Sarah Vaughan sings 'Lover Man'
A song for all those who are still waiting....Sometimes it feels like it was written for me.
(tried to embed the video...not sure how to do it.)
For the last two nights I've cried myself to sleep. Not sure why, or how to get out of this mood. I think I'm just frustrated with everything. Still just treading water...
I think I had the idea that the universe would even things out for me; since I waited so long, my first romance would be a good one. It didn't happen that way.
Observations from others:
#1 I went to visit my friend the art teacher. I used to volunteer in her classroom. For some reason she's the sort of person you just tell everything too. She deals with teenagers all day long, and she's been teaching for 20 years. She's heard everything. She said 'of course he's still talking to you. You're you. You're so loyal.'
I'm not sure how she identified me as loyal from the Walrus situation sketched out to her in a few sentences. As I was leaving, she told me, 'Date again. Get out there!'
#2 My friend in the north called me and I told her the backrub story and that I was crying a lot. She said I'd done a lot of work on myself this year, torn down some walls and it's no wonder I'm raw. She said I just have to be raw for a while. Great.
Then we talked about if I were to date again, what would happen to the friendship with Walrus? Would I expect the next guy to be understanding about it, or would the friendship have to end? She said you have to choose the new relationship over the old. Then she questioned my motivations for staying friends with Walrus. 'Guilt', she said. 'It's always guilt if I keep them in my life.'
Anyways, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. There's a lot of obstacles between here and there already.
I did get an OKC message that was quite nice and replied to it and then never heard anything. It's been a week.
But the crying.....Here's the thing in a nutshell. I waited so long to be held, to hear that I was beautiful, and when it finally happened, I couldn't believe how nice it felt. So yes, some protective walls came down. But it didn't last, and I don't trust that something better is coming for me. If broken old Walrus didn't even want me...
I know what I have to do. Exercise, clean, get a part-time job, draw and go out and see people and try things. Stay busy and get things done and the depression won't have anything to feed on.
How do you get yourself out of a funk?
Happy Halloween, by the way.
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Saturday 27 October 2012
A Grey Area, now defined
I'm sure you're tired of hearing about me being wishy-washy about Walrus. (Alliteration! How fun.) Hopefully this is the end of all that. That door is shut.
Last night I went with my friend from choir (previously mentioned as the hostess of a ladies only party and the other half of a spill-yer-guts conversation. We'll call her Meg) to hear a band she was obsessed with. She and her husband bought tickets, but then won two more. They offered to split the cost four ways if I wanted to bring a friend. Since I was supposed to help Walrus with his Halloween costume that afternoon, I invited him. He slept all afternoon, so we didn't do the costume thing....
The concert was at a little hipster restaurant/bar in the bad part of town. Meg and Cam (her hubby) ordered drinks so I had a Brown Cow. Walrus came late and had a beer. Cam paid for the round of drinks, even though they'd already split the price of the tickets with us, when they could have taken the free ones.
We sat ladies on one side of the table, men on the other. Walrus reached across the table and rubbed my elbow. "You look nice in that sweater."
Walrus and Cam got along well and chatted together. I just tried to take it all in. I was a little on edge.
I don't do well with bars, the loudness, the hipsterness, the drinking, the amount of money being spent that I wasn't contributing to... but I really like Meg and she was so happy we'd came. Walrus was happy to be out on a Friday night; it's the kind of lifestyle he's used to.
It happened that M and C left the table and Walrus and I were left alone together. I moved to sit next to him. He said "tell me a story" and I told him about my day. While I was talking he started rubbing my back, leaning into me.
I said 'What are you doing?'
'Rubbing your back'
I said very quietly, 'What do you want from me?'
He said 'Nothing' and I took his hand off of me. Then he just stared ahead and I felt bad for him and gave him a one armed hug and we continued the conversation. But for the rest of the night I wasn't sure what to do and kept my distance.
Cam invited Walrus out to smoke a joint with him, and he accepted the offer. I saw Cam whisper to him and figured out what was up when Walrus put on his jacket. I asked him where he was going and he said 'to make another life decision.' I was annoyed, but didn't really think it was my business. I thought he was just trying to look cool to Cam. He'd already told me pot had no effect on him.
While they were gone I told Meg what had happened. "Trying to rekindle the romance, eh? He needs to talk to you."
M and C loved the band and got right up close to the stage. Walrus needed to sit and played with his phone at our table in the corner. I drifted back and forth. It was much too loud for me up front. I would have rather sat and observed from the back, but I wanted to show our hosts I liked it, and Walrus wasn't really good company anyways.
I did try to start some conversation but it was really loud. At the end of the night I asked if he'd had fun and he said 'It was okay. It's Friday night, you gotta get out.'
Anyways, today I decided we were going to talk about it and I texted him. After some small talk, I finally spit it out. I said the backrub made me uncomfortable, that it was too intimate a gesture from a friend, and if the 'friends' situation were to change, we would have to talk about it first.
I was surprisingly open to considering a reconciliation, or maybe just open to hearing him say he missed me. Yes, I know how dumb that is. I'm just reporting, as accurately as I can, my mindset. There was still that hope, that I was loved, that my loyalty was recognized....
Anyways, he didn't ask for me back. He apologized and said his actions were inappropriate and thoughtless.
I said," Is the friendship working? Do we have to see less of each other?"
He said he was comfortable with how things were. I said fine, but we'll want to date other people. He said 'Granted'
So that's the agreement. I feel better that it's defined.
My eyes were watering the whole time like crazy.
Part of me hoped to hear something else from him, but mostly I'm relieved, because I don't know how we could have made it work. And I feel like I can date without guilt, although when it actually happens there might be some mixed emotions, all perfectly normal I'm sure.
