Merry Christmas, to those who still check this blog.
What a journey from virginity, through two boyfriends and onto unexpected compatibility with Silver Fox. 4 months together and we're just nuts about each other.
How different from last Christmas- I was engaged to Nerdboy!
What a year.
I am still complicatedly-sad over Nerdboy because we did share a life together for more than two years and he helped me, invested in me, as an artist. And whatever his faults, we worked through my technical difficulties with sex together and he did that gracefully.
But I am realizing how much easier it is with Silver Fox. I remember crying early on in the relationship with Nerdboy because he was criticizing my cooking. And I had so many doubts that he wasn't what I wanted. None of that with Silver Fox, although I have worried about his anxiety and his slow start in his career. It's early yet but I feel pretty certain we're going to be together for a while.
On Christmas I met his nephew for the first time and when we were alone later I asked if he felt anything about being an uncle. I talked about not reacting well when my sister announcing her pregnancy but later completely falling in love with my little nephew. And Silver Fox asked if I was sure I didn't want kids. "Uh, it's complicated" I asked him if he did. He said 'Maybe'. He explained that having children increases the possibility of heartbreak, because you live your own successes and failures, and theirs.
We went to watch a movie that night and all throughout I kept freaking out because I thought that door was shut firm. No children, no regrets. But maybe me and Silver Fox have a future together with a little creation of our own. I don't even know if my body can do it, or if we'll ever be financially secure enough. I don't even know if I want to make the sacrifice motherhood requires.
But, the door is not shut. I know if there was an 'accident' I'd want to have the baby.
I think we'll have to talk about this more, no rush though.
Monday 26 December 2016
Monday 31 October 2016
gush
I'm writing this one just to record it for me.
Last week I had to work in his neighbourhood early in the morning, then I had a big gap in the afternoon. I went to his house and told him I needed to nap. And we did nap....eventually ;)
When we woke up he had a bit of an erection. He was trying to get dressed and it was bobbing around, and he tried to put on his underwear. I was watching from bed, giggling. He didn't seem embarrassed.
And I felt such a rush of emotion. I think I love this man.
But what a weird moment to realize it. I haven't said anything yet. It would have been ridiculous to say it then.
Last week I had to work in his neighbourhood early in the morning, then I had a big gap in the afternoon. I went to his house and told him I needed to nap. And we did nap....eventually ;)
When we woke up he had a bit of an erection. He was trying to get dressed and it was bobbing around, and he tried to put on his underwear. I was watching from bed, giggling. He didn't seem embarrassed.
And I felt such a rush of emotion. I think I love this man.
But what a weird moment to realize it. I haven't said anything yet. It would have been ridiculous to say it then.
Monday 17 October 2016
A good man...
Another late night talk. He confessed he was 'difficult'. Which, when I inquired further, was because his ex had told him he argued too hard when discussing ideas and politics.
Thinking about it the next day, I realized how low the bar is to be a good man.
He isn't going to beat me, rape me, steal from me, cheat on me. He isn't an addict. He didn't send dick pics. He isn't emotionally closed off. He isn't going to gaslight or patronize me. He hasn't asked me to change my appearance. He doesn't expect me to cook for him or 'mother' him.
My mom said the other day that Donald Trump's comments weren't shocking to her, that all the men in her generation have something of that mindset.
Women put up with a lot it seems.
So I think I've found a rare jewel, and wonder how he was single so long. (Underemployment aside...)
And as for the arguing thing, both Walrus and Nerdboy told me I argued too hard too, so maybe we're a good fit.
Thinking about it the next day, I realized how low the bar is to be a good man.
He isn't going to beat me, rape me, steal from me, cheat on me. He isn't an addict. He didn't send dick pics. He isn't emotionally closed off. He isn't going to gaslight or patronize me. He hasn't asked me to change my appearance. He doesn't expect me to cook for him or 'mother' him.
My mom said the other day that Donald Trump's comments weren't shocking to her, that all the men in her generation have something of that mindset.
Women put up with a lot it seems.
So I think I've found a rare jewel, and wonder how he was single so long. (Underemployment aside...)
And as for the arguing thing, both Walrus and Nerdboy told me I argued too hard too, so maybe we're a good fit.
Tuesday 11 October 2016
The 'L' word
Did I really only meet Silver Fox seven weeks ago? I see him every two or three days, and sleep over at his house almost as much. I've got a toothbrush and a phone charger there.
And it's going pretty well. We seem delighted with each other.
He told me about a week ago that his anxiety causes him to worry I will reject him. He said it isn't anything I've done, it's just how his brain works.
I'm hoping if he actually believed that was a possibility, he wouldn't have told me.
But I was a bit worried that I had that much power to hurt him. Because I really don't think he is going to hurt me. So, I get to be the bad guy?
I said "But, I like you so much!"
He said, "I more than like you"
So it wasn't a shock when the next time I was over, and we'd had a late night roll in the hay, he said 'I know you're not supposed to say this in bed, and it's early, and you don't have to feel this way, but I think I.....love you?' (his voice went up at the end, like a question)
I said, "oh my darling" and buried my head in his shoulder. But then I said, 'It's very early'.
I felt very overwhelmed and my eyes watered. I told him that the last relationship had messed me up but I was happy with him.
I don't know if that satisfied him but that's the best I can do right now.
I feel like he hasn't been in love before and I came along and was sweet to him. But for me love means we've seen the darker sides, we've quarreled and made up, we've gone through stuff and decided to stay together.
~~~
We have sex a lot. At bed time, and usually again in the morning. And he's gotten bolder with his comments. Who would have known that my sweet respectful boy was such a horndog?
He said some dirty stuff in bed that made me blush. Did he really just ask me if I liked cock?
I actually find it a teeny bit ridiculous but the guy waited until his mid-thirties to have sex so if it helps him feel like a man I can just play along.
The sex stuff is getting better but his foreplay is better than the actual event.
~~
Nerdboy has contacted me a few times. Wanted to tell me how sad he was, not because of me necessarily, just generally not doing well. I went to his birthday party, it was a little awkward but fine. I thought maybe the friends thing would be ok. Then a few days after he messaged me and the point of the conversation was to find out if I still was with Silver Fox and then tell me he was stepping away from dating while he worked on finding a new job.
Tuesday 20 September 2016
late night talks
Hey, this post goes into some detailed sex stuff. You've been warned!
~~~~
I've stayed over at Silver Fox's twice (at least) since the last blog post. We are learning how to do sex together. My body can be coaxed into cooperating, if we're patient. He's having some trouble with his equipment. So we take breaks, and cuddle, and it's probably actually perfect for my problem, because my body can decide it actually does want to participate.
He's having anxiety because he had the problem in the past and his ex was cruel about it. She sounds like a cow. I wish he hadn't gone back to her because we could have found each other much earlier!
He said he knows I'm different but thinking about the bad memories or just focusing too much on the problem makes the anxiety worse.
Despite these problems, we're having a good time. I'm just not sure how to be helpful except to not be upset about it.
His ex once kicked him out of bed because of it. Wow.
Last night it was particularly troublesome although eventually we briefly got both bodies in sync but the success was short lived. I don't really understand what happened but he said he had to stop.
We just talked instead. He seems to be able to talk openly about sex whereas I still have walls around the subject. He told me he had a sexy dream about me and I didn't know how to take it. (blush)
I said I was very happy we were each other's second partner.
He said, "I feel like we are sort of kindred spirits even though we're very different. Do you feel that?"
And I was so happy. I do feel like there's nothing on the surface to make this work, and yet we connected so quickly. I couldn't believe I'd found another late bloomer, purely by accident. I don't think he means just the sex thing but I can't name what it is we have in common.
From what I can work out, I think he only had sex about a year ago, and it was fraught with problems. We talked about what it was like to not be in relationships. He talked of some embarrassment, and feeling something was missing, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as it was to me. Being a virgin became part of my identity, even though it was secret.
And we talked about exes. I told him the whole Nerdboy saga, a condensed version anyways. He said 'that guy sounds like a piece of work'. Which I guess is true. I can't get perspective on it yet.
And Silver Fox said a little bit more about his unhealthy relationship with the Cow.
So finally someone stayed up late and bared souls with me. It was a little painful and a lot wonderful.
~~~~
I really like him but I can see stuff about him I don't like. Am I supposed to be in a love-struck blindness to his faults? I hope not. I am a little freaked out by how easy this has been so far. I kinda think it could work....
~~~~
I've stayed over at Silver Fox's twice (at least) since the last blog post. We are learning how to do sex together. My body can be coaxed into cooperating, if we're patient. He's having some trouble with his equipment. So we take breaks, and cuddle, and it's probably actually perfect for my problem, because my body can decide it actually does want to participate.
He's having anxiety because he had the problem in the past and his ex was cruel about it. She sounds like a cow. I wish he hadn't gone back to her because we could have found each other much earlier!
He said he knows I'm different but thinking about the bad memories or just focusing too much on the problem makes the anxiety worse.
Despite these problems, we're having a good time. I'm just not sure how to be helpful except to not be upset about it.
His ex once kicked him out of bed because of it. Wow.
Last night it was particularly troublesome although eventually we briefly got both bodies in sync but the success was short lived. I don't really understand what happened but he said he had to stop.
We just talked instead. He seems to be able to talk openly about sex whereas I still have walls around the subject. He told me he had a sexy dream about me and I didn't know how to take it. (blush)
I said I was very happy we were each other's second partner.
He said, "I feel like we are sort of kindred spirits even though we're very different. Do you feel that?"
And I was so happy. I do feel like there's nothing on the surface to make this work, and yet we connected so quickly. I couldn't believe I'd found another late bloomer, purely by accident. I don't think he means just the sex thing but I can't name what it is we have in common.
From what I can work out, I think he only had sex about a year ago, and it was fraught with problems. We talked about what it was like to not be in relationships. He talked of some embarrassment, and feeling something was missing, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as it was to me. Being a virgin became part of my identity, even though it was secret.
And we talked about exes. I told him the whole Nerdboy saga, a condensed version anyways. He said 'that guy sounds like a piece of work'. Which I guess is true. I can't get perspective on it yet.
And Silver Fox said a little bit more about his unhealthy relationship with the Cow.
So finally someone stayed up late and bared souls with me. It was a little painful and a lot wonderful.
~~~~
I really like him but I can see stuff about him I don't like. Am I supposed to be in a love-struck blindness to his faults? I hope not. I am a little freaked out by how easy this has been so far. I kinda think it could work....
Wednesday 14 September 2016
Sleepover NSFW
So last Sunday night I stayed over at his house. I ran out the door telling my mother in a gulp 'Ok I'mgoingtoSilverFox's tonight andI'mstayingover, bye!'
It took an hour and a half on the bus to get to his place.
I made pizza for us. Have I mentioned that he eats mostly (nutritional supplement)? It drives me nuts. He has almost no groceries on hand so I brought everything.
Then we watched a movie on his laptop, cuddling on the couch. I was feeling gassy (oh so sexy) and wanted to take off my jeans and belt, so I changed into some pjs. He suggested we move to the bed upstairs. He got naked. I stayed clothed but cuddled up. We did finish watching the movie in bed but then we were all over each other.
I blush like a schoolgirl talking about sex in 'normal life' but in bed I have learned to be pretty open.
We used the vibrator on me and that got my stupid cranky old muscles down there to relax. I said something about 'it' being difficult and he said 'I have funny genitalia too.' Which made me laugh so hard. Good thing he saw the absurdity too. We high-fived.
He got on top of me. We achieved penetration but uh...he doesn't thrust. He flexed it. Maybe he thought he was thrusting? I don't know but it didn't do anything for me.
I went on top. He made the most amazing faces of pleasure. But then he winced and said he was freaked out about his penis getting bent. I got off and he told me about how erections work and that penises can be broken. He said his ex did stuff that bent him. He seemed to know it was an irrational fear but sheesh, this is going to be hard to work with.
This sort of killed the mood but we just cuddled. We seem to like just looking into each other's faces. In fact, he said 'I just like looking at you.' I like his eyes. And he wanted to go again and we tried a new position (for him) that was a success. But again, not so much on the thrusting. Pick a rhythm already!
So it was a lot of fun but not the skill level I'm used to. And I feel like our exes came to bed with us but hopefully we can forget about them and learn together what works for us.
In the morning we did play around again but I guess he wasn't able to go again? I didn't really understand why it didn't happen and didn't ask, but we cuddled and caressed for a long time and I was purring like a cat. So a pretty ok substitute.
We were supposed to meet up with his best friend at lunch but he cut himself shaving in the morning and almost cancelled because he was self-conscious about the big gash on his face. How can insecurity be so self-important? No one is going to notice because they are all the centre of their own universes. Anyways, he was persuaded into going and I meet his friend and her two little girls.
He met this friend age 14 in the early internet messaging boards. I asked why they never dated. Well, she dated his older brother while he had a crush on her. Poor boy! But they've been friends for life, even though she is now married with kids. She seemed nice but we were at a playground and it's hard to socialize while someone is parenting.
She asked how we met and Silver Fox said we met at the festival. Which is true, but it left out the part about online dating, and since he'd told me that's how she met her husband, I can't figure out why he'd not be open about it.
~~~
I told Nerdboy that I was bringing a date to (festival we used to do together) and he sorta reacted badly. He said 'all I ask is that you don't go to the same shows as me', which of course I was not going to do. But then he posted something on facebook about being his own worst enemy, cancelled his birthday party, and the next day wrote to me 'You deserve to be loved and I know we got here because of my decision but it's still going to hurt to see you with someone else, just as it will be unpleasant for you when/if I meet someone'.
Well, he already has dated again, and spoke openly to me about it. And I cried about it, but I didn't write to him to tell him about my pain.
I could have said that (and a whole bunch more), but I just said comforting things because I didn't want him to be hurt. Why do women do this?
