'Please don't tell me the numbers. I had already figured out you have had a very different experience with sex than I have.' He went on about how he liked me for who I was and wanted to help me discover my sexual side, etc.
He said he was falling for me and wouldn't have me change for anything.
I bit my tongue from saying 'Well I still wish you weren't a man-whore'
I don't understand how this nerdy pale boy with hermit tendencies and a $400 replica light sabre can be so sexually active, with both sexes! And why he's picked me. And why I like him too.
Have I mentioned that my life is totally weird and I'm exhausted?
It was more of the same, I needn't go into details. Not quite as successful.
After, he asked if he could ask me personal questions. So I had to tell him I'd been single for a year and a bit, that I'd been with Walrus less than a year, and that I had indeed attempted intercourse. So, he quickly did the math and was silent. I said, 'I didn't want to tell you any of that.' Aaaaaaaand, found myself crying. All the shame of all those years of virginity swept over me. So then he had to tell me he didn't mind, and that when he saw me for the first time, he didn't think I could possibly be there to meet him because I was so pretty. And then he said, 'We both have things we don't want the other person to know. I've have a lot of partners, and I lost my virginity very young. Some people are uncomfortable with that.' I said, 'Please don't tell me the numbers. I had already figured out you have had a very different experience with sex than I have.' He went on about how he liked me for who I was and wanted to help me discover my sexual side, etc.
He said he was falling for me and wouldn't have me change for anything.
I bit my tongue from saying 'Well I still wish you weren't a man-whore'
I don't understand how this nerdy pale boy with hermit tendencies and a $400 replica light sabre can be so sexually active, with both sexes! And why he's picked me. And why I like him too.
Have I mentioned that my life is totally weird and I'm exhausted?
Monday 19 August 2013
Two in the bed
So, camp's over and after the wrap party later this week, I'll be back to being semi-employed. I have lots to work on! I have stuff at two houses right now, and I have to decide what stuff to keep.
So, feeling scatterbrained and wiped out by everything that's happened.
I stayed at Nerdboy's house last night.
I napped in his bed while he cooked. He put something in the oven and came to cuddle me. I had taken off my jeans for more comfortable sleeping.....so he got a little excited and everybody's clothes came off. We hadn't seen each other for a few days. He said he'd had a sexy dream about me. Mostly he did everything, because I really would have been fine with just napping, but heck, what he was doing felt pretty nice too. I had to tell him I don't....climax because he kept waiting for something to happen and it wasn't going to. Um. He performed oral sex on me, which was a first, and pretty darn awesome.
(oh, so many new things are happening....)
Then supper was ready and we walked around his apartment nearly naked and sat on his couch and ate, still naked. I blush one minute and instigate something the next... We talked, and at one point he joked we should just get married. He's a wee bit intense. He really likes me though, kept gazing at me adoringly.
I ate so much food I felt a bit gassy and I didn't want to mess around again because I was sure I would fart! So awkward. I knew he wanted to do more sexy stuff but I just stalled. Around 11pm we brushed our teeth and went to bed and I meant to just sleep but we got going again and we tried using my toy, which was embarrassing at first but got interesting. It's a confusing feeling, a little good but still hurts a little. He seemed to enjoy being involved and some frank conversations took place.
Uh, he's decided to get a vasectomy. I've indicated I don't really want children (complicated subject for me) and he doesn't. I'm not sure how much this decision has to do with me. I sorta don't want him to, or just to wait on it a bit more. He didn't even know I take birth control pills when he decided to do it. So, I had to explain about cysts and my probable fertility issues.
Anyways, then we went to sleep. Neither of us slept well, but it's nice having someone next to you, especially in the morning. And um, he still wanted more but I was feeling tender down there. Eventually we uh, found we were rubbing our respective parts together without penetration and this was pretty exciting for both of us.
He had to go to work. I showered with him, and this time it was me who kept teasing him....Who knew? I might have a sex life, at long last. This all feels like a dream. He kept saying how happy he was, and I am too, although I can't believe I'm with a bisexual man...
So, feeling scatterbrained and wiped out by everything that's happened.