So. There you go. If I'm making mistakes, maybe I just have to make them.
Monday 22 October 2012
Odds n' Ends
Last night I couldn't sleep. I started crying because it was cold and I missed having Walrus in bed with me. He used to spoon me and kiss me between the shoulder blades. At least he was good for something.
And then I started crying because I've never been in love. I think I have been loved, but I have never loved anybody. Never believed in anybody enough. I would really like to find somebody worthy and to try to be worthy of them.
I think I've stopped trying to imagine my dream guy but I do imagine what a good relationship would be like. Easy and comfortable, first of all. He wouldn't have to be interested in my art, necessarily, but he'd have to give me room to do it. I long for some sort of deep connection. I want us to talk late into the night, to undress each other's brains, as it were. And after a while, we would just 'get' each other. I waffle a bit when I have to make a decision, and sometimes I want to talk it out, even when deep inside, I've already decided. He would listen, and then kiss me and say 'Go be awesome'
Ok maybe he won't be as perfect as all that. But he'd be mine and I'd be his.
Gawd this makes me weepy.
My friend Amy -I work with her sometimes so she's sorta my boss- wrote to me today about some business stuff, and gave me an update. In the summer she was juggling three boys and wondering what to do. She picked one (the one I thought sounded best) and she's really happy. She said it was like a 'dream relationship'- really easy and fun and great communication.
I'm not really doing internet dating right now. I look at it every so often but no one's caught my attention and I rarely get messages. There is someone who's a 98% match for me but he lives an hour's drive away. That's not that far...except that it happens to be on the other side of the American border! Anyways, I noticed that he's looked at my profile a few times. I might just daydream about him for something to do....
I'd really really rather not meet someone on the internet, especially not from another country! I would be so thrilled to meet someone 'in real life'. What a weird phrase.
In other news, I'm just starting to draw a little. This is progress. I thought about high-school me, always carrying a sketchbook, doodles all over every piece of schoolwork...I spent my spare block in the library copying old master drawings. I don't want all that time I put in to go to waste. And it needs to be second nature to me again, to be creating all the time, if I ever want to make stuff I'm proud of.
I'm still reading that Quiet book. It's about introverts. It says that studies have shown babies who react strongly to loud noises grow up to be introverts. They are classified as 'highly reactive'. They are more sensitive to their environment, and perhaps more fearful. Then there's 'Highly Sensitive' people...I'm not quite sure where introversion and high sensitivity overlap...Anyways, you'll have to read the book to really get clear definitions.
But research seems to say that introverts and HSPs not only react to loud noises more than other people, they may be more sensitive in taste, smell and visual perception. They can notice subtle differences between two similar images when most people assume they're identical and stop looking. They are more empathetic. They feel a deeper sense of guilt, and have a strong sense of conscience. They even seem to think differently, more deeply than the average person even in simple tasks (like comparing the two pictures, as described above.) The book said 'No wonder they're bored by small talk!"
My therapist told me once I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was 'just sensitive'.
So self-proclaiming myself a HSP feels great! I feel more than other people! I see more, taste more, care more, and try harder to do the right thing. But I actually thought to myself as I read this chapter, 'Other people are morons!' Shhhhhh, don't tell anybody I said that. It's not nice, and I'm not sure it's helpful. But I was trying to imagine what life was like for a lot of other people. Maybe like having ear muffs and blinders on....All sensations slightly dulled. Maybe like being wrapped in protective padding. People go around not getting hurt, and expect others to be similarly thick-skinned. But I don't have it, and I get crushed....and they have no idea.
Do you know dogs? My family are dog people, so this was how I described it to myself. Labrador retrievers are 'touch-insensitive'. They were bred to crash through the bush or swim in cold water to retrieve ducks that hunters have shot down. They are lovely, obedient, good-natured dogs, but they are a bit dumb. They don't solve problems, they just crash through them.
Border collies were bred to herd sheep. They are slightly built, nimble and quick. They are always alert. They watch their owner almost as closely as they watch sheep. They are ready to react to the slightest movement of the sheep, or the soft whistle of the farmer. My sister has a border collie, and it trembles when it hears dishes clatter in the kitchen. It understands quite complex things and 'tattles' when other dogs break the rules (like when my dog left the yard, for example.)
I don't know if this "Highly Sensitive Person' classification will stand up to further research, but for the moment I'll secretly feel smug. I don't think I'd choose to experience the world differently than I do, even if it meant I felt less pain.
And then I started crying because I've never been in love. I think I have been loved, but I have never loved anybody. Never believed in anybody enough. I would really like to find somebody worthy and to try to be worthy of them.
I think I've stopped trying to imagine my dream guy but I do imagine what a good relationship would be like. Easy and comfortable, first of all. He wouldn't have to be interested in my art, necessarily, but he'd have to give me room to do it. I long for some sort of deep connection. I want us to talk late into the night, to undress each other's brains, as it were. And after a while, we would just 'get' each other. I waffle a bit when I have to make a decision, and sometimes I want to talk it out, even when deep inside, I've already decided. He would listen, and then kiss me and say 'Go be awesome'
Ok maybe he won't be as perfect as all that. But he'd be mine and I'd be his.
Gawd this makes me weepy.
My friend Amy -I work with her sometimes so she's sorta my boss- wrote to me today about some business stuff, and gave me an update. In the summer she was juggling three boys and wondering what to do. She picked one (the one I thought sounded best) and she's really happy. She said it was like a 'dream relationship'- really easy and fun and great communication.
I'm not really doing internet dating right now. I look at it every so often but no one's caught my attention and I rarely get messages. There is someone who's a 98% match for me but he lives an hour's drive away. That's not that far...except that it happens to be on the other side of the American border! Anyways, I noticed that he's looked at my profile a few times. I might just daydream about him for something to do....