I cried all morning about it. I'm not quite over him, and he's not quite over me.
Stupid boy. It was your choice. I would have come back, up until about a month ago when we cuddled on your couch and you didn't ask for me back.
But now it's my decision too and I'm going to move forward.
It took an hour and a half on the bus to get to his place.
I made pizza for us. Have I mentioned that he eats mostly (nutritional supplement)? It drives me nuts. He has almost no groceries on hand so I brought everything.
Then we watched a movie on his laptop, cuddling on the couch. I was feeling gassy (oh so sexy) and wanted to take off my jeans and belt, so I changed into some pjs. He suggested we move to the bed upstairs. He got naked. I stayed clothed but cuddled up. We did finish watching the movie in bed but then we were all over each other.
I blush like a schoolgirl talking about sex in 'normal life' but in bed I have learned to be pretty open.
We used the vibrator on me and that got my stupid cranky old muscles down there to relax. I said something about 'it' being difficult and he said 'I have funny genitalia too.' Which made me laugh so hard. Good thing he saw the absurdity too. We high-fived.
He got on top of me. We achieved penetration but uh...he doesn't thrust. He flexed it. Maybe he thought he was thrusting? I don't know but it didn't do anything for me.
I went on top. He made the most amazing faces of pleasure. But then he winced and said he was freaked out about his penis getting bent. I got off and he told me about how erections work and that penises can be broken. He said his ex did stuff that bent him. He seemed to know it was an irrational fear but sheesh, this is going to be hard to work with.
This sort of killed the mood but we just cuddled. We seem to like just looking into each other's faces. In fact, he said 'I just like looking at you.' I like his eyes. And he wanted to go again and we tried a new position (for him) that was a success. But again, not so much on the thrusting. Pick a rhythm already!
So it was a lot of fun but not the skill level I'm used to. And I feel like our exes came to bed with us but hopefully we can forget about them and learn together what works for us.
In the morning we did play around again but I guess he wasn't able to go again? I didn't really understand why it didn't happen and didn't ask, but we cuddled and caressed for a long time and I was purring like a cat. So a pretty ok substitute.
We were supposed to meet up with his best friend at lunch but he cut himself shaving in the morning and almost cancelled because he was self-conscious about the big gash on his face. How can insecurity be so self-important? No one is going to notice because they are all the centre of their own universes. Anyways, he was persuaded into going and I meet his friend and her two little girls.
He met this friend age 14 in the early internet messaging boards. I asked why they never dated. Well, she dated his older brother while he had a crush on her. Poor boy! But they've been friends for life, even though she is now married with kids. She seemed nice but we were at a playground and it's hard to socialize while someone is parenting.
She asked how we met and Silver Fox said we met at the festival. Which is true, but it left out the part about online dating, and since he'd told me that's how she met her husband, I can't figure out why he'd not be open about it.
~~~
I told Nerdboy that I was bringing a date to (festival we used to do together) and he sorta reacted badly. He said 'all I ask is that you don't go to the same shows as me', which of course I was not going to do. But then he posted something on facebook about being his own worst enemy, cancelled his birthday party, and the next day wrote to me 'You deserve to be loved and I know we got here because of my decision but it's still going to hurt to see you with someone else, just as it will be unpleasant for you when/if I meet someone'.
Well, he already has dated again, and spoke openly to me about it. And I cried about it, but I didn't write to him to tell him about my pain.
I could have said that (and a whole bunch more), but I just said comforting things because I didn't want him to be hurt. Why do women do this?
I cried all morning about it. I'm not quite over him, and he's not quite over me.
Stupid boy. It was your choice. I would have come back, up until about a month ago when we cuddled on your couch and you didn't ask for me back.
But now it's my decision too and I'm going to move forward.
Saturday 10 September 2016
Technical Difficulties
Date 4
Well I was going camping with my girlfriend but Silver Fox and I decided to sneak in a date before I left. We went out to dinner and I went back to his house.
I felt like I was marching to my doom as we walked there.
We sat on the couch and I told him about the pain-during-sex thing.
He said, "Did you think I would be put off by it?"
Actually, no. I trusted him pretty easily with that. He told me about his ED and how his ex wasn't nice about it. And he said...."Well if it doesn't work we can do other things that are fun. And uh...if you want to maybe do those other things tonight, I need to take the pill now."
I blushed. We talked about something else.
"How long does the pill take to work?"
"About half an hour."
"Take the pill."
And he did, and we sat on the couch again.
"Um...now what do we do?"
Silver Fox said, "Well we could talk about what you like....... (long pause) ....in bed."
I tried but I got embarrassed. He was much more at ease than I was but pretty soon we were just kissing and he said 'Do you want to go upstairs?'
And we did, and we undressed and he's got a dad-bod. At one point, he said, "I'm nervous because I only did this with one other person."
It was going well, but penetration didn't work because my body is DIFFICULT.
So we (CENSORED) which was my idea and he hadn't done it.
I think it was a success.
And we agreed we were boyfriend-girlfriend. That sounds dorky for two 35-year-olds. But you know what I mean.
I like this one.
I will sleep over tomorrow.
Well I was going camping with my girlfriend but Silver Fox and I decided to sneak in a date before I left. We went out to dinner and I went back to his house.
I felt like I was marching to my doom as we walked there.
We sat on the couch and I told him about the pain-during-sex thing.
He said, "Did you think I would be put off by it?"
Actually, no. I trusted him pretty easily with that. He told me about his ED and how his ex wasn't nice about it. And he said...."Well if it doesn't work we can do other things that are fun. And uh...if you want to maybe do those other things tonight, I need to take the pill now."
I blushed. We talked about something else.
"How long does the pill take to work?"
"About half an hour."
"Take the pill."
And he did, and we sat on the couch again.
"Um...now what do we do?"
Silver Fox said, "Well we could talk about what you like....... (long pause) ....in bed."
I tried but I got embarrassed. He was much more at ease than I was but pretty soon we were just kissing and he said 'Do you want to go upstairs?'
And we did, and we undressed and he's got a dad-bod. At one point, he said, "I'm nervous because I only did this with one other person."
It was going well, but penetration didn't work because my body is DIFFICULT.
So we (CENSORED) which was my idea and he hadn't done it.
I think it was a success.
And we agreed we were boyfriend-girlfriend. That sounds dorky for two 35-year-olds. But you know what I mean.
I like this one.
I will sleep over tomorrow.
Monday 5 September 2016
That escalated quickly
Date 3 with Silver Fox.
We met for a movie in the afternoon. I wasn't sure if we should touch during the screening. I keep leaning way over and eventually I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn't keep it there long. I really couldn't tell if he liked it.
We went to a park after for a picnic dinner. It was all very intellectual conversation until he noticed I was ripping jelly beans in half before I ate them. I said, "..Uh I think it's because I'm nervous."
"You're nervous? I want you to feel at ease with me"
"Aren't you nervous?"
"No, I'm relaxed now."
And a pause . "Would it be okay if I put my arm around you?"
So I snuggled in. We were on a bench with a great view of the whole city. Conversation died because I was so electrified that all coherent thoughts disappeared. After a while he said he was getting cold, maybe we should go indoors? It was only 8 o'clock. I thought we were going to a coffee shop, but he said..."or you could come over."
"Uh, I'm thinking about it."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, if that's what you're worried about."
I agreed. He lives in suburbs and it took an hour to get there. And then I'm in his place, owned by his parents, and he makes me tea. He opens the cupboard to get some cups, and there's all his medicine. "Well you might be wondering why I have this (erection medication). Some of my pills have sexual side effects. I just wanted to be proactive and tell you about it in case it was weird for you."
Well, yeah that was but it seemed a reasonable explanation and we moved on. It was the first time sex had been mentioned.
There was a discussion about me NOT sleeping over and what time I could still get home on transit. 11pm. I wasn't sure if I should call my mother. I didn't. I set the alarm on my phone.
We sat on the couch. I asked about him asking me out so soon after a breakup. He said his ex had some mental health issues and constantly threatened to break up with him. He said it wasn't her fault but he was glad to be out of it.
He said he was feeling nervous now that we were alone and dating was difficult for him. I said I hadn't started dating until I was 30 and he said it was about the same for him.
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
"One."
"Two for me. Not girlfriends, ha."
I couldn't believe we'd found each other. Nerdboy had so much experience and maybe that was good for me but this was a relief.
He said he always asked for permission before he touched me (He did ask for every kiss) because he'd been bullied and hurt as a child, and was very careful about touch.
Nerdboy had rules about being touched too.
And then we were kissing, and I couldn't handle the tongue...Nerdboy never French-kissed and I just giggled. I had to tell Silver Fox what was going on and he said, "Well I like tongue but we don't have to." "No I like it, it's just been a while." And then we were lying down and kissing and it was so nice and we'd stop and look into each other's eyes and smile. He touched my face and my hair so gently.
Nerdboy never did that. I felt like I'd been starved.
"Are you sure you don't want to sleep over?"
Oh, I was tempted but I just wasn't ready.
The buzzer went off and he walked me to the bus stop. His goodbyes are a little less than sentimental, just a wave and goodbye but I think he just gets nervous.
so....that happened.
We met for a movie in the afternoon. I wasn't sure if we should touch during the screening. I keep leaning way over and eventually I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn't keep it there long. I really couldn't tell if he liked it.
We went to a park after for a picnic dinner. It was all very intellectual conversation until he noticed I was ripping jelly beans in half before I ate them. I said, "..Uh I think it's because I'm nervous."
"You're nervous? I want you to feel at ease with me"
"Aren't you nervous?"
"No, I'm relaxed now."
And a pause . "Would it be okay if I put my arm around you?"
So I snuggled in. We were on a bench with a great view of the whole city. Conversation died because I was so electrified that all coherent thoughts disappeared. After a while he said he was getting cold, maybe we should go indoors? It was only 8 o'clock. I thought we were going to a coffee shop, but he said..."or you could come over."
"Uh, I'm thinking about it."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, if that's what you're worried about."
I agreed. He lives in suburbs and it took an hour to get there. And then I'm in his place, owned by his parents, and he makes me tea. He opens the cupboard to get some cups, and there's all his medicine. "Well you might be wondering why I have this (erection medication). Some of my pills have sexual side effects. I just wanted to be proactive and tell you about it in case it was weird for you."
Well, yeah that was but it seemed a reasonable explanation and we moved on. It was the first time sex had been mentioned.
There was a discussion about me NOT sleeping over and what time I could still get home on transit. 11pm. I wasn't sure if I should call my mother. I didn't. I set the alarm on my phone.
We sat on the couch. I asked about him asking me out so soon after a breakup. He said his ex had some mental health issues and constantly threatened to break up with him. He said it wasn't her fault but he was glad to be out of it.
He said he was feeling nervous now that we were alone and dating was difficult for him. I said I hadn't started dating until I was 30 and he said it was about the same for him.
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
"One."
"Two for me. Not girlfriends, ha."
I couldn't believe we'd found each other. Nerdboy had so much experience and maybe that was good for me but this was a relief.
He said he always asked for permission before he touched me (He did ask for every kiss) because he'd been bullied and hurt as a child, and was very careful about touch.
Nerdboy had rules about being touched too.
And then we were kissing, and I couldn't handle the tongue...Nerdboy never French-kissed and I just giggled. I had to tell Silver Fox what was going on and he said, "Well I like tongue but we don't have to." "No I like it, it's just been a while." And then we were lying down and kissing and it was so nice and we'd stop and look into each other's eyes and smile. He touched my face and my hair so gently.
Nerdboy never did that. I felt like I'd been starved.
"Are you sure you don't want to sleep over?"
Oh, I was tempted but I just wasn't ready.
The buzzer went off and he walked me to the bus stop. His goodbyes are a little less than sentimental, just a wave and goodbye but I think he just gets nervous.
so....that happened.
Wednesday 31 August 2016
Second Date
Well, we seem to like each other.
Silver Fox phoned to say he would be late. I met him at the bus and we went to my studio and I showed him what I was working on. It was fun at first but then I got embarrassed by the 'show and tell'.
We walked up to a pub for dinner and we played Scrabble.
I was not really feeling it. He's very intellectual and wanted to discuss philosophy and politics constantly. Which I like, but I was having trouble keeping up with the jargon and was a bit worried he was emotionally locked up or something. And he has small feminine hands that are a bit disappointing.
The board game helped us relax I think. I had a girly drink, so I got a bit light headed. He just had coffee.
The pub was crowded and noisy so we went for a walk and ended up in a park. And I asked somewhat personal questions and at last we were really talking. I could get a sense of who he was.
He is very shy. Very very shy. But he did manage to ask me out (not even 24 hours after his breakup).
We talked about the environment, and childhood (he was bullied) and family and it was getting dark and we looked at the stars. He asked if I liked OKCupid. I laughed. Uh, no. I told him about the guy who wanted me to grow my hair long. I said quietly, 'You're the only person I ever messaged'
He said, I'm honoured.
Finally I said I couldn't sit any longer and we walked back to the bus. He got quiet. He said something about wishing there were better movies out, which I think was a lead up to planning a second date but we got sidetracked talking about movies.
Another pause, and he said "I'm glad you messaged me because I like you."
I slipped my hand into his. He said, "you have soft hands. Well, one, anyways."
We let go to go on a narrow part of the path and he didn't pick it up again when we were walking side by side again. I was wondering how this was going to end when he said, "I get very shy about these things but would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?" And I turned and faced him and we did two short kisses. He has a bit of suction to his kisses! Nerdboy didn't kiss much.
His bus came, another quick kiss and a wave goodbye.
He wrote to say he had a great time and hopes to hang out soon.