I stayed at Nerdboy's house last night.
I napped in his bed while he cooked. He put something in the oven and came to cuddle me. I had taken off my jeans for more comfortable sleeping.....so he got a little excited and everybody's clothes came off. We hadn't seen each other for a few days. He said he'd had a sexy dream about me. Mostly he did everything, because I really would have been fine with just napping, but heck, what he was doing felt pretty nice too. I had to tell him I don't....climax because he kept waiting for something to happen and it wasn't going to. Um. He performed oral sex on me, which was a first, and pretty darn awesome.
(oh, so many new things are happening....)
Then supper was ready and we walked around his apartment nearly naked and sat on his couch and ate, still naked. I blush one minute and instigate something the next... We talked, and at one point he joked we should just get married. He's a wee bit intense. He really likes me though, kept gazing at me adoringly.
I ate so much food I felt a bit gassy and I didn't want to mess around again because I was sure I would fart! So awkward. I knew he wanted to do more sexy stuff but I just stalled. Around 11pm we brushed our teeth and went to bed and I meant to just sleep but we got going again and we tried using my toy, which was embarrassing at first but got interesting. It's a confusing feeling, a little good but still hurts a little. He seemed to enjoy being involved and some frank conversations took place.
Uh, he's decided to get a vasectomy. I've indicated I don't really want children (complicated subject for me) and he doesn't. I'm not sure how much this decision has to do with me. I sorta don't want him to, or just to wait on it a bit more. He didn't even know I take birth control pills when he decided to do it. So, I had to explain about cysts and my probable fertility issues.
Anyways, then we went to sleep. Neither of us slept well, but it's nice having someone next to you, especially in the morning. And um, he still wanted more but I was feeling tender down there. Eventually we uh, found we were rubbing our respective parts together without penetration and this was pretty exciting for both of us.
He had to go to work. I showered with him, and this time it was me who kept teasing him....Who knew? I might have a sex life, at long last. This all feels like a dream. He kept saying how happy he was, and I am too, although I can't believe I'm with a bisexual man...
Thursday 15 August 2013
Warning: Contains Nudity
So, today has been up and down.
I found out in the morning that a friend had passed away last night. I know him from volunteering at my favourite summer festival. He had a big personality and a weird sense of humour and he lived life his own way. I can't believe he's not in the world anymore.
And then Nerdboy got out of work early to help me move. I was sitting in my room trying to deal with all the stuff I own and thinking about my friend who passed. I was just ready to have a cry when Nerdboy showed up with food and a plan. We got my bed moved and all my clothes. We visited with my new roommate and his mother, who was visiting from out of town. She was great.
After, Nerdboy had plans with his cousin, but I didn't know what to do with myself for the evening, so I went to his house for a while, planning to leave when the cousin arrived.
No, backtracking in the story. Somewhere in there we went to get snacks and he commented on a poster for a sexy/fetish type event. Yeah, he used to go to those a bit, and also occasionally was in the 'drag' scene. No, I swear I'm not making this stuff up for good blog material. He's got a certain blandness about him so these revelations are surprising, and somehow not.
Um, anyways, we went to his house and napped on his bed and then I, yours truly, suggested spooning sans shirts. I wanted it to stop about there, but of course it didn't and we got down to underwear and touching and it was quite fun. Um. Um. I said I couldn't go further without a toy, and I kept trying to wind it down before the cousin showed up. Turns out he has a collection of toys (which we didn't use, he just showed me one) and he told me he enjoys giving his partner pleasure more than anything and really likes giving oral, which I haven't experienced. So, partly I can't figure out why he picked someone so vanilla when he's clearly explored many aspects of sexuality and partly I was relieved that he really wants to work on my problem with me and will actually enjoy it.
Oh, I met the cousin, after scrambling to put clothes back on, blush!
This is a short account of a very strange day. I'm at my mom's now and am heading back to the new place for my first night being moved out.
I found out in the morning that a friend had passed away last night. I know him from volunteering at my favourite summer festival. He had a big personality and a weird sense of humour and he lived life his own way. I can't believe he's not in the world anymore.