I'd really really rather not meet someone on the internet, especially not from another country! I would be so thrilled to meet someone 'in real life'. What a weird phrase.
In other news, I'm just starting to draw a little. This is progress. I thought about high-school me, always carrying a sketchbook, doodles all over every piece of schoolwork...I spent my spare block in the library copying old master drawings. I don't want all that time I put in to go to waste. And it needs to be second nature to me again, to be creating all the time, if I ever want to make stuff I'm proud of.
I'm still reading that Quiet book. It's about introverts. It says that studies have shown babies who react strongly to loud noises grow up to be introverts. They are classified as 'highly reactive'. They are more sensitive to their environment, and perhaps more fearful. Then there's 'Highly Sensitive' people...I'm not quite sure where introversion and high sensitivity overlap...Anyways, you'll have to read the book to really get clear definitions.
But research seems to say that introverts and HSPs not only react to loud noises more than other people, they may be more sensitive in taste, smell and visual perception. They can notice subtle differences between two similar images when most people assume they're identical and stop looking. They are more empathetic. They feel a deeper sense of guilt, and have a strong sense of conscience. They even seem to think differently, more deeply than the average person even in simple tasks (like comparing the two pictures, as described above.) The book said 'No wonder they're bored by small talk!"
My therapist told me once I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was 'just sensitive'.
So self-proclaiming myself a HSP feels great! I feel more than other people! I see more, taste more, care more, and try harder to do the right thing. But I actually thought to myself as I read this chapter, 'Other people are morons!' Shhhhhh, don't tell anybody I said that. It's not nice, and I'm not sure it's helpful. But I was trying to imagine what life was like for a lot of other people. Maybe like having ear muffs and blinders on....All sensations slightly dulled. Maybe like being wrapped in protective padding. People go around not getting hurt, and expect others to be similarly thick-skinned. But I don't have it, and I get crushed....and they have no idea.
Do you know dogs? My family are dog people, so this was how I described it to myself. Labrador retrievers are 'touch-insensitive'. They were bred to crash through the bush or swim in cold water to retrieve ducks that hunters have shot down. They are lovely, obedient, good-natured dogs, but they are a bit dumb. They don't solve problems, they just crash through them.
Border collies were bred to herd sheep. They are slightly built, nimble and quick. They are always alert. They watch their owner almost as closely as they watch sheep. They are ready to react to the slightest movement of the sheep, or the soft whistle of the farmer. My sister has a border collie, and it trembles when it hears dishes clatter in the kitchen. It understands quite complex things and 'tattles' when other dogs break the rules (like when my dog left the yard, for example.)
I don't know if this "Highly Sensitive Person' classification will stand up to further research, but for the moment I'll secretly feel smug. I don't think I'd choose to experience the world differently than I do, even if it meant I felt less pain.
Friday 19 October 2012
Typing Out Loud
If you read this blog for just the dating stuff, I'm still as celibate as ever. This post is about the rest of my life, 'cause I need to think.
I'm actually in a fairly good mood, and wanting to Take Action and Start Lots of Projects! Who knows when I'll crash again so I might as well use this energy and get something done. Getting stuff done has the nice effect of keeping the mood up, because I feel capable and efficient!
My sister advised me to just get a job, any job. It's almost Christmas and there will be seasonal work in retail. Ugh! I hate consumerism, commercialism and plastic bags, but perhaps I can find something I can stand for 3 months. I've also put in a few applications for jobs in my field, so just gotta keep looking while I wait to hear back.
Meanwhile, I need to find out what skills/experience I'm missing and try and get that through volunteering or training. There's some online courses I want to take, and I really need to start researching what's it's going to take to get a Master's degree in something like Art Education or Culture and Heritage.
Mean-meanwhile, there's so much to do I don't have time for a job! I have previously shared my Joe's Goals page, where I keep track of what I've done every day and score myself. On an ideal day, I'd walk my dog, and do yoga, eat healthy mostly-vegetarian meals prepared at home, clean the house, make art, drink water, floss, read, and leave the house at least once and walking the dog doesn't really count. That all takes at least 6 hours! The problem is that making art is supposed to be my job, that I should be putting in several hours of drawing and creating a day if I want to be any good.
I'm not drawing at all. I haven't drawn in months. I keep putting it off. I should be doing it right now! Once I start doing it I'll be fine. There's this fear every time you look at a blank piece of paper. I know I always have to face it and just start doing stuff, making marks, being ok with failing, and next thing you know, you're drawing. Sorry for changing tenses mid-sentence. It's Friday and the grammar police are off-duty.
I have several projects on the horizon, so I think I've cleared enough practical stuff out of the way to just sit down and create. I feel like I've been making process in other areas; I've been out there meeting new people and taking in the arts scene, and now I need to be alone and quiet to process everything I've learned and seen for a while. Hence all the books. But I can't just take ideas in- I need to start getting stuff out of me too. Just draw! Feel free to nag me next week in the comments!
In the 'Quiet' book reviewed in the last post, the author mentioned that the book was mostly written in cafes. She tried to work at home but it was too quiet or too easy to get distracted. In a cafe, there's a low level of background noise and stimulation that seemed to be about right for her, plus she could see other people working on their laptops. So I might try that. Drawing outings. Can't bring all my paints and inks unfortunately, but could still get some ideas down on paper. Plus you never know what you'll see or hear or who you meet just being out in the world. Still enjoying reading 'Quiet', by the way.
Sometimes I do a 'No Computer for a Week' challenge and I try not to watch TV or use the computer for said week. (I usually have to check email a few times though) I even like to play vinyl records instead of my iPod to really get in the spirit!