I feel excited. A bit of confusion. Nerdboy is still around. We saw a movie together last week, and text frequently. And his parents are moving to Small City and he said he was seriously thinking of moving there too. Specifically, because I had suggested he come with me if I go. (On the night we cuddled on his couch)
I can't help but compare the old with the new. Silver Fox can converse at a much deeper level than Nerdboy. But he is also very shy and dislikes loud and noisy environments. He can't cook or drive and I'm guessing he's not good at fixing or building. I would say Nerdboy and I had a more similar sense of fun. So Nerdboy got a bit of a nostalgia glow for a moment, but there were also real problems in empathy and closeness.
So. How to draw boundaries with Nerdboy? Should I move cities? Should I not be dating if leaving?
Silver Fox phoned to say he would be late. I met him at the bus and we went to my studio and I showed him what I was working on. It was fun at first but then I got embarrassed by the 'show and tell'.
We walked up to a pub for dinner and we played Scrabble.
I was not really feeling it. He's very intellectual and wanted to discuss philosophy and politics constantly. Which I like, but I was having trouble keeping up with the jargon and was a bit worried he was emotionally locked up or something. And he has small feminine hands that are a bit disappointing.
The board game helped us relax I think. I had a girly drink, so I got a bit light headed. He just had coffee.
The pub was crowded and noisy so we went for a walk and ended up in a park. And I asked somewhat personal questions and at last we were really talking. I could get a sense of who he was.
He is very shy. Very very shy. But he did manage to ask me out (not even 24 hours after his breakup).
We talked about the environment, and childhood (he was bullied) and family and it was getting dark and we looked at the stars. He asked if I liked OKCupid. I laughed. Uh, no. I told him about the guy who wanted me to grow my hair long. I said quietly, 'You're the only person I ever messaged'
He said, I'm honoured.
Finally I said I couldn't sit any longer and we walked back to the bus. He got quiet. He said something about wishing there were better movies out, which I think was a lead up to planning a second date but we got sidetracked talking about movies.
Another pause, and he said "I'm glad you messaged me because I like you."
I slipped my hand into his. He said, "you have soft hands. Well, one, anyways."
We let go to go on a narrow part of the path and he didn't pick it up again when we were walking side by side again. I was wondering how this was going to end when he said, "I get very shy about these things but would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?" And I turned and faced him and we did two short kisses. He has a bit of suction to his kisses! Nerdboy didn't kiss much.
His bus came, another quick kiss and a wave goodbye.
He wrote to say he had a great time and hopes to hang out soon.
I feel excited. A bit of confusion. Nerdboy is still around. We saw a movie together last week, and text frequently. And his parents are moving to Small City and he said he was seriously thinking of moving there too. Specifically, because I had suggested he come with me if I go. (On the night we cuddled on his couch)
I can't help but compare the old with the new. Silver Fox can converse at a much deeper level than Nerdboy. But he is also very shy and dislikes loud and noisy environments. He can't cook or drive and I'm guessing he's not good at fixing or building. I would say Nerdboy and I had a more similar sense of fun. So Nerdboy got a bit of a nostalgia glow for a moment, but there were also real problems in empathy and closeness.
So. How to draw boundaries with Nerdboy? Should I move cities? Should I not be dating if leaving?
Wednesday 24 August 2016
Silver Fox
So, my first date as a single woman.
We met today for coffee, around 3pm. Afternoon dates are weird because there's no set end time. I had suggested 2 hours, I could have pretended to have an evening engagement but I didn't.
We met at a coffee shop, I was early. Silver Fox (as I have nicknamed him) had bought some books at a used book store and we talked about those. He is studying philosophy and very easily slips into 'lecture mode' and uses a lot of big words I don't get. I am pretty happy to discuss big ideas, so I tried to hang in there but sometimes I had to stop him.
Conversation was awkward at first but I did get a quick sketch of his life. People are so surprising. He dropped out of high school and went to alternative school. He's also a former smoker. He seems really straight-laced.
After two drinks in the cafe we went wandering and found a park to sit in.
When we looked at the clock, it was almost 7pm.
So we are going to see each other again.
He wrote to say he was feeling shy today and hoped he wasn't too awkward.
I don't know what I think. It was a very intellectual discussion, above my head, and I could only get a few glimpses of him as a person.
We hugged, if you're wondering, and that's it.
We met today for coffee, around 3pm. Afternoon dates are weird because there's no set end time. I had suggested 2 hours, I could have pretended to have an evening engagement but I didn't.
We met at a coffee shop, I was early. Silver Fox (as I have nicknamed him) had bought some books at a used book store and we talked about those. He is studying philosophy and very easily slips into 'lecture mode' and uses a lot of big words I don't get. I am pretty happy to discuss big ideas, so I tried to hang in there but sometimes I had to stop him.
Conversation was awkward at first but I did get a quick sketch of his life. People are so surprising. He dropped out of high school and went to alternative school. He's also a former smoker. He seems really straight-laced.
After two drinks in the cafe we went wandering and found a park to sit in.
When we looked at the clock, it was almost 7pm.
So we are going to see each other again.
He wrote to say he was feeling shy today and hoped he wasn't too awkward.
I don't know what I think. It was a very intellectual discussion, above my head, and I could only get a few glimpses of him as a person.
We hugged, if you're wondering, and that's it.
Friday 19 August 2016
And then stuff happens...
Ok where to start.
1. Honest Abe had a line in his profile that said, I don't care if you have a few extra pounds but if you don't have a full body shot in your profile I'm going to ask. Well, I don't have a full body shot up, so I decided to get that issue out of the way and said I was about a size 12.
I got this message back that said he didn't know what that meant so he looked at lingerie models online but couldn't tell if he'd be attracted to me. He then went on to say he'd probably demand I grow my hair long.
I told him I was not interested. You want a woman with long hair, I want someone who respects my grooming choices.
Do you think he had a full body shot posted on his profile, the hypocrite?
2. Nerdboy.
So, much of this is my fault. I had his picnic bag to return, and we had requested a movie at the library six months ago and it finally came my turn. So, I suggested I come by Sunday evening to drop off the bag, and I'd watch the movie, and then he could watch the movie and then return it. He said, let's watch it together.
Bad idea, but of course I agree. So I go over to his place, and he makes dinner, and we just seem so happy to see each other, I joke he should move to Small City with me. And then we put on the fairly romantic movie, and we're sitting next to each other on the couch. Elbows touch. Shoulders touch. I lean on his shoulder. We play with each other's hands. That's all that happened. We cuddled through the movie. I did say stuff like "we've done this before" and 'What are we doing?'
After we played MarioKart.
I went home, and at the door, there was a long hug "I missed you" "I missed you too"
"You think about this"
"I screwed it up" (that evening, or the whole relationship?)
I went home thinking we were on the cusp of trying again.
Monday morning woke up to a random text from him about the movie 'The Martian'
He was silent all day. I cried.
Tuesday I had dinner with him again and we went for a walk. and he talked about online dating, camping, other future plans, in a way that signaled to me that we were just friends in his mind. He said he wasn't dating Eldorada, she had a boyfriend, but she lived near by and they hung out often. Then we went to her house to pick up something so I HAD TO MEET HER! It was a very weird day. We didn't talk about Sunday. But I went back to his house and we watched tv, not touching and then he sorta moved his shoulder towards me meaningfully and we cuddled again.
Wednesday he helped with my waste volunteer project. (Which he didn't do when we were together!)
Friday we went for a walk, totally platonic. He joked about me sleeping on his porch because we both need to be at the same place tomorrow.
Tomorrow I see him again for the arts festival we used to do together.
I think friends-with-cuddling-privileges is a bit weird but maybe it's how we're saying goodbye.
Today I feel like I love him dearly but don't need to be in a relationship any more.
I guess it would still feed my ego to still be wanted by him.
3. Home
Car went to shop, car came back undriveable and the mechanic is on vacation. I don't know what he did but it feels like the handbrake is always on.
Mom is having minor surgery and will need to rest for a month.
The battle against the mice continues.
This is all very stressful.
I got my hair cut and dyed. I like it.
4. Silver Fox
Oh some good news, maybe? I noticed today that Silver Fox had his profile back up. I had written to him, he had just got back together with his girlfriend, we bumped into each other later, we follow each other on Twitter.
I was planning to write to him. His twitter showed he had gotten dumped maybe a day ago.
I thought I'd wait a day or two, considering what he'd just gone through.
Nope, he wrote to me.
I wrote back.
He wrote back and asked me to coffee.
I said yes but in a few days as I have a friend over from out of town.
He didn't write back.
I can see he's online, but maybe he just left a browser open.
I think it will still happen, but I would feel better if he said 'Great, how bout Wednesday?'
But, I will say that tomorrow if he doesn't follow up.
1. Honest Abe had a line in his profile that said, I don't care if you have a few extra pounds but if you don't have a full body shot in your profile I'm going to ask. Well, I don't have a full body shot up, so I decided to get that issue out of the way and said I was about a size 12.
I got this message back that said he didn't know what that meant so he looked at lingerie models online but couldn't tell if he'd be attracted to me. He then went on to say he'd probably demand I grow my hair long.
I told him I was not interested. You want a woman with long hair, I want someone who respects my grooming choices.
Do you think he had a full body shot posted on his profile, the hypocrite?
2. Nerdboy.
So, much of this is my fault. I had his picnic bag to return, and we had requested a movie at the library six months ago and it finally came my turn. So, I suggested I come by Sunday evening to drop off the bag, and I'd watch the movie, and then he could watch the movie and then return it. He said, let's watch it together.
Bad idea, but of course I agree. So I go over to his place, and he makes dinner, and we just seem so happy to see each other, I joke he should move to Small City with me. And then we put on the fairly romantic movie, and we're sitting next to each other on the couch. Elbows touch. Shoulders touch. I lean on his shoulder. We play with each other's hands. That's all that happened. We cuddled through the movie. I did say stuff like "we've done this before" and 'What are we doing?'
After we played MarioKart.
I went home, and at the door, there was a long hug "I missed you" "I missed you too"
"You think about this"
"I screwed it up" (that evening, or the whole relationship?)
I went home thinking we were on the cusp of trying again.
Monday morning woke up to a random text from him about the movie 'The Martian'
He was silent all day. I cried.
Tuesday I had dinner with him again and we went for a walk. and he talked about online dating, camping, other future plans, in a way that signaled to me that we were just friends in his mind. He said he wasn't dating Eldorada, she had a boyfriend, but she lived near by and they hung out often. Then we went to her house to pick up something so I HAD TO MEET HER! It was a very weird day. We didn't talk about Sunday. But I went back to his house and we watched tv, not touching and then he sorta moved his shoulder towards me meaningfully and we cuddled again.
Wednesday he helped with my waste volunteer project. (Which he didn't do when we were together!)
Friday we went for a walk, totally platonic. He joked about me sleeping on his porch because we both need to be at the same place tomorrow.
Tomorrow I see him again for the arts festival we used to do together.
I think friends-with-cuddling-privileges is a bit weird but maybe it's how we're saying goodbye.
Today I feel like I love him dearly but don't need to be in a relationship any more.
I guess it would still feed my ego to still be wanted by him.
3. Home
Car went to shop, car came back undriveable and the mechanic is on vacation. I don't know what he did but it feels like the handbrake is always on.
Mom is having minor surgery and will need to rest for a month.
The battle against the mice continues.
This is all very stressful.
I got my hair cut and dyed. I like it.
4. Silver Fox
Oh some good news, maybe? I noticed today that Silver Fox had his profile back up. I had written to him, he had just got back together with his girlfriend, we bumped into each other later, we follow each other on Twitter.
I was planning to write to him. His twitter showed he had gotten dumped maybe a day ago.
I thought I'd wait a day or two, considering what he'd just gone through.
Nope, he wrote to me.
I wrote back.
He wrote back and asked me to coffee.
I said yes but in a few days as I have a friend over from out of town.
He didn't write back.
I can see he's online, but maybe he just left a browser open.
I think it will still happen, but I would feel better if he said 'Great, how bout Wednesday?'
But, I will say that tomorrow if he doesn't follow up.
Saturday 13 August 2016
can't move forward
How many doubts did I have about Nerdboy? But he rejects me and suddenly I can't live without him. I still cry at least once a week
I saw on his facebook he had posted a cartoon about a guy being surrounded by little floating hearts and he bats them away and says 'stupid bugs'.
his new Friend, whom I will call Eldorada, had liked it.
Which to me, was indisputably proof they were dating. (although if he posted it Saturday morning, and she liked it right away, they probably weren't in bed cuddling together...) But, pretty sure that means he can think about being in love again.
I looked Eldorada up. She's a graphic designer/artist. And skinny. So it seemed like I had been replaced with a more successful version of me. It stings.
And I cried all day.
Fortunately I left on my trip the next day, and was kept distracted by seeing friends and family.
I do want to move there but am so scared. It's smaller, harder to find work as an artist. Cheaper but still not comfortable. But I'd be able to get outside more, and driving/traffic wouldn't be so bad as the big city.
(Oh, my car is puffing blue smoke right now....I hope it's fixable. My mom estimated $1000 in repairs if the oil is leaking into the engine)
I saw a school friend on my trip, and she had a business proposition for me-- she wants to open an art studio with me as head teacher. That would be a good job for me, she'd do all the organizing and admin, and take on the financial risk. But it's just an idea right now, and six months away from being a reality, and maybe a year or two away from being a viable business...
But, it's tempting.
Nerdboy texted me while I was away, wanted to know if I'd go for a walk with him...I said I wasn't in town.
When I got back, my mom was talking about us living together for a long time....making plans to find a little house with a studio for me
My safety net is turning into a sticky spider's web.
Mom's house is overrun with mice and we are cleaning everything. Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time, I could just do without the mouse poop.
~~~
So, I'm not a virgin anymore (the one thing Nerdboy handled gracefully, the biggest gift he gave me) but I keep this blog going. I still feel my inexperience. This breakup is crushing, and I should have had my heart broken age 18 not 34.