And then Nerdboy got out of work early to help me move. I was sitting in my room trying to deal with all the stuff I own and thinking about my friend who passed. I was just ready to have a cry when Nerdboy showed up with food and a plan. We got my bed moved and all my clothes. We visited with my new roommate and his mother, who was visiting from out of town. She was great.
After, Nerdboy had plans with his cousin, but I didn't know what to do with myself for the evening, so I went to his house for a while, planning to leave when the cousin arrived.
No, backtracking in the story. Somewhere in there we went to get snacks and he commented on a poster for a sexy/fetish type event. Yeah, he used to go to those a bit, and also occasionally was in the 'drag' scene. No, I swear I'm not making this stuff up for good blog material. He's got a certain blandness about him so these revelations are surprising, and somehow not.
Um, anyways, we went to his house and napped on his bed and then I, yours truly, suggested spooning sans shirts. I wanted it to stop about there, but of course it didn't and we got down to underwear and touching and it was quite fun. Um. Um. I said I couldn't go further without a toy, and I kept trying to wind it down before the cousin showed up. Turns out he has a collection of toys (which we didn't use, he just showed me one) and he told me he enjoys giving his partner pleasure more than anything and really likes giving oral, which I haven't experienced. So, partly I can't figure out why he picked someone so vanilla when he's clearly explored many aspects of sexuality and partly I was relieved that he really wants to work on my problem with me and will actually enjoy it.
Oh, I met the cousin, after scrambling to put clothes back on, blush!
This is a short account of a very strange day. I'm at my mom's now and am heading back to the new place for my first night being moved out.
Monday 12 August 2013
One awkward talk down, one to go?
There was a lot of texting going on this week between me and the guy. The guy, the guy...he needs a name. Lip-ring? Not-my-type? Giggles? Nerdboy? All so very positive. I was trying to think what animal he'd be, since I called the last one Walrus. (I'd be a rabbit, if anyone was curious.)
So, thanks to the infinite time wasting black hole of the internet, I found an animal personality test and it said he was a Porcupine. Vegetarian, but a little defensive.
I think he'll just be Nerdboy.
Ok, back to my story.
He asked me if I was okay with him taking a short lucrative contract with an evil earth-killing company, which of course I am not, but didn't feel comfortable swaying his choice after... four whole dates.
Later that day he said he was going to tell his parents about me and that they'd want to meet me. I said something like, 'Wow, we're dating and I'm not freaking out' which let him say more about how much he likes me. He said he wasn't nervous around me anymore. I said it was my turn to be nervous as there was an awkward talk coming up. He said he had something he had to talk to me about as well. This was...Thursday evening I believe. We agreed to discuss in person on Monday.
I borrowed his sweater and told him I wanted to take it to camp with me, and he really liked that.
Friday there was more banter, but at one point Nerdboy texted 'Is it that you want me to fill you with my babies?' which grossed me out no end. I just said, 'Ignoring that one' and he said 'See, that's why I like you.'
Sigh. I have no idea if he was joking or genuinely trying to be sexy. I was at camp and I've told him I don't answer my phone while I'm there (which isn't true, but bought me some time), so the conversation stopped there. Late that night he sent a sweet (if needy) text about how he was thinking of me wearing his sweater and how happy he was that he met me.....
Having someone who likes me is a novelty I cannot resist.
So on Sunday I asked him to a movie. I wanted to see him, but felt like going to his place was a bad idea. (Tip: Elysium is pretty dumb, save your money.) And he only ever wants to cook me food and cuddle, I think we should get out and do things. A movie was my idea of a 'normal' date!
Anyways, afterwards he did invite me to his house but I declined. I said I wanted to get the talk over with and I must have looked miserably determined. We went for a short walk and there was small talk while I tried to spit it out. Finally I told him, 'sex is painful for me, I can't relax.' And he had heard of this problem..apparently the people he hangs out with are very frank about discussing sexual matters. Anyways, I gave a quick outline of what had been tried. He seemed unconcerned, just said, 'Well, we can do other things.' I explained that there was a toy, and that the last boyfriend hadn't been comfortable with it. He said he was fine with women using toys, and said he'd mostly dated women who identified as bi-sexual since there was common ground... Yeah, I guess I'm okay with the bisexuality thing but constantly reminded this is someone who's had a very different experience with sex than I have. How has he had so many partners and yet is so awkward?