I'm in one of those moods where I want to make 5 year plans for my life and set goals! I do this periodically, and am really bad at following through...
Hmm. I was going to write this whole big thing about activism and me figuring out if I want to be a radical or not! I found this leadership program that trains people in how to make a difference. It's a six month program and I've just missed the start date so I'll have to wait until next year. I think I want to do it, but more about that later. Like I said, it's Friday night. So lazy.
Other tidbits.
Our old cat died this week. He was actually my brother-in-law's cat, but we adopted the cat when Bro-in-law and my sis moved into their condo. So Cat wasn't with us that long, but he was a nice old cat. Death is very weird. One day fine, the next day gone. I didn't cry, just had some reflection time.
Walrus' mom got hit by a car. She's fine! No broken bones, no concussion, but she's very sore and taking the week off work. I have been meaning to visit her, but can't bring myself to do it. (Been using a mild cold as an excuse.) They truly are the unluckiest family.
I see Walrus at choir and maybe once a week outside of that, due to some extra choir events or us actually making plans together. I think it's ok. Wondering if we need to 'talk' about us being just friends... He called me 'dear' once more. I'm just ignoring it.
I'm actually in a fairly good mood, and wanting to Take Action and Start Lots of Projects! Who knows when I'll crash again so I might as well use this energy and get something done. Getting stuff done has the nice effect of keeping the mood up, because I feel capable and efficient!
My sister advised me to just get a job, any job. It's almost Christmas and there will be seasonal work in retail. Ugh! I hate consumerism, commercialism and plastic bags, but perhaps I can find something I can stand for 3 months. I've also put in a few applications for jobs in my field, so just gotta keep looking while I wait to hear back.
Meanwhile, I need to find out what skills/experience I'm missing and try and get that through volunteering or training. There's some online courses I want to take, and I really need to start researching what's it's going to take to get a Master's degree in something like Art Education or Culture and Heritage.
Mean-meanwhile, there's so much to do I don't have time for a job! I have previously shared my Joe's Goals page, where I keep track of what I've done every day and score myself. On an ideal day, I'd walk my dog, and do yoga, eat healthy mostly-vegetarian meals prepared at home, clean the house, make art, drink water, floss, read, and leave the house at least once and walking the dog doesn't really count. That all takes at least 6 hours! The problem is that making art is supposed to be my job, that I should be putting in several hours of drawing and creating a day if I want to be any good.
I'm not drawing at all. I haven't drawn in months. I keep putting it off. I should be doing it right now! Once I start doing it I'll be fine. There's this fear every time you look at a blank piece of paper. I know I always have to face it and just start doing stuff, making marks, being ok with failing, and next thing you know, you're drawing. Sorry for changing tenses mid-sentence. It's Friday and the grammar police are off-duty.
I have several projects on the horizon, so I think I've cleared enough practical stuff out of the way to just sit down and create. I feel like I've been making process in other areas; I've been out there meeting new people and taking in the arts scene, and now I need to be alone and quiet to process everything I've learned and seen for a while. Hence all the books. But I can't just take ideas in- I need to start getting stuff out of me too. Just draw! Feel free to nag me next week in the comments!
In the 'Quiet' book reviewed in the last post, the author mentioned that the book was mostly written in cafes. She tried to work at home but it was too quiet or too easy to get distracted. In a cafe, there's a low level of background noise and stimulation that seemed to be about right for her, plus she could see other people working on their laptops. So I might try that. Drawing outings. Can't bring all my paints and inks unfortunately, but could still get some ideas down on paper. Plus you never know what you'll see or hear or who you meet just being out in the world. Still enjoying reading 'Quiet', by the way.
Sometimes I do a 'No Computer for a Week' challenge and I try not to watch TV or use the computer for said week. (I usually have to check email a few times though) I even like to play vinyl records instead of my iPod to really get in the spirit!
I'm in one of those moods where I want to make 5 year plans for my life and set goals! I do this periodically, and am really bad at following through...
Hmm. I was going to write this whole big thing about activism and me figuring out if I want to be a radical or not! I found this leadership program that trains people in how to make a difference. It's a six month program and I've just missed the start date so I'll have to wait until next year. I think I want to do it, but more about that later. Like I said, it's Friday night. So lazy.
Other tidbits.
Our old cat died this week. He was actually my brother-in-law's cat, but we adopted the cat when Bro-in-law and my sis moved into their condo. So Cat wasn't with us that long, but he was a nice old cat. Death is very weird. One day fine, the next day gone. I didn't cry, just had some reflection time.
Walrus' mom got hit by a car. She's fine! No broken bones, no concussion, but she's very sore and taking the week off work. I have been meaning to visit her, but can't bring myself to do it. (Been using a mild cold as an excuse.) They truly are the unluckiest family.
I see Walrus at choir and maybe once a week outside of that, due to some extra choir events or us actually making plans together. I think it's ok. Wondering if we need to 'talk' about us being just friends... He called me 'dear' once more. I'm just ignoring it.
Sunday 14 October 2012
Book Review Times Two: "The Social Animal" and "Quiet"
I think book titles should probably be underlined, not in quotation marks, but on the internet that means hyperlink so I don't know what to do.
I realized I am desperate to talk about books with someone. Sad face.
I am reading all these books, I have stacks of books everywhere, in some kind of desperate attempt to learn how the world works and to find my place in it. I want answers. I read books that are vaguely self-helpy or about human psychology, and I read a lot of books about politics, the environment and saving the world. I have lots of new ideas that I want to discuss with someone to see if they're any good. Some ideas are political- I used to talk to my brother about this stuff but now he has two babies, so he's unavailable. Some ideas are personal and I talk about them here, to myself and to the great anonymous Internet.