Realizing that the thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world, probably these past 10 years, was a partner. And I would still go back, if Nerdboy reached out his hand, even though I can see more clearly what I want now.
A few people are messaging me on OKCupid, but nobody I'm excited about. One guy had the bluntest profile about what he wanted, and is not limiting himself to those in his geographic area. He's about 5 hours away from me, in the opposite direction from where I'd like to relocate. He shall be called Honest Abe, should his story continue any further.
I am still mooning over Faraway Crush, but not sure if I should write to him now or wait until I've actually moved to his city. I feel like he needs order in his life and I will be too chaotic, the way I was for Nerdboy.
~~~
You know what? I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, but there were still a few hangups. (I don't initiate it very easily, and Nerdboy and I did not have quite the sex life I was hoping for)
But the thought of having sex with what will be my second partner---terrifying. Like, it seems dangerous somehow.
Every other person on OKC seems to be into polyamory or something kinky. I'm pretty vanilla and I don't want to do that stuff. And I don't want to explain to someone else about the late virginity and the pain if not done right...
Almost entirely, my sexual experience is with Nerdboy and the thought of someone else doing those things isn't titillating, it's anxiety-inducing.
I saw on his facebook he had posted a cartoon about a guy being surrounded by little floating hearts and he bats them away and says 'stupid bugs'.
his new Friend, whom I will call Eldorada, had liked it.
Which to me, was indisputably proof they were dating. (although if he posted it Saturday morning, and she liked it right away, they probably weren't in bed cuddling together...) But, pretty sure that means he can think about being in love again.
I looked Eldorada up. She's a graphic designer/artist. And skinny. So it seemed like I had been replaced with a more successful version of me. It stings.
And I cried all day.
Fortunately I left on my trip the next day, and was kept distracted by seeing friends and family.
I do want to move there but am so scared. It's smaller, harder to find work as an artist. Cheaper but still not comfortable. But I'd be able to get outside more, and driving/traffic wouldn't be so bad as the big city.
(Oh, my car is puffing blue smoke right now....I hope it's fixable. My mom estimated $1000 in repairs if the oil is leaking into the engine)
I saw a school friend on my trip, and she had a business proposition for me-- she wants to open an art studio with me as head teacher. That would be a good job for me, she'd do all the organizing and admin, and take on the financial risk. But it's just an idea right now, and six months away from being a reality, and maybe a year or two away from being a viable business...
But, it's tempting.
Nerdboy texted me while I was away, wanted to know if I'd go for a walk with him...I said I wasn't in town.
When I got back, my mom was talking about us living together for a long time....making plans to find a little house with a studio for me
My safety net is turning into a sticky spider's web.
Mom's house is overrun with mice and we are cleaning everything. Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time, I could just do without the mouse poop.
~~~
So, I'm not a virgin anymore (the one thing Nerdboy handled gracefully, the biggest gift he gave me) but I keep this blog going. I still feel my inexperience. This breakup is crushing, and I should have had my heart broken age 18 not 34.
Realizing that the thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world, probably these past 10 years, was a partner. And I would still go back, if Nerdboy reached out his hand, even though I can see more clearly what I want now.
A few people are messaging me on OKCupid, but nobody I'm excited about. One guy had the bluntest profile about what he wanted, and is not limiting himself to those in his geographic area. He's about 5 hours away from me, in the opposite direction from where I'd like to relocate. He shall be called Honest Abe, should his story continue any further.
I am still mooning over Faraway Crush, but not sure if I should write to him now or wait until I've actually moved to his city. I feel like he needs order in his life and I will be too chaotic, the way I was for Nerdboy.
~~~
You know what? I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, but there were still a few hangups. (I don't initiate it very easily, and Nerdboy and I did not have quite the sex life I was hoping for)
But the thought of having sex with what will be my second partner---terrifying. Like, it seems dangerous somehow.
Every other person on OKC seems to be into polyamory or something kinky. I'm pretty vanilla and I don't want to do that stuff. And I don't want to explain to someone else about the late virginity and the pain if not done right...
Almost entirely, my sexual experience is with Nerdboy and the thought of someone else doing those things isn't titillating, it's anxiety-inducing.
Friday 5 August 2016
lost and confused, so what else is new?
Let's see.... totally froze up at a job interview this week. hating myself because of it. I needed that job!
I'm still looking at moving, so I'm going to visit another city this weekend.
It's hard not knowing where to jump. Meanwhile, I've been at Mom's six months now, and no plans to get my own place. No plans, no funds.
I'm hardly working right now.
I reopened dating profile on OKC. No interesting messages. Depressing.
I hesitate to message people when I am thinking of leaving town....
Nerdboy...
I didn't talk to him for a month but I still had him on facebook. I saw he was having a hard time from a 'vaguebook' sad post, and started an online conversation with him. He was worried about his mom's health. He was really happy I'd reached out.
We didn't talk after that. I took his posts out of my newsfeed, but I still went to his page like a freakin' STALKER.
I could see he'd made some new female friends and was going nuts wondering if he was dating any of them. Three of them, and they comment on his posts all the time. And one day I got an invite from Nerdboy to a movie he knows I wouldn't like.... one of the new friends' names also starts with 'El...'
Did he click on the wrong person in sending the invite? I shouldn't even be wondering that.
I unfriended him.
And I went a little crazy not being able to check on him but it was probably for the best...
But I saw he was online one day about a week later and I said 'sorry i unfriended you'
which started a weird conversation where at one point he said 'I'm just not cool enough or interesting enough'
I was confused. "For a new job?"
"For anything. Or maybe I just don't know how to be happy"
I ended the conversation. I don't want to hear about his dating fails (which I think was what he meant by being uninteresting...) and if he has regrets about losing me...that just stirs things up. As you will read. I really should just stay away.
But I think it was the day after that, a friend request came in on facebook, from Nerdboy.
So I think we were not friends for a whole week.
At the same time, he sent me a message-- 'So I sent you a friend request and it can just wait until you're ready. Or you can delete it.'
A friend request hanging there from him would just have so much emotional weight to it. Why couldn't he just let me decide when I was ready to do that?
I just accepted it.
I was kinda thinking he wasn't dating any of those women, and missing me. Sigh! Ego.
I went to get some stuff of mine he still had. He came out from his house and loaded up my car. He had all these little gifts for me- fresh cooking and frozen berries.
I said...Do you want to go for a walk?
He paled. 'I have a friend over...... another time?'
I got in the car. He went back in the house, pausing twice to look back at me.
When I got home I found out the friend was the other 'El' woman because she'd posted pictures of their dinner. She likes everything he posts on facebook and accepts all his 'Does anybody want to do this thing with me?' open invites.
And he'd shared one of my environmental events, and because she likes everything he does, she'd said she was going.
Making them the two most clueless people on the planet.
Monday 18 July 2016
small updates
My mom is back from England. I cleaned and cleaned but it doesn't look much better than when she left (unless you open cupboards.)
The house is in bad shape. There was a mouse infestation, although I think that mostly been cleaned up.
When Nerdboy and I were discussing why we broke up, the harshest thing that came out was "I work full time, I jog, and I do the chores. Why can't you get it done?"
The fact that I spent 4 times as many hours as him commuting a week aside, there was some truth in it. I don't have it together. Maybe it comes from my parents, neither were good housekeepers and I grew up always ashamed of my house. When I was a teenager I started to deep clean but I had to work around emotional resistance from other family members.
I feel like cleaning Mom's house is cleaning away all that past stuff that's weighing on my family.
~~~
I did talk to Nerdboy last week. Just two days short of a month of silence. I stalked his facebook page and saw that he was having a bad time so I messaged him. He was worried about his mother's health, she had skin cancer, and was awaiting results on her treatment. He was really thankful that I had reached out. The next day he updated me that his mother's health was clear.
I had a hard time living alone while Mom was travelling, and I miss him badly. But I don't think I could go back.
I have a feeling we're not quite done with each other, but hopefully with some time we can be friends
~~~
Walrus (my first boyfriend) followed me on Instagram and I found out he's in a relationship. Is it bad that I was surprised? When I was dating him his medical issues were too much to handle.
I did try to look up who she was, but couldn't find anything but one photo. Looks cute.
~~~
Ok, remember I tried online dating? I wrote to one guy, Silver Fox, but he had just got back together with his ex. But we added each other on Twitter. I stopped thinking about him, until he commented on one of my tweets about the upcoming arts festival we both work at. I started to get excited I would meet him. Not expecting anything to happen, but even a new friend, a new male friend, is pretty rare.
So I spotted him on Friday at the very end of the night as I was leaving and I walked past him. Because I'm shy, I guess. My whole body got the shivers.
Saturday night I got stationed in the same section as him. I could see him across the road. I was watching him, he was watching me (but we both had our jobs to do) Finally he came over and introduced himself and shook my hand. There was some awkward conversation but he was friendly.
Oh, and I was facepainted to look like a raccoon. Because, I just can't be normal with a normal life.
Anyways, that was sort of a non-event, I think he's still with his girlfriend. It doesn't hurt to be on his radar if it doesn't work out....haha. I'm not really serious about this crush, but it felt good to be excited about new possibilities. He studies philosophy, so I guess I'm looking for a deep thinker as a response to Nerdboy's pop culture addiction.
Funny to think I've probably walked by him dozens of times, we've both done this festival for ten years...
~~~
The house is in bad shape. There was a mouse infestation, although I think that mostly been cleaned up.
When Nerdboy and I were discussing why we broke up, the harshest thing that came out was "I work full time, I jog, and I do the chores. Why can't you get it done?"
The fact that I spent 4 times as many hours as him commuting a week aside, there was some truth in it. I don't have it together. Maybe it comes from my parents, neither were good housekeepers and I grew up always ashamed of my house. When I was a teenager I started to deep clean but I had to work around emotional resistance from other family members.
I feel like cleaning Mom's house is cleaning away all that past stuff that's weighing on my family.
~~~
I did talk to Nerdboy last week. Just two days short of a month of silence. I stalked his facebook page and saw that he was having a bad time so I messaged him. He was worried about his mother's health, she had skin cancer, and was awaiting results on her treatment. He was really thankful that I had reached out. The next day he updated me that his mother's health was clear.
I had a hard time living alone while Mom was travelling, and I miss him badly. But I don't think I could go back.
I have a feeling we're not quite done with each other, but hopefully with some time we can be friends
~~~
Walrus (my first boyfriend) followed me on Instagram and I found out he's in a relationship. Is it bad that I was surprised? When I was dating him his medical issues were too much to handle.
I did try to look up who she was, but couldn't find anything but one photo. Looks cute.
~~~
Ok, remember I tried online dating? I wrote to one guy, Silver Fox, but he had just got back together with his ex. But we added each other on Twitter. I stopped thinking about him, until he commented on one of my tweets about the upcoming arts festival we both work at. I started to get excited I would meet him. Not expecting anything to happen, but even a new friend, a new male friend, is pretty rare.
So I spotted him on Friday at the very end of the night as I was leaving and I walked past him. Because I'm shy, I guess. My whole body got the shivers.
Saturday night I got stationed in the same section as him. I could see him across the road. I was watching him, he was watching me (but we both had our jobs to do) Finally he came over and introduced himself and shook my hand. There was some awkward conversation but he was friendly.
Oh, and I was facepainted to look like a raccoon. Because, I just can't be normal with a normal life.
Anyways, that was sort of a non-event, I think he's still with his girlfriend. It doesn't hurt to be on his radar if it doesn't work out....haha. I'm not really serious about this crush, but it felt good to be excited about new possibilities. He studies philosophy, so I guess I'm looking for a deep thinker as a response to Nerdboy's pop culture addiction.
Funny to think I've probably walked by him dozens of times, we've both done this festival for ten years...
~~~
Tuesday 28 June 2016
Cocoon
Just a quick update, as I'm overwhelmed and need to gather my thoughts.
I closed OKCupid (temporarily), but think of opening it at least once a day
I haven't been in contact with Nerdboy for a whole two weeks. Also hard to resist contacting him.
TMI, but I have no sexual desire right now. But I would sell my grandmother for some affectionate cuddling....
My sister has moved out of Mom's and into her new townhouse, taking a whole bunch of chaos with her. My mother left early this morning for a trip to Europe.
I am alone in Mom's house for the next three weeks. I have to look after the old dog, and the plants and fish tank. Should be easy enough, except the house is a mess. I plan to do some deep cleaning this week, starting with the kitchen.
This past weekend, being my grandfather's funeral, my sister's move and Mom's packing for her trip, was Peak Stress, accentuated by The Ear Incident, in which my sister's young puppy bit a chunk off her old dog's ear while we were out of the house. Came home to blood and fur everywhere. I felt we were an extremely dysfunctional family. The old dog (15 years old) is not recovering well, seems to have lost some of the will to live, but maybe it's just the painkillers making her dopey. My poor sister.
I am pretty much unemployed except for the third week in July, but applied for a job in recycling and weirdly enough, am being considered. (I'm an artist who volunteers in environmental issues. Art for pay, garbage for fun. It's a bit backwards) So, that would be a huge change and would really shake up my quiet hermitage here at Mom's.
I have such high hopes that I will use this down time to sort out some things and pick a new direction in life. Maybe find a place to live, exercise, eat right, start making some art...
It's a lot of pressure. There's a high chance I'll watch a lot of home decorating shows in between cleaning out five years of accumulated crap at Mom's. (Some of which I left behind when I moved out three years ago, so I owe her at least some cleaning)
The little car I bought has a bunch of small problems, the most fun being the car alarm randomly going off for no reason. I still don't drive it much, very shaky with shifting gears.
2016 just seems a year of general shakiness for the world, for so many close to me. And for me personally. Well, maybe a new world of recycling is opening to me, although I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
I closed OKCupid (temporarily), but think of opening it at least once a day
I haven't been in contact with Nerdboy for a whole two weeks. Also hard to resist contacting him.