He was really sweet about my confession. I kinda thought he would be. Actually he confessed he worried all weekend I was going to give him the brush-off.
But he didn't tell me whatever he had to tell me. What is it? A medical problem, a fetish? I hope I can handle it
So. I guess I'm pretty close to having a boyfriend, and I'm totally surprised by how this is turning out.
So, thanks to the infinite time wasting black hole of the internet, I found an animal personality test and it said he was a Porcupine. Vegetarian, but a little defensive.
I think he'll just be Nerdboy.
Ok, back to my story.
He asked me if I was okay with him taking a short lucrative contract with an evil earth-killing company, which of course I am not, but didn't feel comfortable swaying his choice after... four whole dates.
Later that day he said he was going to tell his parents about me and that they'd want to meet me. I said something like, 'Wow, we're dating and I'm not freaking out' which let him say more about how much he likes me. He said he wasn't nervous around me anymore. I said it was my turn to be nervous as there was an awkward talk coming up. He said he had something he had to talk to me about as well. This was...Thursday evening I believe. We agreed to discuss in person on Monday.
I borrowed his sweater and told him I wanted to take it to camp with me, and he really liked that.
Friday there was more banter, but at one point Nerdboy texted 'Is it that you want me to fill you with my babies?' which grossed me out no end. I just said, 'Ignoring that one' and he said 'See, that's why I like you.'
Sigh. I have no idea if he was joking or genuinely trying to be sexy. I was at camp and I've told him I don't answer my phone while I'm there (which isn't true, but bought me some time), so the conversation stopped there. Late that night he sent a sweet (if needy) text about how he was thinking of me wearing his sweater and how happy he was that he met me.....
Having someone who likes me is a novelty I cannot resist.
So on Sunday I asked him to a movie. I wanted to see him, but felt like going to his place was a bad idea. (Tip: Elysium is pretty dumb, save your money.) And he only ever wants to cook me food and cuddle, I think we should get out and do things. A movie was my idea of a 'normal' date!
Anyways, afterwards he did invite me to his house but I declined. I said I wanted to get the talk over with and I must have looked miserably determined. We went for a short walk and there was small talk while I tried to spit it out. Finally I told him, 'sex is painful for me, I can't relax.' And he had heard of this problem..apparently the people he hangs out with are very frank about discussing sexual matters. Anyways, I gave a quick outline of what had been tried. He seemed unconcerned, just said, 'Well, we can do other things.' I explained that there was a toy, and that the last boyfriend hadn't been comfortable with it. He said he was fine with women using toys, and said he'd mostly dated women who identified as bi-sexual since there was common ground... Yeah, I guess I'm okay with the bisexuality thing but constantly reminded this is someone who's had a very different experience with sex than I have. How has he had so many partners and yet is so awkward?
He was really sweet about my confession. I kinda thought he would be. Actually he confessed he worried all weekend I was going to give him the brush-off.
But he didn't tell me whatever he had to tell me. What is it? A medical problem, a fetish? I hope I can handle it
So. I guess I'm pretty close to having a boyfriend, and I'm totally surprised by how this is turning out.
Thursday 8 August 2013
That escalated quickly...
Ok, it's not like I slept with him, but you have three dates and suddenly, it's a 'thing'. The beginnings of a relationship and it's sooooo weird.
I saw him (nameless him....what shall I call him?) again last night. The plan was supposed to be eating leftovers from the date two nights previous, and watching videos. Very low-key, as I am exhausted by my never-ending schedule.
He had cooked a new dinner, the same dish again, said he'd taken the leftovers to work. Weirdo! I didn't want him to go to any trouble, and if he was going to cook, why not try a new dish? Anyways, we ate and watched TV but it was so hot in his apartment I didn't want to cuddle.
I had been thinking about cuddling for two whole days...My brain just kept visualizing if his couch would accommodate spooning or not.