Review #1 The Social Animal, by David Brooks
I have been meaning to write about this book for a while, but now I've returned the book to the library and won't be able to go into as much detail as I wanted to. Brooks is a writer for the New York Times (and a few other highbrow publications.) He undertook this massive project of looking at all the latest research in neuroscience and psychology and applying it to every part of human life- our experiences at school, work, and relationships to the bigger picture stuff of politics and culture. It's an attempt to understand the unconscious mind and how the way the human mind works shapes human life.
He does this by making up a fictional couple, Harold and Erica, following them through their lives, so the book reads like a bad novel mashed up with a psychology text book. At first I thought their story was a great frame for all the research but after a while I grew tired of it. It makes the reading choppy.
The human brain is so cool though! Every few pages I found something to think about.
The two things that stood out for me:
One of the early chapters has Harold's parents meeting and falling in love, and the stuff that goes on in our brains when that happens. If you find the book in the bookstore, maybe find that chapter and read it (until the store owner starts to frown at you!)
Brains change when they interact with other brains. That means who I am is not a finished product that I broadcast to you when we talk- who I am is CREATED by my responses to your brain, and vice versa. It's not just brains in love, it's every interaction with other people, but imagine two brains spending a lifetime together becoming more and more alike.
The second thing was the overlying theme of the whole book. The rational, conscious brain is only a tiny part of how we operative. The conscious brain is level 2, and it rests on a foundation of the unconscious brain and our emotions. The world is so complicated, we are getting so much sensory input, that the unconscious has all these processes to sort information for us, to make split second decisions. It's necessary so we don't go crazy, but occasionally the unconscious brain does weird things. If people are shown five pairs of nylon panty-hose in a row on a counter and are told to pick the highest quality pair, they always pick the one on the far right, even though they're all identical. If people are given a mug they are told is worth $5, and then the researcher offers to buy it back for $7, they usually choose to keep the mug. And the book has example after example like that (mostly from research on how people buy things- don't believe for a second you've made a rational decision when shopping!)
At the end the author notes that people aren't all that rational, and they are TERRIBLE at predicting what decisions will make them happy. Will you be happy with this purchase, this job, this partner a year from now? You simply have no idea, so just trust your gut and dive in.
Review #2 Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
I've only started reading this one. I am a classic introvert who prefers small groups and deep conversations. The book tells me what I want to hear. Extroverts rush into things! Everyone thinks Extroverts are smart for doing all the talking at meetings, but that doesn't mean they are! Extroverts live in the moment and can't reflect!
It feels good to bash extroverts, because they're usually the ones getting all the glory, but the premise of the book is that both (all) types of people have something to contribute.
Cain explains her theory about why introverts get the short end of the stick. When everybody lived on farms, it didn't really matter whether you were an introvert or extrovert. It mattered if you could get your crops to grow and it mattered whether you had good character. That changed when people moved to the cities to work in business. Suddenly you had to be a good salesman, good at selling yourself. 'How to Win Friends and Influence People" was a best seller. Self-help books talked about being charming, being magnetic, being a personality rather than being honest and ethical and hard-working.
So that got me all fired up. Society doesn't value me! It doesn't value good character! It doesn't value deep thinking!
When I was in school I had to take a 'leadership' class. We went on an outdoor survival trip- a three day hike in small groups. In that situation, physical fitness became a sign of leadership. I was the slowest person, so I wasn't respected. But, I was a Girl Guide for 10 years! I know how to camp. I can tie knots and pick the best spot for the tent. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me. One young man was a 'natural leader' and he did take charge, but he didn't always have good ideas and he didn't look for the talents of other people in the group, but all the others were happy to follow him. Happy to sleep in a soggy tent too, I suppose. It was such a miserable experience. I should have quit school right then, instead of doing two more years with those people. It was like high school all over again.
I can see why oratory skills are admired, and confidence, and being fun at parties but I am a damn smart cookie and can be a leader too,quietly. I hope the book helps me find out how to do things my way.
I realized I am desperate to talk about books with someone. Sad face.
I am reading all these books, I have stacks of books everywhere, in some kind of desperate attempt to learn how the world works and to find my place in it. I want answers. I read books that are vaguely self-helpy or about human psychology, and I read a lot of books about politics, the environment and saving the world. I have lots of new ideas that I want to discuss with someone to see if they're any good. Some ideas are political- I used to talk to my brother about this stuff but now he has two babies, so he's unavailable. Some ideas are personal and I talk about them here, to myself and to the great anonymous Internet.
Review #1 The Social Animal, by David Brooks
I have been meaning to write about this book for a while, but now I've returned the book to the library and won't be able to go into as much detail as I wanted to. Brooks is a writer for the New York Times (and a few other highbrow publications.) He undertook this massive project of looking at all the latest research in neuroscience and psychology and applying it to every part of human life- our experiences at school, work, and relationships to the bigger picture stuff of politics and culture. It's an attempt to understand the unconscious mind and how the way the human mind works shapes human life.
He does this by making up a fictional couple, Harold and Erica, following them through their lives, so the book reads like a bad novel mashed up with a psychology text book. At first I thought their story was a great frame for all the research but after a while I grew tired of it. It makes the reading choppy.
The human brain is so cool though! Every few pages I found something to think about.
The two things that stood out for me:
One of the early chapters has Harold's parents meeting and falling in love, and the stuff that goes on in our brains when that happens. If you find the book in the bookstore, maybe find that chapter and read it (until the store owner starts to frown at you!)
Brains change when they interact with other brains. That means who I am is not a finished product that I broadcast to you when we talk- who I am is CREATED by my responses to your brain, and vice versa. It's not just brains in love, it's every interaction with other people, but imagine two brains spending a lifetime together becoming more and more alike.