TMI, but I have no sexual desire right now. But I would sell my grandmother for some affectionate cuddling....
My sister has moved out of Mom's and into her new townhouse, taking a whole bunch of chaos with her. My mother left early this morning for a trip to Europe.
I am alone in Mom's house for the next three weeks. I have to look after the old dog, and the plants and fish tank. Should be easy enough, except the house is a mess. I plan to do some deep cleaning this week, starting with the kitchen.
This past weekend, being my grandfather's funeral, my sister's move and Mom's packing for her trip, was Peak Stress, accentuated by The Ear Incident, in which my sister's young puppy bit a chunk off her old dog's ear while we were out of the house. Came home to blood and fur everywhere. I felt we were an extremely dysfunctional family. The old dog (15 years old) is not recovering well, seems to have lost some of the will to live, but maybe it's just the painkillers making her dopey. My poor sister.
I am pretty much unemployed except for the third week in July, but applied for a job in recycling and weirdly enough, am being considered. (I'm an artist who volunteers in environmental issues. Art for pay, garbage for fun. It's a bit backwards) So, that would be a huge change and would really shake up my quiet hermitage here at Mom's.
I have such high hopes that I will use this down time to sort out some things and pick a new direction in life. Maybe find a place to live, exercise, eat right, start making some art...
It's a lot of pressure. There's a high chance I'll watch a lot of home decorating shows in between cleaning out five years of accumulated crap at Mom's. (Some of which I left behind when I moved out three years ago, so I owe her at least some cleaning)
The little car I bought has a bunch of small problems, the most fun being the car alarm randomly going off for no reason. I still don't drive it much, very shaky with shifting gears.
2016 just seems a year of general shakiness for the world, for so many close to me. And for me personally. Well, maybe a new world of recycling is opening to me, although I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
Thursday 23 June 2016
Am I ready to date?
Two posts in one day, decided to split the topics.
So, Nerdboy is still on the fringes of my life, although I'm trying to ignore him. That's in the previous post. This one concerns a decision.
I have an online dating account open on OKCupid.
I had a bit of a crush on someone's profile, from a city two hours away, but didn't write because it seemed impractical to meet. Meanwhile, a chubby photographer messaged me ( I often search for people who list 'environment' as an interest. His profile mentions 'a safe environment' and I kept forgetting. So he saw that I had visited more than once and got excited) and that conversation has been going for two weeks. I'm not particularly interested but I have no reason to reject him. I think he would have asked to meet me already but my grandfather died and he's being respectful of that.
So then Faraway Crush closed his account, and Photographer didn't message for a few days, and I panicked or something and sent my first message to someone else, who we will call Silver Fox.
(So, so cute). And he wrote back the next day and said he was back with his ex but was open to talking as friends. So I wrote something back to be polite, and he wrote back a fairly chatty message. Turns out we have two arts organizations in common, not sure how we hadn't already met. And I wrote back again, and he didn't answer all week. I was not surprised. I was a little uncomfortable that he still had a dating profile up while in the tender stages of reconciliation He did edit it to say he was unavailable, I guess he didn't know how to change the setting to 'seeing someone' instead of 'single'.
And then yesterday I got a message from Silver Fox saying, this is a drag, you seem interesting, but my girlfriend wants me to close my account. She's okay with me messaging people, just not through OKC. Here's my email and Twitter.
Why are boys so dumb? SO, SO DUMB.
Anyways, we follow each other on Twitter now and I have fantasies about his relationship not working out and me stepping in....Not really though. I want somebody's second chance to work, even if mine didn't.
So.
I haven't heard from Photographer in a few days.
No one else is messaging me.
Either I close the account or I start messaging some people.
I really want to date again. Even though dating is the seventh level of hell.
But I have no place to live, no steady job, want to lose 5 more pounds...want to be more dateable first.
I don't know.
I check OKC obsessively.
The two profiles I most like are in two different cities, both about 100 km away. One is across the border in the USA!
Am I picking unobtainable people on purpose?
I really really really want someone who cares about the environment and I'm surprised there's only a small handful, maybe 30 men in a 100 mile radius. It really narrows the dating pool.
How do i meet fellow greenies in real life?
So, Nerdboy is still on the fringes of my life, although I'm trying to ignore him. That's in the previous post. This one concerns a decision.
I have an online dating account open on OKCupid.
I had a bit of a crush on someone's profile, from a city two hours away, but didn't write because it seemed impractical to meet. Meanwhile, a chubby photographer messaged me ( I often search for people who list 'environment' as an interest. His profile mentions 'a safe environment' and I kept forgetting. So he saw that I had visited more than once and got excited) and that conversation has been going for two weeks. I'm not particularly interested but I have no reason to reject him. I think he would have asked to meet me already but my grandfather died and he's being respectful of that.
So then Faraway Crush closed his account, and Photographer didn't message for a few days, and I panicked or something and sent my first message to someone else, who we will call Silver Fox.
(So, so cute). And he wrote back the next day and said he was back with his ex but was open to talking as friends. So I wrote something back to be polite, and he wrote back a fairly chatty message. Turns out we have two arts organizations in common, not sure how we hadn't already met. And I wrote back again, and he didn't answer all week. I was not surprised. I was a little uncomfortable that he still had a dating profile up while in the tender stages of reconciliation He did edit it to say he was unavailable, I guess he didn't know how to change the setting to 'seeing someone' instead of 'single'.
And then yesterday I got a message from Silver Fox saying, this is a drag, you seem interesting, but my girlfriend wants me to close my account. She's okay with me messaging people, just not through OKC. Here's my email and Twitter.
Why are boys so dumb? SO, SO DUMB.
Anyways, we follow each other on Twitter now and I have fantasies about his relationship not working out and me stepping in....Not really though. I want somebody's second chance to work, even if mine didn't.
So.
I haven't heard from Photographer in a few days.
No one else is messaging me.
Either I close the account or I start messaging some people.
I really want to date again. Even though dating is the seventh level of hell.
But I have no place to live, no steady job, want to lose 5 more pounds...want to be more dateable first.
I don't know.
I check OKC obsessively.
The two profiles I most like are in two different cities, both about 100 km away. One is across the border in the USA!
Am I picking unobtainable people on purpose?
I really really really want someone who cares about the environment and I'm surprised there's only a small handful, maybe 30 men in a 100 mile radius. It really narrows the dating pool.
How do i meet fellow greenies in real life?
Wednesday 22 June 2016
Nerdboy won't go away
Oh, what a month.
So, I ended it with Nerdboy in May. I bet he wouldn't go a week without contacting me. He did make it 8 days, then he just had to give me some random stuff he was getting rid of. And when I saw him, I realized I was mad at him. It was a short and awkward meeting.
But, I had given him a piece of my art that I needed to borrow for a show. So, I asked if I could pick it up the next day (Sunday).
Sunday I texted to let him know I had driven my new car (small victory, I hate driving stick) and was in his neighbourhood all day. He didn't answer. I was a bit concerned, but was distracted doing other things. Just as I was getting ready to leave, he texted back. He said he'd turned his phone to silent all day and 'disconnected from reality'. He said he needed a walk and would come to my studio. (uh, did you not get the part about me driving?)
I waited. What was going to happen? He arrived with the art piece, and he smelled of booze. He let me hug him. I expressed concern about his mental health, the drinking. He said it was the first time he'd fallen off the wagon, seemed to shrug it off.
I said I'd drive him home. (Because I'm still shaky with driving manual, I was a bit nervous about the busy street by the studio, so was glad to have him for that part.)
and I drove reasonably confidently and he was pleasantly surprised, and there we were, parked in front of his house (my old home)
And he said, Do you want to go get gelato?
so i went, even though I hadn't had dinner. (we left the car parked at his place and walked) And he said he felt very guilty that he'd hurt me twice.
I said I could have stood it all except seeing the dating profile.
And he didn't answer, and conveniently some cars honked at each other and the topic changed.
Somehow we agreed that even though we should be taking a break, we both wanted to be friends. And that he could come help at the aforementioned show on the following weekend.
Talk about emotional labour- comforting the guy who broke your heart because he feels bad about breaking your heart. I felt stronger than him, actually.
At the show, following weekend- he helped set up on Friday, and was a but moody but helpful. I was going to sneak in some of his art to my booth but at the last minute he freaked out and wouldn't bring it. Saturday he showed up and was definitely in a weird mood but warmed up during the day, and went home and brought his art, and it did well, and everything seemed fine. We talked about going to dinner together but decided we were tired.
Sunday he was cheerful and in a quiet moment he decided to tell me a funny story about being hit on by older men on the internet. WAAAAAAAAH! I do not want to hear about his internet dating. I told him so and punched him in the arm. After that I wanted him to leave but he did not. Dammit,, I needed his van to unload or I would have sent him away.
He packed up everything efficiently, and it reminded me of many shows he's helped me with.
Back at my studio, everything put away, I hugged him goodbye, too long, and told he he had to leave, and burst out crying.
Monday he texted to ask if we were going to see a movie. (I guess I'd invited him weeks before on facebook, it was a special screening. I'd forgotten about it) I said I needed more time.
He said, I understand, I'll be here when you're ready.
And I've seen him once since then (another urgent dropoff of stuff) and he texted today that he saw me walking on the street.
So, I ended it with Nerdboy in May. I bet he wouldn't go a week without contacting me. He did make it 8 days, then he just had to give me some random stuff he was getting rid of. And when I saw him, I realized I was mad at him. It was a short and awkward meeting.
But, I had given him a piece of my art that I needed to borrow for a show. So, I asked if I could pick it up the next day (Sunday).
Sunday I texted to let him know I had driven my new car (small victory, I hate driving stick) and was in his neighbourhood all day. He didn't answer. I was a bit concerned, but was distracted doing other things. Just as I was getting ready to leave, he texted back. He said he'd turned his phone to silent all day and 'disconnected from reality'. He said he needed a walk and would come to my studio. (uh, did you not get the part about me driving?)
I waited. What was going to happen? He arrived with the art piece, and he smelled of booze. He let me hug him. I expressed concern about his mental health, the drinking. He said it was the first time he'd fallen off the wagon, seemed to shrug it off.
I said I'd drive him home. (Because I'm still shaky with driving manual, I was a bit nervous about the busy street by the studio, so was glad to have him for that part.)
and I drove reasonably confidently and he was pleasantly surprised, and there we were, parked in front of his house (my old home)
And he said, Do you want to go get gelato?
so i went, even though I hadn't had dinner. (we left the car parked at his place and walked) And he said he felt very guilty that he'd hurt me twice.
I said I could have stood it all except seeing the dating profile.
And he didn't answer, and conveniently some cars honked at each other and the topic changed.
Somehow we agreed that even though we should be taking a break, we both wanted to be friends. And that he could come help at the aforementioned show on the following weekend.
Talk about emotional labour- comforting the guy who broke your heart because he feels bad about breaking your heart. I felt stronger than him, actually.
At the show, following weekend- he helped set up on Friday, and was a but moody but helpful. I was going to sneak in some of his art to my booth but at the last minute he freaked out and wouldn't bring it. Saturday he showed up and was definitely in a weird mood but warmed up during the day, and went home and brought his art, and it did well, and everything seemed fine. We talked about going to dinner together but decided we were tired.
Sunday he was cheerful and in a quiet moment he decided to tell me a funny story about being hit on by older men on the internet. WAAAAAAAAH! I do not want to hear about his internet dating. I told him so and punched him in the arm. After that I wanted him to leave but he did not. Dammit,, I needed his van to unload or I would have sent him away.
He packed up everything efficiently, and it reminded me of many shows he's helped me with.
Back at my studio, everything put away, I hugged him goodbye, too long, and told he he had to leave, and burst out crying.
Monday he texted to ask if we were going to see a movie. (I guess I'd invited him weeks before on facebook, it was a special screening. I'd forgotten about it) I said I needed more time.
He said, I understand, I'll be here when you're ready.
And I've seen him once since then (another urgent dropoff of stuff) and he texted today that he saw me walking on the street.
Saturday 28 May 2016
callin' it quits
Last weekend I mostly spent with Nerdboy, the first time I'd slept over since the breakup. And I knew in my gut it wasn't working. And we hardly talked all week (I was longing to, but I wanted to see if he would contact me. He didn't.) And I had two small announcements- a job interview lined up and a doctor's appt that calls for me to get some testing- and his response was underwhelming.
On Friday I asked if I could see him on the weekend, he didn't answer all day and it was 'yes but not tonight'. And I decided to do it.
I wrote an email but didn't send it. An hour later, I just messaged him and blurted (or the typing equivalent of blurting) 'Do you want to just be friends?'
And I waited. And the response was 'kinda, yeah. I care about you but I don't know what to do'
And I said ok.
And we had a long chat about our weeks, respective stressful situations, and he was actually focused on what I had to say. After about an hour, I said...."so..we're just friends then, we've decided?"
And he said, "yeah, I think that's where we're at. Take some time if you need it."
"Well, thanks for trying?"
"I'm really sorry. I was being selfish. I knew better."
I was in my room at my mother's house, crying, while my family was in the living room. I don't know if they were aware.
I wanted Nerdboy to fight for me. I wanted all these two months of off-again on-again to be some epic battle of his head versus his heart, and he would realize that his fear was silly and I was really a great girlfriend (WHICH I WAS)
But, I also remembered all the times I cried in that relationship, and all the dreams I have that he doesn't share...
There is some grief, and some relief.
I think I was kind to 'break up' the way I did. I wanted to get angry to list all the reasons behind it but I didn't. And to think he was willing to sleep with me knowing his heart wasn't truly in it.
So what, I win the prize for Purest Love. And what does that get me?
I'm a bit lost now, I have to find a place to live but my family needs me here for another two months. I might move to a smaller town. I need to get strategic about the best ways for me to make money, I need to get back to my art and doing things I like. And don't like---I want to lose the 30 pounds I gained in my time with Nerdboy- and that means exercise and cutting sugar.