So, I was disappointed and felt things weren't going well. I didn't know what to say to him. I suggested we go to a park, we took a board game. It was actually quite fun. We both won once. We talked a bit about online dating- I wasn't really actively doing anything with it, just had the profile up for the occasional browse. He said he'd almost given up when he found me, said it was the best dating experience he'd had in a while, mentioned kicking someone out of his apartment a few weeks back (what?) ...
Anyways, he's made it more than clear that he likes me. He said I was 'beautiful and awkward in a very honest way', which is a bit of a weird compliment but I decided I liked it.
During the board game he joked about me meeting his parents. Oh, and mentioned that his brother had married an Eleanor as well, which is weeeeeeeeird.
It got dark and we went back to his apartment for cake. It was ten o'clock and I was overcome by tiredness. He's a night owl so he wanted to talk ("Whatcha thinking about?") and I just mumbled something about how I'd wanted to cuddle all day. He stuttered something, and finally it came out, 'This is not a devious proposition, but what if we moved to my bed for more comfortable cuddling.'
I considered this suggestion. "Spooning?"
'Yes'.
" Okay"
He has a tall loft bed, just a few feet from the couch in his tiny flat. We both clambered up. (Clamber is a funny word.) And we spooned. And it felt very nice. Except I just wanted to lie there and he was really excited I was in his bed, I suppose, for he kept moving his hands around and touching my hair, my cheek, my side...not anything more provocative than that. After a long while I took his hand and placed it over my breast (we were both fully dressed). Perhaps it's a quirk of mine, but that's where I like the Big Spoon's hand to rest when spooning. I thought we could just lie quietly but he took that as sign to go ahead and started kissing me, which quite frankly, I liked, but it was late and I needed to get home. He said he wished he could keep me for the night. More kissing, but eventually I got down off the big bed. He walked me to transit. I told him about Walrus, briefly, obscuring some details. Some discussion of what we wanted in a relationship.
He's several steps ahead of me. He used the word 'boyfriend.' At one point I said I didn't understand why people got married and he just gave me a sheepish grin.
On the way home I discovered Walrus had been texting me that he was feeling down, and when I didn't answer he went on about how I "didn't care about his problems and rightfully so." Goddamn bloody passive-aggressive feeling sorry for himself. I can hardly tell him what I was doing at the moment he was texting me! (blush)
I tried to talk to him this morning. He said he wanted interaction, companionship. I told him to join a club or volunteer. End of conversation. Ugh!
Anyways. I used the word 'weird' a lot in this post.
I saw him (nameless him....what shall I call him?) again last night. The plan was supposed to be eating leftovers from the date two nights previous, and watching videos. Very low-key, as I am exhausted by my never-ending schedule.
He had cooked a new dinner, the same dish again, said he'd taken the leftovers to work. Weirdo! I didn't want him to go to any trouble, and if he was going to cook, why not try a new dish? Anyways, we ate and watched TV but it was so hot in his apartment I didn't want to cuddle.
I had been thinking about cuddling for two whole days...My brain just kept visualizing if his couch would accommodate spooning or not.
So, I was disappointed and felt things weren't going well. I didn't know what to say to him. I suggested we go to a park, we took a board game. It was actually quite fun. We both won once. We talked a bit about online dating- I wasn't really actively doing anything with it, just had the profile up for the occasional browse. He said he'd almost given up when he found me, said it was the best dating experience he'd had in a while, mentioned kicking someone out of his apartment a few weeks back (what?) ...
Anyways, he's made it more than clear that he likes me. He said I was 'beautiful and awkward in a very honest way', which is a bit of a weird compliment but I decided I liked it.
During the board game he joked about me meeting his parents. Oh, and mentioned that his brother had married an Eleanor as well, which is weeeeeeeeird.
It got dark and we went back to his apartment for cake. It was ten o'clock and I was overcome by tiredness. He's a night owl so he wanted to talk ("Whatcha thinking about?") and I just mumbled something about how I'd wanted to cuddle all day. He stuttered something, and finally it came out, 'This is not a devious proposition, but what if we moved to my bed for more comfortable cuddling.'