The second thing was the overlying theme of the whole book. The rational, conscious brain is only a tiny part of how we operative. The conscious brain is level 2, and it rests on a foundation of the unconscious brain and our emotions. The world is so complicated, we are getting so much sensory input, that the unconscious has all these processes to sort information for us, to make split second decisions. It's necessary so we don't go crazy, but occasionally the unconscious brain does weird things. If people are shown five pairs of nylon panty-hose in a row on a counter and are told to pick the highest quality pair, they always pick the one on the far right, even though they're all identical. If people are given a mug they are told is worth $5, and then the researcher offers to buy it back for $7, they usually choose to keep the mug. And the book has example after example like that (mostly from research on how people buy things- don't believe for a second you've made a rational decision when shopping!)
At the end the author notes that people aren't all that rational, and they are TERRIBLE at predicting what decisions will make them happy. Will you be happy with this purchase, this job, this partner a year from now? You simply have no idea, so just trust your gut and dive in.
Review #2 Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
I've only started reading this one. I am a classic introvert who prefers small groups and deep conversations. The book tells me what I want to hear. Extroverts rush into things! Everyone thinks Extroverts are smart for doing all the talking at meetings, but that doesn't mean they are! Extroverts live in the moment and can't reflect!
It feels good to bash extroverts, because they're usually the ones getting all the glory, but the premise of the book is that both (all) types of people have something to contribute.
Cain explains her theory about why introverts get the short end of the stick. When everybody lived on farms, it didn't really matter whether you were an introvert or extrovert. It mattered if you could get your crops to grow and it mattered whether you had good character. That changed when people moved to the cities to work in business. Suddenly you had to be a good salesman, good at selling yourself. 'How to Win Friends and Influence People" was a best seller. Self-help books talked about being charming, being magnetic, being a personality rather than being honest and ethical and hard-working.
So that got me all fired up. Society doesn't value me! It doesn't value good character! It doesn't value deep thinking!
When I was in school I had to take a 'leadership' class. We went on an outdoor survival trip- a three day hike in small groups. In that situation, physical fitness became a sign of leadership. I was the slowest person, so I wasn't respected. But, I was a Girl Guide for 10 years! I know how to camp. I can tie knots and pick the best spot for the tent. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me. One young man was a 'natural leader' and he did take charge, but he didn't always have good ideas and he didn't look for the talents of other people in the group, but all the others were happy to follow him. Happy to sleep in a soggy tent too, I suppose. It was such a miserable experience. I should have quit school right then, instead of doing two more years with those people. It was like high school all over again.
I can see why oratory skills are admired, and confidence, and being fun at parties but I am a damn smart cookie and can be a leader too,quietly. I hope the book helps me find out how to do things my way.
Saturday 13 October 2012
Quote of the Day
I found this weird little book in the library. "The Chairs are Where the People Go" by Misha Glouberman and Sheila Heti. It was in the career section with all the 'What Colour is your Parachute' type books. It doesn't belong there. Basically the writer (Sheila) knew an interesting guy (Misha) who knew about a lot of weird stuff so she got him talking and she typed. The book covers 72 topics, everything from theatre improv to spam to making friends.
Would make a good blog! Maybe I'll branch out and offer Eleanorisms on every topic that interests me!
Anyways, here's the quote, and it is about love.
"I had certain ideas about what kind of person my girlfriend might be....I think the way I'd always thought this sort of thing worked was that you had some sort of imaginary person in your head and then you'd meet someone who was pretty close to that imaginary person, but it turns out that what worked for me was meeting a person who didn't correspond to anything in my head at all but was something new that came from the world."
-Misha Glouberman
Would make a good blog! Maybe I'll branch out and offer Eleanorisms on every topic that interests me!
Anyways, here's the quote, and it is about love.
"I had certain ideas about what kind of person my girlfriend might be....I think the way I'd always thought this sort of thing worked was that you had some sort of imaginary person in your head and then you'd meet someone who was pretty close to that imaginary person, but it turns out that what worked for me was meeting a person who didn't correspond to anything in my head at all but was something new that came from the world."
-Misha Glouberman
Mini-updates, very minor
I got my pixie cut finally. I had a hard time explaining to the stylist that I won't use a blow-dryer, flat-iron or any product that comes in plastic bottles in my hair. I'm sure he thought I was crazy. It's a good cut though.
I think I am getting sick again. Sigh.
Hopes raised and then disappointed in the job search. I applied to do another volunteer thing for yet another festival and right away they called me an offered me a paid position as Volunteer Coordinator. Turns out my 'boss' from the internship I did in September took the job and then left after two days. So of course I called her and it turned out they were so disorganized she quit. I think I will have to turn this one down....
I see Walrus quite a bit and we text frequently. It mostly feels fine. I noticed we still are fairly comfortable with touching each other (in not sexual ways) and sharing food. I still fuss about him. There is a tiny bit of emotion that can surface at odd moments. When he gave me my birthday present (a hat) I hugged him and I think both of us out of habit moved for a quick kiss and then stopped ourselves. I sometimes wonder what we get out of the friendship. Maybe it will fade away as he builds his new life. Am I still trying to rescue him? I think yes, to some degree.
My internet has been cutting in and out for a week. Makes me realize how much of my life I spend on it. And instead of finding something better to do, I spend twice as long trying to load pages...
I think I have to do a part two to 'Self Image' but not tonight.
I think I am getting sick again. Sigh.
Hopes raised and then disappointed in the job search. I applied to do another volunteer thing for yet another festival and right away they called me an offered me a paid position as Volunteer Coordinator. Turns out my 'boss' from the internship I did in September took the job and then left after two days. So of course I called her and it turned out they were so disorganized she quit. I think I will have to turn this one down....