Nerdboy did send me a message today: "if you need to get away for an evening, my door is always open". And I decided to take his best intentions from that, that he was thinking about me and wanted to be a friend, so I thanked him and said I would, when I was ready.
On Friday I asked if I could see him on the weekend, he didn't answer all day and it was 'yes but not tonight'. And I decided to do it.
I wrote an email but didn't send it. An hour later, I just messaged him and blurted (or the typing equivalent of blurting) 'Do you want to just be friends?'
And I waited. And the response was 'kinda, yeah. I care about you but I don't know what to do'
And I said ok.
And we had a long chat about our weeks, respective stressful situations, and he was actually focused on what I had to say. After about an hour, I said...."so..we're just friends then, we've decided?"
And he said, "yeah, I think that's where we're at. Take some time if you need it."
"Well, thanks for trying?"
"I'm really sorry. I was being selfish. I knew better."
I was in my room at my mother's house, crying, while my family was in the living room. I don't know if they were aware.
I wanted Nerdboy to fight for me. I wanted all these two months of off-again on-again to be some epic battle of his head versus his heart, and he would realize that his fear was silly and I was really a great girlfriend (WHICH I WAS)
But, I also remembered all the times I cried in that relationship, and all the dreams I have that he doesn't share...
There is some grief, and some relief.
I think I was kind to 'break up' the way I did. I wanted to get angry to list all the reasons behind it but I didn't. And to think he was willing to sleep with me knowing his heart wasn't truly in it.
So what, I win the prize for Purest Love. And what does that get me?
I'm a bit lost now, I have to find a place to live but my family needs me here for another two months. I might move to a smaller town. I need to get strategic about the best ways for me to make money, I need to get back to my art and doing things I like. And don't like---I want to lose the 30 pounds I gained in my time with Nerdboy- and that means exercise and cutting sugar.
Nerdboy did send me a message today: "if you need to get away for an evening, my door is always open". And I decided to take his best intentions from that, that he was thinking about me and wanted to be a friend, so I thanked him and said I would, when I was ready.
Sunday 22 May 2016
roller coaster
Oh I haven't written in so long.... I was recording the play-by-play but it got exhausting.
In April he asked to see me, said he wanted to have the talk he should have had with me instead of breaking up. And I went, and we held hands and kissed and I was so happy, then then next day he freaked and said I hadn't listened to his concerns.
And similar scenarios repeated, two or three more times. He would reach out to me, I would go to him (and once there was sex) and then he'd last a week before he would cancel our date, or dodge making plans for our next one.
So at this point we're together, about ten days. I had told him I couldn't do the 'maybe' thing anymore. He said he needed time. I thought it was over (and went through a little withdrawal, even though I thought I had made my decision). We didn't talk for a few days.
Then he told me his company got sold and he's not sure he had a job. I was sympathetic, he invited me over for dinner. I didn't know what was going to happen. I thought I was going as a friend.
We played boardgames and footsies under the table got a little risque. I stopped him, crying-
You're being bad.
I want to be bad.
Am I your girlfriend?.
He said, 'What does all or nothing look like?' I said, I don't want to move back in. I need to figure more stuff out, but I need you to be there.' (i was proud of this answer, at the time).
He said, Okay.
And we've been texting, and I see him every few days. This weekend I slept over for the first time. Weird, because I used to live there and now I'm a guest. And weird, because we know each other so well, and yet we don't know the rules.
But.
It didn't feel right. I found him a little boring, talking about his craft project endlessly, making the same comments at the same spots in the same tv shows. We went to a busy convention and he got overwhelmed by the crowd and was rude to a friend of mine that we bumped into. I was longing for some emotional closeness and was left hanging.
And I found Plenty of Fish online dating still open on his computer.
And when I left, he didn't want to see me the next day, said he had things to get done, even though we'd talked about seeing a movie. I burst out crying. He hugged me and said we'd see each other soon. When i got home he said he got tickets for the movie.
I'm really not sure any more. The first time we got back together it was like a dream. Now it's getting farcical.
In April he asked to see me, said he wanted to have the talk he should have had with me instead of breaking up. And I went, and we held hands and kissed and I was so happy, then then next day he freaked and said I hadn't listened to his concerns.
And similar scenarios repeated, two or three more times. He would reach out to me, I would go to him (and once there was sex) and then he'd last a week before he would cancel our date, or dodge making plans for our next one.
So at this point we're together, about ten days. I had told him I couldn't do the 'maybe' thing anymore. He said he needed time. I thought it was over (and went through a little withdrawal, even though I thought I had made my decision). We didn't talk for a few days.
Then he told me his company got sold and he's not sure he had a job. I was sympathetic, he invited me over for dinner. I didn't know what was going to happen. I thought I was going as a friend.
We played boardgames and footsies under the table got a little risque. I stopped him, crying-
You're being bad.
I want to be bad.
Am I your girlfriend?.
He said, 'What does all or nothing look like?' I said, I don't want to move back in. I need to figure more stuff out, but I need you to be there.' (i was proud of this answer, at the time).
He said, Okay.
And we've been texting, and I see him every few days. This weekend I slept over for the first time. Weird, because I used to live there and now I'm a guest. And weird, because we know each other so well, and yet we don't know the rules.
But.
It didn't feel right. I found him a little boring, talking about his craft project endlessly, making the same comments at the same spots in the same tv shows. We went to a busy convention and he got overwhelmed by the crowd and was rude to a friend of mine that we bumped into. I was longing for some emotional closeness and was left hanging.
And I found Plenty of Fish online dating still open on his computer.
And when I left, he didn't want to see me the next day, said he had things to get done, even though we'd talked about seeing a movie. I burst out crying. He hugged me and said we'd see each other soon. When i got home he said he got tickets for the movie.
I'm really not sure any more. The first time we got back together it was like a dream. Now it's getting farcical.
Tuesday 29 March 2016
pushed too hard
So, it was Friday we hung out and it was awkard and nothing was said. Saturday and Sunday we had online chats for hours about nothing at all, tv shows and sci-fi books. Monday I got my car and wrote to tell him. He was a little bit mean about it 'god help us all!' sort of jokes, and one other exchange about him winning the lotto also got a bit of a snippy comment which he then retracted.
But I was going crazy from the uncertainty and pushed on. Thursday night he had said such vulnerable things, seemed so sad and affectionate, it seems liked we were just a breath away from getting back together.
I started out with 'We're doing the friends thing' and he said 'there's a but in that sentence'
I should have asked more questions about why it happened, instead of leading with an ultimatum.
Because it turned into me going 'don't throw this away' and him saying 'it's broken'
It was not very dignified.
I shouldn't even be thinking so much about strategy. If he wanted to be here, he'd be here.
I fought for him as much as I could.
Not sure what to do now. I'm looking for places to live, with roommates, and a bunch of nice sounding ones turn out to be mere blocks from his place (where we used to live together). That would be crazy-making, to know he was so close, to see his car...
I want to start writing to people on dating sites, just to force myself to move on, but I know I'm not healed and I wish I had the housing/job stuff more figured out.
So much work to do. So sad right now.
But I was going crazy from the uncertainty and pushed on. Thursday night he had said such vulnerable things, seemed so sad and affectionate, it seems liked we were just a breath away from getting back together.
I started out with 'We're doing the friends thing' and he said 'there's a but in that sentence'
I should have asked more questions about why it happened, instead of leading with an ultimatum.
Because it turned into me going 'don't throw this away' and him saying 'it's broken'
It was not very dignified.
I shouldn't even be thinking so much about strategy. If he wanted to be here, he'd be here.
I fought for him as much as I could.
Not sure what to do now. I'm looking for places to live, with roommates, and a bunch of nice sounding ones turn out to be mere blocks from his place (where we used to live together). That would be crazy-making, to know he was so close, to see his car...
I want to start writing to people on dating sites, just to force myself to move on, but I know I'm not healed and I wish I had the housing/job stuff more figured out.
So much work to do. So sad right now.
Friday 25 March 2016
he doesn't know what he wants
I felt like I was being jerked around by his vagueness of reasons, his suggestions that things could change in a few months. I wrote an angry email saying no more, I'm done.
He apologized. He said he was confused, that my letter to him was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for him. And then we started talking. I forgave everything instantly.
He said the reason was that I wasn't going after what I want, that he got tired of watching me drop the ball, tired of me being unhappy.
There have been several long chats (using online messaging) this week about the problems in our relationship. Last night's was four hours and made us both cry.
He said he didn't know what he wanted from a relationship. I asked if he knew what I wanted.
His answer: Comfort. Companionship. sex. intimacy. apple crumble.
Not bad, actually. He knows me better than I give him credit for.
At one point I joked we should go for late night donuts.
I asked if he would see me, and he hesitated.
Later he asked what I meant. "Not your house. Somewhere neutral. We talk in person, like we're doing now."
This morning, he asked if we could go get those donuts.
So plans were made for late afternoon. And when I tried to hug him he drew back.
And we spent several hours together, in public places, shopping, eating. He shared his food with me. I told him little tidbits about work and family and BUYING THE CAR THIS WEEKEND!
It was awkward and so familiar.
And then when it was time to go home, we hadn't talked, he had a tummy ache and we just looked at each other sadly. So much torment.
When i got home I wrote 'all this talking has to lead to a mutual decision to separate or we fumble our way back to each other'.
He said, 'I blame today's failure on my upset tummy'
So....what was that?
He apologized. He said he was confused, that my letter to him was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for him. And then we started talking. I forgave everything instantly.
He said the reason was that I wasn't going after what I want, that he got tired of watching me drop the ball, tired of me being unhappy.
There have been several long chats (using online messaging) this week about the problems in our relationship. Last night's was four hours and made us both cry.
He said he didn't know what he wanted from a relationship. I asked if he knew what I wanted.
His answer: Comfort. Companionship. sex. intimacy. apple crumble.
Not bad, actually. He knows me better than I give him credit for.
At one point I joked we should go for late night donuts.
I asked if he would see me, and he hesitated.
Later he asked what I meant. "Not your house. Somewhere neutral. We talk in person, like we're doing now."
This morning, he asked if we could go get those donuts.
So plans were made for late afternoon. And when I tried to hug him he drew back.
And we spent several hours together, in public places, shopping, eating. He shared his food with me. I told him little tidbits about work and family and BUYING THE CAR THIS WEEKEND!
It was awkward and so familiar.
And then when it was time to go home, we hadn't talked, he had a tummy ache and we just looked at each other sadly. So much torment.
When i got home I wrote 'all this talking has to lead to a mutual decision to separate or we fumble our way back to each other'.
He said, 'I blame today's failure on my upset tummy'
So....what was that?
Sunday 20 March 2016
his answer
He wrote back today. I read it in a mall, on my phone.
Well, it's no use.
He said he decided early in January to end it but waited until a certain project of mine had launched. Just to remind you, he proposed in mid December. So I had about two weeks of a real engagement, and one month of walking around wearing a meaningless ring. January was so shit. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I cried all the time.
The email goes on to say that I should just work on me, for my own sake and not so we get back together. He won't tell me what the problem was. Is it better to know or not?
He does talk about hoping we could still be friends and then he talks in a complicated way about second chances...he's not saying no, but he needs to move on, he doesn't want to promise me that, and yet he ends with let's come back to this in two or three months when we're healed.
Not cool, not cool. I have to go away and fix myself and maybe we'll get back together but he doesn't have to tell me what to work on or talk about how he might have contributed to our problems.
Why do i even want him back?
Well, it's no use.
He said he decided early in January to end it but waited until a certain project of mine had launched. Just to remind you, he proposed in mid December. So I had about two weeks of a real engagement, and one month of walking around wearing a meaningless ring. January was so shit. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I cried all the time.
The email goes on to say that I should just work on me, for my own sake and not so we get back together. He won't tell me what the problem was. Is it better to know or not?
He does talk about hoping we could still be friends and then he talks in a complicated way about second chances...he's not saying no, but he needs to move on, he doesn't want to promise me that, and yet he ends with let's come back to this in two or three months when we're healed.
Not cool, not cool. I have to go away and fix myself and maybe we'll get back together but he doesn't have to tell me what to work on or talk about how he might have contributed to our problems.
Why do i even want him back?
Thursday 17 March 2016
uncertainty and waiting
it's been six weeks.
I am still at my mother's. I am trying to buy a car, but the process is slow.
I am working too much.
I have seen Nerdboy a few times. He's sent texts that suggest he's in conflict about this too.
When we see each other, it's been for practical reasons, and he's made excuses to stretch it longer. Oh wait, I do too. One Saturday we saw each other four times (for 'forgotten' items')
Last week I got a 'do you hate me?' text in the middle of the night and I decided it was time to stop 'poking' at each other's feelings and just talk.
I wrote a big letter....in internet memes.
Hey, I was trying to speak his language.
And the day after I sent it, we had to meet to separate a shared account. and I asked him if he'd read it, and he sort of avoided the question...he'd read parts of it, he seemed to approve of the meme-gimmick, he went on about a hidden meaning I'd missed from a meme I used....
Two days later he wrote that he had read it and needed time but he intended to respond.
I should be mad. I should be telling him I deserve better.
I think he's going through some sort of crisis. I can't be mad. Doesn't make him a good partner.
Just now I remembered a fight we had about me using 'his' craft table. You have to understand how small our apartment was- other than the coffee table and our two computer desks, that was the only flat surface.
And even though I've been missing him and yearning for him and being absolutely willing to work through this together, tonight I'm thinking a man who won't let his fiancee sit at the only table in the apartment isn't good enough for me.
I am still at my mother's. I am trying to buy a car, but the process is slow.
I am working too much.
I have seen Nerdboy a few times. He's sent texts that suggest he's in conflict about this too.