I considered this suggestion. "Spooning?"
'Yes'.
" Okay"
He has a tall loft bed, just a few feet from the couch in his tiny flat. We both clambered up. (Clamber is a funny word.) And we spooned. And it felt very nice. Except I just wanted to lie there and he was really excited I was in his bed, I suppose, for he kept moving his hands around and touching my hair, my cheek, my side...not anything more provocative than that. After a long while I took his hand and placed it over my breast (we were both fully dressed). Perhaps it's a quirk of mine, but that's where I like the Big Spoon's hand to rest when spooning. I thought we could just lie quietly but he took that as sign to go ahead and started kissing me, which quite frankly, I liked, but it was late and I needed to get home. He said he wished he could keep me for the night. More kissing, but eventually I got down off the big bed. He walked me to transit. I told him about Walrus, briefly, obscuring some details. Some discussion of what we wanted in a relationship.
He's several steps ahead of me. He used the word 'boyfriend.' At one point I said I didn't understand why people got married and he just gave me a sheepish grin.
On the way home I discovered Walrus had been texting me that he was feeling down, and when I didn't answer he went on about how I "didn't care about his problems and rightfully so." Goddamn bloody passive-aggressive feeling sorry for himself. I can hardly tell him what I was doing at the moment he was texting me! (blush)
I tried to talk to him this morning. He said he wanted interaction, companionship. I told him to join a club or volunteer. End of conversation. Ugh!
Anyways. I used the word 'weird' a lot in this post.
Tuesday 6 August 2013
Another flip-flop
So I saw that guy again last night. He needs a nickname. Ummmm....I can't think of one so it's 'he' all the way through this. Sorry.
He wanted to cook me dinner and watch Doctor Who at his place. I told him I was uncomfortable with that. I suggested a bike ride after dinner instead of watching the show. He agreed, and said I needn't worry, he just wanted to cook for me and get to know me and maybe kiss me. I said I felt like he'd be waiting for clues from me to see how much physical contact there was going to be, and there was no way I was going to relax the whole time...
(this was all by text. sigh.)
Anyways, I went, and I took my bike. I am learning to ride again, and it's been a month since I've been on it. I had to take it on transit most of the way, and then I tried to ride the last few blocks to his house, and panicked because I'd never ridden on the street before. Arrived completely sweaty and shaky. Gave him a little kiss and tried to clean myself up in his bathroom.
He was making my favourite dish, and it was in the oven. So we were awkward for a bit, and then ended up on the couch looking at pictures of the hike he'd recently done, and then... holding hands and leaning on each other and kissing a little. It was so weird, because I kept looking around his apartment and seeing all his nerdboy stuff and not really feeling he was the person I'd pick for myself, and yet there was sweetness in the way he was touching me and goddamnit, I'm almost 32 and he's the second man I've kissed! So I went along with things, not really sure of what I was doing. Somebody wanted to cuddle me and my brain turned off a little.
Dinner was good, very filling. Conversation was fairly light. I was feeling too full to get on a bike, and it was still a warm evening, so we watched an episode of Doctor Who anyways, and I put my head on his shoulder. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, but I can't say I didn't like it.
So then it was time for the bike ride, and he put air in my tires and adjusted my bike for me. I was ridiculous, stopping all the time, wobbling, panicking....but he was so supportive and gentle. I had sorta planned that bike riding would put me at a disadvantage and he wouldn't have to be so nervous. Well it worked. I made a fool of myself and he shone. And it was a hot summer's night and everybody was out walking and biking and they cheered me on too... We biked for about an hour. I was again a sweaty shaky mess, but proud of myself.
And there was kissing all along the way, and then we went back to his apartment for a Tardis cake (we are such nerds!) he'd made me, but my poor body couldn't handle it after the bike ride so we just cuddled. At that point brain and body had had more than they could take, and had decided to switch completely off. I was feeling pretty comfortable. And then finally there was real conversation, although I can't remember how it started. I said he didn't seem to like himself on the last date. He said he had a complicated relationship with himself and struggled with depression a bit but he knew how to get himself out of it now, and that he'd gone to a psychiatrist for four years until he/she moved away. And I told him I'd been to counselling for a bit as well. And we talked about my environmental beliefs and he said he worried he wasn't what I wanted but he was willing to try and he thought it would be good for him. I said something about being overwhelmed with everything that was going on, moving out and suchlike, and he said we'd just take it slow and if he wasn't the guy for me, so be it.