I see Walrus quite a bit and we text frequently. It mostly feels fine. I noticed we still are fairly comfortable with touching each other (in not sexual ways) and sharing food. I still fuss about him. There is a tiny bit of emotion that can surface at odd moments. When he gave me my birthday present (a hat) I hugged him and I think both of us out of habit moved for a quick kiss and then stopped ourselves. I sometimes wonder what we get out of the friendship. Maybe it will fade away as he builds his new life. Am I still trying to rescue him? I think yes, to some degree.
My internet has been cutting in and out for a week. Makes me realize how much of my life I spend on it. And instead of finding something better to do, I spend twice as long trying to load pages...
I think I have to do a part two to 'Self Image' but not tonight.
Thursday 11 October 2012
Self image
I'm keeping busy and I have a feeling that if I stop moving I'll have to face the possibility that I don't like myself.
I can only think of terrible metaphors to describe the feeling- like being followed by something shadowy.
I don't know if it's going to catch up with me or if I've actually learned the skills (from therapy after being depressed) to keep these negative thoughts at bay.
It starts with negative feelings about my body. It seems like I've always got a health complaint- the constant coughing, tiredness, back aches, upset stomachs, etc. I have PCOS and that comes with its own set of things that have to be managed. For a while I kept to a very strict diet and the weight just melted off. Now it's back, and oh joy!, it sticks right around my middle. I hate that women are expected to be a certain body shape in our society, and I think it's so boring to worry about my weight, but lately it's always on my mind.
There's this digital side to life now- the only way you readers experience 'Eleanor' is words on a screen, but I certainly learned watching Walrus struggle with his paralyzed body how much we take our physical selves for granted.
Walrus has terrible psoriasis that started when he was 13. He doesn't like to show his arms or legs because of it, and his ears are often scabbed over. I wonder how much Walrus' psoriasis affected who he is as a person, and how much PCOS has affected me. Maybe I was slow to grow up because my body wasn't acting like a woman's body should. I didn't get help for years because I was embarrassed to talk about it.
In short, I don't feel attractive right now and that's a major roadblock if I want to try dating again.
I'm also not getting anywhere with the job search, or moving out.
And I'm sorta telling myself to concentrate on my health and getting a job, even cleaning the house and then think about dating. Like, if I get a part-time job I can allow myself to put up some new pictures on OKC and write to some guys....that's the way I'm negotiating with myself right now. It sorta makes sense and it sorta doesn't.
I can only think of terrible metaphors to describe the feeling- like being followed by something shadowy.
I don't know if it's going to catch up with me or if I've actually learned the skills (from therapy after being depressed) to keep these negative thoughts at bay.
It starts with negative feelings about my body. It seems like I've always got a health complaint- the constant coughing, tiredness, back aches, upset stomachs, etc. I have PCOS and that comes with its own set of things that have to be managed. For a while I kept to a very strict diet and the weight just melted off. Now it's back, and oh joy!, it sticks right around my middle. I hate that women are expected to be a certain body shape in our society, and I think it's so boring to worry about my weight, but lately it's always on my mind.
There's this digital side to life now- the only way you readers experience 'Eleanor' is words on a screen, but I certainly learned watching Walrus struggle with his paralyzed body how much we take our physical selves for granted.
Walrus has terrible psoriasis that started when he was 13. He doesn't like to show his arms or legs because of it, and his ears are often scabbed over. I wonder how much Walrus' psoriasis affected who he is as a person, and how much PCOS has affected me. Maybe I was slow to grow up because my body wasn't acting like a woman's body should. I didn't get help for years because I was embarrassed to talk about it.
In short, I don't feel attractive right now and that's a major roadblock if I want to try dating again.
I'm also not getting anywhere with the job search, or moving out.
And I'm sorta telling myself to concentrate on my health and getting a job, even cleaning the house and then think about dating. Like, if I get a part-time job I can allow myself to put up some new pictures on OKC and write to some guys....that's the way I'm negotiating with myself right now. It sorta makes sense and it sorta doesn't.
Friday 5 October 2012
Nobody said life was fair....
A series of small events, which nevertheless, had emotional impact bigger than you would expect.
I apologize for blogging the minutiae of my life, but I'm in a mood where these little interactions with people seem fraught with deeper meanings. (I'm not sure if 'fraught' and 'meaning' go together, but what the heck.)
I saw E twice at festival events this week, while I was volunteering taking tickets at the door. Both times he didn't go in my door, but hesitated nearby. I just pretended not to see him. That's immature, but what can I say to him?
The good news is that volunteering is fun. I talk to other volunteers when I'm working, and I go to events (for free!) with friends when I'm not. I'm keeping busy!
I took a woman from choir to an event, and afterwards we went to get some food. Ended up talking for three hours! She shared some personal stuff, and I did too, to a lesser degree. Have you ever just found yourself just spilling your guts to someone and regretted it later? I did find myself worrying a little afterwards if I'd said too much. I think it's okay. We were just sorta 'insta-friends' and that might have been more her idea than mine, but I think she's cool. So, I made a new friend. Another small achievement!
I'm going to volunteer with an arts education organization next, just one afternoon a week, starting next week. I really think they're a good fit for me, so I hope it leads to other opportunities. I'm a bit worried about committing to this when I don't have a job. It means I can't do a regular 9-5 gig. Not that I like those anyways....
And I realized this week that all these volunteering things I do have given me a pretty good idea of the arts scene in my city. I know lots of people now. That's gotta pay off sooner or later.
So that's the good. Slow, slow progress. No results yet, but every day, a better understanding of myself and what I can do and the resources I have available to me.
I should be feeling pretty good, but sometimes I still get attacks of the sads. Obviously, not having an income is a huge worry. I get envious when I see my siblings with their families .... I want to know which way I'm headed in life, and soon. The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming sometimes.