When we see each other, it's been for practical reasons, and he's made excuses to stretch it longer. Oh wait, I do too. One Saturday we saw each other four times (for 'forgotten' items')
Last week I got a 'do you hate me?' text in the middle of the night and I decided it was time to stop 'poking' at each other's feelings and just talk.
I wrote a big letter....in internet memes.
Hey, I was trying to speak his language.
And the day after I sent it, we had to meet to separate a shared account. and I asked him if he'd read it, and he sort of avoided the question...he'd read parts of it, he seemed to approve of the meme-gimmick, he went on about a hidden meaning I'd missed from a meme I used....
Two days later he wrote that he had read it and needed time but he intended to respond.
I should be mad. I should be telling him I deserve better.
I think he's going through some sort of crisis. I can't be mad. Doesn't make him a good partner.
Just now I remembered a fight we had about me using 'his' craft table. You have to understand how small our apartment was- other than the coffee table and our two computer desks, that was the only flat surface.
And even though I've been missing him and yearning for him and being absolutely willing to work through this together, tonight I'm thinking a man who won't let his fiancee sit at the only table in the apartment isn't good enough for me.
Friday 26 February 2016
a crack
small updates
i was lurking on okcupid but then decided to put up the briefest of profiles and a mysterious photo.
Why? Don't know. Not ready to meet these men.
Got a bunch of likes and generic 'hey nice profile' messages. A few directed at me but they mostly made me roll my eyes. Starting off with 'I'm socially liberal and fiscally conservative' does nothing for me...
Hey single guys, if your profile picture features you in a Halloween costume, you with a bunch of guys, you with a bunch of women, holding a beer or holding a fish you just caught, I move on.
(EDIT: just read an article on what makes an effective dating profile. Apparently photos of men with a woman in them make the man more desirable. And basically everything I don't like (generic language, short messages, names that sound cutesy/sexy for women) are what the majority of people like. This proves my theory that most people operate on a much shallower plane than I do.)
I work through March, solid. weekends too. Now I get money? Universe, you are messing with my head.
No car yet. It's overwhelming but I going to need it to get through March.
Nerdboy cracked a little. My mail is still going to his house, he suggested he could meet me at a bus stop as I bussed home from work. (There were ways he could get it to me without seeing me but this is what he picked). So there was texting to time it up, and he handed it to me through the door of the bus. Then he texted 'sorry if that was awkward. I thought you'd want to keep moving.'
Then he said 'part of me wanted to invite you back but it's way too soon.'
Instant tears, on the bus.
'Don't.....' was all I wrote.
i was lurking on okcupid but then decided to put up the briefest of profiles and a mysterious photo.
Why? Don't know. Not ready to meet these men.
Got a bunch of likes and generic 'hey nice profile' messages. A few directed at me but they mostly made me roll my eyes. Starting off with 'I'm socially liberal and fiscally conservative' does nothing for me...
Hey single guys, if your profile picture features you in a Halloween costume, you with a bunch of guys, you with a bunch of women, holding a beer or holding a fish you just caught, I move on.
(EDIT: just read an article on what makes an effective dating profile. Apparently photos of men with a woman in them make the man more desirable. And basically everything I don't like (generic language, short messages, names that sound cutesy/sexy for women) are what the majority of people like. This proves my theory that most people operate on a much shallower plane than I do.)
I work through March, solid. weekends too. Now I get money? Universe, you are messing with my head.
No car yet. It's overwhelming but I going to need it to get through March.
Nerdboy cracked a little. My mail is still going to his house, he suggested he could meet me at a bus stop as I bussed home from work. (There were ways he could get it to me without seeing me but this is what he picked). So there was texting to time it up, and he handed it to me through the door of the bus. Then he texted 'sorry if that was awkward. I thought you'd want to keep moving.'
Then he said 'part of me wanted to invite you back but it's way too soon.'
Instant tears, on the bus.
'Don't.....' was all I wrote.
Thursday 18 February 2016
struggling
Well it's sinking in that things are over. I still hope, still daydream he'll text me and I'll run to him.
It wasn't working, I love him. both things are true and I'm confused.
People tell me the next one will be better and ...there was room for improvement...
but I still have to grieve the end of this.
And because I was told to 'get my shit together' and my shit is definitely not together, I'm freaking out about my lack of success. Back at Mom's, found a bunch of my old notebooks and all the lists of goals, exactly the same as what I write today, still not any closer to achieving any of them.
34 years old and my assets include a bunch of art books and my childhood collection of 80s My Little Ponies.
I work a few hours a day teaching six days a week, I'm always on the bus. I'm stressed.
I wanted to do my own art but this schedule which is supposed to support that is the thing getting in the way of it.
Professionally, I've gotten a lot of 'noes' and 'you're not ready' and I'm so crushed. I need experience, need to feel like I have some marketable skills, and yet every day I deal with other people who are really not good at their job and I wonder how they got the position.
I had a little bit of savings locked up and they just came due this week. This was the money Nerdboy wanted me to go back to school with. But I want to buy a car.
I run around the city, carried bags of art supplies, it's poured rain this week and I have to wear gumboots and a slicker. I arrive looking a mess, sweaty, with soggy papers.
A car, a car, a car. Just a little $2000 beater. It would give me freedom, it would give me something to build on for my teaching. I could put a graphic on it advertising my classes.
I told my mom last night and she dumped on the idea. Insurance is so much! You can't afford it! The car won't be reliable!
And I started to cry and cry. 'I can't have a house, I can't have babies, I can't even have a stupid car."
Mom said, "You can have those things, you just need to regroup for a few months"
My mom is bad at comforting. she doesn't hug. She says awkward things.
My mom is maybe depressed or mentally ill, she doesn't clean the house and she shuts down a lot when she doesn't like what her children are up to.
I just cried on the couch and she went to bed without saying anything. Today she texted she was worried. My sister said, 'Huh. That's more than I ever got'
What does she expect me to do for these three months, stuck here in the suburbs and commuting 16 hours a week. yes I know the car is a financial strain but whatever job I get I'll need it.
and I don't ever see a house and babies in my future.
Sometimes my dreams seem so small and so far away. I picked art over those other things....but what is it getting me.
It wasn't working, I love him. both things are true and I'm confused.
People tell me the next one will be better and ...there was room for improvement...
but I still have to grieve the end of this.
And because I was told to 'get my shit together' and my shit is definitely not together, I'm freaking out about my lack of success. Back at Mom's, found a bunch of my old notebooks and all the lists of goals, exactly the same as what I write today, still not any closer to achieving any of them.
34 years old and my assets include a bunch of art books and my childhood collection of 80s My Little Ponies.
I work a few hours a day teaching six days a week, I'm always on the bus. I'm stressed.
I wanted to do my own art but this schedule which is supposed to support that is the thing getting in the way of it.
Professionally, I've gotten a lot of 'noes' and 'you're not ready' and I'm so crushed. I need experience, need to feel like I have some marketable skills, and yet every day I deal with other people who are really not good at their job and I wonder how they got the position.
I had a little bit of savings locked up and they just came due this week. This was the money Nerdboy wanted me to go back to school with. But I want to buy a car.
I run around the city, carried bags of art supplies, it's poured rain this week and I have to wear gumboots and a slicker. I arrive looking a mess, sweaty, with soggy papers.
A car, a car, a car. Just a little $2000 beater. It would give me freedom, it would give me something to build on for my teaching. I could put a graphic on it advertising my classes.
I told my mom last night and she dumped on the idea. Insurance is so much! You can't afford it! The car won't be reliable!
And I started to cry and cry. 'I can't have a house, I can't have babies, I can't even have a stupid car."
Mom said, "You can have those things, you just need to regroup for a few months"
My mom is bad at comforting. she doesn't hug. She says awkward things.
My mom is maybe depressed or mentally ill, she doesn't clean the house and she shuts down a lot when she doesn't like what her children are up to.
I just cried on the couch and she went to bed without saying anything. Today she texted she was worried. My sister said, 'Huh. That's more than I ever got'
What does she expect me to do for these three months, stuck here in the suburbs and commuting 16 hours a week. yes I know the car is a financial strain but whatever job I get I'll need it.
and I don't ever see a house and babies in my future.
Sometimes my dreams seem so small and so far away. I picked art over those other things....but what is it getting me.
Thursday 11 February 2016
maybe i don't want him back
just some thoughts to myself. when i'm sad I hate to be alone. My friends all checked up on me last week, but tonight no one is answering and today has been rough.
I work 6 days a week, and since the break up I've had things to do on my day off as well. So not time to process, my work needs me to be 'on' and smiling.
Last weekend Nerdboy drove boxes of stuff to mom's. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time and we unloaded the boxes. That went ok, so I went back with him for the second load. We sort of know how to be around each other, sitting in the passenger seat felt normal, and yet everything was changed I did ask him how he was doing, who he'd told, if he drank (just once, he said)....There was a third trip to the recycling depot and he stopped by his, formerly our, place. I sat in the car. He came back with a sandwich for me and I lost it. Waaaaah, he's being nice to me.
Then laughed. "It's really hard to cry and eat"
I also saw him briefly Sunday when I went by for forgotten items. I had a horrible experience, I'm running these recycling workshops and rented a large venue. Then the venue got all mad because I had used some plates from the kitchen. They wouldn't let me wash them. There's more to the story, but anyways- I ranted to him about it.
How easily we could slip into being friends...I thought.
is that good or bad?
Monday there was texting about a craigslist item. He said he'd be happy if he sold three items. I snarked about him being happy. Silence for a few days. One practical texting about mail today.
Right, because everybody needs the play by play of every interaction.
The point is, I hate being at Mom's. I don't think I can forgive him for dumping me here. If you're not here for the bad times, why would I come back to you when I'm more successful?
And was I getting what I want? Not kisses, not sex, not emotional closeness, not even a friggin' 'How was your day?' There was friendship, there was affection, there were small kindnesses but I waited so long to be loved. I wanted to be adored.
I hate the thought of starting over, but maybe it's good if I sleep with more than one man in my life. Maybe I could find someone who is so interested in me we stay up all night talking...And hey, maybe I'd find someone who actually likes kissing with tongue.
I opened an OK Cupid account just now. No picture, no profile, just a lurker. Gosh, everyone is so good looking. Only a few people I recognized from last time I had an account. A lot of polyamory, don't think that's my thing.
I look like shit right now. Size 14, almost 200 pounds. Scruffy thrift store clothes.
And yet, one bright side, work continues to pour in. I don't have the energy these opportunities deserve, but I can't let them go by.
I work 6 days a week, and since the break up I've had things to do on my day off as well. So not time to process, my work needs me to be 'on' and smiling.
Last weekend Nerdboy drove boxes of stuff to mom's. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time and we unloaded the boxes. That went ok, so I went back with him for the second load. We sort of know how to be around each other, sitting in the passenger seat felt normal, and yet everything was changed I did ask him how he was doing, who he'd told, if he drank (just once, he said)....There was a third trip to the recycling depot and he stopped by his, formerly our, place. I sat in the car. He came back with a sandwich for me and I lost it. Waaaaah, he's being nice to me.
Then laughed. "It's really hard to cry and eat"
I also saw him briefly Sunday when I went by for forgotten items. I had a horrible experience, I'm running these recycling workshops and rented a large venue. Then the venue got all mad because I had used some plates from the kitchen. They wouldn't let me wash them. There's more to the story, but anyways- I ranted to him about it.
How easily we could slip into being friends...I thought.
is that good or bad?
Monday there was texting about a craigslist item. He said he'd be happy if he sold three items. I snarked about him being happy. Silence for a few days. One practical texting about mail today.
Right, because everybody needs the play by play of every interaction.
The point is, I hate being at Mom's. I don't think I can forgive him for dumping me here. If you're not here for the bad times, why would I come back to you when I'm more successful?
And was I getting what I want? Not kisses, not sex, not emotional closeness, not even a friggin' 'How was your day?' There was friendship, there was affection, there were small kindnesses but I waited so long to be loved. I wanted to be adored.
I hate the thought of starting over, but maybe it's good if I sleep with more than one man in my life. Maybe I could find someone who is so interested in me we stay up all night talking...And hey, maybe I'd find someone who actually likes kissing with tongue.
I opened an OK Cupid account just now. No picture, no profile, just a lurker. Gosh, everyone is so good looking. Only a few people I recognized from last time I had an account. A lot of polyamory, don't think that's my thing.
I look like shit right now. Size 14, almost 200 pounds. Scruffy thrift store clothes.
And yet, one bright side, work continues to pour in. I don't have the energy these opportunities deserve, but I can't let them go by.
Wednesday 3 February 2016
Break-Up Posts are the Worst...
Post break-up analysis:
The sads have lessened, anger has moved in.
At least I have friends checking in on me, and everyone's got their opinion. Some are pro-Nerdboy, some think I should move on.
But I still would go back in a second. Despite what you're about to read.
~~~
I'm at my mothers, in the suburbs. Her house is a mess (a disaster) and she's looking after my sister's 15 year old dog. The dog paces constantly, waiting for her master to come back (still another week on my sister's holiday). My 12 hour a week commute to work is now going to be 17.
I'm almost flat broke, and it's the beginning of the month, so who knows when I can find an apartment. I might be here a while. I guess I'll clean mom's house.
~~~
My sister said to tell him my side, to tell him I wasn't giving up.
So I wrote him a letter.
It was very tear-stained, but I think I said stuff like "Both Walrus and (platonic friendship that ended in massive fight eight years ago) Elaine told me I made them feel not good enough for me."
I don't know what it is, what am I doing? Is this a pattern? I can be so righteous, so holier-than-thou.
Granted these people have been a bit broken, each in their own way, and my expectations might not have been entirely the problem.
But I suspect Nerdboy has Aspergers or some sort of unique brain wiring that doesn't work the way I expect it to, and he knows that and it's painful for him. From reading the autism forums, I could see his side- no one wants to be always coached and corrected and feel 'wrong' their whole life.