At this point we'd been together for more than 5 hours and I was so tired, it felt like I was dreaming. I hope what I remember is what was really said.
In short, he was completely sweet the whole time, it felt wonderful to be held, there was a sort of chasteness about the kisses, although we did sort of try real kisses, they didn't seem to work. I'm completely thrown off by the lip ring. I'm still worried he could turn out to be needy or that he won't live up to my high expectations, but by the end of the evening I was more than willing to see him again.
How weird this is. How weird is my whole life.
He wanted to cook me dinner and watch Doctor Who at his place. I told him I was uncomfortable with that. I suggested a bike ride after dinner instead of watching the show. He agreed, and said I needn't worry, he just wanted to cook for me and get to know me and maybe kiss me. I said I felt like he'd be waiting for clues from me to see how much physical contact there was going to be, and there was no way I was going to relax the whole time...
(this was all by text. sigh.)
Anyways, I went, and I took my bike. I am learning to ride again, and it's been a month since I've been on it. I had to take it on transit most of the way, and then I tried to ride the last few blocks to his house, and panicked because I'd never ridden on the street before. Arrived completely sweaty and shaky. Gave him a little kiss and tried to clean myself up in his bathroom.
He was making my favourite dish, and it was in the oven. So we were awkward for a bit, and then ended up on the couch looking at pictures of the hike he'd recently done, and then... holding hands and leaning on each other and kissing a little. It was so weird, because I kept looking around his apartment and seeing all his nerdboy stuff and not really feeling he was the person I'd pick for myself, and yet there was sweetness in the way he was touching me and goddamnit, I'm almost 32 and he's the second man I've kissed! So I went along with things, not really sure of what I was doing. Somebody wanted to cuddle me and my brain turned off a little.
Dinner was good, very filling. Conversation was fairly light. I was feeling too full to get on a bike, and it was still a warm evening, so we watched an episode of Doctor Who anyways, and I put my head on his shoulder. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, but I can't say I didn't like it.
So then it was time for the bike ride, and he put air in my tires and adjusted my bike for me. I was ridiculous, stopping all the time, wobbling, panicking....but he was so supportive and gentle. I had sorta planned that bike riding would put me at a disadvantage and he wouldn't have to be so nervous. Well it worked. I made a fool of myself and he shone. And it was a hot summer's night and everybody was out walking and biking and they cheered me on too... We biked for about an hour. I was again a sweaty shaky mess, but proud of myself.
And there was kissing all along the way, and then we went back to his apartment for a Tardis cake (we are such nerds!) he'd made me, but my poor body couldn't handle it after the bike ride so we just cuddled. At that point brain and body had had more than they could take, and had decided to switch completely off. I was feeling pretty comfortable. And then finally there was real conversation, although I can't remember how it started. I said he didn't seem to like himself on the last date. He said he had a complicated relationship with himself and struggled with depression a bit but he knew how to get himself out of it now, and that he'd gone to a psychiatrist for four years until he/she moved away. And I told him I'd been to counselling for a bit as well. And we talked about my environmental beliefs and he said he worried he wasn't what I wanted but he was willing to try and he thought it would be good for him. I said something about being overwhelmed with everything that was going on, moving out and suchlike, and he said we'd just take it slow and if he wasn't the guy for me, so be it.
At this point we'd been together for more than 5 hours and I was so tired, it felt like I was dreaming. I hope what I remember is what was really said.
In short, he was completely sweet the whole time, it felt wonderful to be held, there was a sort of chasteness about the kisses, although we did sort of try real kisses, they didn't seem to work. I'm completely thrown off by the lip ring. I'm still worried he could turn out to be needy or that he won't live up to my high expectations, but by the end of the evening I was more than willing to see him again.
How weird this is. How weird is my whole life.
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