And then there's Walrus.
Dear readers, I know getting back together with him is not a good idea. I know that. But I want to be friends with him and that's what I've chosen to do. I ask that you respect that. Even though what I say next is going to sound contradictory...
He was withdrawn when I saw him at choir this week, and it felt awkward. Also he was smoking when I first saw him, and that always annoys me. He felt like a stranger and excuse the crassness of this, but I tried to imagine that um...his penis had once been inside me, however briefly, and that was surreal. That's a long way from being in love with someone. I toy with the idea of reconciliation when we text each other, but every time I see him I know it's not right.
But I still care about him and later that night it came out, in another one of our famous texting conversations. He said he was very tired that day, couldn't sleep. He told me old friends of his had just had their first child, and they were going to make Walrus the boy's godfather. But the baby was born not breathing, without a heartbeat. They were able to resuscitate him, and everyone's doing well now. However, it's too early to tell if there was brain damage.
Walrus has been not sleeping all week over this. He hasn't seen the baby; his friends live in another province. But he just got so angry that a baby had to start life fighting to breathe...fighting for his chance.
And our friend with the brain tumour is not doing well.... and Walrus has had his share of bad luck as well, as you know.
His godson. Brain damage. Just like him. You can see how that would sting.
Life is not fair. It is a long way from fair and you can rage all you like and there's nothing you can do.
I said to Walrus: you'd better not be thinking you're cursed.
Because he once told me he thought he was....he didn't remember telling me that and I told him how much it scared me at the time. Then I said, "Walrus, you've had more than your share to deal with, but you keep trying to see the positive and to be a good person and that's all you can do. You're doing fine."
And that seemed to please him and we said goodnight.
I apologize for blogging the minutiae of my life, but I'm in a mood where these little interactions with people seem fraught with deeper meanings. (I'm not sure if 'fraught' and 'meaning' go together, but what the heck.)
I saw E twice at festival events this week, while I was volunteering taking tickets at the door. Both times he didn't go in my door, but hesitated nearby. I just pretended not to see him. That's immature, but what can I say to him?
The good news is that volunteering is fun. I talk to other volunteers when I'm working, and I go to events (for free!) with friends when I'm not. I'm keeping busy!
I took a woman from choir to an event, and afterwards we went to get some food. Ended up talking for three hours! She shared some personal stuff, and I did too, to a lesser degree. Have you ever just found yourself just spilling your guts to someone and regretted it later? I did find myself worrying a little afterwards if I'd said too much. I think it's okay. We were just sorta 'insta-friends' and that might have been more her idea than mine, but I think she's cool. So, I made a new friend. Another small achievement!
I'm going to volunteer with an arts education organization next, just one afternoon a week, starting next week. I really think they're a good fit for me, so I hope it leads to other opportunities. I'm a bit worried about committing to this when I don't have a job. It means I can't do a regular 9-5 gig. Not that I like those anyways....
And I realized this week that all these volunteering things I do have given me a pretty good idea of the arts scene in my city. I know lots of people now. That's gotta pay off sooner or later.
So that's the good. Slow, slow progress. No results yet, but every day, a better understanding of myself and what I can do and the resources I have available to me.
I should be feeling pretty good, but sometimes I still get attacks of the sads. Obviously, not having an income is a huge worry. I get envious when I see my siblings with their families .... I want to know which way I'm headed in life, and soon. The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming sometimes.
And then there's Walrus.
Dear readers, I know getting back together with him is not a good idea. I know that. But I want to be friends with him and that's what I've chosen to do. I ask that you respect that. Even though what I say next is going to sound contradictory...
He was withdrawn when I saw him at choir this week, and it felt awkward. Also he was smoking when I first saw him, and that always annoys me. He felt like a stranger and excuse the crassness of this, but I tried to imagine that um...his penis had once been inside me, however briefly, and that was surreal. That's a long way from being in love with someone. I toy with the idea of reconciliation when we text each other, but every time I see him I know it's not right.
But I still care about him and later that night it came out, in another one of our famous texting conversations. He said he was very tired that day, couldn't sleep. He told me old friends of his had just had their first child, and they were going to make Walrus the boy's godfather. But the baby was born not breathing, without a heartbeat. They were able to resuscitate him, and everyone's doing well now. However, it's too early to tell if there was brain damage.
Walrus has been not sleeping all week over this. He hasn't seen the baby; his friends live in another province. But he just got so angry that a baby had to start life fighting to breathe...fighting for his chance.
And our friend with the brain tumour is not doing well.... and Walrus has had his share of bad luck as well, as you know.
His godson. Brain damage. Just like him. You can see how that would sting.
Life is not fair. It is a long way from fair and you can rage all you like and there's nothing you can do.
I said to Walrus: you'd better not be thinking you're cursed.
Because he once told me he thought he was....he didn't remember telling me that and I told him how much it scared me at the time. Then I said, "Walrus, you've had more than your share to deal with, but you keep trying to see the positive and to be a good person and that's all you can do. You're doing fine."
And that seemed to please him and we said goodnight.
Monday 1 October 2012
Another Week
My sister-in-law had the baby. A boy. No name yet.
Two kids at age 21. I can't even imagine....
My friend from choir, the one with the brain tumour, he's in the hospital. I don't know how sick he is. I should visit him...
And those are fairly big things.
Perspective.
In my small little world, I did the little festival on the weekend. Walrus was going to come, but then he didn't plan his time well and didn't make it. How different from last year....that was when I met his parents and he met my mom and sis, and it was the day when I thought we were 'official'.
But he called me 'dear' again, when he told me he wasn't coming
I need to think.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)