Not that I've ever even breathed the 'A' word to him.
I said I didn't want my dreams to come at the cost of his. (re: me not having a steady income)
I said I don't get how your brain works but I think you did show you love(d) me. But you were a bit unpredictable and I spent a lot of time trying to react to your brain, overreacting probably, my little ship always tipping over in your waves.
I said I did love him and had agreed to marry him with joy and with clear eyes.
~~~
Sleepless night. The next morning I felt a bit foolish about the letter, worried I hadn't said enough about finding stable work. There was a reply from him in my email, which I read at 6am.
And at the time I accepted what he said and felt at peace. (Hey, 6am brain is not the sharpest.)
And I went through my day with a smiley mask on, but in the back of my mind I was turning it over.
(please excuse the pronoun trouble here.)
His response: We are stagnating. He feels trapped. I (Eleanor) don't know what I want from him or from life, and he's been waiting two years. I need to figure my shit out, I need to work on me, he doesn't want to push those decisions. I talk about changes and don't do them, he feels he can't rely on me.
Maybe we can get back together if you get your shit together, maybe not. We don't work and he can't go back to the way it was.
That is the bare bones of it, he did pad it a little so that on the first read all I got was that there was a chance we could get back together (ever hopeful...)
I said I needed to think about it. And now I think a break is good. For both of us.
I have a lot to say about it, but haven't replied.
1 Stagnating since...you proposed six weeks ago?
2. And what did you do about it, good sir? Did you peep one fucking peep to your beloved wife to be?
3. Don't know what I want? I've asked you for what I want, over and over: shows of affection. check-ins about my day, challenge each other, ask about my plans, my dreams. Did you tell me what you wanted from me or from life? I asked you repeatedly.
4. Yes I have been bouncing around job-wise for two years, but I've also started a small business that is doing ok, and there's been a learning curve. Can you not see my achievements, my growth? heck, you were my first long term relationship and I had no choice but to grow and no idea what I was doing.
5. Yes we talked about me going into (blank) industry but in my heart I didn't want to do that, I was only agreeing to it because a. I was tired of the instability of my income and b I thought it would make our relationship better if i was less stressed and we had a bigger apartment.
6.You can't rely on me for what exactly? I'm not an irresponsible person, I just am trying to be an artist which is a difficult path.
7. WHY DID YOU PROPOSE? WHY?
So, anger. Legitimate anger I think. He sees me as chaos, because he needs order. he doesn't see my work as work, he doesn't see the obstacles I'm facing. He makes me pay 50% of everything even though his income is twice mine. We didn't even buy furniture together, I paid for the dresser we share.
So before I was scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan to get off this poverty cycle, lose 30 pounds and desperately trying to figure out why my relationship was failing.
Now I'm scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan, lose 30 pounds, get over a broken heart, decide to fight for him or move on, clean my hoarder-mother's house, and commuting 2 or 3 hours a day for a few hours of teaching (six days a week).
So thanks, Nerdboy. I guess I'll 'work on me' then. Nowhere to go but up at this point.
Question 8: if you can't stick with me in my troubled times, how can a marriage last?
~~~
He has messaged me throughout the day 'Your family must think I'm awful'. 'Darn I didn't get to watch that DVD collection I gave your for Christmas' (that went over like a ton of bricks) Then a link about a nose cleaning spray....
Tonight he dropped off boxes of my stuff at my moms. we didn't talk. just an awkward pause at the door. 'Guess i'll talk to you later then', he said.
~~~
I am slightly worried that I am unreliable. I seem to get into scrapes and crises. Elaine had to get me out of some deadline jams, my mom took my dog and the pile of crap I left behind, Nerdboy always had to cover my rent or drive me around.
The sads have lessened, anger has moved in.
At least I have friends checking in on me, and everyone's got their opinion. Some are pro-Nerdboy, some think I should move on.
But I still would go back in a second. Despite what you're about to read.
~~~
I'm at my mothers, in the suburbs. Her house is a mess (a disaster) and she's looking after my sister's 15 year old dog. The dog paces constantly, waiting for her master to come back (still another week on my sister's holiday). My 12 hour a week commute to work is now going to be 17.
I'm almost flat broke, and it's the beginning of the month, so who knows when I can find an apartment. I might be here a while. I guess I'll clean mom's house.
~~~
My sister said to tell him my side, to tell him I wasn't giving up.
So I wrote him a letter.
It was very tear-stained, but I think I said stuff like "Both Walrus and (platonic friendship that ended in massive fight eight years ago) Elaine told me I made them feel not good enough for me."
I don't know what it is, what am I doing? Is this a pattern? I can be so righteous, so holier-than-thou.
Granted these people have been a bit broken, each in their own way, and my expectations might not have been entirely the problem.
But I suspect Nerdboy has Aspergers or some sort of unique brain wiring that doesn't work the way I expect it to, and he knows that and it's painful for him. From reading the autism forums, I could see his side- no one wants to be always coached and corrected and feel 'wrong' their whole life.
Not that I've ever even breathed the 'A' word to him.
I said I didn't want my dreams to come at the cost of his. (re: me not having a steady income)
I said I don't get how your brain works but I think you did show you love(d) me. But you were a bit unpredictable and I spent a lot of time trying to react to your brain, overreacting probably, my little ship always tipping over in your waves.
I said I did love him and had agreed to marry him with joy and with clear eyes.
~~~
Sleepless night. The next morning I felt a bit foolish about the letter, worried I hadn't said enough about finding stable work. There was a reply from him in my email, which I read at 6am.
And at the time I accepted what he said and felt at peace. (Hey, 6am brain is not the sharpest.)
And I went through my day with a smiley mask on, but in the back of my mind I was turning it over.
(please excuse the pronoun trouble here.)
His response: We are stagnating. He feels trapped. I (Eleanor) don't know what I want from him or from life, and he's been waiting two years. I need to figure my shit out, I need to work on me, he doesn't want to push those decisions. I talk about changes and don't do them, he feels he can't rely on me.
Maybe we can get back together if you get your shit together, maybe not. We don't work and he can't go back to the way it was.
That is the bare bones of it, he did pad it a little so that on the first read all I got was that there was a chance we could get back together (ever hopeful...)
I said I needed to think about it. And now I think a break is good. For both of us.
I have a lot to say about it, but haven't replied.
1 Stagnating since...you proposed six weeks ago?
2. And what did you do about it, good sir? Did you peep one fucking peep to your beloved wife to be?
3. Don't know what I want? I've asked you for what I want, over and over: shows of affection. check-ins about my day, challenge each other, ask about my plans, my dreams. Did you tell me what you wanted from me or from life? I asked you repeatedly.
4. Yes I have been bouncing around job-wise for two years, but I've also started a small business that is doing ok, and there's been a learning curve. Can you not see my achievements, my growth? heck, you were my first long term relationship and I had no choice but to grow and no idea what I was doing.
5. Yes we talked about me going into (blank) industry but in my heart I didn't want to do that, I was only agreeing to it because a. I was tired of the instability of my income and b I thought it would make our relationship better if i was less stressed and we had a bigger apartment.
6.You can't rely on me for what exactly? I'm not an irresponsible person, I just am trying to be an artist which is a difficult path.
7. WHY DID YOU PROPOSE? WHY?
So, anger. Legitimate anger I think. He sees me as chaos, because he needs order. he doesn't see my work as work, he doesn't see the obstacles I'm facing. He makes me pay 50% of everything even though his income is twice mine. We didn't even buy furniture together, I paid for the dresser we share.
So before I was scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan to get off this poverty cycle, lose 30 pounds and desperately trying to figure out why my relationship was failing.
Now I'm scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan, lose 30 pounds, get over a broken heart, decide to fight for him or move on, clean my hoarder-mother's house, and commuting 2 or 3 hours a day for a few hours of teaching (six days a week).
So thanks, Nerdboy. I guess I'll 'work on me' then. Nowhere to go but up at this point.
Question 8: if you can't stick with me in my troubled times, how can a marriage last?
~~~
He has messaged me throughout the day 'Your family must think I'm awful'. 'Darn I didn't get to watch that DVD collection I gave your for Christmas' (that went over like a ton of bricks) Then a link about a nose cleaning spray....
Tonight he dropped off boxes of my stuff at my moms. we didn't talk. just an awkward pause at the door. 'Guess i'll talk to you later then', he said.
~~~
I am slightly worried that I am unreliable. I seem to get into scrapes and crises. Elaine had to get me out of some deadline jams, my mom took my dog and the pile of crap I left behind, Nerdboy always had to cover my rent or drive me around.
Monday 1 February 2016
crisis
Last night Nerdboy sat on the couch with his hands folded, I was putting some sweatpants on...I looked at him and knew it was bad. He said, "I want to break up". I swore.
I wasn't shocked, maybe a moment of relief that I wasn't the only one hurting.
But pretty much started crying. the whole evening, the whole night, the whole morning.
he said stuff like, "I can't make you happy, I can't be what you want. I wish we were just best friends because I want you in my life, I really care about you, I haven't been close to anyone in a long time"
I said really articulate stuff like, "Fuck. Nooooo. Nooooooo."
I had so many doubts and then he pulls the plug and I dig in and refuse to accept it.
Because I do love him? Because I can't stand more rejection and failure?
As it was only 7pm in the evening, we played MarioKart and I cried while playing.
He slept on the couch, I on the bed.
I guess tonight I'll go to my mom's.
Oh fuck. I don't want to give up my little life, I don't want to start over, I don't want to hurt him.
I wasn't shocked, maybe a moment of relief that I wasn't the only one hurting.
But pretty much started crying. the whole evening, the whole night, the whole morning.
he said stuff like, "I can't make you happy, I can't be what you want. I wish we were just best friends because I want you in my life, I really care about you, I haven't been close to anyone in a long time"
I said really articulate stuff like, "Fuck. Nooooo. Nooooooo."
I had so many doubts and then he pulls the plug and I dig in and refuse to accept it.
Because I do love him? Because I can't stand more rejection and failure?
As it was only 7pm in the evening, we played MarioKart and I cried while playing.
He slept on the couch, I on the bed.
I guess tonight I'll go to my mom's.
Oh fuck. I don't want to give up my little life, I don't want to start over, I don't want to hurt him.
Tuesday 12 January 2016
a rare update
Ok. So this is where things are at.
Dec 16th. I went to a meeting and Nerdboy surprised me by picking me up. We played a board game when we got home. While we were playing, he looked at me and said, "Is this really what you want?" "What?" He gestured around the room. "This." I said, Yes. And I meant it. I was happy playing board games, happy with our little life.
He went over to his dresser and pulled out the ring box (the ring he's been hiding since August)
and I cried and he asked if I would marry him and I said yes. And it seemed ok. I was happy. I was wanted.
I showed people my ring and my friends seemed happier about it than I was. "I know he really loves you" or when I let on I was freaked out I was reassured with "if he's your best friend, if you can't imagine your life without him...."
So much doubt
I thought we'd dream and scheme together but with the bustle of the holidays and me trying to get some new work projects going, we've just been ships passing in the night... or extra grumpy with each other.
I'll walk up and stand in front of him, demanding kisses or hugs...sometimes he steps backwards and my heart breaks. I cry at night sometimes, or in the bathroom. That shouldn't be happening to a bride to be.
I am reading about Asperger's again this morning and it explains so much. Yup, yup, yup, everything on the list is typical Nerdboy. Doesn't show affection easily, doesn't respond when I'm upset, doesn't know what topics interest me in small talk, likes his own company, is brutally brutally honest, doesn't have friends....
can i do a lifetime of this? I've been asking for these things from him for two years...
In his defense, he has 'got my back' as Friend in the North says. He helps me out with all my crazy projects, he has been my support through learning to have sex, through lost jobs and family drama... I feel like I don't have much to offer him, in a practical sense- I'm not bringing in income or doing much domestic chores...I feel like I offer him some companionship and emotional stuff, a way to interact with the world, but I can't quite name it.
Reminding myself that his brain works differently helps but oh the effort it is going to take to make this work.
Dec 16th. I went to a meeting and Nerdboy surprised me by picking me up. We played a board game when we got home. While we were playing, he looked at me and said, "Is this really what you want?" "What?" He gestured around the room. "This." I said, Yes. And I meant it. I was happy playing board games, happy with our little life.
He went over to his dresser and pulled out the ring box (the ring he's been hiding since August)
and I cried and he asked if I would marry him and I said yes. And it seemed ok. I was happy. I was wanted.
I showed people my ring and my friends seemed happier about it than I was. "I know he really loves you" or when I let on I was freaked out I was reassured with "if he's your best friend, if you can't imagine your life without him...."
So much doubt
I thought we'd dream and scheme together but with the bustle of the holidays and me trying to get some new work projects going, we've just been ships passing in the night... or extra grumpy with each other.
I'll walk up and stand in front of him, demanding kisses or hugs...sometimes he steps backwards and my heart breaks. I cry at night sometimes, or in the bathroom. That shouldn't be happening to a bride to be.
I am reading about Asperger's again this morning and it explains so much. Yup, yup, yup, everything on the list is typical Nerdboy. Doesn't show affection easily, doesn't respond when I'm upset, doesn't know what topics interest me in small talk, likes his own company, is brutally brutally honest, doesn't have friends....
can i do a lifetime of this? I've been asking for these things from him for two years...
In his defense, he has 'got my back' as Friend in the North says. He helps me out with all my crazy projects, he has been my support through learning to have sex, through lost jobs and family drama... I feel like I don't have much to offer him, in a practical sense- I'm not bringing in income or doing much domestic chores...I feel like I offer him some companionship and emotional stuff, a way to interact with the world, but I can't quite name it.
Reminding myself that his brain works differently helps but oh the effort it is going to take to make this work.
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